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I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).

Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.

I brought it up in counseling to really get to the bottom of it but I really can’t figure it out. Of course my husband has nothing to back his claims but says that I need to forgive myself in order to heal. He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because he likes to pretend that he never lied and emotionally or financially abused me.

Do you really believe that two people are always at fault when a marriage doesn’t work?
 

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Yes. It takes two to make a lousy marriage dynamic.

However...

The choice to cheat falls squarely on the shoulders of the adulterer. They could have chosen any number of things to resolve the lousy dynamic besides cheating...

Marriage counseling...

Communication...

Ultimatums...

Divorce...

Instead, they chose to cheat.

Do not EVER allow someone to convince you it was your fault for their ****ty choices.

EVER.

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Your husband has a history of cheating. You don't have to take any blame for his need to cheat. I'm sure you are not the perfect wife (who among us is?) but he has a problem and you are not to blame for that.

If he cheated on his ex-wife with you and didn't tell you he was married, I say use this affair as a reason to escape his sorry ass. He is NOT worth fighting for at all.
 

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Do you really believe that two people are always at fault when a marriage doesn’t work?
Yes, I believe that when it is marriage problems. Adultery is not a marriage problem. It is a selfish and sinful choice made unilaterally by the adulterer, and has absolutely nothing to do with his/her betrayed spouse. It's a reprehensible, wicked choice. Like @farsidejunky said, there is an entire array of honorable ways a marital partner can seek change.

But adultery is not an attempt to solve a marital problem. It is an action which simply takes for itself without regard to the partner.

It is now the overwhelmingly egregious behavior which must be resolved BEFORE any other problem can be approached. In many instances, the adultery cannot be resolved, and the marriage is permanently broken.

He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because he likes to pretend that he never lied and emotionally or financially abused me.
This is from the Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1, page 3. The cheater doesn't "own" his contribution to the downfall of his marriage. He wants to "rewrite history" so that he can "justify" cheating. Saying that you have to "forgive yourself" is a slight variant upon "blame-shifting" (Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1, page 4).
 

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there is never a valid excuse for cheating while married.

this shows the weakness of his character. unfortunately, most cheaters make excuses.

it isn't how bad a marriage is, or what the excuses are or whose fault it is, cheating is for losers.

if a marriage doesn't work, or is truly so bad, the marriage needs to be repaired or failing an honest effort, dissolved before being with someone else.

not so much my opinion, but the more from the wisdom of the ages.
 

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I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).

Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.

I brought it up in counseling to really get to the bottom of it but I really can’t figure it out. Of course my husband has nothing to back his claims but says that I need to forgive myself in order to heal. He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because he likes to pretend that he never lied and emotionally or financially abused me.

Do you really believe that two people are always at fault when a marriage doesn’t work?
NO

You may have been partially at fault for the marriage having problems, BUT

HE is 100% solely responsible for HIS unilateral decision to cheat.

If he is saying you need to take some of the blame, he doesn't get it. Period.

He needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" by Linda McDonald and knock off the blame-shifting!
 

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I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
The people saying this to you are clueless.

Here is my advice: completely ignore ANYONE who starts telling you about marriage being before kids, blah blah.

YES I do believe the marriage comes first. But THIS is not the time to beat that drum.

The only drum that should be playing is the drum of your husband taking responsibility.
 

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WhiskeyVictor said:
I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
Some of these people are also "blame-shifting" to avoid culpability for their own evil, wicked adulteries. Cheater's Handbook, chapter 2, page 13. It doesn't matter if you're speaking to SOMEONE ELSE'S betrayed spouse, blame-shift YOUR iniquities onto him/her......as long as you can avoid actual repentance and admission of guilt.
 

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Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.

So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.

As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.
 

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Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.

So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.

As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.
I'm stealing this
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.

So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.

As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.
I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.
 

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I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.
So in a few years you can look forward to her joining this site and asking how she can win him back from the woman he's cheating on her with and on and on and on it will go. Get out now and be happy with the rest of your life!!!!!
 

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I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.


WELP! That’s for sure enough!

Glad you were done before that!

If his daddy didn’t curb stomp him for showing up with a new girl like... well then you know where he got moral compass from.


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WELP! That’s for sure enough!

Glad you were done before that!

If his daddy didn’t curb stomp him for showing up with a new girl like... well then you know where he got moral compass from.


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That’s where I’m baffled, too. They actually accepted it knowing what a shock it was to me, especially since I learned of it from our kids. They’re a mess anyway
 

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That’s where I’m baffled, too. They actually accepted it knowing what a shock it was to me, especially since I learned of it from our kids. They’re a mess anyway


Him putting on a dog and pony show with his family, the new girlfriend and including the children is only going to drive the children closer to you. I feel bad from him, because he has no idea the wedge he’s driving between him and the kids. Seize the opportunity to become closer with your children and avoid making the same mistake he is. Kids like stability and gravitate towards it. So stand still for them. Only move you should make is divorcing him and getting everything in order to raise your kids. No talky-talky with him about it. Just file.

Wait Are you divorcing him(can’t remember)? Please do. Do it before you meet someone new and owe this new person a divorce that should have happened long before you met.


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One good thing about your kids being 3 and 5 is that they still have a lot of development to do. When they're older, they may have little or no memories of the time you were together. What they think of you and him will be almost entirely influenced by what goes on from here on out. If you continue to show them endless love and make a secure home for them, that's what they will remember. Certainly the kids will be upset in the moment, but they are at the ages where it will pass without too many long-lasting consequences. It's much better now than when they're 12 and 14 or something like that.
 

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One good thing about your kids being 3 and 5 is that they still have a lot of development to do. When they're older, they may have little or no memories of the time you were together. What they think of you and him will be almost entirely influenced by what goes on from here on out. If you continue to show them endless love and make a secure home for them, that's what they will remember. Certainly the kids will be upset in the moment, but they are at the ages where it will pass without too many long-lasting consequences. It's much better now than when they're 12 and 14 or something like that.


This is so true. My girls were 12 and 7 at the time. Mom ran off with other guy and promptly moved 9 hours away as soon as her new bf kicked his wife to the curb. 14 and 9 now.

Oldest is resentful of her mom and youngest is sad & confused.

Kids stayed here with me. I made sure of that when I divorced her. So lock those kids into your life. You haven’t the imagination to dream up what a cheater will do.


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Girl, divorce his cheating ass and take him for all he is worth!

NO, YOU are NOT responsible for him being a cheating piece of crap! He gets to own that allll by himself. No matter what problems you had between you throughout the marriage, he does NOT get a pass to cheat! He should have ended things if they were that bad. DO NOT let him put this on you! And if your therapist agrees with him, then you find another therapist ASAP.

Avoid contact with him as much as possible. Stay out of the same airspace, dont talk on the phone. Only text and email, once the divorce is done. Until then, everything should go through your attorney.

Stop the guilt and get PISSED!!
 

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WV,

Your WH is a lying manipulative POS and whomever is telling you that his A is your fault are either his friends/family (who have to say that) or stupid people who know nothing.
Do not for one minute take on this on your shoulders. Get rid of the dog.
Go see a lawyer
tell all family and friends about his lying about his previous marriage (isnt that illegal)
blow up his world and kick him out but not before he has to pay you child support/alimony etc.
Please remember that a life with him will be one of roller coaster emotions and intense pain. Get out now.
 
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