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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi im looking for some advice.

I have been with my wife 17 years married for 12, we have 3 great kids 12 year old girl and twin boys that are 9.

My wife had been feeling for a few year that she loves me but isnt in love with me. We get along really well as she would agree. This came up last year the words I love you but im not in love with you, and it devistated me. We unfortunatly at that time didnt really do anything about it. Other than the sex not being very intimate we get a long so good that is why it is so hard to understand. My wife thought it would be a good idea to take the kids on a trip to Mexico a month after she said these words. We went on the trip and my wife thought it would be a good idea for me to get a wedding ring. These words just came up again acouple weeks ago along with,
-it feels like we are just best friends
-it feels like we are just roommates
-i feel empty inside
-i dont feel a connection
-i need some space

She is always saying to this day im a "great husband and a great father and her best friend".. i feel lost she spent 1 week at her sisters, im at my sisters now to give her a bit of space. when i go home we will be staying in seperate beds. I feel she has given up and hasnt put 100% effort to this point to save this marriage and our family. She doesnt believe that you can get that connection/ in love feeling back.

any thoughts?
 

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Lots of possibilities

Many will warn you that she may have met someone else or is thinking about someone else.

Has she changed behaviors or appearances since this started? Is her cell phone pass word protected? Does she send/receive a lot of texts?

She may also smply have fallen out of love. Do you have an issue snooping to find out what may really be going on?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I dont believe there is somebody else but im not naive to think it would never happen to me. My best friend is her best friends husband. There are no signs of late nights or odd behavior. She has recently lost some weight. As for looking into the cell phone and that if she were to find out the trust would never be there again. we have agreed to talk after xmas for the kids sake.
 

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Trust? Not sure if that plays intop here.

Do a little reading in the infidelity section and you'll see she is exhibiting a couple of red flags here. They are:

-The I Love You But Not In Love With You (ILYBNILWY) speech
-decrease in sex
-Needs Space

Again, she may justy be dne for whatever reason but you should probably know what your dealing with

Do this quietly. Don't ask her if there's someone else. If there is, she'll deny anyway.
 

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Your wife hasn't mentioned divorce so maybe you guys can get some help froma counselor?

As long as there are no cheating red flags it will help, but if someone is influencing the dynamics of the marriage all the counseling in the world won't help until that influence is no longer infecting the marriage.

Thas why its kind of important you investigate the possiblity of this out side influence, cuz the help/tactic you take will depend on it.

You can't compete with new romance, so even if you are the best husband in the world you can't compete with a new guy in your chicks life.

But if there is no other guy or even a toxic friend that is not a friend of the marriage then you can take the effective approach in repairing this.

Either way its time to step up your attraction level, chicks dig confident men so never beg or cry for your marriage.
 

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-it feels like we are just best friends
-it feels like we are just roommates
-i feel empty inside
-i dont feel a connection
-i need some space
These are all red flags as Toffer has indicated and there may be a 3rd party involved. Physically or emotionally and either can be devastating to a marriage. If you have not had the conversation with her if there is someone else in her head you should. You won't likely get a full or honest answer but the questions need to be asked. I understand your concern about trust and snooping is something that can have serious consequences if you are wrong but you need to think about it.

The signs are certainly there that there could be somebody else or that she has simply disconnected from you. Her statement that you can't fall back in love is false from the journey both my wife and I took some years ago. I heard the same statements verbatim and we are now in a very good marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the advice as for checking into her, we have a lot of the same close friends so if that is the case i will find out anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
We went to 2 counceling session, They didnt help alot because they were provide through our work. im looking in into a couples type retreat no sure if she will go for it. I asked her if she wanted to go to our next appt and she said she would go for me based on i dont think she has tried everything, so i just said you cant go foe me it has to be for both of us
 

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Thanks for the advice as for checking into her, we have a lot of the same close friends so if that is the case i will find out anyway.
No! No! No!

Check into this quietly on your own! For the sake of your marriage, do this! Do this now and DO NOT ask her if there's someone else. You'd be tipping your hand way too early!

IF she's cheating and you wait too long to investigate, what may only be an EA now can become physical

Confronting too early will most likely drive it further underground
 

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No! No! No!

Check into this quietly on your own! For the sake of your marriage, do this! Do this now and DO NOT ask her if there's someone else. You'd be tipping your hand way too early!
While I will agree that involving friends is not the correct avenue at this point an honest discussion with your spouse about the possibilities is generally a good idea, no matter what those may be. Whether it be an AP, addictions or what ever. This should not be an interrogation but an honest and frank discussion. I had this with my wife, she denied there was anyone else as she was in denial of what the relationship really was. But during the conversation the hairs on my neck stood up from her responses. I found the evidence a few weeks later and we went from there.

While we old salts here have seen this scenario play out many times on TAM and 9 out of 10 times there is some kind of affair there is still a chance she has simply disconnected from her husband and marriage. And if she is not in an affair, she will likely be on one in the future if they don't address the issues.
 

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IMO:

If she has a problem with you looking at her phone, big issue for me there. People don't hide anything if there's nothing to hide.

EVERYTHING you do should be on your own! If a friend of yours is a friend of hers, NO TALKY!

Red flags are way up. Prepare for the worst.

If you guys talk, about ANYTHING and it gets heated, BACK AWAY! Do not get sucked into an escalated argument.

Like they said, go to the coping with infidelity forum and READ READ READ.

There will be a lot of Counter Intuitive advice here... do not be scared. Listen and listen well. Everyone's situation and details can and probably will be different, however, there are scripts for everything out there. Sometimes it doesn't always go the way the script, but most of the time, it follows right along with them.

