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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

I'm hoping someone here can help me out with some real stressful problems ive been having the last 2 months. I realize a lot of people here have much more serious issues than I do but I've never been this conflicted before. Any advice or comments no matter how small are greatly appreciated.

A little about me I married a wonderful woman and have been married for 4.5 years. We've had our rough patches nothing serious. I've never thought of cheating before and I've always remained 100% faithful to her. My wife is very attractive in a Grace Kelly old fashioned starlet way. Shes very sweet and kind and this is why I've been under so much stress. For those of you that want a numerical classification say an "8"

I recently started a new job two months ago and I've met what seems like the most beautiful girl. I've worked at other jobs with some very attractive women but in all those situations it was oh well dont care on with life. I certainly never fantasized about them in the last 4 years ive been married. I'm not the kind of guy to talk about coworkers or women with guy friends or even contemplate cheating. Thats why i've been so conflicted.

This coworker of mine is downright sexy - think Angelina Jolie esque. Physicall shes a "10". Shes really friendly which only complicates things further. I'm kind of high up in the company shes a secretary - not that this matters just fyi in case any advice is given. It would probably be easy for me to not be attracted to her if she wasnt so well liked by everyone and kind but she goes out of her way to be exceptionally helpful to me. Of course shes doing her job and being hugely professional. Shes not being flirty at all, i've had other coworkers flirty with me and was never interested.

Now im fantasizing about her everyday. At first I wished this was a little crush that would wean off but its not happening. Now im scared im going to do something stupid thats gonna make me hate myself. I've already taken to stupid habits like coordinating the time I leave work to coincide with when she leaves so we can ride the train together "by coincidence" and talking all journey.

I have to see her everday and im always finding reasons to talk to her - I just know im going to complicate things further and do something like ask her for lunch and only hurt myself more. I know shes married and she knows I'm married. I'm actually really glad shes married or I might have done something incredibly regrettable by now.

I know I havent "cheated" yet but i feel sick with myself. My wife is such a great spouse and I only want feelings for her. This coworker I am first and foremost attracted to her cause I've never seen a woman so attractive. Her and I also have a lot of the same similarities. But I would also say my wife shares the exact same ones.

I sometimes wish i never took this job in the first place sometimes. Its planted these seeds of doubt where I'd never look at another woman twice in the last 4 years to fantasizing about a coworker non stop.

This job pays me a ton of money and its a career i love or else i may have considered leaving. I cant leave this job for the amount im getting paid. Dont know what to do.

Please help with any advice on what i should do.

Should I avoid her?
How do i get over her?
Is what im feeling wrong?
How do i get rid of it and go back to only having my wife in my heart and mind?
What do i do now knowing even if i get over this girl I can hugely be attracted to another similar person say 5 years down the road?

Any advice is most appreciated.
 

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Should I avoid her?
Of course you should, you all ready know that.
How do i get over her?
Stop thinking about her, turn your thoughts over to your wife. Avoid her, stop having any on work related chats.
Learn self control, and don't fantasize about other women this way.
Is what im feeling wrong?
yes because you are obsessed and clearly if she made a move you would not resist.
How do i get rid of it and go back to only having my wife in my heart and mind?
Look for another job. Even one that's not paying quite as well, because your marriage should be worth it.
What do i do now knowing even if i get over this girl I can hugely be attracted to another similar person say 5 years down the road?
You need to let your wife know what happened. Get some strategies in place for what happens if you meet another attractive woman, for instance-
No fantasizing.
No time spent together out of work.
No time alone
No making excuses to see them
and so on.

You say your wife is an 8. Soemone else probably thinks she's a 10.

In my mind when you really love someone, and have stayed true to them, you think they are a 10 despite their flaws.

Think of how crushed your wife would feel if she read this post. How her trust would be gone. How unattractive she would feel, even though she's probably beautiful.

Imagine if your wife wrote this post about you, almost word for word except it was about another man?

What would you think she should do?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Little,

I appreciate your comments. First of all I do feel awful with myself. As I said I never felt this way ever before. As I said my wife is beautiful and I love her and I don't know why this has happened. I feel like im being tested by God.

Quitting is out of the question. I cant get another job this same level so easily. I just don't want to think about this girl in my office - i really want it to go away but I have to see her everyday.

