[FaithMatters]

From time to time I struggle with taking lead of my marriage. In an unconscious way which is the worst. It makes me look like I don't care whenever it's not recognized. My wife is disappointed in me to the point that shes ready to separate. I have a hard time with worrying about petty things, beating myself up which results in lashing out at her. I haven't found a balance in life to diffuse certain things before they create a bigger problem. My faith isn't as strong as it should be. This is my first time reaching out to any forums for help. My wife does this to receive answers on things as well. Hopefully this can help me too.

 

[Cantbuymelove]

I am that wife,too. Maybe my pain can help you. What do I want my husband to do? I want a partner. I want someone who will close his laptop, gently touch my arm and ask, "Can I pray for you? I can tell you have been withdrawing from me. I see it, I feel it. I'm sorry." I want a husband who will make ME a cup of coffee, who will start a load of laundry or dishes, who will pick up our youngest and show her affection and love not anger. I want my children to have a great relationship with their father. I want someone who notices me, appreciates me, and treats me like he values me. It is a very simple thing to start with. You don't have to do it all. Start small. Tell her you love her. SHOW her you love her. I know my will to die would end if my husband would just do these things. Don't get caught up in your failings. Start with one thing at a time. The effort DOES count.

 

[Mr.Fisty]

I am not a religious person, but can you give details about yourself and how you behave otherwise. I see that you lash out, and that means you have a hard time redirecting your anger in healthy manner. I am guessing here, but some of your outbursts comes from your frustrations about yourself. In turn, that means you probably have some esteem issues.

Think everyone has a knob and setting that is due to their genetics and the way they were nurtured. On a scale of 1 to 100, how assertive are you? There are some things you can do to move the knob to varying degrees. If your a 50, you can realistically move that to a 75. The books that I heard help some men are "No More Mister Nice Guy," and "Married Man Sex Life Primer."

Also, I suggest seeing a therapist. There could be some behavior about yourself that you can change by having a third party analyze your past, the way you express your emotions, and different perspectives that you have never considered.

Here are some techniques you can use to lower your anger. Learn to breathe in and out of your diaphragm. Anger has a physical affect on your body. With this technique, you lower your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and helps you from going into fight or flight mode, helping you to be more rational. Use serene imagery as a way to help calm you down. Anger is a healthy emotion if you can maintain a level of self-control. I think you should tell your wife what you need from her too, if you have not done so already. Be careful though, if she has placed a barrier to protect herself, she will be emotionally vulnerable to others. Her biological attachment to you is low at the moment, and if you do separate, set ground rules.

 

[FaithMatters]

Cantbuymelove your right by starting to show effort. I love my wife dearly but words are not enough right now. My actions have to do the talking for me.

Mr. Fisty I do have self-esteem issues. I hate that I drop the ball every time and it hurts my wife. Currently I'm going to some marriage male support groups in my church and speaking with my pastor as well.

Cantbuymelove I hope that I can fix myself and my marriage in time.

 

[Mr.Fisty]

Going after the cause of your symptoms should be a priority. The anger and esteem is just a symptom of those causes. You can manage the anger and work on the esteem, but triggers along the way will bring you back to square one.

Here is an example. A child grows up being a victim of abuse. When the person is later an adult, their anger is released out in a healthy manner. They suffer low self worth because the person who abused them as a youth has taken away their self worth. They seek a therapist to go back and deal with those emotions in a healthy manner, while learning to have healthy ways of expressing themselves. The person who abused them was a dysfunctional human being, and they were not the cause of the abuser of being abusive. They learn to accept that the person who abused them is flawed, and never learn how to deal with their own issues. To stop the pattern or cycle, the victim has to learn to let go and forgive.

 

[northernlights]

I don't really think the husband-led marriage model that's trending among Christians right now is healthy for men or women, so I'm not surprised it's causing you and your wife stress. Is she wholly and utterly devoted to this idea?

Marriage is a two-way street. Putting all of the onus on one person is incredibly stressful. If I understand the model correctly, your wife is encouraged to pray that you meet her needs, but not express them directly to you, right?

Please don't blame yourself for the situation you're in. I honestly think your best chances for a truly healthy, loving marriage, rest in your wife stepping up and agreeing to be an active half of the union.

Good luck! Here's a wonderful, thought series about co-leadership in marriage if you're interested: Co-Leadership in Marriage: What about Headship? | The Junia Project

 

[northernlights]

Here are parts 2 and 3 also: Co-Leadership in Marriage: Let's Talk about Submission | The Junia Project

Co-Leadership in Marriage: Who's in Authority? | The Junia Project

 

[LongWalk]

There are no details that explain what issues bring you into conflict.

Prayer and pastors? What do they have to do with it?

 

[Hicks]

Start with using your own words about what the problem is in your marriage. Your post sounds like you are describing what other people tell you. For example, your faith is not as strong as it should be. By who's definition?

 

[jld]

Here's a wonderful, thought series about co-leadership in marriage if you're interested: Co-Leadership in Marriage: What about Headship? | The Junia Project

From the link:

"Biblical headship includes a husband denying himself, dying to selfishness, and placing his spouse’s needs and feelings above his own. Remember, these commands to husbands in that season of history were so over-the-top countercultural. At that time, life was all about men, and women were treated as property—having a wife was similar to owning an animal."

 

[CincyBluesFan]

Ok I'll help. Ruck up, man up, and take charge of your marriage. Regardless of what our chicken sh*t society has beaten you down into believing your wife wants a man, a leader. Be that man. Don't be a pu$$y. Good luck my man.