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I lost my dream job because of my husband, and can't forgive him!

5659 Views 60 Replies 28 Participants Last post by  EleGirl
Hey everyone,

I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!

Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.


My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.

What happened/Context:

I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.

I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.

While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".

However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.

So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).

After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.

I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.

I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.

I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.

The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.

I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.

I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.

It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

Thank you for reading.
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When I was filling out applications, my older sister told me to lie about experience, and that they'd never check. I chose not to take that advice as I filled things out. Even though I was looking for my first job and my sister had been working for several years, so by default I knew she was more of an expert than I was. She would say the same thing to other family members, who also chose not to take her advice. In the end I chose not to lie, because regardless of location common sense tells you lying is wrong and people who have been lied to will react negatively upon finding that out. This isn't a cultural thing, it's true everywhere. And having lived in a certain country doesn't make you responsible for everything that happens here, either. Just like you could still give bad advice to a foreigner about some issue in France, and American can give bad advice about things here in America. Living in a country for a long time doesn't mean you are able to give good advice on any situation that occurs in that country. Human nature and the foibles of the advice giver still need to be taken into account.

You saw a benefit in lying, and so you lied. That's on you. He didn't put a gun to your head and make you do it. You allowed yourself to be convinced to do something you knew was wrong because you thought doing so would benefit you. And you know what makes a liar? The act of lying makes you a liar. The actions you choose to make define who you are as a person. If you don't want to be a liar, then stop lying going forward. Maybe you don't want to face that you've behaved as a liar, and it's easier to be mad at your husband and blame him than it is to admit you chose to lie and own it, deal with the consequences of your choice, and do better going forward. If you aren't getting any other similar jobs, it could be that type of job is screening applicants by degree, and you wouldn't have even been considered based on the truth. Programs screen by degrees and key words all the time before the applications ever reach a real person. I also think that if you called the job in an emotional state and sobbing that also may have had a negative impact, because it made you look unprofessional.

You have another choice going forward. You can choose to blame your husband and let this affect your marriage. Or you can choose to try and let it go and forgive and own the results of the actions you took. Forgiveness is also a choice, and an action. Just like lying is. You have agency.
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