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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi All. I am a new member (newlywed… been married before though) who is having some marital difficulties.

I hope you like novels because there is some important back story that helps to understand my situation. A little over two years ago I met a girl through online dating. She is younger than I am and she is very beautiful. Like she is drop dead model beautiful and gets uncomfortable stares everywhere we go beautiful. She’s from a poor country and was actually deported after being in the U.S. a while. That posed some difficulties but we made it through that. She came to the U.S. on a Visa and we got married last year.

After falling madly in love with this girl, I found out she had a pretty sorted past. She was very promiscuous when she was younger. There were a lot of random hook ups with men. She didn’t see anything wrong with it and when I asked why so many partners she replied, “well how do you know if you’ll have chemistry with a person if you don’t sleep with them?” She has some social issues being an introvert and she never once had an actual monogamous boyfriend until she met me. She had one guy she saw off and on for years but she was always with other men too. She wasn’t faithful to him but say she didn’t love him so it’s not the same.

She got started as an escort when she met an older man that had money through a friend (who was getting a commission for setting them up…. A pimp basically). It wasn’t prearranged but he gave her money after their hook up that night. She learned it was easy to get money from men in this way.

So when she was younger she became a travel escort and used Instagram and Facebook, and dating sites to attract men. She was poor and bored and she wanted to travel the world and she used her body to do it. She sought them out, qualified them, and then picked who to go with and where. She justified it to herself saying many pretty women in her country do it and she felt as if it was the same as dating. She always slept with these men (who were usually 30-45 years older than her) on the first night. She was very naïve and thinks they all wanted something serious with her yet they all disappeared after they were done with her and didn’t keep trying to talk to her. They were mostly using her and many other naïve girls for sex. They wanted a ***** for their vacation and then they were gone.

She had never usually met them first and dated like normal. They talked online and they flew her to wherever they were going to vacation. The old man (probably married and lying) got a pretty young girl and she got to travel. I found this stuff out fairly early on and tried to also justify it to myself that she was basically doing the same thing as dating (obviously it’s not though… it was an exchange of service for travel and gifts). I’ve always struggled with the morality of those choices she made. Still, I loved her and felt that was her past and that I could handle it if she really left that past in the past.

After getting engaged, I learned by pushing her on the subject that she also worked as an actual escort for 5 nights (so she tells me, the story has changed from 4-5 at different times). $400 on the dresser and any man could sleep with her. I also found many emails and messages about people who heard she was running an escort service herself, and she had a profile on Backpage and she asked them to delete it after Backpage got busted. She claims she doesn’t remember the name of the escort agency she did this for just 4-5 times. She remembers everything. So I’ve always felt she was lying about how long that actually went on. She was in the US for like 4-5 months then. Whatever, I tried to let that go. But it about destroyed me. I tried to end it but I was unable to stay away from her. I kept fighting and going back because I do truly love her. I looked into her past though and read through many conversations (and she knew and gave me access to it). I learned that she had been doing this a while and that she was hunting for a man with money to be his trophy wife. She only dated older men because the young ones didn’t have money. She wanted a luxury lifestyle. She wanted to live in the U.S. and get out of her poor country. It was difficult to learn. But I stayed.

There were a lot of little things that were always off like she didn’t buy gifts or even a card on my birthday, or never complimented me, she was just very self-centered at first. She is a narcissistic person as well. She will tell me how beautiful she is, gorgeous even, and that many men want her.

While she was stuck out of the country, I caught her in many lies. She is one of those girls who is a selfie queen and needs the constant attention of others. She’ll take 200 selfies and use Facetune just to get likes.

I had an issue with trusting her because of her past. And I knew what she used her social media accounts for and the men were still on it following her. So I asked her for a compromise to remove any men she had a past with. She lied and said she did but I kept uncovering more and more of them. This went on for over a year. She didn’t want to lose any likes I guess. But my issue was the constant lies she told me. I think she had gotten in the habit of lying to protect her past profession and reputation. Most people in her country know though because she was always jet setting all over but her family was dirt poor. She didn’t have a man so… yeah they all knew. I first found out because a girl came up to me in a bar while visiting her country and told me she was a known escort. She lied about little things like, a man who dated her best friend for 2 years asked her out when they broke up and she would delete the messages but I had already seen it. She didn’t agree to go but she still lied to me about it.

