I'm sure we are all pulling for you. Enjoy your new life , without a cheater !
I left... :(
So, after my husband's nonstop cheating, I left the house. I now live with my parents and little brother. It took me a while to get to this point. We have been married 5 years, together 4 years, no kids.. Over the years, he's flirted with other women when he's unhappy over the phone, through text/dating apps. I would get the usual I'm sorry, it won't happen again. This past year, he started physically cheating with a list of women. I was STD tested two times. He thought he got one of them pregnant; she's not pregnant. So, with therapy by my side, I finally built up, okay.. even though we just got this house together, I'm ready to go. I left the house and moved in with my parents a few days ago. It sucks because everything is filthy at my parents'. Although I love my family, everything stinks. I have 2 candles and a wax warmer going at all times in the room I'm sleeping in, in hopes that my things won't start to smell. No matter how much I scrub the bathroom, I simply don't feel clean there. The roof is leaking, and my step dad is working around the house now that I'm there. My mom is angry because he's now doing things around the house to try to make me feel comfortable, things she's been begging him to do for years. It is so gross there that I shower at a gas station before work. I pay $15 per day to shower at the truck stop/gas station. I feel clean when I leave from there. They don't pick up anything. Their idea of clean is not clean. I miss the house where I lived because I was comfortable there. I can't stay there though because my husband was beginning to take off from work just so he could fuss at me about how he knows I'm leaving and would not let me rest until I answered any questions he had. My therapist straight up told me it's not going to work between us because he blames me for everything; he blames me for the infidelity. Anything he does wrong, it's my fault. He says come home and he says he's already started changing. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I don't.
We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.
I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.
We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.
I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.
1 - 20 of 81 Posts
thank youI'm sure we are all pulling for you. Enjoy your new life , without a cheater !
That was a HUGE step to take!! We are all so proud of you! 🙏So, after my husband's nonstop cheating, I left the house. I now live with my parents and little brother. It took me a while to get to this point. We have been married 5 years, together 4 years, no kids.. Over the years, he's flirted with other women when he's unhappy over the phone, through text/dating apps. I would get the usual I'm sorry, it won't happen again. This past year, he started physically cheating with a list of women. I was STD tested two times. He thought he got one of them pregnant; she's not pregnant. So, with therapy by my side, I finally built up, okay.. even though we just got this house together, I'm ready to go. I left the house and moved in with my parents a few days ago. It sucks because everything is filthy at my parents'. Although I love my family, everything stinks. I have 2 candles and a wax warmer going at all times in the room I'm sleeping in, in hopes that my things won't start to smell. No matter how much I scrub the bathroom, I simply don't feel clean there. The roof is leaking, and my step dad is working around the house now that I'm there. My mom is angry because he's now doing things around the house to try to make me feel comfortable, things she's been begging him to do for years. It is so gross there that I shower at a gas station before work. I pay $15 per day to shower at the truck stop/gas station. I feel clean when I leave from there. They don't pick up anything. Their idea of clean is not clean. I miss the house where I lived because I was comfortable there. I can't stay there though because my husband was beginning to take off from work just so he could fuss at me about how he knows I'm leaving and would not let me rest until I answered any questions he had. My therapist straight up told me it's not going to work between us because he blames me for everything; he blames me for the infidelity. Anything he does wrong, it's my fault. He says come home and he says he's already started changing. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I don't.
We tried couples therapy, and he and the therapist kept getting into it. He kept taking what she was saying personally and getting offended. She wasn't out to get us; she was trying to help us. I told him that it would be nice if he would go for one on one therapy to heal from what he's gone through in the past. I am in one on one therapy now, but I can't force him to make the appointment. My therapist told me it's best to not force him to do one on one. He has to make that step on his own.
I walked in a grocery store yesterday and felt free for the first time to choose what ever toothpaste I wanted. My therapist said that it will be the little things, the fact that I'm able to find myself. I am also a person who has always jumped from one relationship to the next. It would be ideal if my husband would change and just treat me right. Then, we could have our happily ever after together, and we won't have to go through the divorce. I have a lawyer, but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together? Sometimes I doubt my decisions. Sometimes, I am happy I chose to leave. Sometimes, it feels like someone else is speaking for me and I wonder if I can trust myself to make these decisions. I'm a big question mark right now. I pray that I get this promotion I applied for at work so that I can have the money to move back to the city where I work and be under a roof that is clean.
He's. Not. Going. To. Change.
Repeat as needed.
Go back and he'll become even more controlling.
Stay gone.
Repeat as needed.
Go back and he'll become even more controlling.
Stay gone.
thank youThat was a HUGE step to take!! We are all so proud of you! 🙏
i doubt myself and my decisions a lot but i just have to get through one more hurdle i think, getting my own place againthank you. i'm writing this in my journal.He's. Not. Going. To. Change.
Repeat as needed.
Go back and he'll become even more controlling.
Stay gone.
You definitely will... keep the focus. Reading your post reminded me somewhat of what I went through. You're doing great!thank you
Don't let your desire for comfort tempt you to return to his cheating ways. You now have a fresh road ahead of you, and you can start to save up for a place of your own. Maybe find a roommate or room to rent somewhere clean if you have to. One thing is clear: he is not going to change and you need to move on from such an unhealthy relationship.
He probably won't. Don't hold your breath. Don't put your life on hold.but if he does change, how would I know if we don't live together?
And if he did change, he would contact you to apologize.
Anything he does wrong, it's my fault.
