[ppl]

married for 25 years, initial start very rocky dating wife went to england to visit family for a month. came back found out in relationship there and before going there planning to get back with old boyfriend on her return but never told me. that ended up not working and she went out of town and was living with someone else she found. called me up just prior to my finishing medical school and wanted to get back together. i still loved her and said yes. i told her of my insecurity given history and she said i would just have to deal with it to be with her. ultimately we married when i finished school. have had three children. thought we had the ultimate marriage. before kids she was a meeting planner and in hawaii for a week. called her no answer, called her early hawaii time no answer, concerned because of her being depressed or fatigued the day before. called hotel staff to check on her to be sure ok and they reported i could call her now she had just gotten back. she said she was on the beach all night. nothing happened. i still loved her, didnt believe her but went on and just dealt with it. after 24 yrs, something has changed. no calls from her while i am at work (she has been stay at home mom since first born 21 yrs ago). dont go out all invitations to do so refused, too tired etc. we do spend time at home together but any outside activities with kids. she announced she was going to england to visit last year. asked if i could go too she said no she wanted to be alone with family. she then extended trip to go with girl friend to rome for a week. she also took son. it was pretty clear to me it was me she didnt want to be with. I even said invite me you know i cant leave practice and wont be able to go--still couldnt. when i expressed my concern she said she wasnt planning on being unfaithful but anything could happen. shocked to hear that but she did repeat it. the next day i said that while she was gone i guess the same applied to me and she was ok with that. while in europe she called every night, looking at phone record longest call 2 minutes. never once said i love you. toward end of trip i asked if she did but was met with irritated response and shewas unable to say it. discussed going to councelling on her return, i did research found names and numbers but she never called. yes, i could have made the appointments but what is the point if she makes no effort. feeling taken for granted. there is no censor on her mouth to stop hurtful statements, no effort to improve relationship. sex fell off and she got into romance novels. i even suggested that we go away for a few days on 25 aniv to paris but she said we can go away together years from now when kids are out of house. Now new trip to kids sports camp as chaparone over spring break. called twice a day texted every day short messages about what was happening. on her return almost immediately stated she was embarrassed by how many call and texts she got. other wives said they didnt communicate with husbands for days. i asked how they knew it was husband? no answer. i expressed how i was feeling, totally takedn for granted. i had been reading about the signs of infidelity and impending infidelity. she has been going to gym since trip to england, new underware which i havent seen her wear, irritablity to talk to me, deleted internet history. i told her about this and the fact that she deleted history. she said she was looking at porn on the internet by going to craigslist underpersonals and looking at pictures posted there. i am further upset that she is on personals--she claimed didnt know where else to find it. she must be the only person computer savy who uses search engines everyday to not be able to find porn. I know she also lied about duration of this since i have found naked men pictures before that she blamed on our daughter but when confronted now admits were hers. typing this out, i cannot even believe i am questioning my judgement now but am only interested in separation. she is totally unprepared to live separate and despite large net wealth, we need to sell home which could take a year. i told her we could live in platonic relationship for 1 year. i will not call or question anything. she is free to see anyone else but be discrete. She says i am crazy and have no right to question or look at what she does on internet. wants to get counseling now but i am not interested. guess i have reached my breaking point. i am not blaming her. you cannot demand somebody love you the way you want. even if things change was it from real change or just afraid of the real world or life without safety net. i see no moves on her part to seek job etc. i suspect just like in past she thinks it will all blow over. i think she just pushed one time too hard and everything is breakable.

 

[OneMarriedGuy]

Not exactly sure if you are looking for opinions here or just wanted to type out what was in your head.

You say you don't want to go to counseling to try to work things out...so I don't really see another option for you.

Not that I know your whole situation but I'd guess you really don't know either. What I'm trying to say here is that if I typed everything out about what my current wife has done and is doing now - I'd get lots of sympathy and "She's in the wrong" statements. OTOH if she did the same ... I'd bet she'd get sympathy and "He's wrong for having done that" and you know what? They'd all be correct.

We have both done things to hurt the other and not met each other's needs. We have both done things that were out of spite or simply as a reaction to the others behaviors toward us. We both looked at how we were hurting/in need but really didn't see too much where we were causing hurt ... or maybe didn't care so much since we were hurting.

So YES, I think she is doing and has done very wrong by you. But me, I'm a romantic and believe that so much of the time there really is hope. So no, I don't think you should stay with her if the two of you are not going to seek professional help. On the other hand, I think professional help would help both of you! Even if this relationship cannot survive, it will help the both of you learn how to help the next relationship survive - and even help your relationship with your child.