I’ll admit I’ve gotten a bit controlling with looking into her phone. How do you rebuild trust after being lied to 20+ times though? How do you feel secure in a relationship with someone who breaks up with you every time they get upset or don’t like what you have to say? How do you stay married to someone that you can’t have an opinion on things?

Anyhow, we fought over it a lot and I finally got through to her. She deleted the men from her past and stopped lying to me as much. We got married and she came back to the US and started to work on her green card. We continued to have some trust issues but I’ve never caught her actually cheating on me, or talking to any other men. I honestly don’t know if she has or hasn’t but I don’t think she has. She did give me access to her accounts for a while but technology is too easy to use today so if she was that type she could be doing it on Snapchat and hiding it. There’s no way to know for sure but I don’t believe she has. At least I don’t want to believe that.

One of the main issues we have is every time we go out and she drinks we get in an argument because she’s a bit of a brat and if she doesn’t like something I say then she gets defensive, turns it around back on me, and then attacks me to change the focus away from her. She also has a horrible temper and she breaks up with me 90% of the time when we have an argument. She does it to hurt me and she’s stubborn so she would never come back to me. I always end up patching things up between us.

After one fight I actually had the guts to walk away because she had hit me in the face while drunk. I literally left. I found out later that she went to meet another man within a couple hours of me leaving. A man she had been with just a week before me and one who had given her money several times I more recently found out. She tried to lie about it to me but I got it out of her that she stayed at his house for two nights. She swears nothing happened and they just talked. Would you believe her? Her own parents didn’t believe it either…. Said, “I don’t believe in fairy tales”.

It’s also important to note that she follows a lot of other Instagram escorts and she is jealous of their lifestyle. She has told me if we break up she will go right back to being an escort because she likes to travel (but she doesn’t want to work at an actual job for it). She has shown me posts of escorts and sugar babies and makes comments like, “good for her, taking care of her family”. She idolizes other *****s which makes it hard because her behavior changed and she isn’t doing it anymore but her mentality hasn’t changed. She just wasn’t raised with proper morals and values obviously. I have always felt bad for her in that way because it’s not her fault she wasn’t raised properly.

There is much more to the story, but that is the basic foundation. She has worked on a lot of the things above and she has changed some of it. When she was stuck out of country she didn’t go out very often (except when we fought then it was a late nighter and she tells me nothing happened of course.

Fast forward….
So she had been here for a quite a few months and we had some issues and fights. And then I found her searching google for: “Why do I feel I don’t want to be married?” “Do I really want to be a housewife?” “How to become a trophy wife”. She read 5-6 different articles on how to find a rich man. She was married to me. Why search and read these articles unless you’re doing research to prepare yourself to leave me? I am a man with way better than average money but I’m not worth tens or hundreds of millions.

So two months ago we are having a usual fight after a night out. “She tells me it’s over and it has been for two months. I’ve wanted to end this but you won’t let me.” She punches me in the face (second time she’s done that while I was driving). She told me she hates me and F you, etc.

I also found a picture of her in a hidden folder that was taken just a day or two after this fight. She’s wearing a very ****ty lace low cut we used a year ago. So right after searching how to find a rich man she then takes a ****ty picture of herself and puts it into a hidden folder. She had also edited and filtered the picture to make it perfect like the ones she uploads to social media or sends to someone.

It’s been 2 months and I finally just brought up the picture. I knew it wouldn’t go well so I left that part out when we fought before about researching trophy wives and how to find a rich man. She swears she has been loyal and she didn’t send that picture to any other man. Do women take pictures of themselves in ****ty outfits and not send it to their man? She used to send men naked picks. One even went on a public Facebook site that thousands saw. If you weren’t doing anything wrong and you took it for yourself… Why hide it in a hidden folder then? When I approached her about it she attacked me for looking at her phone (we have long had an open two way policy with our phones because of the past lies and trust that was betrayed). She tells me I will never get over her having been a prostitute and she can’t take it anymore. She swears she has been loyal and I want to believe her but how many red flags do I need to see before I open my eyes? Is love really that blind or am I overreacting and being to jealous when she’s not cheating on me?

