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My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..

She wasn't really a ****, she even didn't had sex for one night, but still...

In high school, she had I boyfriend who wanted to keep relationship in secret because he was, as he says, just came out of long relationship. She fell in love with him, and they had sex after couple of months. He was her first boyfriend. She says she did it just to make him happy, she even didn't enjoyed it. Even now, she don't know did he or not had a girlfriend when he was with her, but she still continued to have sex with him. She says that she was insecure, and she just wanted to be loved. She started going in college in different city and she stopped with that.

She had a couple of normal relationships afterwards, one 2 years long, and second maybe half year, and she had sex with them, but I am really fine with that, I don't see anything wrong if you have sex with someone who you are in relationship with.

Later, she started seeing some older man. He was around 45-50, and she was 24 at that time. She says that again she just wanted to be loved, and she liked his attention, he was fun... At first she wanted for their relationship to be secret because she didn't wanted for her parents to find out, and they were seeing mainly at his apartment and had sex. All her friends were against that relationship, but still she kept seeing with him for sex, and that continued for maybe half a year as she says, but as she first said it was only for a month, the for two months, I think that she didn't tell me the whole truth about how long she was with him. In some time she said to him that she want for their relationship be public, but he didn't wanted that. And they still kept it like that until and she said that she even don't remember how they split, it was like they just stopped seeing. At first she said she was with him 2 months, then 4 months, and last time she said it was 6 months, I don't even want to ask about that any more so I don't get more disappointed.

After that relationship, she met some guy, they started dating, they had sex. After a month or two, he said to her that he don't want relationship, how he was hurt in the past, and only want sex. She agreed with that as she thought he will change his mind, and she fell in love with him. She thought that she can change him, and didn't realized that he only used her. They kept seeing for sex only, i don't know how long, maybe 12-18 months. This relationship bothers me most. I don't know how she could be so stupid and not seeing he was only using her and didn't want relationship with her because she didn't respect herself at first place, so how could he respect her and take for relationship material?

After him, she had one more normal relationship, that is total of 6.

Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that. I don't have a problem if she was cheated and she didn't knew about that, but I have a problem if someone says he just want a sex with her, and she still agrees for that, not seeing that she is used.

I had 3 girls in long term relationships, before I met her when I was 28. I consider my self good looking, I go to gym, and I didn't had any self esteem issues, maybe in high school. I don't regret because I was with only 3 girls, numbers were never important to me. If I could I would do the same again. I had chances for one night sex, but it wasn't important for me. Often, the girls was the one who was approaching to me for this. The thing I wanted is, when I find someone I could share my life with, that she can be proud of me, and not having these exact same issues I have now with my wife.

I considered cheating on her, I thought maybe if I am a bad person, I couldn't blame her for what she did. Now I am considering divorce, because I lost respect to her. I can't respect her if she don't respect her self. Few days ago we had sex, and I was going down on her when she pushed me away, she said she has some pimple down there and she is not feeling sexy. It is insecurity like that that reminds me of her past relationships, how she was insecure in herself, letting those guys use her, etc. I am now angry at my wife, why she was stupid like that, why she didn't have respect for herself, and I don't know how to get over this.

Now, I don't know do i hate her, that guys who hurt her, or myself because i can't get over this and now I am hurting her.
 

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My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..

She wasn't really a ****, she even didn't had sex for one night, but still...

In high school, she had I boyfriend who wanted to keep relationship in secret because he was, as he says, just came out of long relationship. She fell in love with him, and they had sex after couple of months. He was her first boyfriend. She says she did it just to make him happy, she even didn't enjoyed it. Even now, she don't know did he or not had a girlfriend when he was with her, but she still continued to have sex with him. She says that she was insecure, and she just wanted to be loved. She started going in college in different city and she stopped with that.

She had a couple of normal relationships afterwards, one 2 years long, and second maybe half year, and she had sex with them, but I am really fine with that, I don't see anything wrong if you have sex with someone who you are in relationship with.

Later, she started seeing some older man. He was around 45-50, and she was 24 at that time. She says that again she just wanted to be loved, and she liked his attention, he was fun... At first she wanted for their relationship to be secret because she didn't wanted for her parents to find out, and they were seeing mainly at his apartment and had sex. All her friends were against that relationship, but still she kept seeing with him for sex, and that continued for maybe half a year as she says, but as she first said it was only for a month, the for two months, I think that she didn't tell me the whole truth about how long she was with him. In some time she said to him that she want for their relationship be public, but he didn't wanted that. And they still kept it like that until and she said that she even don't remember how they split, it was like they just stopped seeing. At first she said she was with him 2 months, then 4 months, and last time she said it was 6 months, I don't even want to ask about that any more so I don't get more disappointed.

