[Openminded]

Don’t have children — with him anyway.

 

[Sfort]

I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.

Keep you chin up. The job market in the US is fabulous. Stores are closing early because they don't have employees. Waffle House ("always open") has started closing for lack of workers. Around here, they only do takeout after 8 pm. (Who wants cold eggs to go?)

 

[TXTrini]

I don't have the money.

I thought so too, but I spoke to an admissions advisor for a school I was interested in anyway. She saw a trend of women going back to school after a divorce to qualify for better-paying jobs and found a way to help me make it possible. I just finished my program, and am looking for a job in my field now.

Look around and make some calls, there are so many great online programs, some are self-paced. You can check out
Cousera.org for professional certifications and free/low-cost courses if you can't swing college. I'm currently doing one while I job hunt. Sign up for e-mails from them, they send offers periodically, right now there's an offer for $10/month.

I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.

I get it, I really do. I'm also looking for remote work. Don't give up hope! Where are you looking? If you're not using LinkedIn, it's one of the top places employees find people.

People don't understand how adrift and confused you can feel when you are a stranger in a strange land. I'm lucky enough to have my mom here now, but I literally had no other connections here when I left my exH, it was very scary.

Have courage! If you need more info, shoot me a PM, I'd be happy to share anything I can.

 

[TexasMom1216]

@Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.

It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let someone be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘

 

[RandomDude]

@Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.

It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let some be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘

Welcome back!!!!!

 

[Prodigal]

I don't have the money.

Many people go to college who cannot afford it. They get student loans. They apply for scholarships. They go to school and undertake a work/study programs that gives them an opportunity to earn some money while getting their degree.

 

[EI]

I thought so too, but I spoke to an admissions advisor for a school I was interested in anyway. She saw a trend of women going back to school after a divorce to qualify for better-paying jobs and found a way to help me make it possible. I just finished my program, and am looking for a job in my field now.

Look around and make some calls, there are so many great online programs, some are self-paced. You can check out
Cousera.org for professional certifications and free/low-cost courses if you can't swing college. I'm currently doing one while I job hunt. Sign up for e-mails from them, they send offers periodically, right now there's an offer for $10/month.


I get it, I really do. I'm also looking for remote work. Don't give up hope! Where are you looking? If you're not using LinkedIn, it's one of the top places employees find people.

People don't understand how adrift and confused you can feel when you are a stranger in a strange land. I'm lucky enough to have my mom here now, but I literally had no other connections here when I left my exH, it was very scary.

Have courage! If you need more info, shoot me a PM, I'd be happy to share anything I can.

I have read many of your posts/comments on TAM, but after reading this one, I just have to say, @TXTrini, you rock, you really do! What an amazing inspiration you are! I am in awe.

One of my favorite “can do” quotes is “I’ll find a way, or I’ll make a way,” and you are the human embodiment of that quote.

To the OP, listen to what TXTrini is telling you. Send her a PM. She has been through similar to what you are going through and much more. She won’t steer you in the wrong direction.

 

[Diana7]

No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know

Going onto escort sites is because you want to find an escort. Don't be naive.

 

[D0nnivain]

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

The wrongness of lying is universal. As a web designer you know how easy it is to find information. Yet you CHOSE to lie.

Your husband gave you bad advice but you are SOLELY responsible for following it. From where I sit you are at fault not him.

Own up to your mistake. Correct your resume to be truthful & go get another job. Everybody & their brother is hiring these days.

 

[Openminded]

No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know

Keep in mind that cheaters usually only admit to what you can prove (and even then most try to spin it) so it’s not in his best interest to tell you what actually happened. Don’t ever trust him the way you once did. That’s asking for trouble.

 

[TXTrini]

@Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.

It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let some be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘

You know, this might very well be the case, but it's hard to discern sometimes.

I've had many people ask me over the years (my therapist, doctors mostly) if I was abused, and I always said no. Sometimes it's so insidious you don't realize it, but neglect is emotional abuse. It eats away your confidence and self-esteem and makes you feel trapped. I became afraid of doing anything new, to the point where I don't feel comfortable leaving my house often, so I do everything remotely. I'm still working on that.

