Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi,

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I have been feeling pretty depressed on and off for the last few years, and right now I feel like I am at an all time low.
My husband and I no longer believe in the Mormon church which we grew up in, due to doctrinal issues. I mention this because it is a source of our current problem which I will explain. Our relationship has been rocky for me since not long after we were married (4 years ago) because of loneliness, feeling not understood, etc. My husband has a one track mind and does not pay much attention to anything (including family) except what he is interested in at the time. The relationship has gotten rocky for him sexually since after our 2 yearold was born. It just kind of slowed down due to tiredness associated with taking care of a child with asthma, reflux, and milk allergies. She still to this day does not sleep through the night. Thus, things slowed down although that was not at all my intent. I mean, I'm a person too, and I like sex too...it's just that when it is 11:00pm and we can finally go to sleep I forget about sex because I do not have a physical need for release like men do. So, even if I would have been totally up for it a couple of hours earlier I would sometimes just fall asleep and not know that my husband wanted sex. No, he would not tell me how he felt...he would just go to sleep mad. So, no I had no idea that he wanted to have sex at least every other day...Every once in a while he would just lash out in anger and give me the silent treatment...and no he usually didn't explain why he was mad, and it just made life stressful for both of us.
Anyways, I finally got him to tell me exactly how he felt about our sexual relationship and now I know what he needs...and I honestly try to meet those needs. And no it's not hard to do, I like sex too, I just didn't understand what he needed.
However for the last few months even though I have been doing everything I can think of to make him happy (helping with bills, cleaning, sex, etc.) he is still not kind to me. He still doesn't pay much attention to me, doesn't plan dates, doesn't tell me he loves me, etc. Then to top it all off, I just found out that he has been looking at porn. I know that some women don't mind their husband's looking at porn, but It hurts me a lot. He said that he wouldn't do it anymore...but I'm not sure if I can believe that.
Then he just told me that because of our recent discovery about the Mormon church not being true, he is unsure if there is or isn't a god, and if there isn't a god then he is unsure of whether or not he really wants to be with me. He feels that if there were a god and an afterlife then he would want to stay with our family. However if there is no afterlife and this life is his only chance to live, then he might want to live it differently...and he isn't sure if I would fit in his ideal "different" perfect life.
So, suppose I just need some comfort. I am really struggling with depression and don't want to feel so alone anymore!

Again thanks a lot for reading, and for comments.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,061 Posts
he just told me that because of our recent discovery about the Mormon church not being true, he is unsure if there is or isn't a god, and if there isn't a god then he is unsure of whether or not he really wants to be with me. He feels that if there were a god and an afterlife then he would want to stay with our family. However if there is no afterlife and this life is his only chance to live, then he might want to live it differently...and he isn't sure if I would fit in his ideal "different" perfect life.
Well, I've heard some rather unusual excuses for wanting to go out and live single, while being married, but this is a new one for me.

I'm assuming your husband either (1) believes God is a Mormon; and/or, (2) Mormonism is the only "true" religion. There are a number of Protestant sects, Catholicism, Buddhism, Hinduism, other 'ism's ... and as far as I know, they all believe in a Higher Power, which many people refer to as "God."

Even if there is no god or afterlife, I fail to see how that fits in with him considering dumping the married life to pursue something else. I'm sure there are agnostics/atheists on TAM who value loyalty and fidelity in marriage.

I think you're being fed a lot of b.s. Fine by me if anyone wants to question or reject the idea of a diety, but I fail to see how that equates to bailing out on one's marriage.
 
  • Like
Reactions: kipani

·
Banned
Joined
·
621 Posts
1st off don't get upset about the porn. the reason your upset imo is because you think he wants them...and you two not having th greatestsexlife recently would make it feel like your fault or unwanted. he needs to clean the pipes, be glad it's just porn. women too....some of them anyway.my wife calls sex/ having an O the big attitude adjuster-look at it like that.

the whole God thing... I quit going to church a long timeago, because it turned me off with superficialness of it all. I still hold my core belies...and I may be wrong. It's not the question if who is God, but that you are better off having faith. Life without faith is not very meaningfull or rewarding. even if it' just having faith that you are doing the bet you can so that you know you lived a life worth living.

Ithin he needs asmuch support as you do. if you give him some and discuss these things (at his bringing them up) then you will be helpful and that will help your self worth/depression whatever. chin up.......it could be worse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
Resentment. It's like flesh eating bacteria for the marriage. He has it, and it's pointed straight at you. I'd be very surprised if your husband thinks his sex life is a good as you seem to think it is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Oh, most women aren't okay with their husbands watching porn. Very few are. Just check my signature =p Its mostly men who agree with its use and women are either against it to the point of banning it from their homes or just dont like it at all.

Secondly, your husband sounds like a very selfish person. I don't see anything good about him. Can you name anything good about him? What makes him 'worth it' ? History? Memories?

He sounds very entitled to me.

