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He does NOT need IC to uphold his boundaries of a marital union.
He (probably) needs IC for a couple of other reasons.

In my own experience, more than a decade of having my emotional needs neglected (including sex-related ones) or looked down upon, and after being rejected (sexually and otherwise) so many times I now reject myself on her behalf, I realize it has all greatly affected me. I have been depressed. Very. And, though at some time in the distant path I could maintain an independent perspective on reality, I find it hard at times not to FEEL as if the sh!tty way she treats me is what I deserve. Ultimately, that effects how I relate to my wife, which feeds back into how she relates to me.

It's not that I cross her boundaries, it's that I don't effectively declare and enforce mine.

My hunch is he may be dealing with the same sort of fallout from those many many years. IC is helping me get healthier, psychologically. That in turn is forcing my wife to have to face more of her demons on her own. I'm hoping OP will see a similar change occur.
 

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He (probably) needs IC for a couple of other reasons.

In my own experience, more than a decade of having my emotional needs neglected (including sex-related ones) or looked down upon, and after being rejected (sexually and otherwise) so many times I now reject myself on her behalf, I realize it has all greatly affected me. I have been depressed. Very. And, though at some time in the distant path I could maintain an independent perspective on reality, I find it hard at times not to FEEL as if the sh!tty way she treats me is what I deserve. Ultimately, that effects how I relate to my wife, which feeds back into how she relates to me.

It's not that I cross her boundaries, it's that I don't effectively declare and enforce mine.

My hunch is he may be dealing with the same sort of fallout from those many many years. IC is helping me get healthier, psychologically. That in turn is forcing my wife to have to face more of her demons on her own. I'm hoping OP will see a similar change occur.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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The biggest threat is that eventually after rejections galore you check out emotionally and any sex that does happen has the depth of an ONS.

That's not a way to build on a relationship.
 

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He (probably) needs IC for a couple of other reasons.
It's not that I cross her boundaries, it's that I don't effectively declare and enforce mine.

My hunch is he may be dealing with the same sort of fallout from those many many years. IC is helping me get healthier, psychologically. That in turn is forcing my wife to have to face more of her demons on her own. I'm hoping OP will see a similar change occur.
PoS . . . excellent point. Well said.
 

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The biggest threat is that eventually after rejections galore you check out emotionally and any sex that does happen has the depth of an ONS.

That's not a way to build on a relationship.

Right! Hard not to do that, because rejection after rejection really hurts, and it's hard to feel like encountering the other at all after awhile.

Once one starts to check out emotionally, and once the physical intimacy slides to awkward, shallow, and never, then the one doing the rejection feels entirely justified.

It's a downward spiral, which I certainly wasn't equipped to notice and pull out of. (Working on it, with help here and else where :)).
 

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The irony for us is that the last few times have been fairly incredible quality and duration wise, but as the perceived quality increases so does the level of meaninglessness... Eventually I had an aha moment and stopped altogether. I think she has figured out as much and stopped also.

Pointless. But hey, the tuition checks clear :)
 

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It’s a hard place to be as my cousin, his daughter says I need to confront him and move past it, like she has done, I can’t allow it. In fact it upsets me that she allows her young daughters to be around him.
Are you 110% sure that he's not doing anything to those girls? If not, you should report him.

Break the cycle.
 

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I have only read the first three pages of this thread....so please forgive me if someone has already said this....

CSA - infact any SA - is a horrible and dreadful thing. I have never been a victim of it (fortunately) so cannot understand the true implications.

Marriage and what it entails is no secret. It involves both an emotional and physical connection.
If a victim of CSA has been unable to come to terms with and deal with the abuse he/she suffered then I feel they should accept it and not get themselves into a situation that they are unable to deal with/cope with.

To simplify it greatly.....a person who is not very competent in water might go into the kiddies pool but wouldn't go scuba diving!

As with many posters on here...I also wish and hope the 'wife' realises she needs professional help and gets it...not just for herself but also for the sake of their marriage.

