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I was flirting via email with a married woman, to the point where we were going for a drink, and her husband caught us and told my wife - I denied everything and lied for hours about it. The next day I told her the truth - and she is devastatedce clean and told her the truth. I lied to her though and she thinks it was going to be a full blown affair. How do I fix this mess ? How do I get her trust back? Any help at all is appreciated
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Wad up a piece of paper and try to flatten it to be perfect again. She is going to take a long long long time to trust you again. Why should she? You lied. Why should she believe it wasn't going to be a full blown affair? I'm sorry I'm being completely honest. There is no magic solution to this. It's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of effort and she will never ever fully trust you again.
 

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I was flirting via email with a married woman, to the point where we were going for a drink, and her husband caught us and told my wife - I denied everything and lied for hours about it. The next day I told her the truth - and she is devastatedce clean and told her the truth. I lied to her though and she thinks it was going to be a full blown affair. How do I fix this mess ? How do I get her trust back? Any help at all is appreciated
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How about you start of by being really honest with yourself. You got caught before it went too far, odds are you were actually going to have a full blown affair. It is not normal, healthy behaviour for a married man to flirt with a married woman and then arrange drinks.

Unless you take full responsibility for your own actions and stop putting this back on your wife by say she "thinks it was going to be a full blown affair", then you will never fix the mess you have created. Take responsibility for your actions or next thing you will be saying is that your wife forced you into this situation due to some or other action or inaction of hers.
 

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You don't deserve her trust. You were deceiptful in chatting up this woman. You were deceiptful in lying about it. You earn trust and distrust in the same way...by your actions. The fact that your wife can't believe you isn't her problem. It's the natural consequence of deliberate and repeated choices on your part. Make deliberate and repeated choices to be completely honest and transparent and you may eventually earn the right to be trusted again. It won't happen quickly. If your wife had sex with another man and then lied about it, what would it take for you to trust her again? You were going to have sex with this woman. You didn't because your plan was discovered and thwarted before you had the chance. You weren't going to meet this woman for drinks because you intended to play checkers. Between your ears and in your heart, you are an adulterer. Whether you actually had sex with this woman is only a technicality.
 

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The primary "mess" that needs fixing isn't that your wife is unhappy with your or that she distrusts you. The primary "mess" is that you don't respect yourself enough to demand honorable, honest behavior of yourself. Another "mess" is that you slipped into a pattern of lacking integrity. You'd be one person to your wife but another behind her back. You'd likely expect higher behavior from your wife, your boss, your kids, the guy at the corner store, than you expect from yourself. Why? Why would you be too timid to fix whatever's wrong with your own relationship but rather turn to someone else's wife for a quick, cheap, bandaid?
 

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I was flirting via email with a married woman, to the point where we were going for a drink, and her husband caught us and told my wife - I denied everything and lied for hours about it. The next day I told her the truth - and she is devastatedce clean and told her the truth. I lied to her though and she thinks it was going to be a full blown affair. How do I fix this mess ? How do I get her trust back? Any help at all is appreciated
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Ok, Listen, what TYPE of man do you WANT TO BE -from here on in? What type husband, Father, son, brother.... and ask yourself...is this just giving LIP SERVICE to save face, to get over a hump & move on.... or do you genuinelly want to be there for your wife, work on your marriage- get the intimacy back WITH HER.... be an honorable man of integrity ??

YOU are getting beat up here pretty bad with some of these replies, this is to be expected...many here have been hurt like this & have caught their spouses in such lies -that led to further than you got. When caught, it = trying to get away with something, so the wife can NOT erase this from her brain & her
right now. It is betrayal to her and what you have "built" together.

I believe in 2nd chances, we are all capable of screwing up & doing something STUPID , even hurtful in a wrong moment, or we allowed things to get out of hand -for near pleasure or even Ego.....it happens. I wouldn't throw a husband to the curb for this... but TRUST is essential, you will have to EARN IT NOW.... is your wife worth the mountain you need to climb to get this back.. are you up for the task ??

Your answer lies in showing genuine remorse ....and then a willing "Transparency" with her .... Read carefully my thread.... it needs to become your Lifestyle -because you love your wife & want to do right by her....and for you both to diligently work on what has been lost in your marraige along the way.. ? What are the issues ?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36164-100-transparency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html
 

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How do I fix this mess ? How do I get her trust back? Any help at all is appreciated
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You need to man up and take responsibility for it. You also need to make sure that there is nothing that could even come close to making anyone think that you're being unfaithful.

You should also be as transparent as humanly possible to your wife. That means giving her your usernames and passwords for everything and letting her look at your phone whenever you feel like it. Make sure that you tell her that you want to be as transparent as possible for her, and ask if there is anything in specific that she wants you to do.
 

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You should also be as transparent as humanly possible to your wife. That means giving her your usernames and passwords for everything and letting her look at your phone whenever you feel like it. Make sure that you tell her that you want to be as transparent as possible for her, and ask if there is anything in specific that she wants you to do.
Absolutely agree. If you want to regain her trust, you need to be an absolute open book to her, possibly for years. No privacy from her at all. If you can't commit to that, then you probably won't be married much longer.
 

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Come back pizzaguy... you need to man up and own this.

There's people here who can help you and your marriage.

I'm not one of them. I just want to kick your butt.

But there are lot of other knowledgeable and kind people here.
 

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I am a BW and I will tell you exactly what helped.

1. Come home and log into your emails, facebook and cell phone. Sit across from on the couch and let her search to her heart's content.
2. Send a NC letter asap without being asked.
3. Apologize...and I mean I am sorry that I met xyz at the bar. You are right I was going to take it further but got busted. I love you and I chose you.
4. Keep apologizing. Then do it again.
5. Try to hold her when she cries. If she slaps you away do it again.
6. Let her see you upset.
7. Let her swing on you and damn well better take it. You deserve it.
8. Suggest MC and/or IC for both of you.
9. Offer to delete your facebook and other accounts.
10. Come home when you say you are going to.
11. Make plans but ask her to come along.

I cannot guaratee that this will work but it is a start. If you do all this and continue to contact your OW, then I will hunt you down and smack you upside your head. Realize that this is only for reconciliation only. If you want the OW than leave.
 

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I am going to go in another direction on this and I am prepared for the backlash. I want everybody to take note of something. Let's reverse this situation and assume it was the wife who had the rendezvous. What would the advice have been? You would have had the hardcore's here advise that he immediately pack up, or pack her up, and move out. But I would say that the median advice would have been for him to read the "get alpha" manuals and man up and get her attraction back. Why is there no corrollary for his wife to "woman up"? What if his wife doesn't wear make up when he gets home from work or doesn't dress sexy when they go to bed or doesn't show any attraction to him? Shouldn't these issues be at least brought up instead of immediately going in for the kill and stringing this guy up??
 

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Come back pizzaguy... you need to man up and own this.

There's people here who can help you and your marriage.

I'm not one of them. I just want to kick your butt.

But there are lot of other knowledgeable and kind people here.
:iagree:

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