Hugs!
I left... :(
So, after my husband's nonstop cheating, I left the house. I now live with my parents and little brother. It took me a while to get to this point. We have been married 5 years, together 4 years, no kids.. Over the years, he's flirted with other women when he's unhappy over the phone, through text/dating apps. I would get the usual I'm sorry, it won't happen again. This past year, he started physically cheating with a list of women. I was STD tested two times. He thought he got one of them pregnant; she's not pregnant. So, with therapy by my side, I finally built up, okay.. even though we just got this house together, I'm ready to go. I left the house and moved in with my parents a few days ago. It sucks because everything is filthy at my parents'. Although I love my family, everything stinks. I have 2 candles and a wax warmer going at all times in the room I'm sleeping in, in hopes that my things won't start to smell. No matter how much I scrub the bathroom, I simply don't feel clean there. The roof is leaking, and my step dad is working around the house now that I'm there. My mom is angry because he's now doing things around the house to try to make me feel comfortable, things she's been begging him to do for years. It is so gross there that I shower at a gas station before work. I pay $15 per day to shower at the truck stop/gas station. I feel clean when I leave from there. They don't pick up anything. Their idea of clean is not clean. I miss the house where I lived because I was comfortable there. I can't stay there though because my husband was beginning to take off from work just so he could fuss at me about how he knows I'm leaving and would not let me rest until I answered any questions he had. My therapist straight up told me it's not going to work between us because he blames me for everything; he blames me for the infidelity. Anything he does wrong, it's my fault. He says come home and he says he's already started changing. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I don't.
We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.
I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.
We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.
I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.
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Block his mum's number except to tell her all the messy stuff he has done.I wasn't trying to get money from the house initially. I was just going to let him take it. My lawyer suggested that he give me back all of the money I put into the house because of his infidelities. She said she was going to try to get me back what ever she could. At this point, I am kind of tired of it all. I just want to be done with the situation, and his mom texted me to tell me I am deranged. I told my therapist. She said I'm not.
You definitely aren't deranged, you're someone who is protecting herself from a cheater and a toxic person. As to his mother texting you garbage like that, just block her. She has zero business in getting involved in your business (but of course she'll try anyways), and honestly, she just wants to make you feel bad. Don't let her get to you, and just block her. I ended up having to do that with both my former MIL and SIL too.I wasn't trying to get money from the house initially. I was just going to let him take it. My lawyer suggested that he give me back all of the money I put into the house because of his infidelities. She said she was going to try to get me back what ever she could. At this point, I am kind of tired of it all. I just want to be done with the situation, and his mom texted me to tell me I am deranged. I told my therapist. She said I'm not.
As for money from the house, I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work that way, but I would go by the advice of your lawyer, as they are the expert. Definitely don't just let him take the house though, and leave you with nothing, that's just not right. I get that you're tired of it all, but be warned that divorces often don't just happen, it takes time to get things settled, signed and gone through the courts. Where I live, if there's infidelity, they go much faster, so maybe look into that for where you live too.
I agree. Tell her you can't stay with a man who is having sex with other women, then block her.
OP, I say this with love.
Stop being a freaking doormat and buying into his ********. This is what cheaters and abusers do....they shift tactics to see if they can find one that works.
This marriage worked for him. He gets the house, your money, whatever services you provide, plus he gets to **** whoever he wants while you sit home and take it.
Stop talking to him and use your lawyer. Serve him and demand every last ****ing thing you're entitled to...you can always settle later. Of course he wants to settle out of court.....easier to ******** you.
Started playing hardball with this scumbag. Watch how his attitude changes when you tell him to **** off and you'll see him in court.
Many of us have been there.
Stop being a freaking doormat and buying into his ********. This is what cheaters and abusers do....they shift tactics to see if they can find one that works.
This marriage worked for him. He gets the house, your money, whatever services you provide, plus he gets to **** whoever he wants while you sit home and take it.
Stop talking to him and use your lawyer. Serve him and demand every last ****ing thing you're entitled to...you can always settle later. Of course he wants to settle out of court.....easier to ******** you.
Started playing hardball with this scumbag. Watch how his attitude changes when you tell him to **** off and you'll see him in court.
Many of us have been there.
