Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 32 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I lied to my wife about watching porn. 3 years ago we were having a really bad time and I signed up to an online porn account. I commented on a girl's photo and "liked" a couple of other photos. We worked through our bad patch but I continued to use the online porn. I kept the account I had opened so I could "favourite" videos. I used the site to stimulate me but my wife found the account and has realised I have lied to her. I am totally devastated, I feel I have ruined everything. She needs to be able to trust me, it's important to her and I have broken that trust. I don't know what to do. I fell so ashamed of myself for lying. I feel like I lied because I was ashamed of what I was doing. I love my wife so much and I don't want to loose her but I don't know what I can do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
499 Posts
I don't think you'll lose her over this. Its porn, its not real life. I gate the fact that my husband watches porn BUT there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't tell him he can't, he's a man and men need it sometimes.

It is only a problem if he can't perform for me due to excessive masturbation. That's when problems start.

Do you and your wife have frequent sex? Or vanilla sex?

I've found that a lot of women who aren't open to a lot of things sexually may find porn very offensive due to the fact that you're getting off to what she isn't doing rather then what she is doing.

At the end of the day, porn is porn. Its the only alternative to cheating when your wife is not available.

Explain to your wife that sometimes you get urges and when she's not around you would rather watch porn then to ever go out and find relief elsewhere.

Tell her that your are soooo sorry that you hid it from her, but you didn't want to cause a fight over.nothing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Ano for your reply. The problem isn't so much with the porn it's the lying about it that is really hurting her.

I know commenting on a girl's photo has really hurt my wife but it's the fact the I lied to her about it. She asked me and I lied and said I didn't do it. I felt really bad for lying and like I wanted to come clean about it but I felt too ashamed. When she asked me the next time I knew she had evidence of my account and I have tried to tell her everything.

She has been looking through everything on my computer and found some things that make it look like I have also chatted to girls online. I haven't but I don't remember setting up chat accounts and that has made her more suspicious.

She has had experience of cheating in the past and I know she won't be able to trust me again.

I'm not sure what vanilla sex is but she really does fulfill me sexually and is open minded, I love her so much and hate myself for lying to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
What exactly did you lie about?
Using porn, signing up for an account or commenting on women?
I'm asking because for the most part one of these is not like the other & will effect how you approach your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
What is it specifically that you are getting out of the online account, if you continued to do it?
What was the gratification that you were not getting?
What does it mean to you?

Have you closed the account, has she asked you to stop?
If so, have you offered to give her full access to your computer so she can check anytime she wants?

It's not just really the lying... but the porn is an issue as well, if it's affected your own sex life. And well, whatever you were doing, you had to LIE about it. So that in itself means it was something you didn't want her to know about it. No matter how open minded she is. If you were just viewing porn to MB, would you have to lie about that if she is okay with porn? Was there any chatting going on? In 3 years on that account, no one ever contacted you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,636 Posts
You need to reestablish the trust. Apologize and explain some of the things you have explained here. Make sure she understands that these don't excuse your behavior. Figure out what you are going to do to help her regain her trust in you and then tell her. Things include giving her passwords, setting up a key logger, perhaps putting in site blocker and giving her the passcode. Do you think counseling, whether individual or marriage, is needed. Ask her if she thinks so. After running through your list, ask her what she else needs from you.

You have damaged your marriage, so you need to start the hard work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
499 Posts
As far as the lying goes, I can see how that would upset her.

Even more so that you have an actual account. There is so much free/ no account required porn online and in my opinion if my husband had an actual account that he was able to comment and like photos with, I would not be happy.

Let her go on your account and change your password so that you can no longer access this account (and don't do the forget password option ever)!

Forget this account ever existed because it brings back negative memories to your wife.

Go together and pick out some videos. You can't chat or comment on photos on a dvd. Assure her that this will be the only porn you will watch so she knows you aren't commenting and chatting with other women.

This may not be a step that you want to take just yet as her trust is still hurt from the lying.

Can you live without your home computer for a couple weeks? Take the power cable if its a desktop computer or the charger cable if its a laptop (or both), put it in a bag and give it to her. Don't offer it, get it, put it in a bag, and force her to take it for a while. This will show her how sorry you are and the steps that you are taking to make things right.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
I think different wives view porn, well differently. Some are ok with it, some not.

What’s got to your wife is as you rightly say is your lying about it when she asked you a direct question. So you deceived her and she feels betrayed.

The emotions associated with betrayal are primal and very deep. Research “emotions of betrayal” to get an idea of what you face. Inside of her your wife will have the emotions of anger, dislike (for you), maybe revenge, pain and the wounds associated with it.