@ Snoopy
You're younger and hopefully haven't gotten to that point yet. Do you agree that it's a good idea to make some moves towards self-improvement now?

You and your husband are in therapy, right? So presumably you're working in your relationship? Would he support you while you're going to school? Even if you decide to stay, it would put you in a less tenuous position in the future but improve both your lots. Win-win.

Also, you could indicate your enrollment in your program on your resume(when you are!), some jobs offer tuition reimbursement as a perk. My ex didn't support me going back to school, or him (dumb me offered to do an online degree for him to further his career), there were all kinds of excuses and I believed him, b/c I had no reason not to (before I knew about his crap).

I know this seems really scary, but, I've made drastic moves, and every step of the way a stranger helped me. If you're religious at all, you might feel a sense of "rightness" when you act at times. People will help you if you ask and act. I'm still amazed at how doors open every time I want to give up. It's been a really hard journey, but worthwhile.

 

[TXTrini]

I have read many of your posts/comments on TAM, but after reading this one, I just have to say, @TXTrini, you rock, you really do! What an amazing inspiration you are! I am in awe.

One of my favorite “can do” quotes is “I’ll find a way, or I’ll make a way,” and you are the human embodiment of that quote.

To the OP, listen to what TXTrini is telling you. Send her a PM. She has been through similar to what you are going through and much more. She won’t steer you in the wrong direction.

Wow, thank you. This came at a truly opportune time for me and means the world to me.

It sure as heck doesn't feel that way sometimes, but what's the alternative, you know?

 

[Hopeful Cynic]

No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know

You already know he has a history of being deceptive to get what he wants, and has advised you to do so as well, to your detriment. Of COURSE he's lying about this now too.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Yeah sorry your husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every company in the Bay Area runs background checks and will verify all educational degrees. He gave you incorrect information.

 

[Openminded]

At one time, long ago, you could get away with that sort of thing (depending on where in the U.S. you lived) but it’s less common now. You learned your lesson about relying on your husband so work on a plan for your next job and move on.

 

[TXTrini]

Yeah sorry your husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every company in the Bay Area runs background checks and will verify all educational degrees. He gave you incorrect information.

My exH actually did this (a few months before DD), I was horrified and asked why the heck he thought that was a good idea and who advised him to do that.

The kicker is... he was a hiring manager and knew better. Some people don't care, they do what they want to get what they want.

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

Hey everyone,

I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!

Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.

BUT

My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.

What happened/Context:

I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.

I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.

While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".

However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.

So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).

After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.

I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.

I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.

I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.

The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.

I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.

I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.

It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

Thank you for reading.

Your husband is either stup** (or) not sincere with you.

You should know better as well.

Do give him a piece of your mind. Tell him that you are absolutely disappointed in him, have doubts about his sincerity, and your tolerance have limits. Tell him that this a warning and he should heed it.

About your resume - highlight (and magnify) your skills but be truthful about your academic credentials in it.

Companies will double-check your academic credentials - always.

I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.

1. Continue to look for a suitable job and do not miss another opportunity.
2. You can explore Freelancing options to earn extra bucks - if feasible.
3. Make a Savings Plan when you are earning.

You should consider improving your academic credentials [at a later stage] - getting a Bachelor's degree for real. Self-development is important consideration. If expenses are a concern then check scholarships in your area.

Scholarships by State (studentscholarshipsearch.com)

Some scholarships may have stringent terms and conditions (e.g. job might not be permitted). Freelancing will be helpful in this case. But it would be better to have some savings beforehand.

Best wishes.

 

[pawelh]

I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.

It only sounds like your blame shifting to lay it all on your H to ease your own acceptance of any responsibility.
Very immature.

 

[D0nnivain]

I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.

It's almost 4 months later & you are now posting under a different name but at this point if you still don't have a job that is YOUR fault. If you fixed your resume so it was truthful & sent it out, you would have a job. Your skill set is in high demand.

It's not solely your husband's fault. Yes he gave you bad advice but even at the time you thought what he was saying was questionable, yet you did it anyway. That is on you. You didn't have listen to him. He didn't have a gun to your head. The bigger question now is why haven't YOU done anything to correct the situation?