I left... :(

So, after my husband's nonstop cheating, I left the house. I now live with my parents and little brother. It took me a while to get to this point. We have been married 5 years, together 4 years, no kids.. Over the years, he's flirted with other women when he's unhappy over the phone, through text/dating apps. I would get the usual I'm sorry, it won't happen again. This past year, he started physically cheating with a list of women. I was STD tested two times. He thought he got one of them pregnant; she's not pregnant. So, with therapy by my side, I finally built up, okay.. even though we just got this house together, I'm ready to go. I left the house and moved in with my parents a few days ago. It sucks because everything is filthy at my parents'. Although I love my family, everything stinks. I have 2 candles and a wax warmer going at all times in the room I'm sleeping in, in hopes that my things won't start to smell. No matter how much I scrub the bathroom, I simply don't feel clean there. The roof is leaking, and my step dad is working around the house now that I'm there. My mom is angry because he's now doing things around the house to try to make me feel comfortable, things she's been begging him to do for years. It is so gross there that I shower at a gas station before work. I pay $15 per day to shower at the truck stop/gas station. I feel clean when I leave from there. They don't pick up anything. Their idea of clean is not clean. I miss the house where I lived because I was comfortable there. I can't stay there though because my husband was beginning to take off from work just so he could fuss at me about how he knows I'm leaving and would not let me rest until I answered any questions he had. My therapist straight up told me it's not going to work between us because he blames me for everything; he blames me for the infidelity. Anything he does wrong, it's my fault. He says come home and he says he's already started changing. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I don't.

We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.

I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.