[itzachicken]

So this week has been a roller coaster week for the husband and me. I do not believe he views our family as important and if it wasn't for finances I'd be out the door with the kids like yesterday. Monday was his football day he watches football, talks on the phone and drinks the night away. Not much family time since I have no interest in football and neither do our children since they are under two. Tuesday rolls around and he decides to go gold panning after work...he's out over an hour past dark and wonders why I might question what he was doing. Wednesday he calls from work and says hes going fishing with a coworker. No big deal right but he comes home between 8:30 and 9:00 with get this NO fish. Thursday he comes home and stupid me I'm thinkin' he's been kinda nice lately (I haven't been called names for a week) so I put the moves on him and he shuts me down. At this point I'm pretty darn frustrated so I tell him how its upsetting I've been taking birth control all month and he wants nothing to do with me. I think if I'm gonna pump my body full of chemicals and hormones there should at least be a reason. I feel neglected emotionally and he's got the nerve to leave me physically neglected too. I also tell him he's not spending enough time with the kids and he needs to have a family day. Friday rolls around and he agrees he needs to spend more time with the kids so he promises me and our oldest child how Saturday he's gonna spend the whole day with us. (I might add he drinks to the point of being intoxicated nightly). His brother is over friday and all seems well but later I find out he had to call and cancel gold panning, no big deal at least he cancelled right. He then makes plans to go cat fishing Saturday night. I hassle him about how I appreciate him spending time with the kids but now hes going to spend another evening ignoring his wife...YAY go me I'm a frigging genius. He comes to bed for a little over an hour then goes and sleeps on the couch. Now is it just me or does it seem like this guy wants nothing to do with me? Ok so Saturday morning is here and we get woke up at 8 with a phone call from that coworker from earlier in the week asking if he was on his way. Apparently he told that guy he was gonna go fishing with him, he tells him maybe this afternoon. The hubby then tells me to start getting the girls ready so we can go on this hike. Well excuse me...but this was supposed to be family day that means you spend the day with your family doing things together....We were going to go on a hike. I ask him what time we need to be back and he says 2. We go round and round about the not spending time with the family and now were going to rush that time so he can fish...Hmmm Thanks. I had intentions of making a big breakfast showering and getting ready maybe not even getting out of the house till 10 or 11 Those plans are shot so I get the kids ready. He decides I'm being a ***** and tells me he doesn't want to go. So I load the kids up and leave...you'd think that would be the end of it, no he calls and is mad at me for leaving without him while he's in the shower.

I'm frustrated beyond belief with this man ok so maybe I was wrong to just leave but he did say he didn't want to go after all? Is it normal for a guy to not come home several nights a week? Is it normal to drink and smoke weed every day? Is it normal to forget your plans all the time? If a mans wife offers him a bj even when things arn't great does he turn it down? If you spent this much time with your family would you be telling people how your going to have another kid with this woman who you seemingly hate and do not enjoy her company? Is it normal to only have short lived bouts of happiness together? Why is it when I bring up the possibility of splitting would he say he wants the kids 50% of the time when he doesn't even spend 2 hours a weeks with them.

 

[CrazyGuy]

How long have you been married? How old is he, does not sound like he grew up yet.

Turn down a blow job!! Not even if I were dead.

 

[diwali123]

He is an addict, plain and simple.
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[itzachicken]

How long have you been married? How old is he, does not sound like he grew up yet.

Turn down a blow job!! Not even if I were dead.

7 years...this pattern started when I got pregnant with our oldest 3 years ago. Earlier I meant to say 20 hours a week not 2, but still pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

 

[CrazyGuy]

Yeah I have no idea why he would want 50% custody if he is always gone, high, or drunk. His priorities are way off. I am not trying to be crude but are you sure he is not doing harder stuff then pot? Passing out someplace? Does he think his life is so bad he has to escape from it? Sure he is not gay? How much does he drink? I do not know, but sounds like he should cut the booze and drugs out.

Did you try MC?