After that relationship, she met some guy, they started dating, they had sex. After a month or two, he said to her that he don't want relationship, how he was hurt in the past, and only want sex. She agreed with that as she thought he will change his mind, and she fell in love with him. She thought that she can change him, and didn't realized that he only used her. They kept seeing for sex only, i don't know how long, maybe 12-18 months. This relationship bothers me most. I don't know how she could be so stupid and not seeing he was only using her and didn't want relationship with her because she didn't respect herself at first place, so how could he respect her and take for relationship material?

After him, she had one more normal relationship, that is total of 6.

Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that. I don't have a problem if she was cheated and she didn't knew about that, but I have a problem if someone says he just want a sex with her, and she still agrees for that, not seeing that she is used.

I had 3 girls in long term relationships, before I met her when I was 28. I consider my self good looking, I go to gym, and I didn't had any self esteem issues, maybe in high school. I don't regret because I was with only 3 girls, numbers were never important to me. If I could I would do the same again. I had chances for one night sex, but it wasn't important for me. Often, the girls was the one who was approaching to me for this. The thing I wanted is, when I find someone I could share my life with, that she can be proud of me, and not having these exact same issues I have now with my wife.

I considered cheating on her, I thought maybe if I am a bad person, I couldn't blame her for what she did. Now I am considering divorce, because I lost respect to her. I can't respect her if she don't respect her self. Few days ago we had sex, and I was going down on her when she pushed me away, she said she has some pimple down there and she is not feeling sexy. It is insecurity like that that reminds me of her past relationships, how she was insecure in herself, letting those guys use her, etc. I am now angry at my wife, why she was stupid like that, why she didn't have respect for herself, and I don't know how to get over this.

Now, I don't know do i hate her, that guys who hurt her, or myself because i can't get over this and now I am hurting her.
I dont see how you can hold your wife's past before she met you against her, it is somewhat hypocritical of you.
YOU want to cheat on her, how on earth has that got to do anything with your feeling that she disrespected herself, you really are immature. You accuse her of being insecure, you are not very secure yourself if this is bothering you so much, it is all in the past, leave it there.
I could ask you a question, why are you so stupid to marry someone without first finding out the details of her past or marrying someone when you already knew the details, you don/t come across as so smart yourself.
Finally, your buyers remorse is a bit late now isn't it, I would suggest you go speak to someone (a therapist) and grow up and be a man who has committed their life to someone, not find excuses to cheat or get out of the marriage.
 

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My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..

So there are no new revelations to cause your troubles now? What has changed in your relationship with her, other than you creating problems out of nothing?
 

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I think you are having second thoughts about being married and are using any excuse under the sun to justify leaving your wife.What exactly do you think she can do about past relationships,other than a time machine not a lot.Her past life and experiences are what made her the woman you professed to love and made certain vows to,don't start moving the goalposts to justify your wandering eye.
If you are going to leave then leave but don't use bs excuses and don't play the victim.
Be a man.
 

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Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that.
It is possible that 31 is still young and you are trying to put together your dealbreakers for relationships.

We are taught to be open minded, so we try to be. but I think we need to accept that for ourselves, there will be somethings that we will never be open about.

I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?

I dated a guy in college who told me he had just ended a 2 year relationship with someone who had 3 kids and, he thinks, 3 baby daddies. She cheated on him. And yet, he still wanted to go back and help....... one time asking(not really asking, demanding) the use of my car. Well, if little kids can make someone feel alive ........ I didn't have those props in my life.......

What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?

I think this a good topic to contemplate. Many of us are brought up on the belief of redemption. We believe that the past is the past.

But also forget that everybody is entitled to their opinion. And we can not control how others will employ their opinion of us.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
So there are no new revelations to cause your troubles now? What has changed in your relationship with her, other than you creating problems out of nothing?
I don't know, those things kept coming back to me from time to time. I maybe need to solve this on my own, to visit a therapist, but I thought to seek some advice here first, to see if anyone had similar issues and how they get over this. I would love if I could stop thinking about this for god, and have normal marriage, to love my wife and make her happy, she is a really good person, but sometimes her insecurity triggers this. Sometimes I hate my self for hurting her with those argues, she just tries to forget about all that bad things from her past, and live a normal happy life with me, but that is something that comes on my mind and I can't get over it so easily.
 

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I think you are having second thoughts about being married and are using any excuse under the sun to justify leaving your wife.What exactly do you think she can do about past relationships,other than a time machine not a lot.Her past life and experiences are what made her the woman you professed to love and made certain vows to,don't start moving the goalposts to justify your wandering eye.
If you are going to leave then leave but don't use bs excuses and don't play the victim.
Be a man.
Maybe I found some truth in this that I was not aware of. Maybe I am just trying to find some excuse to leave her, I don't know, it just makes sense to me in some way that I don't want to admit.
 