But it’s actually more than that. Now because you’ve lied to her she’s wondering what else you’ve lied to her about as well. And that will give her a great feeling of insecurity. She really wont know what was true and what was a lie to do with your past together.

Do the research on the emotions and consequences of betrayal because you’ll at least get an idea of the massive problems you face.


Ask your wife what you must do for her to regain her trust in you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
You knew you were doing something verboten and you did it anyways and lied about it. You now have to start from scratch as far as your wife's trust in you.

Read my story and see what my hubby has done to regain mine. He started out doing exactly what you did and then kept taking one step further and further till he was paying money to escorts. What you did wasn't that bad, but to your wife it might as well have been. Take some cues from my hubby and PM me if you want more info than what's in my story (link in my sig)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you everyone for your posts. I have tried to be honest with her about everything.

@Phenix70 I lied to her about watching porn but I had honestly forgotten that I had made the comment on the photo, though I dont think she thinks I lied about that.

@deejov the account literally gave me nothing more than the ability to favouritise videos. I wish I had just googled the odd bit of porn and didn't have an account. I made one comment once right back in the beginning and have never wanted to do that again.

I have tried to explain all of it to her but it just makes me feel awful and she seems to hate me more and more. She thinks I am disgusting.

I know this is the end. 10 years of the most beautiful marriage over because I lied. I love my wife very much but I just know she can't forgive me for this.

I would like to write more and get more out but I'm too upset right now. Thank you for your help though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,871 Posts
Your problem Geo is not just the lie, it is the shame you have for your behavior. Together you and your W will work through the lies, but by yourself you need to deal with the toxic shame you have about this that caused you to have to lie in the first place, and also by making you give into compulsion rather than just truly enjoy it for what it is.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
No woman of sound mind throws away a good husband over just one deceit.

Either you are being stingy with the truth or there is far more going on in your wife’s life than you know about and she’s using your deceit as an excuse to terminate your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
Write it out, it could very well help you gain some insight, it certainly will help to get it all out.
Writing it out could also help trigger why/how/when you were looking at porn, this could help in talking with your wife in case there are anymore "surprises" lurking about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Hi All, George;s wife here.

Just for the record, I have always been open minded sexually and regarding porn. Over the last 10 yrs we have done some crazy stuff together and we've had our ups and downs, but we are , i thought, we were best friends. When ever we have discussed porn in the past, i have always said i was fine with him watching it and using it. I just thought all men did it. And i really was fine with it. Sometimes when I've been bored at home alone, i have watched a bit too, and i'm always open about this.
Over the years he has always said more and more that he doesn't like porn and that he only ever MBs over me. I always said each time i thought that was a little odd, becuase i have fantasies in my mind that well, all sorts of things, and its fine to MB over it bcos its just a fantasy, for me MB is part of our sex life, and the real fun is when we have sex.

Anyway, AFEH, your comments irritated me a little. You know nothing of our 10 yr history together and my own history.
When I met George, we had loads of heart to heart conversations about how we would always be open to each other and never lie, and if either one if us ver wanted to leave the relationship we would talk about it and never cheat. This was my only 'rule' - no lies.
This is a real issue for me and he has always known it. My Dad had an affair from when I was aged 4 to 8. My Mum was devastated, my family life was hell, they rowed ad almost got divorced every month, they were aggressive toward each other, they blamed my sister and I for thier marital probs and even tried to put her into foster care!
So I never wanted the same for me. Anyway for my first BF of 3 yrs to whom i was engaged turned out to be lying cheating horrid person.
So I was super determined if I ever had another relationship that I would not pick someone who was a liar. And George seemed so genuine.
Over the 10 yrs it has been George and Anna take on the world.
The bad patch we were going through when he began this secret porn account was due to the fact that a few months previously we had had unprotected sex. We had talked about having babies a couple of weeks before, were drunk and didn't use a condom, and I though we were making babies. Anyway the next day he told me he wanted me to take the morning after pill. I was really upset and told him i didn't want to but he wouldn't talk about just said he wanted me to. I came to the conclusion tht I shouldn't have achild with man who doesn't want one. So I took it and felt very low for a few months. He never talked to me or gave me any support and it hurt me, i felt rejected.
So, a few months after we had a bad patch and were thinking of splitting up. But I never strayed, I always was in turmoil what to do. I loved this man, but he wouldn't talk to me about important stuff. I was lost. Anyway I had a night out with friends and felt like I just knew I wanted to make a go of it with him, so I cam back home, told him and made love to him.
So since then I have been single handedly rebuilding the relationship. After another year, he finally began opening up and talking, but now I know he was lying about this. And the deciept and lie is so shocking and painful.
So to bring in more recent events. We decided to start trying for a baby in january. This was a big, no huge, step for me, becuase I had to trust him. I could see how ulnerable my own mum was when she had to stay with my dad, despite him doing that to her, So I had to be sure that the man I was going to be dependant on and have kids with was trustworthy and loved me.
And I really had built that trust back up again.
In March I got preganant, and then at the end of April, at 8 weeks I had a miscarriage.
The iscarriage, was devastating, I wanted my baby so much, and hd so many emotions. But the whole experiene brought us so much closer together. I was truly bonded with George he was my friend, my lover, he was there for me, and I just felt liek we were the closest we had ever been.