I'm an atheist. Loyalty means everything to me. And honesty as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Hi,

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I have been feeling pretty depressed on and off for the last few years, and right now I feel like I am at an all time low.
My husband and I no longer believe in the Mormon church which we grew up in, due to doctrinal issues. I mention this because it is a source of our current problem which I will explain. Our relationship has been rocky for me since not long after we were married (4 years ago) because of loneliness, feeling not understood, etc. My husband has a one track mind and does not pay much attention to anything (including family) except what he is interested in at the time. The relationship has gotten rocky for him sexually since after our 2 yearold was born. It just kind of slowed down due to tiredness associated with taking care of a child with asthma, reflux, and milk allergies. She still to this day does not sleep through the night. Thus, things slowed down although that was not at all my intent. I mean, I'm a person too, and I like sex too...it's just that when it is 11:00pm and we can finally go to sleep I forget about sex because I do not have a physical need for release like men do. So, even if I would have been totally up for it a couple of hours earlier I would sometimes just fall asleep and not know that my husband wanted sex. No, he would not tell me how he felt...he would just go to sleep mad. So, no I had no idea that he wanted to have sex at least every other day...Every once in a while he would just lash out in anger and give me the silent treatment...and no he usually didn't explain why he was mad, and it just made life stressful for both of us.
Anyways, I finally got him to tell me exactly how he felt about our sexual relationship and now I know what he needs...and I honestly try to meet those needs. And no it's not hard to do, I like sex too, I just didn't understand what he needed.
However for the last few months even though I have been doing everything I can think of to make him happy (helping with bills, cleaning, sex, etc.) he is still not kind to me. He still doesn't pay much attention to me, doesn't plan dates, doesn't tell me he loves me, etc. Then to top it all off, I just found out that he has been looking at porn. I know that some women don't mind their husband's looking at porn, but It hurts me a lot. He said that he wouldn't do it anymore...but I'm not sure if I can believe that.
Then he just told me that because of our recent discovery about the Mormon church not being true, he is unsure if there is or isn't a god, and if there isn't a god then he is unsure of whether or not he really wants to be with me. He feels that if there were a god and an afterlife then he would want to stay with our family. However if there is no afterlife and this life is his only chance to live, then he might want to live it differently...and he isn't sure if I would fit in his ideal "different" perfect life.
So, suppose I just need some comfort. I am really struggling with depression and don't want to feel so alone anymore!

Again thanks a lot for reading, and for comments.
First of all, go see a doctor for your depression. It is an illness that is treatable.

Hopefully your husband will agree to marriage counseling. If you do everything to meet his needs & he still gives you that lame "God" excuse in order to leave you, then just take care of your own needs & your child & learn to start living w/o him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for your replies

No, he is not a terrible person. He loves our little girl, he is just very distracted and usually is absorbed in his own thoughts...I don't believe that he is consciously trying to ignore me. He just needs to remember that I need time and love too. I love him and would prefer to fix this rather than just leave. Is a self absorbed mind set fixable?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
851 Posts
Allison

We can all change if we want to.

On the milk allergy, have you got that sorted? It has made the world of a difference when one of our daughters was diagnosed and came off cow products.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Thanks for your replies

No, he is not a terrible person. He loves our little girl, he is just very distracted and usually is absorbed in his own thoughts...I don't believe that he is consciously trying to ignore me. He just needs to remember that I need time and love too. I love him and would prefer to fix this rather than just leave. Is a self absorbed mind set fixable?
Well if he self-absorbed & self-centered, then he may never meet your needs. He also says you may not fit into his ideal life.

What in the world does that mean?

I am very sorry, but he is sending out cryptic messages to you that he is not happy. Because he is not happy in his life does not make him a terrible person but it does not make him a good husband.

You can't fix him.

Maybe a counselor can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
As for religion, many people's views change over time. I don't believe in god, but I believe the ritual, tradition, and sense of community that the church brings is very important. I'm also very pro-family.

So, I don't buy this excuse your husband is giving about not wanting to be with you and your family. It sounds like you two are going through a tough time and he's trying to escape. Challenge and difficulty cannot be avoided in life and being a man is about facing that, not running from it.

Keep up with the good lovin, keep communicating, set and enforce healthy boundaries. Don't be too concerned with losing the church. There are many other fulfilling pursuits out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
280 Posts
If you want to salvage your marriage, Allison, try to think back to the things you believed, the places you went, the associations you had when you fell in love with him and then recreate that same environment, to put yourself back in the right frame of mind to rebuild.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
I just need someone to understand
Ok, I think I understand what's going on.

He still doesn't pay much attention to me, doesn't plan dates, doesn't tell me he loves me ... he is unsure of whether or not he really wants to be with me ... He feels that if there were a god and an afterlife then he would want to stay with our family. However if there is no afterlife and this life is his only chance to live, then he might want to live it differently ... he is not a terrible person. He loves our little girl ...
This sounds suspiciously like the ILYBINILWY speech. 9 times out of 10, the spouse who gives this speech is in an affair. Don't assume it's not happening just because he "would never do that." It sounds like he was pretty sexually upset even in your version of the story (I'd like to hear his). How long ago was his "discovery?" Did he make the discovery to convince himself an affair is OK?

Look for the signs. Has he started caring more about his appearance? Doing his hair better? Wearing more cologne? Dressing better? Working out? Is there a change in behavior? Is he secretive with his text messages or his phone? Be very wary of texts, it's how most men in an affair communicate best with their lover. Does he go to "work" for 10 hours some days? Does he keep breath mints, cologne, etc. in the car? Do you have access to the phone bill? Does he hide where and how he spends money? When he buys things for himself, are they better suited for a family, or things that enhance his affair?

Most of all, look for a change in behavior. That is the tell-tale sign.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top