Today's been a day of reflection for me. I've been thinking all day, "How could I have stayed so long even though he was treating me so badly?". I think back to how he belittled me, made me feel like I was always number 2 to someone else.. I mean the list goes on and on. I am young and beautiful and I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I'm starting to feel like my old self with each passing day, the bubbliness that I had before his twisted ways anyway. He does not care about me. I was nobody to him and only somebody when it benefitted him. I am taking him to court. I stopped responding to him and muted his notifications. If he says anything crazy via text, that will be more proof I can give my lawyer. I am not thinking about dating any time soon because I am in a relationship with myself and it feels good. I am going to take time to love myself and work on my list to get myself out of this hole. Step 1 was to leave the house. Done. Step 2 is to get the car refinanced. I'm not waiting until my credit is effected. I put in an application at my bank today. They'll call me in a few days. Step 3 is to get a place in the city where I work. I want to come back and keep writing this chapter of my life. My life isn't over. It is really really sad what being with a narcissist will do to you. I have been fortunate to have support in person, in therapy, and online where people are constantly telling me how stupid it is to stay with him, and I thank God for it, because I can see it now. It took so long. The effects of being with him really did a number on me, and I still have healing to do.
That's a great plan. The healing will come in its own time, but making a plan is something you can do now.
As far as dating, don't worry about it. If you happen to meet someone you like you can think about it.
As far as dating, don't worry about it. If you happen to meet someone you like you can think about it.
Now that you are out from under the abuse, your head is starting to clear and your are realizing what was happening. The reason that people stay in similar situations is because the abuser convinces you that it's you who has the problem. This is emotional and verbal abuse. It is highly effective with empathetic people.Today's been a day of reflection for me. I've been thinking all day, "How could I have stayed so long even though he was treating me so badly?". I think back to how he belittled me, made me feel like I was always number 2 to someone else.. I mean the list goes on and on. I am young and beautiful and I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I'm starting to feel like my old self with each passing day, the bubbliness that I had before his twisted ways anyway. He does not care about me. I was nobody to him and only somebody when it benefitted him. I am taking him to court. I stopped responding to him and muted his notifications. If he says anything crazy via text, that will be more proof I can give my lawyer. I am not thinking about dating any time soon because I am in a relationship with myself and it feels good. I am going to take time to love myself and work on my list to get myself out of this hole. Step 1 was to leave the house. Done. Step 2 is to get the car refinanced. I'm not waiting until my credit is effected. I put in an application at my bank today. They'll call me in a few days. Step 3 is to get a place in the city where I work. I want to come back and keep writing this chapter of my life. My life isn't over. It is really really sad what being with a narcissist will do to you. I have been fortunate to have support in person, in therapy, and online where people are constantly telling me how stupid it is to stay with him, and I thank God for it, because I can see it now. It took so long. The effects of being with him really did a number on me, and I still have healing to do.
Something I've been thinking about that I found interesting was that he told me when I left that he cried when I left. He was like I didn't even cry when my ex left me (He'd been telling me for years that he left her not the other way around - another freakin lie). He said that me leaving helped him to find a way to feel again. I can't wrap my head around that. Then again, it kinda makes sense because based on the articles I've been reading, narcissists don't feel bad for the people they hurt. So, he was probably surprised to feel anything at all maybe?
Feeling sorry for himself.Something I've been thinking about that I found interesting was that he told me when I left that he cried when I left. He was like I didn't even cry when my ex left me (He'd been telling me for years that he left her not the other way around - another freakin lie). He said that me leaving helped him to find a way to feel again. I can't wrap my head around that. Then again, it kinda makes sense because based on the articles I've been reading, narcissists don't feel bad for the people they hurt. So, he was probably surprised to feel anything at all maybe?
Something happened with a friend of mine and he showed no emotions. He was always a fearful anxious detached type who isolated himself and when she had to leave, he had every opportunity to share custody but he abandoned his daughter. She was a emotional wreck the whole time. She had to talk to him some and he just showed no emotion or just acted like nothing was going on, and this was after she had moved out.
Then he didn't show any emotion until the divorce was over and he had to uproot himself and move and then he cried like a toddler. I'm pretty sure if he just hadn't had to make any changes, which he greatly feared, he never would have registered an emotion. Of course he was also going to have to go back to work. He moved clear across the United States and in with his brother.