And he has told me that he even used the porn site, in 'incognito mode' hidden and secret and lying, after the miscarriage, after all that.
It hurts me so much.


When we got talking about porn last saturday. I asked him if he watched it and he hesitated, and then said he sometimes watched popups, but he never actually typed in a url. I said well, why dont you if you want to watch it? And I told him i did sometimes. And I even said to him, I asked him if he would like more alone time, on his comuteer becuase i thought he was uncomfortable about the porn and i wanted him to feel comfortable! ha! If only i had known he was perfectly comfortable, he closed the curatins, and did it all in secret. He lied to me for 3 years! 3 years.

He knew, if he ever lied to me it would be over. He has done some other things int he past which aren't very nice, but i can forgive alot, but lying, its my boundary, i just cant live with it. I won't be in paranoid bickering relationship.

I'm just so gutted, becuase I am losing my best friend, my lover, i love him with all my heart, and i just cant believ he has been prepared to wreck everything a nd hurt me like this. I am so shocked.


oh and the comments read something like 'mmmm you are stunning, i would love to spoon with you'
even when i asked him again he denied it, only when i shouted at him that i knew he was lying did he admit it
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
Anyway, AFEH, your comments irritated me a little. You know nothing of our 10 yr history together and my own history.
That's the sum total of what you think about what I wrote? Goodness gracious me..


I think different wives view porn, well differently. Some are ok with it, some not.

What’s got to your wife is as you rightly say is your lying about it when she asked you a direct question. So you deceived her and she feels betrayed.

The emotions associated with betrayal are primal and very deep. Research “emotions of betrayal” to get an idea of what you face. Inside of her your wife will have the emotions of anger, dislike (for you), maybe revenge, pain and the wounds associated with it.

But it’s actually more than that. Now because you’ve lied to her she’s wondering what else you’ve lied to her about as well. And that will give her a great feeling of insecurity. She really wont know what was true and what was a lie to do with your past together.

Do the research on the emotions and consequences of betrayal because you’ll at least get an idea of the massive problems you face.


Ask your wife what you must do for her to regain her trust in you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Hi George's wife again here, i have now registered for my own account

sorry, i havent slept properly for days and obviously didnt read the entire thread and remember it all.

I'm not coping very well, tbh, i cant sleep, cant eat, i'm having nightmares about him, i even call the samaritans in my dreams!

our beautiful relationship has disappeared, and i dont recognise my husband anymore. Our home, our pets, I just dont know where to start to sort everything all out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
It is interesting when the other side tells their story.

Thanks for sharing.

I'm one of those people that won't like.

Your husband doesn't deserve to be held responsible for the things OTHER people did to you.

He should be "judged" on his actions, behaviors, and how he handles what HE did. That's all.

Yes, you made it clear to him before marriage that you do not like lying. Yes, you have been through a "bad patch" and you are still hurting over some things.

Things should be put in the perspective they deserve.

Talk to him about this. Maybe he did not want to upset you, as you've gone through some stuff yourself lately. Maybe he made a mistake. Maybe he came here in the first place, and poured his heart out, to find a way to show you he is sorry.

But alas, everyone is entitled to their own personal dealbreakers.
If lying is your personal dealbreaker, and you have no intentions of forgiving him, then know you will also carry this for the rest of your life.

It's not the person you don't forgive that suffers. It's the one that refuses to do so. You are going through that right now. The victim. He did this to you. How dare he do that? Well, it cannot be changed.

So it's up to you to decide if you want to LET this keep you up at night, give you nightmares, and scar you for life. You can choose to let it go, and move on from there. Not all people are evil. But we are human. We make mistakes.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck and best wishes.
 
1 - 20 of 32 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top