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I don't know, those things kept coming back to me from time to time. I maybe need to solve this on my own, to visit a therapist, but I thought to seek some advice here first, to see if anyone had similar issues and how they get over this. I would love if I could stop thinking about this for god, and have normal marriage, to love my wife and make her happy, she is a really good person, but sometimes her insecurity triggers this. Sometimes I hate my self for hurting her with those argues, she just tries to forget about all that bad things from her past, and live a normal happy life with me, but that is something that comes on my mind and I can't get over it so easily.
One of your problems is that you see your wife's former partners as "bad things" in her life but she probably doesn't and is only agreeing with you to placate you.What if she had had a child with one of these previous partners,would that have been a deal breaker from the start or would you have initially accepted it.Im not trying to make you feel bad but you have put her and yourself in an impossible situation.
Try therapy if you feel it will help but to be honest I think you want to be single and you feel your life would be better.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Either you are bored with her or there is an issue with your sex life, but her past isn't the real problem here.
Is that she rejects you but didn't seem to reject the men in her past?
I don't know, everything here that everyone wrote has some truth in it. I must admit that here was some situations like this that triggered anger in me. I really appreciate all of your advices, everything connects some things that I was not aware of until I read them.

I think that her libido is much lower than mine. She could have sex only once a week maybe, but I could do it 2-3 times a day. We have it now maybe 1-2 times a week, sometimes none.

She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day. We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.
 

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I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?

What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?
Now, I feel like I really don't know her. When her younger sister, who is 20 yo, slept with some guy on summer vacation last year, she was upset about what she did, she was crying, and said to her that she shouldn't do that with someone she don't love. But she allowed herself to be used for 10 years. If someone else but not her said those things she did in the past, I wouldn't believe him. I am still finding hard to believe she did that, like she is talking to ma about some other girl.

She don't talk about her past, she even don't like me to bring that, because she says she just want to forget about that bad things that happened to her. Her friends are mostly moved to another city, and she sees them rarely, it is two of us who spend time mostly, but i still see my friends often. I don't feel she is looking for drama, and I don't get weird looks.

Sometimes I am ashamed of her for being with that older guy, when I see my uncle, because he is a friend of him. Both of them are 50 years old, they own a club, and not married.
 

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You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face.

You are looking for an excuse to leave? You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.
 

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You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face.

You are looking for an excuse to leave? You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.
This is just plain mean. He is trying to sort out his feelings.

Maybe you are not good enough to be part of this discussion.
 

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I said it few times, and I will say it again, I do really sincerely love my wife, and as I said before, I hate myself for hurting her with those things which are bothering me. I consider myself a good person, I never cheated anyone, I never used anyone, and I would never do something bad to someone on purpose, especially to her.
 

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It is possible that 31 is still young and you are trying to put together your dealbreakers for relationships.

We are taught to be open minded, so we try to be. but I think we need to accept that for ourselves, there will be somethings that we will never be open about.

I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?

I dated a guy in college who told me he had just ended a 2 year relationship with someone who had 3 kids and, he thinks, 3 baby daddies. She cheated on him. And yet, he still wanted to go back and help....... one time asking(not really asking, demanding) the use of my car. Well, if little kids can make someone feel alive ........ I didn't have those props in my life.......

What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?

I think this a good topic to contemplate. Many of us are brought up on the belief of redemption. We believe that the past is the past.

But also forget that everybody is entitled to their opinion. And we can not control how others will employ their opinion of us.
The bolded part above says it all. Good catch.

It was written all over NOS's face and his dry tears.
 

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You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face.

You are looking for an excuse to leave? You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.
This is just plain mean. He is trying to sort out his feelings.

Maybe you are not good enough to be part of this discussion.

@lorikeet25's post may have been blunt, but there is a kernel of truth to it. The OP's first post indicates that he is judgmental of and lacks empathy towards his wife. His wife has some serious issues with insecurity, which manifested themselves in her previous romantic entanglements; given that her sister is exhibiting the same behavior, I'm inclined to believe that there's something related to FOO going on here. His wife needs compassion and understanding, not judgement. She needs to get into therapy, and she needs a partner who will support her through that, and it doesn't look like the OP has the emotional fortitude to be the partner that she needs.

For that matter, I also think that the OP needs to get himself into therapy and figure out why he is thinking and feeling this way, because he clearly has some issues of his own. If he can't overcome his own problems, he's not going to be a good partner for her.
 

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She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day. We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.
This is rotten. She is entitled to turn down sex if she doesnt want it, everyone is. You blaming her past for it is just low down. What she did in her past is her business, and who exactly do you think you are to be judging her about it? You should never have married her if you had such an issue with this. You should see if you can get an annulment.
 
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