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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
I appreciate your candor. So this event is a catalyst that is simply confirming and compounding doubts that you already have about the relationship. That's important to know.

In terms of the resume debacle, the argument can certainly be made that you already knew the answer to whether or not falsifying credentials was a bad idea, and simply chose to defer responsibility to him rather than yourself.
But it sounds like this is just 'one more thing' that you actually find fault in him over. Is that accurate?
I try to not let my anger affect my reasoning. But yeah, it happened at least twice where I remember clearly that I had the right reasoning but by listening to him it went wrong. I can't remember the other times right now, as I'm thinking, but I know that there was also a lot of small things like that before too.
 

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I asked him because he is my reference here. Surely, if he is telling me something it must be because he knows what he is talking about. Same if we were in France, I would give him advices on how to find a job or anything because I am his reference there... That was my reasoning. I know lying is wrong no matter what but at that time I was so desperate to find something else.
OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job.

Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.
 

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I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.
I understand but now you know he doesn't have the best ethics or advice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job.

Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.
I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.
 

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I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.
Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man.
Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man.
Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.
I don't want to go back to France, it's all bad memories for me. I leave by myself since I'm 16. I grew up with my grandma who died when I was 16 and my mom didn't want to keep so I was by myself since then, working and studying. Also, I don't have much friends so I'll be in the same situation as here.
 

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This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.

Let me get this straight - you are questioning his ability to think logically? You already know he is a cheater and a liar who has sex with hookers and you are asking for and taking his advice? Alrighty, then. Carry on.
 

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I am going to be straight with ya. In the US, it's more about who you know rather than what you know when it comes to getting a good job. Yes, there are always exceptions. But in my numerous years in the workforce, most people flat out lie or exaggerate skills/experience/education. But most everyone will say I would never do that! 😂

I know of multiple people who were not qualified for a job, but got hired or promoted because they knew the right people. I also know of people who did lie about degrees and have been in their position for years. But none of the positions are those that make critical life or death decisions.

I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.
 

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Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.

Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?

The fact is you know who he is and what he's capable of, you can't blame him for losing this job. You decided to take his bad advice. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is serious business. Just hope this doesn't follow you around, people talk.

But you were asking him if its ok to lie. You say you don't usually lie so why ask him? Surely you already knew the answer. Far more serious is him having sex with prostitutes surely.
Denial is not only a river in Egpyt...
 

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I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.
Yeah this didn’t make sense to me either.

As others suggested, consider who you put trust into and also you are accountable as to what you follow. If having a degree is required with the type of orgs you want to apply to then maybe that is the lesson learned. Unless you’re able to freelance and get notable clients in your portfolio without that.
 

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I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.
You just need to start applying for jobs. And you're not going to be able to use that last one as a reference so that's the worst part of it.
 

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Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...

It's time to grow up and put on the big-girl pants. Create some boundaries that work and you agree to not waver from. Don't even THINK about kids right now. Ohmygosh now. Because you could be on an escalating path of dishonesty, and you don't want kids to appear to rationalize that the end justifies whatever means.
 

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When I was filling out applications, my older sister told me to lie about experience, and that they'd never check. I chose not to take that advice as I filled things out. Even though I was looking for my first job and my sister had been working for several years, so by default I knew she was more of an expert than I was. She would say the same thing to other family members, who also chose not to take her advice. In the end I chose not to lie, because regardless of location common sense tells you lying is wrong and people who have been lied to will react negatively upon finding that out. This isn't a cultural thing, it's true everywhere. And having lived in a certain country doesn't make you responsible for everything that happens here, either. Just like you could still give bad advice to a foreigner about some issue in France, and American can give bad advice about things here in America. Living in a country for a long time doesn't mean you are able to give good advice on any situation that occurs in that country. Human nature and the foibles of the advice giver still need to be taken into account.

You saw a benefit in lying, and so you lied. That's on you. He didn't put a gun to your head and make you do it. You allowed yourself to be convinced to do something you knew was wrong because you thought doing so would benefit you. And you know what makes a liar? The act of lying makes you a liar. The actions you choose to make define who you are as a person. If you don't want to be a liar, then stop lying going forward. Maybe you don't want to face that you've behaved as a liar, and it's easier to be mad at your husband and blame him than it is to admit you chose to lie and own it, deal with the consequences of your choice, and do better going forward. If you aren't getting any other similar jobs, it could be that type of job is screening applicants by degree, and you wouldn't have even been considered based on the truth. Programs screen by degrees and key words all the time before the applications ever reach a real person. I also think that if you called the job in an emotional state and sobbing that also may have had a negative impact, because it made you look unprofessional.

You have another choice going forward. You can choose to blame your husband and let this affect your marriage. Or you can choose to try and let it go and forgive and own the results of the actions you took. Forgiveness is also a choice, and an action. Just like lying is. You have agency.
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.

Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?

The fact is you know who he is and what he's capable of, you can't blame him for losing this job. You decided to take his bad advice. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is serious business. Just hope this doesn't follow you around, people talk.


Denial is not only a river in Egpyt...
I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.
 
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