Of course all that did was kind of con her into feeling like he felt more than he did and make her hang on to the early days of their relationship, when she was convinced he was a nicer person.
Don't spend too much time analyzing him or his reactions. You left. He isn't your problem anymore, except when you have to deal with him to get your stuff, etc. It's good to read about the tactics that people use so you don't get sucked into that again. There are people who go from one narcissist to another, because they don't understand how they got sucked in or what tactics are used against them. Those are the things to study up on and understand, ways to protect yourself from this happening again.Something I've been thinking about that I found interesting was that he told me when I left that he cried when I left. He was like I didn't even cry when my ex left me (He'd been telling me for years that he left her not the other way around - another freakin lie). He said that me leaving helped him to find a way to feel again. I can't wrap my head around that. Then again, it kinda makes sense because based on the articles I've been reading, narcissists don't feel bad for the people they hurt. So, he was probably surprised to feel anything at all maybe?
I am reading a book called,
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, by Shahida Arabi. There's a lot of stuff in this book that I don't agree with, especially anything to do with revenge, but it is packed with information to help you identify how abusers operate and how to avoid them in the future. That is what you need. What you don't need is to focus on the person you are trying to get away from. That continues to allow him into your head, when you need to get him out of your head and out of your life asap.
Assume that anything he says is twisted in some way to manipulate you. That is another reason to never speak to him. He is not sincere or honest. It's all about him. Make your life about you and being a good, healthy relationship partner by learning good boundaries and how to love others without dysfunction.
Narcissists don’t care. They live to manipulate. I wouldn’t put much faith in the “crying” story. If he actually did, he was probably feeling sorry for himself that you stopped being a doormat. Now he’s going to have to find someone else who will put up with him and he knows that’s not easy.
every abuser needs a victim.Something I've been thinking about that I found interesting was that he told me when I left that he cried when I left. He was like I didn't even cry when my ex left me (He'd been telling me for years that he left her not the other way around - another freakin lie). He said that me leaving helped him to find a way to feel again. I can't wrap my head around that. Then again, it kinda makes sense because based on the articles I've been reading, narcissists don't feel bad for the people they hurt. So, he was probably surprised to feel anything at all maybe?
Read that again. Be glad it’s no longer you!
The goal is to eventually just stop caring what he thinks or what he thinks about you or what he's doing or if he is having emotions. Otherwise, you're still just the victim. Get to where it's not your concern anymore as soon as you can.
@calmocean, have you checked Zillow to see if your house has increased, stayed the same, or decreased in value? Do you know if your husband will qualify for a mortgage on his own?
It shows that it is higher. We bought it at 144k. It says 149k - 166k on zillow. He won't be able to refinance in time unless he gets someone else to sign with him.@calmocean, have you checked Zillow to see if your house has increased, stayed the same, or decreased in value? Do you know if your husband will qualify for a mortgage on his own?
Those numbers are encouraging.It shows that it is higher. We bought it at 144k. It says 149k - 166k on zillow. He won't be able to refinance in time unless he gets someone else to sign with him.
What do you mean "he won't be able to refinance in time"? Time for what?
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In time for him to keep the house. I imagine he would have anywhere from 3-6 months to refinanceThose numbers are encouraging.
What do you mean "he won't be able to refinance in time"? Time for what?
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My ex cried crocodile tears too.
But he never cared about what bothered me....he didn't want his own life turned over.
I hear his snotty daughter who never included me in anything cried too, but I suspect that's because she realized she was going to have to deal with him with me gone.
Tears don't necessarily have anything to do with giving a rat's behind about you.
But he never cared about what bothered me....he didn't want his own life turned over.
I hear his snotty daughter who never included me in anything cried too, but I suspect that's because she realized she was going to have to deal with him with me gone.
Tears don't necessarily have anything to do with giving a rat's behind about you.
I had a coworker show me a video of him just now with another woman. The video was from Monday. I am literally shaking. I called him and told him he's a clown and an embarrassment and to not contact me anymore.
I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve this treatment. I am so embarrassed. People are actively seeing him with other women and have been for weeks apparently. What a clown. I'm so angry.
I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve this treatment. I am so embarrassed. People are actively seeing him with other women and have been for weeks apparently. What a clown. I'm so angry.
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