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You have received lots of good advice, but it is difficult to let go. Both in 30's, never married, a bit unusual. Why are you seeing a therapist? No children?

"Hes always been open and sincere?" You sure? How did he try to show you he loved you?

He had a miserable childhood--this is a BIG clue. How was yours? Have you ever had a model of a good marriage? He seems to be immature as well as insecure and manipulative. You second-guess yourself and close your eyes and even agonize on how to smooth your path? You have gone out of your way to confess details that might excuse his paranoia, y'all's incompatibility.

Have you ever had a trusting, intimate, connection? Do you want to spend the rest of your life living the way you do currently? Big decisions.
 

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Hello!

This is going to be long, but I wanted to give you all the full story.

So I've been with BF for 10 months, living together for most of it (quarantined together when the pandemic first hit). I knew from the get that he had insecurity and trust issues, having had an abusive and rough childhood, and having a previous ex cheat on him. We're both in our 30s.

He's always been open and sincere, and does what he can to show me he loves me. Except...he has an anger problem, which he also admitted, and a short fuse. We didn't fight often, but when we did, it was volatile, and he has threatened to break up several times (including storming out for the entire night twice and not picking up his phone or answering his texts until he came back the next morning/afternoon. He only stopped because I told him if he did that again, it would be the last time).

Some other background info...
--Once, I got a random call from some guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago and blocked, and the guy got a new number to call me on. I told him not to call me again, and blocked his new number, but my BF flipped out and accused me of seeing him secretly and talking to him while we were together. I showed him my call log, all the blocked texts from him that I never responded to, obviously, AND his old blocked number.
--He's also accused me of 'sneaking around' with my motorcycle mechanic, just because he sent me a text about a movie that he mentioned while he was towing my bike (he had mentioned a motorcycle movie that sounded interesting, couldn't remember the name, and had said he would text me the name, along with some cheap motorcycle storage facilities later on. There was no further correspondence after that and I had simply said 'thank you').
--BF also somehow found a Plenty of Fish (dating site) deletion site on my phone, and I have NO IDEA why that would be there, since I never used POF. Then he accused me of being on dating sites while we've been dating, even though there was no other history of me visiting anything related to POF on my browser history. He just said I deleted all the evidence since he's seen me deleting my emails (to clean out my inbox).
Of note, I've never hid my phone from him, was never overprotective of it, and I've given it to him to use during times he forgot his phone or it wasn't working.

After all this, I felt like whenever I told him the truth, he didn't believe me anyway and would just accuse and/or yell at me. Still, I kept being honest with him, until about 3 weeks ago. He caught me in a lie, and he feels like he can no longer trust me. So, prior to meeting him, I had a few male friends who I hung out with, the majority of times in groups, which also included women and my friends' girlfriends/fiancees. I have told my BF about all my friends, but due to it being a pandemic, we haven't hung out, so BF hasn't had the chance to meet them. So maybe he forgot some of their names.

On New Year's Eve, one guy from the group messaged our group chat saying "happy new year everyone", and BF claimed he didn't recognize the name. He pulled me aside and asked who that was. He didn't believe me, so he asked to look through my phone, and I gave it to him. He saw a deleted voicemail and call from one of my old friends from that same group, we'll call him Jason, who called me during lunch at my job, I didn't pick up, and he left a voicemail saying "hey, it's been a long time, haven't heard from you. Happy new year and let's hang out again soon." Now, here's the kicker. Jason had hit on me the last time we spoke, which I messaged him just to see how he was doing, just being friendly. Irritated, I deleted his texts, his number, and the call log, but for some reason I can't remember, I didn't block his number. So he was able to call me on NYE. Unfortunately, when my BF wanted the story with Jason's VM, I lied and said that I didn't get around to adding his contact to my new phone. I should have told him the truth right away, but I thought back to previous events, didn't think he'd believe that it was a one-off anyway, and I guess I didn't want to get accused of something else and yelled at again. I know it doesn't make lying right and I regret not telling him the truth from the get-go. Now he is accusing me of having cheated on him with Jason on the days he wasn't home. We were apart for about 4 days when he went to visit his family, and every single day, I told him what I was doing, we talked on the phone, and I sent him pictures daily of what I was doing at home, and he knew I was at my mom's for 2 days. He still accused me of lying about that.