I’m sure she is upset if she has been faithful and not lying to me. But since the trust was broken and given the past it’s really hard to believe it always. Some of the behavior is just hard to understand.

Would you believe her given what you know above? What would you do if you saw your wife looking up those things? What if you found that ****ty edited picture and she never sent it to you?

I don’t know what to believe or do anymore.
 

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You don't have any boundaries really, do you?

A relationship should not be this hard. You dont' trust her and probably never will. So why are you trying to hold on to this relationship so hard?
 

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Your story reads like you married an escort. What I mean by that is the person who is willing to get payed for sex is probably not going to make the best spouse. Not PC to say in today's world but frankly it's the truth and unfortunately you are finding that out. I get that she is model pretty but that is not a good reason to marry or stay married to someone, it's really only a reason why you might be attracted to them. Looks fade anyway. Her thinking and priorities are certainly not beautiful that is for sure.

Ex-cons, sex addicts, drug addicts, sex workers, people with those kinds of histories make hard people to be married to. It shows a history of poor judgment and character at least in my mind. It's your choice but it's hard to complain when this is who the person is. It's like, why would you expect different? It's going to probably be incredibly hard. In the sex worker case you have to be the kind of person who really doesn't see any kind of moral or even emotional significance to sex at all. You have to really see it as just like having coffee with someone for you to be OK with a history like that. You don't seem to be that guy.

Sorry dude you married an escort, she probably won't make a great wife. I mean honestly are you so down on yourself that you really feel like you can't find a women of substance who you are attracted to and want to be with? People are able to do that all the time. Why set the bar SO LOW?
 

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Seems to me she is beautiful on the outside, but not so beautiful on the inside. Huge trust issues exist.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? STD's? Make decisions before children. Just what do you love about her that you wish to be married to her?
 

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I could easily marry a former prostitute, escort, call girl, porn star, sex slave/rape victim, promiscuous super ****, etc..
the key word being "former".

But I would never waste any time with a liar or anything less than a totally faithful and devoted woman.

Your wife's past wouldn't be an issue for me but she is currently a huge piece of **** 💩 and I am getting a picture of you that isn't that flattering.

You come off as insecure and not confident as well as having little self value or esteem.

If you were a very "alpha" male, hate the term, that could exert control and a strong hand over this crazy *****, I could advise you to stay with her but you are not that man.
 

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That posed some difficulties but we made it through that. She came to the U.S. on a marriage Visa and we got married last year.
Not a good sign. You were likely her ticket into getting into the U.S. and it seems you fell for it easily.

After falling madly in love with this girl, I found out she had a pretty sorted past. She was very promiscuous when she was younger. There were a lot of random hook ups with men. She didn’t see anything wrong with it and when I asked why so many partners she replied, “well how do you know if you’ll have chemistry with a person if you don’t sleep with them?” She has some social issues being an introvert and she never once had an actual monogamous boyfriend until she met me. She had one guy she saw off and on for years but she was always with other men too. She wasn’t faithful to him but say she didn’t love him so it’s not the same.

She got started as an escort when she met an older man that had money through a friend (who was getting a commission for setting them up…. A pimp basically). It wasn’t prearranged but he gave her money after their hook up that night. She learned it was easy to get money from men in this way.

So when she was younger she became a travel escort and used Instagram and Facebook, and dating sites to attract men. She was poor and bored and she wanted to travel the world and she used her body to do it. She sought them out, qualified them, and then picked who to go with and where. She justified it to herself saying many pretty women in her country do it and she felt as if it was the same as dating. She always slept with these men (who were usually 30-45 years older than her) on the first night. She was very naïve and thinks they all wanted something serious with her yet they all disappeared after they were done with her and didn’t keep trying to talk to her. They were mostly using her and many other naïve girls for sex. They wanted a ***** for their vacation and then they were gone.

