I try to not let my anger affect my reasoning. But yeah, it happened at least twice where I remember clearly that I had the right reasoning but by listening to him it went wrong. I can't remember the other times right now, as I'm thinking, but I know that there was also a lot of small things like that before too.
I lost my dream job because of my husband, and can't forgive him!
Hey everyone,
I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!
Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.
BUT
My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.
What happened/Context:
I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.
I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.
While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".
However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.
So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).
After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.
I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.
I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.
I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.
The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.
I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.
I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.
It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!
Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?
Thank you for reading.
I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!
Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.
BUT
My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.
What happened/Context:
I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.
I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.
While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".
However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.
So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).
After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.
I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.
I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.
I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.
The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.
I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.
I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.
It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!
Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?
Thank you for reading.
21 - 40 of 61 Posts
OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job.I asked him because he is my reference here. Surely, if he is telling me something it must be because he knows what he is talking about. Same if we were in France, I would give him advices on how to find a job or anything because I am his reference there... That was my reasoning. I know lying is wrong no matter what but at that time I was so desperate to find something else.
Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.
I understand but now you know he doesn't have the best ethics or advice.I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...
This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.
I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job.
Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.
Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man.I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.
Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.
I don't want to go back to France, it's all bad memories for me. I leave by myself since I'm 16. I grew up with my grandma who died when I was 16 and my mom didn't want to keep so I was by myself since then, working and studying. Also, I don't have much friends so I'll be in the same situation as here.Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man.
Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.
This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
Let me get this straight - you are questioning his ability to think logically? You already know he is a cheater and a liar who has sex with hookers and you are asking for and taking his advice? Alrighty, then. Carry on.
I am going to be straight with ya. In the US, it's more about who you know rather than what you know when it comes to getting a good job. Yes, there are always exceptions. But in my numerous years in the workforce, most people flat out lie or exaggerate skills/experience/education. But most everyone will say I would never do that! 😂
I know of multiple people who were not qualified for a job, but got hired or promoted because they knew the right people. I also know of people who did lie about degrees and have been in their position for years. But none of the positions are those that make critical life or death decisions.
I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.
I know of multiple people who were not qualified for a job, but got hired or promoted because they knew the right people. I also know of people who did lie about degrees and have been in their position for years. But none of the positions are those that make critical life or death decisions.
I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.
If you have found that getting a bachelor's degree will help you land the type of jobs you really want, why not go ahead and get a degree?
Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?
The fact is you know who he is and what he's capable of, you can't blame him for losing this job. You decided to take his bad advice. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is serious business. Just hope this doesn't follow you around, people talk.
Denial is not only a river in Egpyt...But you were asking him if its ok to lie. You say you don't usually lie so why ask him? Surely you already knew the answer. Far more serious is him having sex with prostitutes surely.
Is he still seeing escorts?
Yeah this didn’t make sense to me either.I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.
As others suggested, consider who you put trust into and also you are accountable as to what you follow. If having a degree is required with the type of orgs you want to apply to then maybe that is the lesson learned. Unless you’re able to freelance and get notable clients in your portfolio without that.
Lots of people embellish on their resumes to some extent but, to lie about having a bachelor degree? How thick are you?
You just need to start applying for jobs. And you're not going to be able to use that last one as a reference so that's the worst part of it.I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
It's time to grow up and put on the big-girl pants. Create some boundaries that work and you agree to not waver from. Don't even THINK about kids right now. Ohmygosh now. Because you could be on an escalating path of dishonesty, and you don't want kids to appear to rationalize that the end justifies whatever means.
When I was filling out applications, my older sister told me to lie about experience, and that they'd never check. I chose not to take that advice as I filled things out. Even though I was looking for my first job and my sister had been working for several years, so by default I knew she was more of an expert than I was. She would say the same thing to other family members, who also chose not to take her advice. In the end I chose not to lie, because regardless of location common sense tells you lying is wrong and people who have been lied to will react negatively upon finding that out. This isn't a cultural thing, it's true everywhere. And having lived in a certain country doesn't make you responsible for everything that happens here, either. Just like you could still give bad advice to a foreigner about some issue in France, and American can give bad advice about things here in America. Living in a country for a long time doesn't mean you are able to give good advice on any situation that occurs in that country. Human nature and the foibles of the advice giver still need to be taken into account.
You saw a benefit in lying, and so you lied. That's on you. He didn't put a gun to your head and make you do it. You allowed yourself to be convinced to do something you knew was wrong because you thought doing so would benefit you. And you know what makes a liar? The act of lying makes you a liar. The actions you choose to make define who you are as a person. If you don't want to be a liar, then stop lying going forward. Maybe you don't want to face that you've behaved as a liar, and it's easier to be mad at your husband and blame him than it is to admit you chose to lie and own it, deal with the consequences of your choice, and do better going forward. If you aren't getting any other similar jobs, it could be that type of job is screening applicants by degree, and you wouldn't have even been considered based on the truth. Programs screen by degrees and key words all the time before the applications ever reach a real person. I also think that if you called the job in an emotional state and sobbing that also may have had a negative impact, because it made you look unprofessional.
You have another choice going forward. You can choose to blame your husband and let this affect your marriage. Or you can choose to try and let it go and forgive and own the results of the actions you took. Forgiveness is also a choice, and an action. Just like lying is. You have agency.
You saw a benefit in lying, and so you lied. That's on you. He didn't put a gun to your head and make you do it. You allowed yourself to be convinced to do something you knew was wrong because you thought doing so would benefit you. And you know what makes a liar? The act of lying makes you a liar. The actions you choose to make define who you are as a person. If you don't want to be a liar, then stop lying going forward. Maybe you don't want to face that you've behaved as a liar, and it's easier to be mad at your husband and blame him than it is to admit you chose to lie and own it, deal with the consequences of your choice, and do better going forward. If you aren't getting any other similar jobs, it could be that type of job is screening applicants by degree, and you wouldn't have even been considered based on the truth. Programs screen by degrees and key words all the time before the applications ever reach a real person. I also think that if you called the job in an emotional state and sobbing that also may have had a negative impact, because it made you look unprofessional.
You have another choice going forward. You can choose to blame your husband and let this affect your marriage. Or you can choose to try and let it go and forgive and own the results of the actions you took. Forgiveness is also a choice, and an action. Just like lying is. You have agency.
Sorry hon but this is on you, not your husband. Of course he shouldn't have lied, but ultimately you're the one who typed in that info. That makes it your problem. Your anger toward him isn't justified.
Harsh lesson to learn.
Harsh lesson to learn.
I don't have the money.If you have found that getting a bachelor's degree will help you land the type of jobs you really want, why not go ahead and get a degree?
No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't knowIs he still seeing escorts?
I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.
Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?
The fact is you know who he is and what he's capable of, you can't blame him for losing this job. You decided to take his bad advice. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is serious business. Just hope this doesn't follow you around, people talk.
Denial is not only a river in Egpyt...
21 - 40 of 61 Posts
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