One night, while I was sleeping, he said he got a "bad feeling" and he looked through my phone and read through all my conversations, even with my family and female friends. He found some texts where I was complaining about him to one of my best friends, during one of the times where he stormed off on me and disappeared for the night, and I wasn't able to get hold of him all night. I was really upset that day and had no one else to talk to, but that was from almost a month ago and I just needed to vent to someone I knew wouldn't judge me or just tell me to leave him. Between that and my lie, we've been fighting a lot.

Yesterday, we got into another fight when he needed my help during lunch and I was supposed to meet with a female coworker (my second time having lunch with someone since I started working here 2 years ago). He got mad and then accused me of secretly meeting with and talking to other men during lunch, and started interrogating me on everything he's suspected in the past. I felt like he was trying his hardest to catch me in another lie. He keeps saying he wants to work things out and wants to give it another chance, but he'll randomly get mad at me and start another fight.

I've continued to be as open with him as possible. I am seeing a therapist, I leave my phone in his view whenever I'm home from work and until we go to bed, and my phone charges on his side of the bed every night. I go to work and come straight home most days. Even on the days where I go see my mom, I always send him pictures when I'm there, with location and time tags, and he still doesn't believe that I am where I say I am. I've asked him to come with me and even drop me off/pick me up, but he won't. I get home when I say I will and even offered to Facetime him when I get to where I am and when I leave, and share my GPS routes with him. He said I will just leave my phone in my car and go sneak off to meet other men (I'm assuming he meant my guy friends, who btw, are all blocked now, of my own accord). I do my best to be loving and understanding toward him since I did betray him. He won't see a therapist because he feels like it wouldn't help, but he did agree to work on his temper. I told him I'd continue to be consistent and transparent until he can trust me again. He continues to say I'm hiding things and deleting evidence.

What else can I do to convince him that I never cheated or lied to him otherwise? He keeps insisting he's caught me in other lies, but won't tell me what. Have any of you been in this situation, on either side? What happened and how was it handled?
Girl, you two just aren't healthy.
I see no reason for you two to be together.
From both of your angles.
Your angle....if you have been as innocent as you lead on and you aren't hanging and going off to have lunch and guy friend dates all the time and aren't hiding them then it is unhealthy to be scrutinized all the time like this by him.
From his angle, if he is with a girl he trusts so poorly and is so uncomfortable with her amount of guy friends and what she does with these guy friends then just end it and move on.

You both sound miserable. This does not sound like a good match.
 

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Hell if I had to put up with what you are going through I would have likely snapped back and replied for him to draw his conclusion and that I'm tired of proving myself to him when I have done nothing wrong.

My partner and I have had a few scenarios where our trust has been challenged, for instance a cross-talk happened and she could hear a woman's voice on the phone while I was driving home alone (it's a real thing). She pretty much didn't believe me when I told her there's no one, but I stood my ground not just in what I know to be true but where I draw the line when it comes to her accusations. I also told her she's being very stupid because if I was cheating she's not going to get any evidence by accusing without evidence and told her to get evidence first while acting as if nothing is wrong so the cheater would lower their guard.

So pretty much, I called her stupid as well as told her to STFU (nicely). Combined with complete transparency it somehow worked 🤷‍♂️
 

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There is nothing you can do to make him stop this or for him to trust you. Because it isn't about you and your trustworthiness or lack thereof. Before you lied, this was still a problem. If you hadn't lied, he would just make something up for him to attack you for. Because what you are and aren't doing is not the real cause of this. You could do everything perfectly with complete transparency and he still wouldn't trust you. Because he isn't capable of trust. Even if you were locked in a room with no outside contact and he had cameras on you day and night he would still find a way to believe you are cheating. And the more you bend over backwards, the more he'll push for you to go nowhere and have no good relationships left with those around you. There is no satisfying him. You can try, but it will only end up hurting you and it will never be enough for him. This man is not capable of a healthy relationship, and he's just going to be more controlling and isolating as time goes on without it ever really easing his mind. You need to leave, and you need to be careful about it because this kind of situation can easily devolve into extreme control or violence. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. You can't change the way he is behaving toward you, you can only remove yourself from the situation.