She had never usually met them first and dated like normal. They talked online and they flew her to wherever they were going to vacation. The old man (probably married and lying) got a pretty young girl and she got to travel. I found this stuff out fairly early on and tried to also justify it to myself that she was basically doing the same thing as dating (obviously it’s not though… it was an exchange of service for travel and gifts). I’ve always struggled with the morality of those choices she made. Still, I loved her and felt that was her past and that I could handle it if she really left that past in the past.
She's been living this life for a long time and bad habits are hard to break. She's been passed around countless of times like a piece of meat. The past will always matter. It determines the future after all.

After getting engaged, I learned by pushing her on the subject that she also worked as an actual escort for 5 nights (so she tells me, the story has changed from 4-5 at different times). $400 on the dresser and any man could sleep with her. I also found many emails and messages about people who heard she was running an escort service herself, and she had a profile on Backpage and she asked them to delete it after Backpage got busted. She claims she doesn’t remember the name of the escort agency she did this for just 4-5 times. She remembers everything. So I’ve always felt she was lying about how long that actually went on. She was in the US for like 4-5 months then. Whatever, I tried to let that go. But it about destroyed me. I tried to end it but I was unable to stay away from her. I kept fighting and going back because I do truly love her. I looked into her past though and read through many conversations (and she knew and gave me access to it). I learned that she had been doing this a while and that she was hunting for a man with money to be his trophy wife. She only dated older men because the young ones didn’t have money. She wanted a luxury lifestyle. She wanted to live in the U.S. and get out of her poor country. It was difficult to learn. But I stayed.
There were a lot of little things that were always off like she didn’t buy gifts or even a card on my birthday, or never complimented me, she was just very self-centered at first. She is a narcissistic person as well. She will tell me how beautiful she is, gorgeous even, and that many men want her.
You've been given many signs that she can't be trusted. Her narcissism should've had you running to the nearest exit away from her. Have you even met her parents before?

While she was stuck out of the country, I caught her in many lies. She is one of those girls who is a selfie queen and needs the constant attention of others. She’ll take 200 selfies just to get hours with Face tune.

I had an issue with trusting her because of her past. And I knew what she used her social media accounts for and the men were still on it following her. So I asked her for a compromise to remove any men she had a past with. She lied and said she did but I kept uncovering more and more of them. This went on for over a year. She didn’t want to lose any likes I guess. But my issue was the constant lies she told me. I think she had gotten in the habit of lying to protect her past profession and reputation. Most people in her country know though because she was always jet setting all over but her family was dirt poor. She didn’t have a man so… yeah they all knew. Men would ask her out and she would delete the messages but I had already seen it. She didn’t agree to go but she still lied to me about it.
I’ll admit I’ve gotten a bit controlling with looking into her phone. How do you rebuild trust after being lied to 20+ times though? How do you feel secure in a relationship with someone who breaks up with you every time they get upset or don’t like what you have to say? How do you stay married to someone that you can’t have an opinion on things?
Anyhow, we fought over it a lot and I finally got through to her. She deleted the men from her past and stopped lying to me as much. We got married and she came back to the US and started to work on her green card. We continued to have some trust issues but I’ve never caught her actually cheating on me, or talking to any other men. I honestly don’t know if she has or hasn’t but I don’t think she has. She did give me access to her accounts for a while but technology is too easy to use today so if she was that type she could be doing it on Snapchat and hiding it. There’s no way to know for sure but I don’t believe she has. At least I don’t want to believe that.
No doubt she has cheated on you or attempted to. But it's very unlikely that a woman of her caliber hasn't successfully cheated on you yet. You need to snap out of your denial already. I reckon the only thing keeping you with this woman is her physical appearance. You said she comes from a poor country. What country exactly?

One of the main issues we have is every time we go out and she drinks we get in an argument because she’s a bit of a brat and if she doesn’t like something I say then she gets defensive, turns it around back on me, and then attacks me to change the focus away from her. She also has a horrible temper and she always breaks up with me 90% of the time when we have an argument. She does it to hurt me and she’s stubborn so she would never come back to me. I always end up patching things up between us.

