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I’m at my wits end . My husband and I have three kids together , been together for 12 years . He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. He yells about anything and constantly blames me for everything and condescends me multiple times a day. I love him but I think constantly about what it would be like to be with someone who is loving and kind . He sometimes is , to the point that I think maybe he is bipolar . He snaps and yells and scares us all . Sometimes to the point we have to hide in bedrooms to escape him. He’s never physically harmed us. I’m so exhausted. I’m So tired of walking on eggshells , I long to feel what it’s like to be in love again. I do love my life aside from my marriage and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped , scared , alone and lifeless in this marriage . I don’t know , I’m just venting to strangers cause it’s too much to vent to my friends anymore . Not even sure what I’m looking for besides support . He says he’s aggressive because he is Italian but really , he’s just an jerk . I don’t want my children to be yelled at every day . I’m so saddened that this is how it is . Any advice welcome 🙏🏼
 

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I get it. I've been there. Walking on eggshells, yup. As soon as I had my chance I got out. Best thing I've ever done for myself and the kids. I don't like constant yelling. Besides, we were a burden to him so I guess ending it was doing him a favor, too. I'll say a prayer that you find your answer. Sending love your way. I know it's hard.
 

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Your husband sure isn't acting in a very loving way, so I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Most (if not all) people would feel the same way.

Based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound like bipolar to me. Many people don't know bipolar actually looks like. It sounds like he desperately needs anger management. Being Italian is not an excuse for acting like that. That's a load of crap.

Either way, this isn't a good situation for you or your kids to be in. This kind of parenting can be really damaging for kids. It also teaches them how to act... Right now they are watching you and your husband and are little sponges absorbing everything. To them, this is a normal marriage and it's what they will most likely repeat in their own relationships. Either acting like your husband or tolerating the same behavior.

If your husband refuses to change, then you really only have two options... Stay and accept that this is how things will always be, or divorce. Neither path is easy, but only one has a happy, fulfilling life at the end of the path.
 

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I’m at my wits end . My husband and I have three kids together , been together for 12 years . He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. He yells about anything and constantly blames me for everything and condescends me multiple times a day. I love him but I think constantly about what it would be like to be with someone who is loving and kind . He sometimes is , to the point that I think maybe he is bipolar . He snaps and yells and scares us all . Sometimes to the point we have to hide in bedrooms to escape him. He’s never physically harmed us. I’m so exhausted. I’m So tired of walking on eggshells , I long to feel what it’s like to be in love again. I do love my life aside from my marriage and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped , scared , alone and lifeless in this marriage . I don’t know , I’m just venting to strangers cause it’s too much to vent to my friends anymore . Not even sure what I’m looking for besides support . He says he’s aggressive because he is Italian but really , he’s just an jerk . I don’t want my children to be yelled at every day . I’m so saddened that this is how it is . Any advice welcome 🙏🏼
I used to be married to someone like this. It was awful. Being Italian is not an excuse. Acting like that is not a characteristic of being Italian.

It sounds like you have children. How many and how old are they?

Does he only act like this with you and the children? Or does he act like this at work, with friends, when he's shopping? Does he treat non-family members this way?

Does he ever do things like throw stuff; break stuff; punch walls; furnature, etc?
 

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So what if he is Italian, he is being abusive. I suggest you record him when he has one of his next rants and then when things are calmer replay it to him. This is a form of emotional abuse it is irrelevant that he doesn't hit you.
How old are your kids? This is an awful environment for them to grow up in. See a counsellor for yourself to build up your self-esteem so that you become strong enough to take action.
Remember we teach people how to treat us and you are enabling this behaviour by not taking more stringent action. At least do it for your kids.
 

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I guess the real question is: do you want your kids and yourself to live the rest of your life this way?
It is awful what he is doing to you. And no, this isn't "just Italian." I lived in Italy. People don't bully their families because they are Italian. What you do now will determine how your kids experience life. It may even determine what kind of partners they choose. If your friend came to you and presented this exact situation about her spouse, what would you advise them to do?

My experience in marriage was that he would get angry, hit walls, scare me, block exits, scare our son. I looked at him and thought, I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is normal.

Get a lawyer and talk through what next steps look like. Protect yourself and his famiy. NOW he hasn't hit you, but you want to make sure you keep yourself and your kids safe.
 

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Please listen to what these other women have been saying.

I can’t see a man, that loves his wife and kids, ever acting like your husband does.
 

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He definitely needs to see someone about this anger issues. But if you mention that, he will probably get upset and yell at you. It may take you leaving to wake him up and for HIM to want to seek help. Us guys are stubborn and don't want to believe anything is wrong, regardless of how much our wives tell us there is. We don't listen until we know she is serious...ie walks away or threatens to. Good luck!
 

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He's abusive. You and your kids don't need to tolerate it.
You need to lawyer up and get your ducks lined up. Have an exit plan solidified.
If you want to save things, operate from a position of strength.
Present him with two options: either he gets help and works through his issues or you are filing.
Be supportive, but take no crap or abuse.
At that point, the ball is in his court. He either does what is required or you walk your talk.
 

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This is abuse. Your H needs to come to grips that being Italian has nothing to do with his poor behavior. Time for anger management courses. Demand he start attending.
 

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Have you ever stood up to him? Called him out when he is condescending to you? Told him to knock it off when he starts in on you?
Push back against him doing this. IF you ever get physically touched, call 911 right away. Nobody should put up with abuse like this.
 

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I am of Norwegian descent. Should i use that as an excuse to rob, rape and plunder as my viking ancestors did? Should people of German descent start marching jews into gas chambers again? Should people of Spanish descent start killing everyone in Latin America again? Should people of hispanic descent take back the Alamo? Should Japanese bomb Peal Harbor again? Should white people reintroduce measles and smallpox to native americans again and pack them up and send them off to other reservations? Should the french bring back the guillotine and start lopping off the heads of whoever pisses them off?

My point here is no one should use their ancestry as an excuse to be an A-hole.

Your H is simply an abuser and you are a classic abused wife. Maybe he hasn't physically assaulted you or the kids yet but that is coming. These things always escalate.
 

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Leave him. Be serious about it. Tell him exactly what you expect of him if he you’d even consider coming back. Don’t tell him for a couple of months even that. He needs to think you are gone, and get upset enough to actually get help. You can divorce him as most here suggest, but none of us live with him or know the whole story.
Nobody is perfect. He may need some anger management or he may need some anti anxiety meds.... there may be something that he can do to make you both happier—- if he looks for it. Give it some thought.
Men can be assholes. I know because I am one. But we don’t mean to be, and sometimes don’t realize we are.
Good luck.
 

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So he is Italian, yells at you and his kids a lot, and says he is like this because he is Italian....

Is he in the mafia or something? Or related to Tony Soprano?
 

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You definitely shouldn't have to walk on egg shells when you're around this man, nor should your children. I've been through it as a kid, it's not good for your development, I'll tell you that. You'll all get anxiety, depression, etc.

I hate to assume, but he probably wouldn't be willing to go to therapy, right? Or would he? Is this an option you've discussed with him?
 
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