Instead of just berating me cant you see i feel awful with myself. I cant help the way my mind is feeling. I've come here cause its an private board and I'm looking for advice. I dont wanna hurt my wife I wanna go back to the way things were 3 months ago where she was the only woman I fantasized about.

If it helps any bit I cannot reiterate enough I feel awful about myself.
 

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Yep got it, most cheaters feel awful.

I'm not berating you, I'm giving you advice on how not to do it.

You think your jobs worth more then your marriage, well that's fine.

If you don't prioritize, and learn how to put your marriage first, you will end up cheating, maybe not with this woman, but with someone else for sure.
 

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Go ahead and act on it. Then you will lose your great paying job and your loving wife at the same time. I have seen it happen several times when I was working. :mad:

Cheating is never the right answer, ever. You better think twice before you act on this.

Shame on you!:rolleyes:
 

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RedGrant,

You do not say (In the post or on your profile) how old you are or if your marriage is your first serious relationship. A clue as to your level of maturity might help with any advice given.

From what you write it is obvious that you know you have a problem. It is not your wife problem, it is not your co-worker problem, it belongs to you.
You are the one who is fantasizing about a co-worker, you are the one going out of your way to spend more time with that co-worker.

You need to "back off" from this women "NOW".
Do Not,
Meet outside of work,
Travel together,
Spend lunch together,

Do,
Be polite to her in work situations (she has done nothing wrong),
Find a way to divert your mind when you fantasize (rotate your wedding ring to remind yourself of your wonderful wife).
Give yourself a small pat on the back for realizing there was a problem before you tried to start a physical affiar.

IF you can draw back from this unhealthy fasination for this co-worker then it could have been just the wake up call you needed. If not you will need to find another job.

Some people in relationships can have close friendships with single people of the oppersite sex without it adversly effecting anyone but at this time you are not displaying the level of maturity that is required for that.
 

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Why don't you check out the Coping With Infidelity section? It might give you some insight into what you are setting yourself (and your wife) up for.

Btw - what Little Deer said about telling your wife - do this. It sounds crazy and as though you are setting yourself up for a fight (and you would be!) but you need her help in fighting this. If you are completely honest with her, she may be mad, furious even, but if you aren't honest you just may give in. Have faith in her that after the shock, she may appreciate that you were honest with her and she may help you get to the bottom of why you are willing to risk it all for this women.

Btw - you may try to fool yourself into thinking that you could get away with it but why? Why do that to yourself and the one that you know that you love? Also spouses are more intuitive than you may think. Her sixth sense would go off like an alarm bell.
 

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What you do is to avoid this woman as much as you can. Never, ever be alone with her. Do not ask her out to lunch or on a break. If she does things professionally for you try to find another person who can do these tasks.

If you make any move towards her you could end up sued for sexual harassment. She is not there to fill your fantasies. If she is not interested in you she would most likely be mortified to know you are having this thoughts and fantasies about her. You need to realize that your thoughts are not only inappropriate for your marriage but they could harm this woman as she could also lose her job.

Start looking for another job. Hopefully these thought will pass. But open up options for yourself just in case the feelings do not stop and you continue to be so tortured.

What you are going through is a huge warning sign about your marriage. There is something seriously wrong in your marriage. If you do not want to lose your wife down the road you need to tend to this and forget Ms Ten. It’s Mrs. Eight who loves you and who you dedicated your life to.

Get some photos of your wife and of the two of you together on your desk, as your computer screen saver, in your brief case, in your wallet. Phone her and text her during the day to tell her that you love her, etc.

Get the looks “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” (see links below). Start with “HN, HNs”. This book will explain why you are having these types of feelings. There is a crack in the love you feel for your wife and it can be fixed.
 

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Sexual Harassment Lawsuit. You're pretty high up the ladder and she's a secretary. Aside from ruining your marriage, you also ruin your career, lose most or all of your mutual friends, probably lose the respect of a number of your friends, and you get to screw up your kids (if you have them).

Did you ever stop to think that all you see is only the positive persona of this secretary? Surely you realize that this woman is not 100% all positive, and that if you would ever be with her that you would sooner or later start to see the real her. It's tough to compare you wife - who you know completely - to the fantasy you have constructed in your mind about this other woman.
 

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Kudos to you for seeking out help before anything... unfortunate.. happened. I can see your motives are good.