I'm sorry you're here, you're in for a heck of a ride. We can promise you that.

Good luck.
 

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While it is easy to assume that when one reports "not feeling in love" there may be another person involved, that is not always the case.
It may be that issues have been pushed underground, and certain conflicts have not been resolved. Too often couples trade safety for intimacy. That is they keep things polite, do not face conflict, or may not be confident enough to be fully themselves with their partner. To many people make conflicts that they can only be fully themselves with their friends but not their partner. These issues erode intimacy and can lead to "not feeling in love". A good marital therapist can be very helpful in sorting out these issues.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT, author, The Couple's Survival Workbook
 

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Woman's POV here:

You need to require that AS A COUPLE you attend at least a half-dozen couples' therapy/counseling sessions. You are PARENTS and your children deserve you BOTH giving it your best shot. Present it this way to your wife - it is a duty that you BOTH OWE to the family.

ILYBINILWY does not necessarily mean she's in an affair. She may be bored with your relationship, feel it's unfulfilling. Maybe she's in the 'is THIS all there is?' mode of thinking (this CAN be successfully overcome if BOTH parties are willing to work at improving/reinventing the relationship).

Losing weight may mean she is CONSIDERING leaving, moving on. She may be preparing for a new single life and needs to look better for the dating scene. Doesn't mean there is ALREADY someone IN her life, may just be her initial step in preparing to drastically change her life.
 

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So, she says she loves you, you're her best friend, and you're a wonderful husband and father, but she doesn't feel a spark right now (or a connection? How do you simultaneously say someone is your best friend but you don't feel a connection to them?) so she thinks you guys are just done forever?

This is totally irrational. There has to be more she's not telling you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, you must feel so confused and sad. :(

Good luck.
 

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Couple in marriage sometimes experience not feeling "in love" during difficult times. I'm assuming here that you are not abusive or controlling. Many will keep this feelings to themselves & keep working on the marriage.

What concerns me here, is that she felt the need to "announce" ILYBINILWY. She is getting you prepared for her possible departure as either a walk-away-wife or to leave to be with her AP.
 

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Woman's POV here:

ILYBINILWY does not necessarily mean she's in an affair. She may be bored with your relationship, feel it's unfulfilling. Maybe she's in the 'is THIS all there is?' mode of thinking (this CAN be successfully overcome if BOTH parties are willing to work at improving/reinventing the relationship).

Losing weight may mean she is CONSIDERING leaving, moving on. She may be preparing for a new single life and needs to look better for the dating scene. Doesn't mean there is ALREADY someone IN her life, may just be her initial step in preparing to drastically change her life.
Another woman's POV...I feel like I could be in exactly the same position your wife is in. I feel like saying ALL of the same things to my husband. I'm in no other relationships, I have no "bad news" friends, heck, I *hardly* have a social life. I feel just like the quote above...is this all there is??? I have no other good advice, I guess. I just also wanted to chime in that just because some "red flags" are there, maybe they aren't cheating flags; maybe they are just flags that your marriage needs a lot of work. I only say this because I'm speaking from the perspective she may very well have. :(
 

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As for your wife being involved in an affair, trust your gut. Especially if you two are close, and you're paying attention, you will know.

My wife raised many of the "red flags" back in March, so of course 9 out of 10 TAMsters claimed she was in an affair when I posted here in May. Somehow, they could tell from their keyboards better than I could in my daily interactions with my partner of over 30 years. :rolleyes:

We're still together today, no separation or D proceedings and there's still no affair.

My wife and yours are vulnerable though. Forcing them to recommit or go to MC won't work, (by the way, traditional MC has a dismal success rate) and at least in our case an ultimatum won't work either. They have to desire to recommit on their own... not stay because we cornered them and left 'em no other option. How long do you suppose that tactic would work?

You can guide her to true recommitment by how you act. Be the man she wants and lead the way.

She sounds board. Make an exciting life for yourself and see if she wants to join in. Unless you really were/are a dolt of a H, eventually she will.

PS: No matter the issue here, if you want to save this you're in for a marathon, not a sprint. Put away the stop watch and get a calendar.
 

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1234, Just saw this thread today - looks like you haven't been back - I hope things are getting resolved in this matter... if not, I'd suggest that you seriously investigate these red flags, once you add them all up, for most of us our gut insticts told us what was going on.

I suspect a year ago, when she actually uttered the words "ILYBINILWY" is when she made a conscious choice to run with another guy. (by run I mean open her legs to).

Around that time she was probably also going through a lot of other changes - new clothes (and underwear), new password on her email account, guarding her cell phone close, probably a lot of anxiety and stress, maybe making new friends that you did not know very well, new diet, and basically a noticeable drive to improve herself.

If so, then time for the voice activated recorder (VAR) hidden in her car, look at her cell and internet history, find out the content of her text messages if possible - if it's infidelity it will be a severe shock to your system, come back to TAM, and do whatever you need to get some sense of direction. Good luck, I hope it's something else, and repairable, that forced her to utter the ILYBINILWY.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I thank everyone for there advice.. After i spent a weeks at my sisters to give her some "space". I just felt that it was over, we had agreed to talk after xmas for the kids. But i just felt like i needed to know what is happening and sadly she wants to separate. I am devistated with so much anger we have been at home staying in separate beds. My boys have asked if we are breaking up, and my daughter 12 was crying at school to her friend that her mom and dad are getting a divorce. The part that really makes me angry is she did this 4weeks before xmas. There is never a "good" time. I just wish she thougth about how it would affect the kids, my daughter says it just doesnt feel like xmas. "In The Woods" any help to understand from a womens side might help..
 
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