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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm at my wits end...backed into a corner, ready to dig a hole and crawl in....

I've been married 14 years....have 2 stepchildren. When I met my wife I had actually started out chasing her close friend, who I really cared deeply for. Well, it didn't work out and as my wife and I got to know each other things seemed to fall into place very well....I've always been one to help others, and at the time we met she was in desperate need of some stability. Things were great.....we went out, had fun, lived life. Got married and things were decent...then she had an affair. I was raised to stick thru things and not give up....always said I'd get married once and would stick it thru regardless.

I fought thru the affair and we worked things out....when it came to the kids, I'd try to put my foot down and she'd override me, since she had next to nothing growing up....no family structure, a father she didnt know, a mother who was married 5 times...you can guess the upbringing. I was fortunate to have both parents in my life.

I now own my own business, one which she didn't really want me to open, out of fear of failure. 5 1/2 yrs later business is going well.....unfortunately everything else isn't.

I have alot of resentment issues with her anymore.....I've tried and tried to have her become more of a part of the business, but she just can't grasp the concept. She's supposed to be the office person, but half the time I have to do the invoices, she can't remember to pay the bills, every time I turn around something is screwed up. I've tried in vain to explain that being together ALL the time is not healthy...she just thinks I'm trying to push her out of here. I work 60-80 hrs a week keeping things going, while most of the time she's gone when we close and home sitting on her posterior when I get home.

I've tried explaining things repeatedly.....I moved out for a week not long ago, and the whole time got the "poor me" scenario.....after opening my business I've become alot more dependent, while she's become more needy. She can't understand that alot of the reason why I work so late or on the weekends is simply to get away from her for a while.....she's become a very needy, clingy person....when something goes wrong at work, I get the "I'm sorry" thing. She's a person who acts first and thinks second, while I'm the opposite.

I TRY to explain my feelings, but whenever I do, I get the "I'm sorry/puppy dog eye" thing, and by then I feel guilty for making her feel bad. I'm not an evil, mean spirited person by ANY means.....I just expect that if she's going to be involved in the business that she'll pull her fair share, but not only do I find myself doing my own work, while supervising 3 other employees, but having to cover and sometimes do her work too......anymore the chronic saying that I hear repeatedly is "I didn't think"......at times even my friends, family, and employees have questioned how I put up with the things I do, to give you an idea...

Every time we have a fight, separate, or quarrel, it becomes everyone elses business....I'm a pretty private person, but with her whenever this happens she looks for the sympathy vote....with me, friends, on Facebook, or wherever.....it embarasses me that she does this and trys to get people to play sides....

Which is why I'm here.....being a business person i know alot of people...however, I can talk to very few. When it comes to personal issues, there's VERY few people I trust to listen without telling everyone else, or passing judgement without listening to the WHOLE story......some customers like her, and tell me what a lucky guy I am....others really can't stand her.

Our friends have become very separated because of this, as when something happens she immediately has to contact someone and tell them whats happened.....we haven't had sex since Valentines Day, which has been my choice, because I just cannot deal with that right now. I question why I stay daily.....I'm really not happy there. I think I feel guilty because I'm not happy...am staying because it's the "right thing to do", farful of what she'll do if I leave, because she's so dependent upon me.....she blindly thinks everything is fine, because she doesn't WANT to see the problems we have.

We were invited to a friends house repeatedly this year, which I just found out a month or so ago.....she took it upon herself to tell them no, without asking me...when I found out and confronted her, she said she told them no because she thought I didn't like them...now that I know the truth and have been visiting them and talking to them occasionally, now she's interjected herself into things and wants to hang out and spend time with them like nothing happened.....she has a tendency to just inject herself into the middle of things, which irritates me to no end, especially when I'm talking with a customer and she tries to jump in,not even knowing what I'm talking about.

I just continue to shove my feelings down, causing health issues with myself...stomach issues, lack of sleep, etc....it's not that she's a BAD person....she has a good heart, and cares deeply....when the stepkids moved out and got on with their lives she had a hard time, since she's a "mother hen"...has to interject herself into the kids lives and friends lives trying to "help".....I'm 41 years old and don't need a mother.