After one fight I actually had the guts to walk away because she had hit me in the face while drunk. I literally left. I found out later that she went to meet another man within a couple hours of me leaving. A man she had been with just a week before me and one who had given her money several times I more recently found out. She tried to lie about it to me but I got it out of her that she stayed at his house for two nights. She swears nothing happened and they just talked. Would you believe her? Her own parents didn’t believe it either…. Said, “I don’t believe in fairy tales”.
It’s also important to note that she follows a lot of other Instagram escorts and she is jealous of their lifestyle. She has told me if we break up she will go right back to being an escort because she likes to travel (but she doesn’t want to work at an actual job for it). She has shown me posts of escorts and sugar babies and makes comments like, “good for her, taking care of her family”. She idolizes other *****s which makes it hard because her behavior changed and she isn’t doing it anymore but her mentality hasn’t changed. She just wasn’t raised with proper morals and values obviously. I have always felt bad for her in that way because it’s not her fault she wasn’t raised properly.
So now she's finally gotten to the stage of physically abusing you. She stayed at a man's house for two days to talk? Riiiiight. Love shouldn't be blind and you need to stop being a massive doormat. Considering you've stayed with her for this long despite all the drama and physical abuse I reckon you aren't going to ditch her like a bad habit. Regardless of coming here as well.
 

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Everybody I know would have expected exactly this outcome under the circumstances. Why don't/didn't you?

Just maybe she is not marriage material?

Do you have trouble meeting girls?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You don't have any boundaries really, do you?

A relationship should not be this hard. You dont' trust her and probably never will. So why are you trying to hold on to this relationship so hard?
Good point as it should not be. I am trying hard to trust her again but the constant break ups as a power trip and the lying and odd behavior at times make it tough. I'm trying to hold on because I do love her. She has changed a lot of her former ways but things like I mentioned above make it hard.
 

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You don't have any boundaries really, do you?

A relationship should not be this hard. You dont' trust her and probably never will. So why are you trying to hold on to this relationship so hard?
Ele are you serious....he is not the one with boundaries issues nor is he the one who was sold a bill of goods......given her track record all she wants is to be an American citizen and then dump his ass......SO why should he trust her there is absolutely nothing to trust.

send her packing.
 

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People who come from poor countries who have prostituted themselves are of a very different mindset than us wealthy westerners. You will really never have anything in common with this woman. She will always look at you as a cash machine. She's never going to bond with you in any meaningful way. She's actively searching for a better deal than you. The good news is that she's stupid--she makes mistakes. Most opportunists are smart enough to wait around until the green card has been finalized. You'd best get out right now.
 

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You absolutely DO need to trust her. But read very carefully what I am about to say because it's not what you think.


You absolutely need to trust that she is who and what she is and that she will always resort back to her default character.


She may be beautiful to look at and she may give great BJs, but she will always use her sexuality to get what she wants and she will resort to violence and screwing other men when you two do not agree on something.


And all couples disagree and have conflicts throughout their lives.


You need to trust that this is who she is and this is what she does.

If you are ok with that, then fine, it's your life.


But if you are expecting her to somehow transform into a genuinely nice and faithful wife who has healthy conflict resolutions skills and is respectful of monogamy and traditional marriage, you need to put down the Hopium pipe and stop smoking the Hopium.


Do trust her. Trust that this is how she is and that that this is how it is going to be.
 

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Ahh yes, young gorgeous girls...drop dead model beautiful girls, from poor countries, with a history of deportation, brought to America on a 90 day fiance visa...certainly can be high maintenance.

Here's the truth. She used you to get to America legally. Now that she's in, she wants you out.

You say you're a newlywed. She is not automatically provided citizenship by marrying you and there are conditions on her green card for the first two years. If I were you, the first thing I would do is go get some new glasses that are NOT tinted rose colored, because you are definitely love blind. Second, I would file a Marriage Fraud case against yourself with Immigration services and see what you can do about getting her to pack her bags and deported again. Seriously, it sounds like this girl has used you as a path to US citizenship and you might be able to use them to send her back where she belongs.

