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I'll try to be concise:

I am 25, my fiance is 21. We have been together for about three years. We have a 15 month old daughter. We love each other very much, we have great communication, unquestionable trust, great families. I work full time and attend school online in pursuit of my Master's degree. She works part time (20-24hr/wk) and attends nursing school part time. Our time is stretched, but we find as much time as possible to be together. We are best friends. However, the romance (and yes, the sex) have fizzled out entirely.

We had a very healthy sex life prior to pregnancy. During pregnancy, of course, things got more complicated. Sex was awkward and much less frequent, but we were still very affectionate and romantic with each other. After our daughter's birth, the romantic aspect of our relationship took an abrupt turn for the worse. Having a baby affected her physically and made some things that had been pleasurable before now uncomfortable and in some cases painful. Her body image became very negative (although she is astonishingly beautiful, is in better shape than even before she got pregnant, etc.). When we have tried to have sex, she often feels that she has to go to the bathroom and that interrupts us. Sometimes she becomes very sensitive and needs to stop before either of us is 'done.' I am very patient, reassuring, understanding, and nonjudgmental about all of these factors. However, she is very self conscious and gets embarassed and ashamed when things don't go as planned. In my completely unqualified opinion this caused her withdraw from being affectionate toward me to avoid getting into a sexual situation that she felt would inevietably lead to these embarassing and uncomfortable situations. My best strategy (I thought) was to not initiate sex so she would not feel pressured and to let her come to me when she felt confident. I continued to be physically and verbally affectionate in other ways. My patience was apparently interpreted as complacency, which resulted in us going several weeks (almost 2 1/2 months once) without being physically intimate. Now, a little over a year after our daughter was born, she feels like there is no romantic connection between us. She still finds me attractive, but has no drive to be physically intimate. Her libido is completely gone. She says that we are best friends and that she still loves me with all of her heart. I feel the same way, and I believe her unquestioningly.

The problem is: How do we get back on the horse, romantically?

Finding time together doesn't seem to be a problem. We have family that are always anxious to babysit. It almost seems like my fiance is so scared that something won't be perfect that she won't try. We communicate very openly, but we just don't know what to do next. Anyone have some ideas about where to get started? Thank you all for your time and consideration. If any other information would help, just ask. I've got no secrets.
 

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Well I have a few from pesonal experience.

First since you communicate so well let her know you are concerned and want her to see an OBGYN. This will help with any physical problems because they need to be identified.

Second have a talk with her and let her know that you love her and do not want to pressure her.

What is the pain from sex? Dryness, etc?

Having the family watch your daughter so you can still "date her" is important.

draconis

More later.....
 

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Hey Laotzi,

What you are going through is not the exception but rather the norm. Like with any parents with young children the last thing on your mind is having an intimate relationship with your partner after battling with the child all day and night. You both seem to be busy with your own pursuits so the challenge is even greater.

The good news is that you are both able to communicate so if you can "plan" for a romantic getaway, be it a weekend in a hotel or just a nice dinner, then do it. You mentioned you can have access to baby sitters, right?

I think, therefore, this what you may have to consider.

Try crawling before walking and when you can walk then run.

In other words start with the basics like holding her hand, hugging, kissing and even a relaxing massage. You will probably need to rekindle that lost love by enjoying these simple things.

After you build some "excitement" in the basics then work on some other physical intimacy without intercourse. I wouldn't go all the way so to speak until she's comfortable.

Just playing around like high school kids could spark some inner desires later and it's the timing that's going to be crucial before you can completely get back in the saddle.

Remember, she's the one in pain so you'll have to be the patient one. You said you were so there should be no problem.

The relationship sounds healthy so it's just a matter of time . . . please be patient.

Cheers
 
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