When I talk about separating, she crys and says shes sorry, and makes me feel guilty and like garbage for thinking of leaving...I honestly don't know how she'd make it on her own, as she's always had help from people, even prior to our relationship.

I've found my desires changing over the years....I would like to be with someone more independent, who can stand on their own 2 feet, who has a little backbone and attitude, who wants to enjoy life rather than watching it pass by.....unfortunately she really isn't like this, and the person I fell in love with is now the person that I still do care about, but resent alot.

Now it's the holidays, and she's all about the family thing again....I've come to hate Christmas and the holidays because she shoves them down my throat. I feel like I'm trying to climb a ladder and having to drag her up it....I provide the work pay the bills, and she reaps the benefits from it.

I sit here and pretend I'm happy, so as not to damage my business reputation....I'm afraid if I leave that it will damage my business and personal reputation, and that I'll lose everything I've worked for....she doesn't care about the business, and in all honestly it would fold if she took it over....since having the business though, she's sure made a point to put her nose up further towards people, and to brag to them about all the things she "supposedly" does to make it grow and succeed, which is about the farthest thing from the truth....she sits while I work, yet makes it sound like she does all the work. She works part time...VERY part time....and I've been told from her fellow and former employees how she's blown off work by saying shes sick or couldn't make it different times, which is NOT what I got told from her....

It seems she'll do whatever necessary to keep the illusion that everything is fine, and there are no issues, whether it comes to lying to me, stealing money from the business...I KNOW she does it, however I can't prove it......and whenever something happens between us, she'll twist the truth so that I come out looking like the bad guy....I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep living this way.

I had my friend come and grab all the guns from my house to protect both of us, as I was beginning to feel a little unstable for a while, and some of the things she's said in regards to us breaking up made me begin to question her stability if I did move out....

Guys...I just don't know what to do anymore....how much do you give of yourself to make someone else happy? I don't want people to think shes awful, because she is a sweetheart......I just feel at times like I'm taking care of another child in alot of ways. She criticizes herself, especially after we fight or I try to talk to her about what's troubling me...it just doesn't sink in.

I just don't know where to turn anymore......I don't know why I can't leave...maybe I'm a coward....maybe I'd rather suffer myself than see her suffer.....all I know is something has got to give soon because I can't put myself thru this much longer...

We tried counseling before when she had the affair...it was NOT a nice time, as she was NOT receptive to it, and at that time got very belligerent about things...now she said she wants to, but yet she refuses to admit that she's part of the problem, and I've reached the point where I'm tired of taking the blame or being the bad guy all the time....she knows just how to twist things to make it look like it's my fault (he works all the time and doesn't want to spend time with me...he doesn't want to go anywhere, etc)

I know she's gone thru my wallet, checked my phone while I'm sleeping, and who knows what else.....I've done nothing to cause distrust, but I feel like I'M being punished for something....I just feel like I'm living such a lie anymore. I do love her...I'm just not sure how anymore......

Anyway, thank you for the opportunity to vent and get a few things lot.....I can stuff alot of things down, but at some point there needs to be a release....as I said, I don't hate her, and I don't believe she's a bad person.....she has a hard time dealing with the kids being gone, which I do understand...at the same time with her pushing and pushing, all I want to do is work just to get away, even if it means working myself into the ground...
 

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Renegade, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you and your W are going through so much pain in your relationship. I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

An important issue, I believe, is whether your W started exhibiting the dysfunctional behaviors -- e.g., the neediness, always being "The Victim," fear of abandonment, lack of impulse control, distrust, and childlike behavior -- throughout the 14 years of marriage or, rather, only after her children moved out several years ago. I therefore ask whether these behaviors persisted throughout your marriage, starting shortly after the wedding?
 

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OP......You can get some IC to help you get some clarity of thought, and I suggest if possible find her another job, you guys are spending toooo..... much time together.

I know you are not happy with her, but I get the feeling you would be unhappy without her also
 

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It's obvious that you are not "in love" with your wife anymore. I think you have regrets marrying her & not her friend.