We should go to court right instead of try to agree with my lawyer present? He is acting difficult and doesn't believe that I should be given my payments back that I put into the house. He said he gave me many gifts in the relationship and I told him that's not how that works. He said he may want to sell the house and doesn't want to give me more than what mortgage payments I've put into it. That's not fair is it? I mean, should I just agree to that?
Go to court with your lawyer. Nobody cares what he thinks...he can think he's the King of England but it means nothing.
**** him and his horse. Go and get what is yours.
**** him and his horse. Go and get what is yours.
Do you currently have an attorney, because s/he will explain this to you. If you have an attorney, there is no reason for you to speak to your husband anymore. It is better to have your attorney take care of the filing, which will include the equitable financial split. Do not sign off your interest in the house if you are still on the loan. Your stbx will have to refinance the house in his name only, then and only then, your name will come off the house.We should go to court right instead of try to agree with my lawyer present? He is acting difficult and doesn't believe that I should be given my payments back that I put into the house. He said he gave me many gifts in the relationship and I told him that's not how that works. He said he may want to sell the house and doesn't want to give me more than what mortgage payments I've put into it. That's not fair is it? I mean, should I just agree to that?
You are paying $450 a month to shower at a truck stop? Are you also paying rent at your family's home?
It sounds like the family dynamic in your current residence isn't healthy either.
Yes, my lawyer said that if he will agree to sign, then I should come in on the 24th. So, I tried to call him and he likes the idea of not going to court with all of this. However... he wouldn't agree to anything. I told him he'd be getting off easy if he just gave me back the payments from the house and took over the loan payments so I could get my life started. He's telling me oh you lived in that house. You don't get rent back. I said that's the thing.. it's not rent. So, I called my lawyer back and told her it may be best to just serve him. He was like oh I thought we were better than this. I thought you were trying to work it out with me. He said court, I'm not scared of court. I hung up on him. I can't reason with him.Do you currently have an attorney, because s/he will explain this to you. If you have an attorney, there is no reason for you to speak to your husband anymore. It is better to have your attorney take care of the filing, which will include the equitable financial split. Do not sign off your interest in the house if you are still on the loan. Your stbx will have to refinance the house in his name only, then and only then, your name will come off the house.
You are paying $450 a month to shower at a truck stop? Are you also paying rent at your family's home?
It sounds like the family dynamic in your current residence isn't healthy either.
no, my parents aren't charging me but yea. i am spending a lot to shower. so, it only makes sense to leave. the stench at the house is awful once i step out of the room im sleeping in.You are paying $450 a month to shower at a truck stop? Are you also paying rent at your family's home?
That is also not how this works if your name is on the title or the mortgage. If you are on the loan then he will have to either sell or refinance in his name only to buy you out of your share and to have your name removed from the loan. Otherwise, your name would remain on the loan and you'd be legally responsible for the payments.I told him he'd be getting off easy if he just gave me back the payments from the house and took over the loan payments so I could get my life started.
You're living in filth and spending $450 a month to shower. Check into local "roommate wanted" situations. Moving into someone's place as a roommate would allow you cleanliness and might be the same or a just a bit more than you're paying now. You could shower where you live as well as cook, etc. without fear of filth and contamination.no, my parents aren't charging me but yea. i am spending a lot to shower. so, it only makes sense to leave. the stench at the house is awful once i step out of the room im sleeping in.
You won't get your payments back. That's not how it works. It's about splitting assets 50/50. Is your house worth more than when you bought it? You are entitled to equity. So if you paid $100 for your house and it's now worth $102, you would get $1. If the house is worth less, then you don't have to pay your husband the difference unless he wants to sell it, then you would be on the hook for the difference. You also don't have you husband take over the payments, because you would still be on the mortgage. You can't take your name off the mortgage loan. Your husband has to refinance the loan. He might have trouble doing that and be forced to sell. If that happens, it could be a problem if the house value has decreased. Housing values are decreasing in some areas of the country. This can become very complicated. If you want more explanation about payments, I can do that, but it bascially comes down to the payments that you made mean nothing in a split.Yes, my lawyer said that if he will agree to sign, then I should come in on the 24th. So, I tried to call him and he likes the idea of not going to court with all of this. However... he wouldn't agree to anything. I told him he'd be getting off easy if he just gave me back the payments from the house and took over the loan payments so I could get my life started. He's telling me oh you lived in that house. You don't get rent back. I said that's the thing.. it's not rent. So, I called my lawyer back and told her it may be best to just serve him. He was like oh I thought we were better than this. I thought you were trying to work it out with me. He said court, I'm not scared of court. I hung up on him. I can't reason with him.
Hasn't your attorney explained any of this to you?
No, this is my first time getting an update from someone who works in the office in weeks. So, it's best to just give up the payments and say okay you can have the house just get my name off of it pretty much? Just have him get it refinanced?Hasn't your attorney explained any of this to you?
He needs to refinance; he wants to keep the house. Do you think it's worth sitting down with my lawyer with him and trying to do it uncontested, I think that's what it's called when you don't have to go to court?That is also not how this works if your name is on the title or the mortgage. If you are on the loan then he will have to either sell or refinance in his name only to buy you out of your share and to have your name removed from the loan. Otherwise, your name would remain on the loan and you'd be legally responsible for the payments.
So, I'm pretty much answering my own questions. I'm a mess. Lol I just spoke with him and the more that we talk about a divorce, the more he's like why are you trying to rush the divorce? He's like I thought you wanted to work on us. I mean? If he wanted to change and he does love me he would not have cheated all those times and watched me cry week after week in therapy while he went out with other women after.
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