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I am worn out and heartbroken. My handsome husband of ten years, who I love so much, has never had a huge sex drive, but it's reached an all-time low. I am devastated and desperate- and he thinks everything is fine! Plus - oh, I feel so awful saying this- he is bad in bed. :( Please help, or share your experience so I know I'm not alone- of course I think it's mostly men who have this issue. What do I even do with that

I'm considered really attractive, men stare at me wherever I go, and I've kept myself in good shape. I don't harp on him, I don't diminish him as a man verbally, I build him up constantly to let him know I think he's an amazing person- I've tried to analyze anything I might be doing that pushes him away from me as a person, trying to understand why he isn't excited to have sex with me.

I should mention, we've also had separate bedrooms for 6 years due to his insomnia. He says he likes having his own space- again, he's fine with how things are- but I feel like I'm dying inside from everything this represents about our lack of intimacy. And the literal lack.

He is very shy and conservative, sexually. Believe it or not, unheard of in this day and age, we waited until our wedding night to sleep together. I know, I know, I can feel the comments coming already... but it's what we felt was right at the time. We weren't virgins, we just wanted to do it differently with each other, based on our religious beliefs and feeling in good faith we were doing the right thing and making up for past mistakes. Well the wedding night was a major disappointment- but I figured it would improve as we got to know each other sexually. It didn't. :(

Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn’t even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.

I have a really healthy sex drive. It isn't obsessive or anything but I really enjoy sex (at least I used to, in other relationships) and I don't feel apologetic about it. He rarely initiates anything with me- we have sex maybe every 4-6-8 weeks, which to me is horrible for two young, attractive, childless people. And the worst part is, that when it finally does happen, although I've been waiting and wishing for so long leading up to it, once it's happening I end up thinking to myself, Why did i miss this again...?! It's really bad for me. This is rough, but... my husband has no idea how to touch a woman's body. NO CLUE. There are men who take pleasure in your pleasure- most men, dammit!- but my husband is not one of them. He pulls at my body like a two year old would, fumbling, doing things I've repeatedly asked him to please not do, and he seems half-hearted about the whole experience besides. Even in my frustration, I try to gently and sexily encourage him, telling and showing what I like- I know making him feel bad would be counterproductive for both of us. But by the next time, he's completely forgotten and/or disregarded. Plus he has a PE problem, he only lasts about 2 minutes, (unless he's been drinking, but dear god, I don't want to have one or both of us have to be drunk to have passable sex!) So, seriously, fumbling or nonexistent foreplay, 2 minutes of basic in-out action, and not even cuddling after. He tends to leave the room right after. I am losing my mind. I've bought toys to try to take care of myself as best I can, but I always cry after, wishing it had been him.

I've approached the subject of course- This issue keeps coming up for me, it's not just going to go away. We always end up in a big fight, even though I try like crazy to not accuse him or put him in a defensive position. It never goes well. My requests and suggestions aren't taken well; He feels wrong about using toys, and has no desire to experiment like I do. I would try anything he wants, with enthusiasm (!) but he just doesn't have the same mind-set. I don't get it!!! Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it?? He is such a giver when it comes to things and finances and he's a great provider but i cannot make sense of what's wrong with him sexually, or what's wrong with me that he doesn't crave me.

So now, over the years I've settled for our love life mostly consisting of me giving my husband lots of oral sex, which I initiate just to feel like I have SOME connection with him, and I figure it's my gift to him and one of us may as well be happy. He loves it of course but I'm always so stunned that there's so little regard for what MY sexual needs might be- does he even think about it? In other areas of life he is the kindest person I know. We are really good to each other. But I honestly feel like he has a take-it-or-leave-it approach when it comes to sex, and I am utterly heartbroken. We are not even 40 and all I can think is, I still have a lot of good years in me, and here I am staying up late every night reading marriage and sex advice forums and crying. I love him so much, and he would be destroyed if I left him. On the one hand I cant imagine losing my best friend but on the other, I can't imagine that this is the rest of my life.
 

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I am sorry for whatever reason that your husband is an idiot.

If I were you, I would not so gently inform him that if he does not shape up, you are going to have to leave.

Tell him you love him but he is NOT loving you back. If he is not willing to actively love you by participating in your marriage then it is doomed.