Many couples can't work together. If there is any hope for this marriage, she needs to get another job. Maybe some space will salvage it.
 

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I'm with the others about her getting another job. There is no way that your business is gong to succeed if you have to continually look after the work that she's supposed to be doing. Hire someone to do her job and help her find some work of her own. The time apart might help your situation, although it sounds like she might give you grief that you are pushing her away, etc... However, you need to make things easier on yourself and your business.

On the personal front, consider IC and maybe MC for the both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Uptown, honestly I think they WERE always there...I just never really noticed them before because I was comfortable at that time being the "protector" and "the person to make everything better"...I know....my own fault.

On a personal note I never used to be the most outgoing or social person....I was one that kind of stayed behind the scenes. Prior to opening my own business I was in a management position, and had no choice but to become more outgoing and social...with owning my own business I had to do so even more, and I think that's when I really began noticing it.

She has always been a follower, and one who went with the crowd or got others to help her when in need. When she had the affair it really messed with me because she'd leave, then come back, then leave, then come back. I caught her at his house one night....after a few months I said I'd had enough, and then she came around....which now leads me to think that she was convinced that she could put me through hell and back and I'd always be there.

I did put that part of my life behind me and honestly really did get past it and didn't bring it up again until recently.....moreso to prove a point, not as leverage ior to make her feel bad. I simply said that I thought it was unfair that she could put me through all that, yet when I said about moving out for a while she couldnt accept that. She had moved out for a month some time ago and stayed with a friend, and really never DID leave me be....texting, stopping by the house when I wasn't there to "get the mail, get clothes, etc"

I don't resent her for straying....it happens, and unfortunately there are too many divorces anymore...I was raised to stick it out, which is alot of the reason I'm still there, despite all that's happened.

I've TRIED talking...numerous times. I vent my frustrations, it's ok for a while, then back to the same....more regularily the past months. I say that she needs to find another job, she says shes trying...I just don't see it. I feel like the sugar daddy and she reaps the benefits whilke I work my butt off.

I hate feeling this way because I DO care about her, but when we kiss or touch I just don't feel it anymore....I don't know if it's because of frustration or anger, or because I just DONT...it feels more like we're roommates than mates. She's COMPLETELY convinced that I'm her soulmate, and has said repeatedly that she will not give up on us.....it just seems that when I try to talk and explain my feelings that it just doesn't sink in.....I get the "Ok..if you want I'll let you go", but I know in my heart that she can't or won't...

I know if I leave it's going to devastate her, and while I don't want to hurt her something needs to be done....I sit at the shop some evenings and just cry out of frustration....I don't let anyone see, and very few know how I'm feeling inside.

EVERY night it's "Do you want to come to bed with me?"....some nights I do, alot of them I honestly fall asleep on the couch, NOT intentionally (I don't think)....mainly because my mind is racing with thinking about the next days work, that I sit and watch tv to have some time alone to unwind, then just simply and suddenly fall asleep....

Emerald, I think you may have hit on something, to a point.....no, I can't say I regret marrying her, although if I said I didn't wish things were different at that time with her friend I'd be lying. Her friend got married, as did we, although we all stayed close......in the last year or so her friend and I have become extremely close friends...honestly her friend is my closest, dearest friend, and since that has happened they've drifted apart, not surprisingly.

Yes, her friend got divorced also, but I DON'T want people here to think that that's when the problems started...that began long before that. Yes, I do think that there may still be some kind of feelings there, but I have NEVER pursued it, as I am a faithful husband and am more than happy just being best friends.....yes, it may sound odd that a man has a female for his best friend, but we just click and understand each other more than I have ever been able to with a guy....

