Understand you did this because you wanted to. You have to find out why.The guy
We are no longer friends. Last time I saw him was the night happened.
Bryanp
I thought about it. A part of me says yes another say no. I know telling him is the right thing to do but then again if it was just once and he knew he wouldn’t do it again I think I would rather him not tell me. I think that’s just me justifying not telling him. Either way it’s a lose-lose situation
I did seek this out. I didn’t go with him knowing I was going to sleep with him but I let it happen. As to why I did I don’t know. I ask myself over and over why I let myself do it. I can’t find answer why and its killing. I have a husband who loves me like crazy two wonderful kids. I have a life most women would kill for and I risked it all for what.
We did use a condom. I haven’t done a std’s text yet I haven’t paid much attention to the health risk involved with what I did till now.
Turnera
I don’t I was played. I know telling his the right thing to do as you put the honorable way. If I tell him I risk losing him.
Thummper
I don’t know for sure how he would react I would like to think his love for me would be enough to get me a second chance. I know he loves me but is that enough. A big part me feels like I won’t get second if he ever where to find out. I already stopped talking to my friend. We both crossed line we shouldn’t have. I don’t think he was just trying to get some he really was a good friend and someone I could talk too. Yeah there is no reason to continue this friendship anymore I really don’t want be friends with him anymore.
Allen_A
I did cross the line before the act actually took place. I said I before everything could have been prevented. The difference is everything before the act could have been forgiven. I know my husband would be angry rightfully so but he forgive me. My husband was going to come with me to the party something came up last minute and he had to go out of town on business. My husband told me I could go by myself if I wanted to.
I just need to tell someone
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Understand you did this because you wanted to. You have to find out why.
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Workindad
I not in love and I don’t love my friend
I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have
I not in love and I don’t love my friend
I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have
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11,332 Posts
I didn't say that she should not come clean. However, she ought to be prepared to meet the consequences. Should she just blurt out the truth? Should she have a divorce agreement ready to offer him a split?
Should she propose divorce, according him financial advantage. For example, should renounce all right their joint property?
Should she be prepared to leave the marital home and only return as he sees fit?
Should she offer to confess on Facebook to all close friends and relatives.
Should she prepared detailed description of all sexual acts and how they felt?
Should she have a detailed written timeline ready?
Should she be silent anout this transgression and on her own try to improve herself until she is prepared?
Should she agree to relinguish custody of her children without contest in court?
Should she book MC and confess there?
Should she engage in hysterical bonding?
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That just leads to blame-shifting and rationalizing excuses.
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416 Posts
yes... you are right. The pure unviolated relationship is no longer possible.... anyway.... but it can be rebuild with honest and love.
... if you decide to keep it to yourself it will eat you little by little, and at some point you will just hide it in the back of your memories but one day it will haunt you back when you wont expect it.....
also..... you already know the risk you are running, and the moment he finds out in a diffrent way (because he will find out... soon or even after 20 years but he will find out) then your shame and regret will be worst then you ever tought.
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7,135 Posts
If you were conscious enough to use a condom(hopefully you are not lying as most cheaters do..), you well knew what you were about to do.
What were you thinking ?
When you were making out with him ?
When you went to the room ?
When you were undressing ?
Did your family not come into your mind while going through the act even once ?
What were you thinking ?
When you were making out with him ?
When you went to the room ?
When you were undressing ?
Did your family not come into your mind while going through the act even once ?
If a WS can not figure out why, it can not be fixed. If the WS blame shifts or rationalizes, true R can not happen.
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1,540 Posts
I would tell him with a marriage counselor present..
There is no real easy answer or magic potion that can fix this..
Your going to catch your lumps and be called every name in the book. Hopefully he will be a strong man that won't cut you loose.
Be the door mat you need to be right now and just let him know you will fight for his love and look to fix this anyway you can..
If you want I can send you the post card my Ex gave me when I caught her cheating the first time. Granted we are divorce now because she cheated another 3 times after that first time. But nonetheless the words were nice even if they meant nothing.
There is no real easy answer or magic potion that can fix this..
Your going to catch your lumps and be called every name in the book. Hopefully he will be a strong man that won't cut you loose.
Be the door mat you need to be right now and just let him know you will fight for his love and look to fix this anyway you can..
If you want I can send you the post card my Ex gave me when I caught her cheating the first time. Granted we are divorce now because she cheated another 3 times after that first time. But nonetheless the words were nice even if they meant nothing.
Figuring out why does not fix anything. Owning the behavior without excuses is the only way to fix the problem.
Figuring out why just takes cheaters away from taking ownership.
She did it, she new she was going to do it, she knew she was doing it. Those are choices she made.
Exploring the motivations beyond that just makes her take less ownership rather than more.