I can understand why the OP did what he did....he should have got out of bed, gone to the bathroom and 'sorted' himself out.
Hndsight is a wonderful thing.
 

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I have only read the first three pages of this thread....so please forgive me if someone has already said this....

CSA - infact any SA - is a horrible and dreadful thing. I have never been a victim of it (fortunately) so cannot understand the true implications.

Marriage and what it entails is no secret. It involves both an emotional and physical connection.
If a victim of CSA has been unable to come to terms with and deal with the abuse he/she suffered then I feel they should accept it and not get themselves into a situation that they are unable to deal with/cope with.

To simplify it greatly.....a person who is not very competent in water might go into the kiddies pool but wouldn't go scuba diving!

As with many posters on here...I also wish and hope the 'wife' realises she needs professional help and gets it...not just for herself but also for the sake of their marriage.

I can understand why the OP did what he did....he should have got out of bed, gone to the bathroom and 'sorted' himself out.
Hndsight is a wonderful thing.
First of all, did you know that you don't need to be able to swim in order to scuba dive? True.

Second, people get married All The Time who are not emotionally competent enough to sustain the relationship in a healthy way. Should a man marry if he is revolted by the thought of going down on his wife? Should a woman marry if she is an extreme introvert or has panic attacks crossing bridges? How about the man with a porn/masturbation habit so ingrained he barely ever has actual sex with his wife?

No one gets married thinking that their personal issues *might* need to be challenged and worked on. They get married believing their spouse to be the perfect fit for them, but after time, they both realize some changes need to be made... And yet, how many spouses are here seeking to find ways to fix their relationship because it has stopped being the "perfect fit?"

I am sick and tired of the accusations that a CSA survivor needs to wear a sign warning about the extent of the damage done to them! Perhaps Nathaniel Hawthorn needs to update The Scarlet Letter(s)
 

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The need to inform others is paramount because of CYA on both sides.

If the marriage works we are ok

If the marriage does not work due to no interest and partner cheats?

If the marriage does not work due to no interest and partner detaches?

If the marriage does not work due to no interest and partner goes bezerk?

And many other scenarios. One has to assess the likelihood of each outcome and determine what are the odds a particular case happens. With no intimacy case 1 is very unlikely, cases 2-4 more likely and none is better than the others. To go into marriage with unresolved issues and an unaware partner and expecting case 1 is your destiny requires serious magical thinking.
 

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First of all, did you know that you don't need to be able to swim in order to scuba dive? True.
I can picture that in my mind, but realistically, you would never get the certification required for equipment rental, at least not in my state. Diving down to a depth of fifteen feet and donning the gear underwater, sharing the regulator with a buddy underwater, etc. require basic swimming skills.


Second, people get married All The Time who are not emotionally competent enough to sustain the relationship in a healthy way. Should a man marry if he is revolted by the thought of going down on his wife? Should a woman marry if she is an extreme introvert or has panic attacks crossing bridges? How about the man with a porn/masturbation habit so ingrained he barely ever has actual sex with his wife?

No one gets married thinking that their personal issues *might* need to be challenged and worked on. They get married believing their spouse to be the perfect fit for them, but after time, they both realize some changes need to be made... And yet, how many spouses are here seeking to find ways to fix their relationship because it has stopped being the "perfect fit?"

I am sick and tired of the accusations that a CSA survivor needs to wear a sign warning about the extent of the damage done to them! Perhaps Nathaniel Hawthorn needs to update The Scarlet Letter(s)
I think your point is well made and I agree that CSA survivors should not be stigmatized.

In your mind, is there a difference between a CSA survivor who recognizes whatever social impairment that may exist versus one who insists that it is the rest of the world who is marching out of step?
 

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Discussion Starter #232
First off, a quick reply to the previous two (ok, two posts 4 posts back - funny that 2 people should reply as I was writing this!) posts: Everyone, regardless of history, should have the right to pursue what society might consider a normal life - marriage specifically included. They must, however, in my opinion, accept the responsibility of being willing to do the work needed to overcome that history in able to make that normal life a possibility. Just my opinion, and you know where that's coming from, in my case.