Some days are better than others, but there is just not the passion and desire there...at least on my part. When I talk to the W and TRY to explain my feelings, she either just can't see it or refuses to, and always comments that she thought things were going fine....I honestly think that she doesn't WANT to see the problems, doesn't WANT to be on her own, doesn't WANT to be alone...much of this has to do with her childhood, much of which I don't know or haven't asked about. I know she saw her mother with different men on a regular basis, that her mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, that she died from an overdose, that in prior relationships my W has been beaten and abused, that prior to us getting together she was quite promiscuous...to give you an idea, when we first started going out I didn't try to sleep with her for some time...she asked her friends what was wrong because I didn't want sex...asked me what I wanted from her when I asked her out because "everyone wants something"....yes, I knew then she had issues and I wanted to try and help get past them together....the problem is that I think she has never dealt with her youth, and chooses to live in denial of it rather than face it and move by it. I cannot see her going to counseling, which i do believe she needs, but I won't use that as leverage in order to keep the marriage together....you can't force someone to do something they don't want to, you can't change a person that refuses to change, and you can't help someone who cannot help themselves, and I refuse to try and use leverage to try and change her, because that isn't right.....

I've ALWAYS been the strong one....for friends, family, whoever.....the problem is that you can only be strong and carry that burden for so long before everything comes crashing down around you....

She blindly spoiled both our son and daughter so they had everything and could do everything she never had or did when she was younger....an enabler..., while I tried in vain repeatedly to retain some kind of discipline......my daughter is now 22...went to Louisiana 3 1/2 years ago to see a "friend", and hasn't been back since. She got pregnant and then married to.....my best friends youngest brother (yeah, I know this is starting to sound kinda *******!) Last Thanksgiving was the first time I'd seen my daughter in 2.5 years, let alone my 1 yr old grandson...haven't seen them since, although the daughter calls regularily, but I can't get her to come home for a visit...alot of burned bridges and facing up to people that I don't think she can deal with.....my son is 20....worked for me till this summer when he got involved with a 28 year old psycho who lies like a rug, got in trouble because of her, went to jail for 2 months, is out now till the end of Jan. then has to go back for 5 months and 2 years of probation because he got hooked on painkillers and alcohol after breaking his foot due to a temper tantrum. The W is all happy because he's home (for now), which I helped to negotiate to keep her happy......he creates constant tension between us because he pretty much takes and does what he wants when he wants, and I have to put my foot down because she won't...he thinks everyone will bail him out of a jam, take care of things, and at one point I told her if she didn't stop it I was done...she was sneaking him money, food, etc, and I was raised to work, take care of myself, take care of my bills.....he lost the house he rented, his car, his job....all he has left is the tools that I make occasional payments on just so he doesn't lose EVERYTHING over this crazy chick he was with....has he learned? I dunno......

I don't want to give people the impression that my wife is a terrible person, because she isn't....she has a HUGE heart, and is a good person in general....it just feels like we hit the crossroad and went different directions...her interests and mine are night and day anymore. I'm not the perfect husband...I work countless hours trying to build my business, keep people happy, take care of all the bills, and I'm fortunate that it's worked.....on the negative side, SHE'S also fortunate that it worked, because she can sit back and ride the wave of fortune and fame so to speak...yet let me put all the work and effort into it. She thinks she's a huge part of the business, but does nothing to support it other than talk to customers, answer the phone, schedule some appointments, and make some invoices, while I'm supervising 3 employees plus working, doing paperwork, FIXING the invoices and schedule, doing the majority of the bookwork, all while trying to attract new business and continue growing what I've built....yes, I said I've, because looking back I can't really see what she's done to build it.....when we expanded into a new office area this spring and did some remodeling, she helped a few nights, but the majority of the work was done by myself and one of my friends.....

Anyway, sorry for rambling....it's just nice to have SOMEONE to listen and not immediately become judgemental and say "love your wife...it's no big deal...everyone has problems...it'll be fine" or "you must have feelings for someone...you're just a typical male...it's not fair to your wife, you should be there for her....yada yada yada..."
 

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Oh she knows damn well you are not happy in this marriage so stop expecting her to share your feelings.

When I was unhappy in my 1st long-term marriage, I tried in vain to get my husband to "agree" with me that the marriage sucked hoping that it would be a "mutual" decision to split up.

Didn't work.

So I left.

But there were abuse issues so I was "justified."

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will find the courage to leave.

The kids are grown. You will have to pay alot of alimony & give her 1/2 of your assets but you will be a free man.
 
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