Best Wishes

 

[LVS]

25 years is long time they said after five years of marriage the couple i mean who are in love start facing problems in your case so many unsolved problems bottled up what brought you to this point
The fact that you posted your story here is because you need to feel you are thinking the right way
The deal is you might be right to give up after all what you went through but i agree with OneMarriedGuy whether you want to leave marriage or not counseling is very helpful to help at least in your future relationships
Good Luck

 

[ppl]

all good points. not looking for sympathy, maybe someone to tell me i am crazy. i still love her but am convinced not the same in reverse. funny she is upset with me for checking out the computer and finding things, not for what she has done. i have always believed that if you dont expect things of people they will not disappoint. never applied to my wife. i have offered to go to therapy with her but this time she will need to arrange. i doubt she will do that, never acts on anything. the odds of our marriage surviving were quite small from the outset in retrospect. she from a single mom who abandoned her going back to england when she was a teenager. left her with alcoholic step dad. i always said i could forget the original betrayals becuase we didnt have a long history but cant forget that now. i admit i am scarred from that. would not ever respect myself now for doing that and the more i have tried over the past 6 months, she seems to have lost eden more respect for me. funny only my threatening the separation makes a difference but loosing credibility when not acted on. i see no return, even if she "acts the way I want", i will never be convinced its for anything but self serving attitude. love demanded, even if given, is not what i would want or trust. once it has to be demanded, what is the point? appreciate advise, will go to therapy if arranged--more so to say i did it. Also need to know full extent of betrayal. have cloned the hard drive and submitted for forensic evaluation. seems extreme but it may help me either way to know the full extent of situation.

 

[OneMarriedGuy]

OK, me ... I say go to counseling together ... even if it does not save this marriage it should help both of you to have better relationships in the future. So do it for your future, whether with or without your current spouse.

 

[LVS]

Hopefully you can convince her to do couples counseling is important for both of you I agree with One MarriedGuy if she doesn't want do it for you
good luck

 

[ppl]

i am confused about latest flap. wife went on school trip for a week with son and daughter. came back and within 30 minutes of return she complained about how many calls and texts she got from me. told me it was embarrassing. here i am working all week while she is off playing, taking care of home and multiple pets. I have not had vacation in years while she travels routinely and i am here all excited to see her... to get grief. now i know what all of you are thinking, a control freak, checking on her. thank god for phone records. over week there were 10 calls she made to me she initiated that lasted a total of 55 minutes. i called her 5 times for a total of 15 minutes. my calls were middle of the day hers were as early as 5 am and as late at 11pm. on text messages, which i scored by timing them while reading out loud, I averaged 38 seconds a day, she was less at 28. I dont have record of what was said, but there were no arguments, or unpleasantries. i have read texts and all were totally benign funny things, college acceptances by kids financial difficulty of my brother. question i have is why is she complaining of contacts when she initiates most of them and 2. what is problem of spouse contacting on vacation. why would it be different frequency of contacts than while at home.

 

[Lyn]

Another cake and eat it too, spouse.

You each have different visions of marriage, and quite frankly, I am disturbed by her "deal with it" responses. That's just not the kind of thing someone says to someone whose feelings they care about.

Personally, I think she is very selfish and unfair to you; indifferent? Why is she there?

If you can find a good counselor to unravel this mess, you might want to try, but...it's all so bizarre. I don't think I would let her string you along with her flimsy and insulting nonsense forever, even a year, but that is just me. You've been patient and tolerated a lot. What do you want? Is what you want possible?

 

[ppl]

cant help but look back and i think i can pinpoint when issues arose. a neighbor with a labradoodle from same breeder would come over home in morning every morning and dogs would run loose while we talked. this was about 18 months ago. i would only see him if i left later than usual in am or sometimes came home early. never witnessed anything but conversation but it was too frequent and i insisted she stop but she refused. showed her articles on internet over emotional affairs but she claimed dogs loved it and she did it for them. claimed she was doing nothing wrong and i was paranoid. it went on for months. finally he suddenly disappeared. never came around, not from me insisting but something else. i have asked what else and she claimed not to know why. with all going on checked his business web site (he is realtor with lots of time on hand) and saw he was still in business. within three hours of doing that i found him at the house with dogs playing in backyard talking to my wife. I know that internet sites can tell who has visited and i called him this morning and he confirmed that he could tell someone from house looked at site. i thought it way too much coincidence. i took it a step further and asked what happened that he suddenly stopped coming around since dogs enjoyed it so much. his voice got all low and he said the weather got colder and he stopped walking the dog. i know that doesnt start suddenly but would perhaps taper off. so now i see three options 1. ask wife again about it explaining i plan to go to realtors wife with suspicions. i would hope she would not want to destroy someone elses marriage or 2. call realtor and explain i dont care about him and his marriage, no revenge motive but that i will go to wife unless he confirms truth for me and hope he sells her out or 3. go to wife and discuss with her my suspicions and since he claims not to be walking the dog for more than a year try to confirm that. i am willing to do all three and am thinking about starting with the first and escalate to second and third if necessary. why do i care because it would make it so much easier to leave with lies that big