I have witnessed that far too many times. People trying to understand their motives and they end up exonerating themselves in the process.
It's not going to fix anything.
This poster is already way too far into herself. Asking her to examine her motives just fosters more blame-shifting.
She needs to start owning her behavior, not wasting time and energy rationalizing it.
OP you need to understand why you did this. It started way before the ONS. Started before even you friendship.
The why is the behavior not the justifications. There is something inside of you. See an IC to help you out.
This never just happens. You wanted this.
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1,368 Posts
OP, you need to tell your husband because it's the moral thing to do. Lying directly or by omission about an affair is controlling.
Because he is being mislead to believe that he is with a faithful spouse - he is investing time, money, resources, energy and affection into you and your marriage that is currently strung together by lies.
You need to empower your husband with knowledge. Many spouses stay together after an affair and rebuild their marriages. However to do so they need to be able to make a choice. To make a choice you need to have capacity by way of informed consent. If he doesn't have that, you're controlling his choice of whether or not he should be married to you. That is not your decision to make.
An affair never goes down well whether EA/PA or ONS. But one thing I do know for sure is it's much worse to find out third-hand about an affair or by discovering it yourself than it is to get a confession. The sooner you do it, is also the better.
The humiliation is worse for the BS the longer the affair goes unrevealed as all of the things they put into the marriage while not knowing they were being cheated and lied to become meaningless or based on lies.
I do hope you come and post again.
Because he is being mislead to believe that he is with a faithful spouse - he is investing time, money, resources, energy and affection into you and your marriage that is currently strung together by lies.
You need to empower your husband with knowledge. Many spouses stay together after an affair and rebuild their marriages. However to do so they need to be able to make a choice. To make a choice you need to have capacity by way of informed consent. If he doesn't have that, you're controlling his choice of whether or not he should be married to you. That is not your decision to make.
An affair never goes down well whether EA/PA or ONS. But one thing I do know for sure is it's much worse to find out third-hand about an affair or by discovering it yourself than it is to get a confession. The sooner you do it, is also the better.
The humiliation is worse for the BS the longer the affair goes unrevealed as all of the things they put into the marriage while not knowing they were being cheated and lied to become meaningless or based on lies.
I do hope you come and post again.
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1,179 Posts
I believe there are two types of people:
- the type that can do something like this, then compartmentalise it and feel no guilt in doing so.
- the type that thinks they can do this, but it will eat them up from the inside. Slowly but surely haunt their dreams then their every waking moment. This can take years.
You might be the former, but you cannot know it for years.
Take this forward 5 years. Maybe 10. Your secret is eating you up from inside. You thought you could handle it, that you were really keeping the secret for the good of your family. You are taking the pain of your secret to keep your sweet, wonderful, husband happy. In blissful ignorance. But it's eating you up because you know it's wrong and you will, slowly but surely, express this by taking it out on somebody. Maybe your husband, maybe your children; maybe yourself.
Maybe that's you. Maybe you are the person that can look back in 10 years and think it was just a "thing" and your husband didn't need to know. Maybe you did it again. After all if it wasn't a problem that time, why would it be the next?
Perhaps the question should be - which person do you want to be? I don't mean, which would you *like* yourself to be. I mean, which would you *want* to be?
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892 Posts
Why are you here? No really why many of the people here deal with the pain of infidelity an a daily basis but yet your asking whether to tell your husband the truth or carry it to your grave. I'm sorry for your situation but your husband deserves the truth wouldn't you want the same thing if he cheated on you or are you the kind of person who rather live in blissful ignorance.
I hate to tell you this but the truth will come out eventually either by the other man or one of the other mans friends who i'm shore know because that's what college boys do they talk about the women they nailed and I can speak from personal experience word travel fast of a hook up on college campus if you don't tell him yourself someone else will. you have a chances to tell what really happen if you don't you defer that to somebody ells who my paint different picture of you and your action.
It's time to cowgirl up and own your action
I hate to tell you this but the truth will come out eventually either by the other man or one of the other mans friends who i'm shore know because that's what college boys do they talk about the women they nailed and I can speak from personal experience word travel fast of a hook up on college campus if you don't tell him yourself someone else will. you have a chances to tell what really happen if you don't you defer that to somebody ells who my paint different picture of you and your action.
It's time to cowgirl up and own your action
Has anyone even asked her if she's going BACK to SCHOOL?
I mean.. he has to see this guy again. The likelihood that she's going to keep this quiet is ZERO.
Tell him now. It will hurt, but it will hurt 1000 x worse if your husband finds out from someone else.
Don't be so arrogant to think that you can keep this quiet. I don't care what OM promised you, you cannot put your marriage at risk on he promises of some sleazebag OM who clearly had NO concern for your marriage to begin with.
What the HECK makes you think OM will show enough respect for your marriage to keep his mouth shut when he couldn't respect your marriage enough to keep his pants zipped up?