You can't pretend it didn't happen. I would tell your wife - getting her "up an arms" about it might help you keep your focus. If you know she is going to ask you every day about the girl, you might be more likely to avoid her.

Take a picture of your wife with you in your wallet. When you're feeling conflicted.. take it out and remind yourself of what your priorities are.

Ask for either the girl or yourself to be moved to a different department or area if that is possible.

Can you shift your hours by 30 minutes to make sure you CANNOT "Accidentally" meet on the train? Or, setup a "phone date" with your wife for right after work to delay yourself.

Start looking for flaws in the girl. Everyone has flaws. Every time you think of her, try to pull those flaws foremost in your thoughts.

Will this happen again in 5 years? Maybe. But if you learn how to control and manage your thoughts now, it might not be such a battle. Remember, you cannot undo negative actions, you can only change future actions to be positive. Don't ruin your career and your marriage for what would probably not work out anyway.
 

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RedGrant:

Maybe spending 20 minutes with paper and pen DWELLING on the after-math of an affair would be enough to shake you out of the fantasy.

Write it down....alll of it.....what would happen to:
you
wife
kids
marriage
career
family
friends
co-workers
social acquaintences
secretary
her husband
their kids
their marriage
their families
their friends
their social acquaintences

Did you include breaking up two households? Financial devastation? One or both of you getting fired? Unemployment? Explaining your last firing?

Hopefully, *this* will KNOCK the WOO-HOO out of the dream!

BTW: Do NOT start texting/calling your wife throughout the day UNLESS you have decided to come clean with this temptation. Suddenly starting to check-in on her will make her wonder what the heck you've been up to!
 

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Lots of good advise here. I also applaud you for looking for help in finding yourself before real damage is done. There is a certain maturity that is required in being (and staying) married. You have committed to one person and yet there are thousands of other people that you will meet after you've taken your vows. There will always been interesting and attractive people crossing your path. Appreciate them but know that you have chosen your partner and are already building a life together. We all know the butterflies of infatuation but you need to have the character to take that energy and direct it back into your marriage. Go home and romance your wife.
 

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I'll just add that I am pointedly not suggesting you go tell your wife about your temptation provided that you deal with it on your own. Just curious, do you wear a wedding ring? If you have one and its in the a drawer maybe you should put it on. Understand that the choices you make right here will define you for the rest of your life. Do you want to be another cheater or do you want to be a person with character who doesn't need to make excuses for the rest of your life?
 

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You have received very good advise already, I just want to add a couple of things.

Marriages need to be nurtured. How much time do you and your wife spend together? Focused time - not watching TV, or being in the same room while one of you is on the computer. Couples should spend 15 to 20 hours a week to keep the relationship strong. What activities did you do together when you dated? Revisit those.

You are on a slippery slope, you haven't physically cheated but you have certainly emotionally cheated. You have made time to be with the OW, gone out of your way to be with her, spending focused time building a relationship with her and fantasizes about her.

Please follow the advise others have given you, if you love your wife and your life. Work on making your marriage affair proof, this is addressed in "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley Jr.
 

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You have to turn into your marriage.

You have to focus on spending time with your wife, speaking to her, having recreationa fun, sex...

You stay in love with your spouse when you make the conscous effort to spend quality time together, just as you are doing with another individual.
 

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Just think to yourself how you would feel if your wife had the same thoughts, would it devistate you? Now evertime you focus on her think of your wife doing the same thing and think if she ever found out how you would make her feel. Simple as that.
 

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Or how about inject a iittle reality into the fantasy? What makes you think she is even remotely interested in servicing your fantasy life? Is it at all possible that when she sees you on the train, she's actually thinking "oh, crap, there he is again. Now i have to sit here and make pleasant chit-chat when I'd much rather just zone out or read my spy thriller"? Or that she is being nice just because she happens to be a nice person, or that she wants to keep her job, maybe even advance to a higher position? That she loves her husband and her life?


It annoys me endlessly that so many men seem to think women were put on earth to cater to their sexual whims -- regardless of whether they themselves are 10s, 8s, or -2s on the so-called sexual ranks. That the default setting seems to be, "yeah, she wants it", when in actual fact, she just finds him creepy and seedy. Ever think of that mid-fantasy?
 
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