By the way, you are not alone in having this happen to you. MANY others have had it happen as well.
 

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She was very naïve and thinks they all wanted something serious with her yet they all disappeared after they were done with her and didn’t keep trying to talk to her. They were mostly using her and many other naïve girls for sex. They wanted a ***** for their vacation and then they were gone.
I've known a number of you "Nice Guys tm" with White Knight Syndrome over the years and this is where you have a blind side that causes all of you a life of pain and torment.


You naïve, Nice Guy tm White Knights hear these women tell their stories and you see them as innocent, naïve victims that are being used and abused by these big bad men.

But that simply is not the reality. The reality is these women are of low character and are cunning, manipulative and are fully in control of their faculties. They are intentionally and methodically using their sexualities to obtain money, goods and services from men.

The men that you speak of know what the price and the cost of the services are for each party.

But you do not.

You are the one that is actually naïve and weak and being taken for a ride here.


The Author and syndicated talk show host Dr Laura Schlesinger said it best in her book, "The 10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives," - "When men rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it at the end of the day is a distressed damsel on their hands."

You are the one that is being duped here.

This is a self esteem and confidence issue on your part. You don't think you can do any better and so you have no boundaries and no dignity and beg for whatever rotten fruit you can find laying on the ground
You are so desperate for female companionship that you are gobbling up the stuff other men scrape out of the treads of their shoes with an old butter knife.
 

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Ahh yes, young gorgeous girls...drop dead model beautiful girls, from poor countries, with a history of deportation, brought to America on a 90 day fiance visa...certainly can be high maintenance.

Here's the truth. She used you to get to America legally. Now that she's in, she wants you out.

You say you're a newlywed. She is not automatically provided citizenship by marrying you and there are conditions on her green card for the first two years. If I were you, the first thing I would do is go get some new glasses that are NOT tinted rose colored, because you are definitely love blind. Second, I would file a Marriage Fraud case against yourself with Immigration services and see what you can do about getting her to pack her bags and deported again. Seriously, it sounds like this girl has used you as a path to US citizenship and you might be able to use them to send her back where she belongs.

By the way, you are not alone in having this happen to you. MANY others have had it happen as well.
This goes deeper than some illegal using a poor sap to get in to the country.

This may be actual organized crime by foreign mafia and trafficking.

Foreign prostitutes will find a gullible, desperate mark to get into the country and put a roof over her head and then she works the massage parlors and brothels and escort services etc and sends the money back to the traffickers.

James definitely needs to go to ICE and report this.
 

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Ele are you serious....he is not the one with boundaries issues nor is he the one who was sold a bill of goods......given her track record all she wants is to be an American citizen and then dump his ass......SO why should he trust her there is absolutely nothing to trust.

send her packing.
Yes I'm serious. He needs boundaries. If he had them, he would not have married her.
The idea of strong boundaries is that the first time someone you are dating breaks one of your boundaries, you dump them. Boundaries are about protecting himself. He cannot control her. He can only control himself.

Some good ones for him would be:

I will not continue in any relationship where either they or I don’t treat me with love, care, trust, and respect.

I will not date someone who controls the relationship on their terms – I must be in mutually fulfilling, balanced, healthy relationships.

I will not continue in any relationship with someone who lies.

I will not continue in any relationship with someone engages in sexting, sending out sexy pictures, etc. with anyone but me.

I will not continue in any relationship with someone constantly threatens to end the relationship.

I will not continue in any relationship with someone who is abusive of me or anyone else.
 

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What sticks out the most for me is OP thinks his old lady is naïve …..she has proven that there is someone out there that wants more from her then just sex.
After all she found OP.

Lets face it james you are the mark and she hooked you.
I hope you soon see that the love you have is an illusion of what you think you can make out of this marriage.

The fact is you are trying to control something you have no control over IMHO.

One more thing...when ever you have to say to your self "I'm I in denial" you usually are.
 
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