I mean.. he has to see this guy again. The likelihood that she's going to keep this quiet is ZERO.
Tell him now. It will hurt, but it will hurt 1000 x worse if your husband finds out from someone else.
Don't be so arrogant to think that you can keep this quiet. I don't care what OM promised you, you cannot put your marriage at risk on he promises of some sleazebag OM who clearly had NO concern for your marriage to begin with.
What the HECK makes you think OM will show enough respect for your marriage to keep his mouth shut when he couldn't respect your marriage enough to keep his pants zipped up?
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516 Posts
What exactly did you feel towards your husband?
That he was neglecting you? He wasn't capable of having your needs met? That as a provider and a loving husband he was in your hands to discard as seen fit? That he was gonna cheat on you anyway?
What?
And by the way, do you feel comfortable replying us? Does it help?
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892 Posts
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Exactly do you honestly think word about this has not gone around lol he's a college boy who bang a marred woman yeah he going to tell his boys and i'm sure he will say you came onto him and how you did everything in the sack this is what college boys do they do talk s#$t do you want this getting to your husband
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1,610 Posts
You need to tell your husband and get in front of this. Just from what you've told ud he's most likely going to find out sooner or later. And the longer you wait, especially if he doesn't learn about what happened from you, the worse it will be for both of you.
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2,750 Posts
Does this guy have a girlfriend? If so, the chances of her finding out what happened increase by a ton.
If he doesn't have a girlfriend now, he will someday right? When he does he may spill the beans to her if she asks about his former sex life.
He may 'find religion' and confess.
The chances of others finding out are quite high. So even if you're the type that Chris 989 described as the compartmentalizer, your chances of discovery are high.
And unless you're mentally ill, your own behavior around your husband will change in perceptible ways - count on it. Is your husband so clueless he won't notice these changes?
Of course, the honorable reason to tell him have been articulately stated by others on this thread. The only reason I would advise hesitation is ONLY if he is prone to violence.
Is he? Is your husband hot-tempered? If so, then you should be sure your kids are visiting relatives when you disclose the truth. You should arrange for the kids to be away for some time while your husband goes through the initial issue.
Be prepared to tell him the entire truth without hesitation. You should look up therapists in your community or in the college you're attending - or see if your church (if you belong to one) has marital counseling available.
If he doesn't have a girlfriend now, he will someday right? When he does he may spill the beans to her if she asks about his former sex life.
He may 'find religion' and confess.
The chances of others finding out are quite high. So even if you're the type that Chris 989 described as the compartmentalizer, your chances of discovery are high.
And unless you're mentally ill, your own behavior around your husband will change in perceptible ways - count on it. Is your husband so clueless he won't notice these changes?
Of course, the honorable reason to tell him have been articulately stated by others on this thread. The only reason I would advise hesitation is ONLY if he is prone to violence.
Is he? Is your husband hot-tempered? If so, then you should be sure your kids are visiting relatives when you disclose the truth. You should arrange for the kids to be away for some time while your husband goes through the initial issue.
Be prepared to tell him the entire truth without hesitation. You should look up therapists in your community or in the college you're attending - or see if your church (if you belong to one) has marital counseling available.
My ex husband was a total Sh!tbag, cheated on me for years and I never even suspected.
To this day, the thing that angers me the most is he made my life decisions for me. YEARS of MY life taken from me still creates post traumatic stress for me. I can never forgive him for robbing me of the life I could have had if I had known years sooner.
Now, I have never cheated on anyone, ever..... But if I did, I don't know if I would have the courage to come clean. Especially if it were one time. I would be terrified.
The thing is, there is always a reason to cheat. It could be a shallow reason or very very deep.
After coming here for a while now, I see so many people like me, who were robbed of any choices. Our health being put at risk.....
Cheating on someone really hurts and if you decide not to tell your husband, please work on the core reason you cheated. If you do tell your husband, have your feelings sorted out so you can be prepared for his response.
Don't cheat, it's bad. No one comes out a winner.
To this day, the thing that angers me the most is he made my life decisions for me. YEARS of MY life taken from me still creates post traumatic stress for me. I can never forgive him for robbing me of the life I could have had if I had known years sooner.
Now, I have never cheated on anyone, ever..... But if I did, I don't know if I would have the courage to come clean. Especially if it were one time. I would be terrified.
The thing is, there is always a reason to cheat. It could be a shallow reason or very very deep.
After coming here for a while now, I see so many people like me, who were robbed of any choices. Our health being put at risk.....
Cheating on someone really hurts and if you decide not to tell your husband, please work on the core reason you cheated. If you do tell your husband, have your feelings sorted out so you can be prepared for his response.
Don't cheat, it's bad. No one comes out a winner.
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