 

[itzachicken]

The truth is I'm not really sure if he's doing harder drugs or not. I'm not really sure if he's gay or not, he swears he's not but I always question it since he spends so much time high or drunk with older bachelor guys. If he was, I'd be hurt but would be willing to go our separate ways civilly. He always freaks out and threatens/says crazy things when I talk about leaving. He's emotionally abusive so that does make leaving tough too since I've let myself get to the point of having guilt regularly and have no self esteem. He drinks the equivalent of a 6 pack a night and binge drinks once a week. When it comes to the pot hes a wake and bake guy. I wouldn't mind if it was only an evening thing but he does it way too much for a guy with kids.

 

[KathyBatesel]

Are you positive that he's going panning and fishing when he claims to be? Sounds suspiciously like an affair might be going on, although it's equally possible that there isn't.

His addiction is enough reason to prevent your marriage from working. If addiction and an affair are present, I'd recommend doing as you said and hightailing it. Get a little money stashed and figure on some child support in your budget to figure out how you'll make it.

 

[827Aug]

How old is he?! He sounds as though he is still 19. You may have a "Peter Pan" on your hands. If so, there's really not much you can do. I really wouldn't be surprised if he is seeing someone else--a "Tinker Belle". It may be time for "Wendy" to be thinking about an exit plan.

 

[CrazyGuy]

I would get a key logger for his computer. See what kind of things he is up to. My brother in law did not do drugs or drink. But he went on long runs. He was advertising on craigslist and hooking up with gay partners durring his "jogs." Wished it stopped there but it did not. Eventually he turned to his kids. May he rot in jail.

I am not saying your husband is this bad. But really things do not sound good for you.

You say he is abusive, that is why he wants 50/50 custody. To get back at you. You have to document what he does. Try to fix this if you want, but if it ends in divorce no way would he get 50% custody if what you say is true.

 

[Prodigal]

Your expectations are that an addict should behave responsibly. That, in itself, is an oxymoron. He has lovers - booze and dope. They come first. As you are witnessing first-hand, you and the kids are a distant second (if that!).

The older bachelor guys may have that status because their gf's or wives gave them the boot. They may be gay, or they may just like hanging out with other guys who enjoy spending their time getting wasted.

You cannot change your husband. Having been married to two alcoholics, I will tell you this: addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer; it takes down everyone in its path. This is not the type of home life you want your children to grow up in.

You have an abusive addict on your hands who only plays at being a husband. He's far from it. Do you have any family or friends you can go stay with for awhile? I think you need time away from this man to form a plan of action.

Consider leaving when he's not home. Don't tell him where you've gone. You might consider going no-contact for several days - don't take his calls or respond to his texts. You and your kids deserve to spend some time in a sober, non-abusive atmosphere. If he throws a fit, fine. That's his problem.

 

[diwali123]

Look into sites for spouses of addicts. He sounds like my ex. He didn't want to be a husband or a father, would rather hang with his friend's and get high. He resented any activity that took him
away from pot and his friends. But he didn't want a divorce. After I had enough he tried to make me feel so guilty but I knew I deserved better and all his promises to change were empty.
He said he was so in love with me but he ended up with a friend of mine within months and they have been together ever since for four years. Obviously you don't get over love that quickly so I knew I had been right. He just didn't want to pay child support or be embarrassed or have people know what a loser he was.
He was emotionally abusive too and my self esteem was very low, but I knewy daughter deserved a better life.
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[LastUnicorn]

None of the those things are normal. Its also not normal for any rational woman to expect an addict to change into a considerate, loving husband just because she wants him to. It ain't gonna happen.

 

[GridGal]

I'm sorry you're hurting, itzachicken! Sounds like you're at a crossroads right now and contemplating what's best, and that's a hard place to be when there's a lot on the line. Before you make any major moves, I'd suggest talking to a counselor who can help you sort things out and give you advice - also might be able to talk to you about your suspicions regarding addiction. You can talk to one for free at Focus, where I work, if you don't know of someone - 855-771-4357. Here are some articles that may help you too as you're thinking through things: Battling Drug and Alcohol Abuse - Focus on the Family, When Your Marriage Needs Help - Focus on the Family, When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex - Focus on the Family, and Understanding Emotional Abuse - Focus on the Family.

Praying for wisdom for you!