It takes two giving their all in a marriage. Right now, you are the only one putting in any effort.

Your husband is lazy and selfish. Those two traits are poison to any relationship.

You don't have kids and I would suggest never having them with this man. You need to let him know that you are a passionate, sexual , desirable woman that any man would love to cherish and ravage, but you want him to do the ravaging.

However, if he refuses to step up to the plate and really start WORKING to learn to please you, you are not going to waste your life and God given sexuality.

You sometimes have to be willing to let go of marriage to have a chance at improving it.

I do not believe in marriage at all costs. I have not had quite as bad a situation as you but I have had to engage my wife in similar conversations. We have both worked on it and now she is a lot more passionate and horny, for lack of a better term, than she ever use to be.

My drive still totally eclipses hers but she has really stepped up and improved.

If he is willing to put in effort and work then improvement will follow. It sounds like he has never tried. Does he think he is some type of gift to women that he doesn't even have to try?

Hope things work out but it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. There are many good men who will be good husbands while f'ing you silly!:D

I hope your H wants to become that man but I guarantee there are other men who can fill that role if he won't.

Don't settle. You don't have to.

Cheers! Best wishes.
 

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sounds like he needs some love lessons. Maybe a sexual surrogate to teach him some stuff? I am sure you already tried.

There are plenty of online "hot to make love to a woman" type of books and videos. Not sure any of them are any good, but if i were you i would buy a bunch, check them out,and if on was decent give it to him with a home study guide scheduled out.

Yes, 40 is too young to give up on sex. Maybe the fear of god put into him...tell him if he can not step up his love making, you will be looking for it somewhere else?
 
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With the many men here on TAM with LD or ND wives ..... it's so sad and frustrating to see someone like yourself here complaining about her husband !?!??!

Like WTF ........ I guess that's what makes up this universe huh ?? Men and women are two different creatures and we don't exactly know what is the right pressure , touch or lick the other person prefers or becomes aroused with but hey we can ask and learn no ??

Why because we love that other person enough to want to make him or her feel good ...... feel really , really good !?!? Unfortunately it seems as if your husband has ZERO desire for this and it's very sad to see. Hope one way or another he changes but honestly ...... I would not suggest holding your breath for him to make that change.
 

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Just to let you know that you are far from alone with this problem, I've posted a link for a book that I think will help you quite a bit.

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-Not-...42702&sr=1-1&keywords=why+men+stop+having+sex

We always hear about how all men are horn dogs. But that's not necessarily true. For example, men are as likely to choose to make a marriage sexless as women are. Your husband could be asexual, he might just be selfish and mean sexually (using it as a way to control you emotionally) , or some other things.

My suggestion is that you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Then you tell your husband how badly you are hurt by his total neglect of you sexually and what appears to be his lack of desire for you. Tell him that you would like him to with you to a MC/sex-therapist to fix things.

If he refuses, then you now that his actions are by choice. This is how he wants to relate to you. He might be generous in some ways, but he is thoughtless, lazy and punishing in others. When a person does this, it's often a form of emotional abuse/control.

The lack of emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage is more than enough to justify divorce.
 

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I recently got out of a similar situation and cannot tell you how relieved and happy I am. I have posted a thread about it if you want to read. I cannot tell you how much I wished my ex was someone like you. It hurt very much that she didn't have any desire for me.

Cliff's notes version:

- Ex wife was emotional and physically neglectful
- Sex became almost non-existent after six months of marriage
- Nothing in common really
- Didn't want to go to counseling because everything was ok for HER so my feelings didn't matter
- Made promises to fix things only to fall back into her pattern a short time later
- Filed for divorce in march, divorce finalized September
- Met an awesome girl shortly after filing for divorce
- Before divorce finalized, ex made an attempt to win me back

A few questions:

How old are you and your husband? If you're relatively young (early - mid 30s) I assume you want to have children one day? if you do, how will this happen if you and your husband aren't having sex?

Have you ever been to, or brought up, marriage counseling? What did he say? Does your husband understand how you feel?