The surgery went well - lot of huge (~1-1.5cm) stones removed, clearly I went in not a moment too soon. Recovery isn't too bad - the meds make my brain too fuzzy, but they do their job in keeping the pain down. As for that, there's a sharp pain under my right ribcage, which hurts more when I move, but it's tolerable.

My wife is being very supportive and loving, with no lingering traces of hostility or animosity from our previous week of difficulty. I think in her mind she knows she owes me this type of care, as I've babied her through several surgeries in the past, including gall bladder removal and a post-baby tummy tuck.

I'm just glad that talking with my mother was sufficient for her to get herself back together.

The real problem now is that I'm horny as hell, but the meds make it impossible to accomplish anything :banghead:
 

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It is hard for me to imagine myself thinking that someone should avoid relationships because they are broken inside or have emotional or physical challenges.

At some point in my young adult life I decided that isolating myself kept me from growing. Relationships can be fertile soil for growth, even when rocky.

I think all anyone owes the other is a genuine attempt to relate honestly with the other. Accuracy is not always possible because we are not omniscient creatures, and sometimes we fool/lie to ourselves.

The other has to guard against misrepresentation, and has to honestly evaluate whether the challenges one sees in the other are worth enduring in some matter. None of us are perfect, and I would hate for my partner to feel as if she had to be to be lovable or worth my time.

Even when there are challenges brought from one or both partners, it's quite possible to have the most wonderful and loving sort of relationship, both growing and learning as time marches silently along. Time marches regardless.
 

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Pardon the crude analogy but I could say that since I can't afford car insurance I'll drive regardless because I need to go to work, and if I ruin someone else's day too bad???

How many years did it take me to figure out my wife comes from a family that for all intents and purposes has their own chapter in DSM-IV??

This isn't a teenage paranormal romance where the prince turns ware wolf at night...
 

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First of all, did you know that you don't need to be able to swim in order to scuba dive? True.
And not too bright, either.

Second, people get married All The Time who are not emotionally competent enough to sustain the relationship in a healthy way. Should a man marry if he is revolted by the thought of going down on his wife? Should a woman marry if she is an extreme introvert or has panic attacks crossing bridges? How about the man with a porn/masturbation habit so ingrained he barely ever has actual sex with his wife?
Sure. As long as the issue is divulged ahead of time.

I am sick and tired of the accusations that a CSA survivor needs to wear a sign warning about the extent of the damage done to them! Perhaps Nathaniel Hawthorn needs to update The Scarlet Letter(s)
Astronomy and other sciences study various forms of risk assessment to determine where time and money should be spent in trying to avoid catastrophe. High probability of risk combined with low harm are not too worrisome. Low probability of risk combined with great harm may not be worth worrying about if the risk is low enough.

Seems to me that CSA is one of those "bad" conditions with (at least a perceived) high probability of great marital harm. I think this is why people react the way that they do - the expectation is that if you marry a CSA survivor, odds are you're in for at least a little and quite possibly a lot of rough sledding. Now I like to be data driven, and I don't know if the perception is accurate, but if it is, the reaction from the public at large is plenty understandable.

Look at the thread we're discussing now. Even among the sexually dissatisfied legions here, very few of us have to deal with accusations of rape from our spouse.
 

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If I'm not to comfortable going down on a woman I won't even considering dating her seriously enough to warrant the remote thought of marriage. Especially since women have alot more going on down there......no offense just saying.

And if a guy is addicted to his hands then he needs therapy more than he needs a girlfriend...let alone a wife!!
 

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Discussion Starter #237
If I'm not to comfortable going down on a woman I won't even considering dating her seriously enough to warrant the remote thought of marriage. Especially since women have alot more going on down there......no offense just saying.

And if a guy is addicted to his hands then he needs therapy more than he needs a girlfriend...let alone a wife!!
Uh... are you sure you're responding to the right thread? :)
 

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:rofl:

We need more threads!
 
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