Also, when someone acts like this they are often the ones cheating and are projecting their own guilt or untrustworthiness onto you. Since they are cheating, they assume that you are too. They want to keep you so busy defending yourself that there isn't any leftover energy to notice how shady they are being. And the anger and guilt they are feeling is pushed onto you, and when he lashes out at you it isn't because of your actions, it's because of his. And since his actions are the basis for all this, changing your actions isn't going to fix it, because they aren't the source of his behavior.
 

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I'll be a wrench in the gearwork here when I say that a man being jealous of other men's intentions towards his wife or GF is not a bad thing in and of itself. It is a man's instinct to protect his woman and the relationship from interlopers. I myself am a jealous guy. I admit it, I don't apologize for it, and it is not a part of my personality I am going to change. But I don't get abusive about it. I simply set my limits of what I will put of with and if she crosses those boundaries I wish her well and I move on. If a woman I am dating doesn't like that creed, then she doesn't have to continue dating me. If my partner pushes my boundaries and tries to test the limits of my jealousy, then I will part ways with her.

Having said that, your boyfriend sounds overly paranoid, and something about his obsessiveness is suspicious. I'll bet if you did some sleuthing of your own you'd probably find out he is either actively two-timing you or has done so in the past. Be that as it may, his abusive behavior is the primary reason you should dump him. He's only giving you a mere taste of what he would be like if you actually married him.
 

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You're dating. Leave him. The problems will only exacerbate in marriage. This is too much for a person to handle. I would say he does need therapy. Maybe the pandemic was a blessing for you; helped you see what marriage to him WOULD be like.
 

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As a man who dated a lot before marriage, I never understood the jealousy thing. . . why get involved with someone like that? And for jealous guys: why all the jealousy--isn't this just a harmful thing to you? why date a woman if all that pain is what you get?
 

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Why? Because some people hide that negative side of their in personality until they have their class in you?

Someone with self-esteem issues would perhaps like it when their SO is jealous, as it shows he/she cares about them enough to ward others off.

Then it gets nasty.
 

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As a man who dated a lot before marriage, I never understood the jealousy thing. . . why get involved with someone like that? And for jealous guys: why all the jealousy--isn't this just a harmful thing to you? why date a woman if all that pain is what you get?
Someone has been drinking the cool-aide. If jealousy were a bad thing, why would God or nature instill it in us?
 

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Someone has been drinking the cool-aide. If jealousy were a bad thing, why would God or nature instill it in us?
This is a vast misunderstanding of God.

Man has concupiscence. Look up the term.

Mankind also has the dangerous gift of free will.

Seriously I hope you don't believe that Christians and other religious think that ANYTHING in human life is right since we're one of God's creations.
 

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Please please please get out of this relationship. I volunteer in a battered women's shelter and I can't tell you how many times I've heard women talk about relationships that started out much like you are describing and escalate to physical violence and even attempted murder. This guy is extremely controlling. He is trying to convince you that nothing you do is ever right and that you shouldn't pay attention to anyone but him. He wants to separate you from your support groups and he'll gaslight you into thinking it's all your fault not his. Trust me you need to lose this guy and the sooner the better before you end up like the women I see all the time during my volunteer work.
 

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Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s responded! I haven’t followed up in awhile but I posted an update in the original post.

I am so glad you got out. Please stop communicating with this dangerous man though. Change your number if you have to. Protect yourself and never go back.

Are you in counseling? You just exited an extremely abusive relationship and you do need to figure out some things about how to heal and why you stayed as long as you did.

I am glad you are on your way to a new life. 🙂
 
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