People who are LD are selfish, no matter how much they claim not to be. They know how their partner is before marriage yet don't have the courage to break up with them. Oftentimes they pretend to enjoy sex until vows are exchanged. I know you said your husband and you waited until you were married to have sex - huge mistake. Sex is probably one of the top three most important things in a marriage and the only thing you cannot/shouldn't do with anyone other than your spouse.

You're only real choices are to live like this the rest of your life (in my opinion not worth it) or divorce. Neither choice is easy, but only one will allow you to be free to find happiness. I was lucky enough to find someone who actually understands, respects, and wants to be with me. I can't tell you how awesome it feels to be with someone who actually cares about me.
 

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Good evening tiredofbeing sad
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Its utterly miserable (as I know from experience), and depressingly common - look for various threads in the "sex in marriage" section. It seems pretty evenly split between men and women being the ones who are being denied sex.

The mismatched desires problem is awful. The high desire person ends up doing absolutely anything the low desire person wants in bed in the hope of getting something in return. They feel constantly unwanted, rejected, unloved. The temptation to cheat becomes so strong - they realized that there are people out there who desire them - who will give them what the long for and cannot have.

The low desire person feels constantly pressured, feels as if all their partner wants is sex. Think their partner is a Slvt, or Old Goat. Every bit of love or intimacy is seen as a bribe for sex.


This very rarely gets better. I went through this for 25 years. Things did improve finally - but now sadly they are declining again.

All I can suggest is that you try counseling, and if it doesn't work you leave. You have every right to leave - sex is an integral part of love, without it, you just have friendship. You deserve better.
 

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I am not your husband, but I'm sure my ex-wife could tell a similar story to yours. I was very low desire and did not want to confront the issue and eventually that among other things led to divorce.

What was my issue? My best friend told me I was never attracted to my ex-wife. It's a little shocking to think of but its probably true. As my nick indicates, I felt 'devotion' to my ex-wife but never had that spark. Which also includes sexual attraction. While we had pre-marital sex it was rare and just got rarer as time went on.

I don't know if your marriage could be saved. Mine ended with my wife cheating on me (at least emotionally, maybe physically). I only wish she had ended it before taking the 'low road' but I should have seen the writing on the wall.

It's funny that a lot of people think society puts too much value on sex, but when you add religious and cultural views in some ways it also puts too LITTLE value on it -- in a sense its hidden and couples don't want to openly discuss it and work towards a common goal.

I would suggest you seek formal marriage counseling (and possibly a sex therapist) because by the time I knew it was a problem it was too late. I also would suggest that you don't consider the low road -- if its not working out, go divorce. Especially since you don't have kids (same story with me).
 

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tired said: "Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it??"

This type of thinking is a problem. The more we stop stereotyping people, the better. I know the message that all young guys LIVE for sex seems like it is true, but it actually isn't.

I know that doesn't help you with the issue, but hopefully it will help you with your understanding of the world and of men and of your husband.

Some men could honestly care less about sex, let alone good sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you so much for this. I've been in too much of a gut-wrenching state this past month to even talk or type about things for a while, but I need to let you know, some of the things you wrote to me have been haunting me, they've been playing in my head since the day you put them on here.

My H has been out of town on business for this whole month and I've done nothing but soul-search and cry while he's been away, thinking about our future. I'm in agony, realizing that we have a precious friendship but I'm less convinced than ever that that can sustain me for the rest of my life. And i love him so darn much, it's ripping my guts out, but I think I may separate from him for a time.

I'm in knots of dread because I know everything he's going to say, if I approach him again about what I'm going through. Two weeks before he left for his trip I came to him with my heart on my sleeve about wishing he would hold and touch me more, that i missed him, that i needed him... and it was the most horrific fight. My normally sweet man absolutely sees red if i come to him with anything that hints at something I need that I'm not getting. he can't deal with it. If i stay quiet and sweet and humble at all times we get along fine (meanwhile, I'm dying inside.) This last time I tried talking to him he yelled and yelled and I ended up crying uncontrollably, just stunned and speechless.

He said things that just broke me, including "you need to get yourself straightened out with God" and "this is your insecurity issue, your problem, not mine; " " it turns me off when you walk around feeling sorry for yourself" and "go ahead and run off and find a guy that gives you all sorts of sex and you'll see you're every bit as lonely and insecure as you are now!" This all started because I said I miss sleeping in the same bed and having someone to hold in the night, and that I wish he wanted me more.

