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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey everyone,

I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!

Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.

BUT

My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.

What happened/Context:

I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.

I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.

While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".

However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.

So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).

After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.

I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.

I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.

I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.

The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.

I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.

I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.

It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

Thank you for reading.
 

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I know, I never lie. I hate lying! I just trusted my husband so much and I thought he knew better than me. Now I've learned to listen to myself more often.
Of course, he thought lying was a good idea. This is the same husband who bangs hookers instead of you, right?

I'm sorry he got you to wallow in the mud with him. Let this be a life lesson for you, liars have absolutely no integrity in any aspect of their life. I'm sorry you had to learn this the hard way.
 

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Hey everyone,

I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!

Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!!
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.

BUT

My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.

What happened/Context:

I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.

I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but he insured me that they wouldn't check. Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.

While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".

However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said yes, He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.

So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).

After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.

I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, I never lie. I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.

I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.

I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.

The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.

I was devastated;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.

I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.

It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

Thank you for reading.
I am very sorry that happened to you, but it still falls on you because you did what your husband said you should do which was bad advice. And you got caught. Stop doing what other people tell you when you know better. I hope you'll be able to find another job soon and I know you will because people need help everywhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am very sorry that happened to you, but it still falls on you because you did what your husband said you should do which was bad advice. And you got caught. Stop doing what other people tell you when you know better. I hope you'll be able to find another job soon and I know you will because people need help everywhere.
I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
True story-

IF I ask for my wife's opinion... it's simply that.

IF I adopt her opinion as my decision.... well it's my decision at that point. I have to own it.

Life is a * sometimes.
It is my decision, I know. That's why I struggle being mad at him. I keep asking myself "is it fair to blame it on him?". But at the same time, I'm so mad even after a month. Especially that I still didn't get a new job...
 

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It is my decision, I know. That's why I struggle being mad at him. I keep asking myself "is it fair to blame it on him?". But at the same time, I'm so mad even after a month. Especially that I still didn't get a new job...
You can be mad for the 'bad opinion'... totally understandable. But you can't let this escalate. If you are mad about this... TALK TO THE MAN. After he fully understands your side... as it should be obvious... then you gotta get back on the horse and figure out what's next for your career.

It was a mistake... it won't happen again for you... and you move on.
 

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Lesson learned. For the both of you. Both of you were wrong.
I can understand being frustrated and disappointed over the incident, and the resulting outcome.

If you are still holding your husband responsible for the entirety of this outcome after a month, that is definitely on you.
Your ability to pursue and land a job has nothing to do with him.

Have you stopped to think about what it is EXACTLY that you are angry about?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You can be mad for the 'bad opinion'... totally understandable. But you can't let this escalate. If you are mad about this... TALK TO THE MAN. After he fully understands your side... as it should be obvious... then you gotta get back on the horse and figure out what's next for your career.

It was a mistake... it won't happen again for you... and you move on.
I talked to him, he apologized and everything. He said he understand why I'm mad. But right now, I'm interviewing with other companies and all I get is contractor positions again (which is fine, it's still a job) but I can't help myself but compare it to the job I lost. And I keep getting mad at him for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Lesson learned. For the both of you. Both of you were wrong.
I can understand being frustrated and disappointed over the incident, and the resulting outcome.

If you are still holding your husband responsible for the entirety of this outcome after a month, that is definitely on you.
Your ability to pursue and land a job has nothing to do with him.

Have you stopped to think about what it is EXACTLY that you are angry about?
Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
 

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I talked to him, he apologized and everything. He said he understand why I'm mad. But right now, I'm interviewing with other companies and all I get is contractor positions again (which is fine, it's still a job) but I can't help myself but compare it to the job I lost. And I keep getting mad at him for it.
Stop comparing. What's done is done. It's not coming back. You have another lesson to learn... unfortunately.

If you have job prospects... then you are moving in the right direction.

And who's to say you would have landed the job WITHOUT the credentials you said you had? Have you thought that through?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Stop comparing. What's done is done. It's not coming back. You have another lesson to learn... unfortunately.

If you have job prospects... then you are moving in the right direction.

And who's to say you would have landed the job WITHOUT the credentials you said you had? Have you thought that through?
Yes, I've thought about it. I believe I would've got it though. I'm not 100% sure, but they loved me mostly because of the work I produced. Not my experience. It is very common in Tech too, they recognize your talent more than your experience. But again, I can't be sure.
 

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I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.
Regardless of whether they verify things its still lying isn't it. So still wrong. Someone else could have lost out because you lied.

Appy for more jobs, or maybe ask for your old job back temporarily. Your husband is awful, I have absolutely no idea why you wont leave him.
 

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Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
But you were asking him if its ok to lie. You say you don't usually lie so why ask him? Surely you already knew the answer. Far more serious is him having sex with prostitutes surely.
 

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Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
I appreciate your candor. So this event is a catalyst that is simply confirming and compounding doubts that you already have about the relationship. That's important to know.

In terms of the resume debacle, the argument can certainly be made that you already knew the answer to whether or not falsifying credentials was a bad idea, and simply chose to defer responsibility to him rather than yourself.
But it sounds like this is just 'one more thing' that you actually find fault in him over. Is that accurate?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Regardless of whether they verify things its still lying isn't it. So still wrong. Someone else could have lost out because you lied.

Appy for more jobs, or maybe ask for your old job back temporarily. Your husband is awful, I have absolutely no idea why you wont leave him.
I asked him because he is my reference here. Surely, if he is telling me something it must be because he knows what he is talking about. Same if we were in France, I would give him advices on how to find a job or anything because I am his reference there... That was my reasoning. I know lying is wrong no matter what but at that time I was so desperate to find something else.
 
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