So, He's being his best self right now, having been away for a month and missing me, sending me sweet texts every day about how much he misses me. And this is the man that I fell in love with. No one is all one way, we have so many sides…its hard to reconcile this sweet guy with the cold uninterested lover. Talk about confusing. I have no idea how to act when he gets back in a few days. I'm torn up about it. If he initiates anything physical with me (most likely wanting a BJ, slight possibility he'll try to give me some obligatory intercourse, who knows) I don’t even know how to respond at this point. I've been so sad for so long that I'm starting to shut down.

So yes, I'm putting things in motion to take some time and get away and clear my head. I don’t know what else to do. There are no children, and I have never been so grateful for that. Please keep me in your thoughts, I know things are about going to get really bad.
 

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Guess what? Your man is not so sweet and wonderful. Anyone that blows a gasket and when you come to him with your needs is not that great of a guy, and one that uses religion to get out of his responsibilities as a husband is an even bigger jerk.

Think about it. Your husband is not that great of a guy, he cares not one iota about you as long as his needs are met.

Even guys that beat the crap out of their wives are sweet when they're not doing it, otherwise most abused wives would leave.
 

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Sweetheart, he is wrong, he is a liar, he is abusive and he does not love God. I am a very committed Christian and well read on sex in marriage.

You can do better and you deserve so much more than this hatefilled man has to offer.

He sounds mentally or emotionally unstable.

Please get some support around you and do not be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong.

I would not even wait and ponder because he will try to wear you down and you know he probably can because you love him.

He is deathly unhealthy for any woman and needs help.

You are not his therapist and it is not your job to fix him..

Please get out now. Get support. I guarantee you that there are many good men who can, enthusiastically, love you the way you need to be loved!

Got to go. You are healthy! He is very sick!
 

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This isn't just a guy who is LD. He insists on sleeping in a separate bedroom, he doesn't like to kiss, and when he has sex he has no interest in pleasing you. He doesn't even cuddle afterward, and leaves the room. When you try to talk about it, he gets extremely defensive and brings up God. I hate to fall back on such a cliche, but that just screams out someone who is gay and in denial. I would check out his cell phone and internet use, especially what he's really been doing during this month he is on a business trip.

One thing I don't understand. You say you saved yourself for marriage, but did that include kissing? If not, you knew he didn't like kissing before you were married, so you had a big clue about how things would turn out.

Sorry to be such a pessimist, but I can already see where this is going. You can leave now, or you can leave 10 years from now, but eventually you will leave. It's unlikely he will change and even less likely that you will learn to be happy with the status quo. However, before you decide to separate or leave, have you brought up the subject of marriage counseling? You don't have to bring up the idea as a way of "fixing" him, but instead of fixing you (with his help, of course). Once he is there, you might not solve this problem, but at least a third party might make you both be able to discuss it without all the fighting and shouting.
 

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There was little about his aggression in the OP but the subsequent info doesn't affect my theme too much cuz it fits the 'pattern'.

MANY men - whether it be most or not is irrelevant here - get a HUGE kick out of satisfying their partners, sexually and generally.

SOME aren't so good at reading signs of disappointment (or any other emotion).

Seems to me a pattern has set in since the wedding night - He's a 3-minute wonder and you say nothing and hope it gets better.

On the wedding night you were right to say nothing and it was entirely reasonable to hope. Subsequently, though, you've done little to address the issue.

While guiding his hands and suchlike would 'teach' a lot of guys what you like, a 'non signal reader' (or ignoramus, if you prefer) will think it's just something you want in the moment.

You've habitually - through not wanting to emasculate him and, we've since learned, perhaps through fear - given him every indication that you're happy. He's been given little or no reason to change.

You're right to be cheesed off and upset about it - but a handful of disappointing, PE encounters after the wedding night fiasco was the time to start addressing it.

I have no problem with Christianity but, like a con-man dons a suit and tie, he wouldn't be the first to use a professed faith as a cloak of deceit. That said, if we assume a 'good Christian upbringing' - not hanging with the 'bad' boys or banging the 'bad' girls under the high school bleachers - his not a virgin when you married him status might amount to little more than a couple of previous encounters with a choirgirl. All of 6 minutes! Pleasing women doesn't come naturally. If nobody teaches him otherwise - if you look happy and say you're happy you ARE happy!

Non reciprocal BJs and pretending you're happy to give them? In a mutually satisfying relationship, fantastic, you're a keeper. In your particular relationship that's bolstering the myth of your contentment. Short of balancing a beer on your head while you did it,,, uggg! If he managed to read that signal, "contented wife" must be burnt into his brain.

Again, not to knock Christianity, but in some communities the man being head of the household isn't uncommon. In any household, if it's done right there's nothing wrong with it. If it's done wrong, it raises little misogynists, who need addressing by their girlfriends and wives before the rot sets in.

Both his poor sexual performance and anger/outrage at your (rare, meek) outbursts are likely a result of poor and sheltered rearing.

YOU are a pleaser, yourself, perhaps, not reared with the tools to negate negative qualities in men.

Ultimately, the root causes matter little. You can only deal with the present and future.

If you think I'm blaming you, I'm not, but you need to see your contribution to your unfortunate situation. Addressing this now is gonna be a shìtload worse than if you'd done it way back, cuz his mindset is more entrenched.

Only by changing yourself can you hope to change him. Start gently and ramp it up until he understands how you feel. Initially, he might well be angry and hurt because you have, with some deliberation, deceived him. That said, there's reasonable anger and unreasonable anger. I'll trust you to recognise it because you clearly aren't stupid. Too much of the latterand/or refusal to change to better accommodate your needs and you'll know your marriage is over.

I wish you luck over the coming weeks. You deserve better but it won't come to you. Gotta go get it.
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Thank you so much for this. My normally sweet man absolutely sees red if i come to him with anything that hints at something I need that I'm not getting. he can't deal with it. If i stay quiet and sweet and humble at all times we get along fine (meanwhile, I'm dying inside.) This last time I tried talking to him he yelled and yelled and I ended up crying uncontrollably, just stunned and speechless.

He said things that just broke me, including "you need to get yourself straightened out with God" and "this is your insecurity issue, your problem, not mine; " " it turns me off when you walk around feeling sorry for yourself" and "go ahead and run off and find a guy that gives you all sorts of sex and you'll see you're every bit as lonely and insecure as you are now!"
I came here yesterday for the same reason.

If everything goes his way, things are good. If not, I pay for it. And that includes sex. If only people outside knew....

I am planning my escape. You should do the same.
 

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It's very common for a person to come to TAM and post about how great their spouse is but for this one thing that is wrong.... But then they go on to describe a really bad spouse. I think people don't separate their FEAR from the equation. You are afraid of losing what you do have. But that does not make him a good husband. A good husband would recognize the value of a sexual connection with his wife. A good husband by defnition would not allow his wife to be "dying inside". You can separate a man from his actions.

I do agree that it sounds like he is secretly gay. It's not unheard of the man being the sexual depriver but it is not as common. Gay is one of the many possible causes.... But taking into account that he likes oral sex and is very religious (therefore afraid to live as gay), these are some more indicators.
 

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Tiredofbeingsad, I feel so sorry that you are in this situation. My wife was somewhat in this situation with me. I had lost all desire for sex and it was driving her crazy. I actually was very rude to her. The truth was I had developed ED was very embarrassed about it. Of course I totally handled this wrong, but after a while realized how much I love her and that I was hurting her. I went to the doctor and found out what was going on and now with medication, we can't keep our hands off each other. I could have easily took the attitude of "Hey I'm ok" and did nothing, but that would have been selfish. For what ever reason, poor performance or whatever, your husband is selfish. I'm thinking if he realizes he could loose you, maybe he will get over his selfishness "right quick" and get some help
 

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I agree with bandit. He sounds abusive.

Don't let your love cloud your view of your husband. Write down from a bias perspective of your husband's actions, and not what you or he feels.
Like, he has anger issues, he avoids conflict, and whateever else. then read what you have written. Anyone can say words, but actions speaks more truth.Become a void and analyze your life, and see if you like the trajectory of your life, and takes steps to fix it. Good luck. This is your only shot at life and make sure you live it without to many regrets.
 
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