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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello Everyone,

I just want to write and vent out my frustrations at the moment. I feel so angry and hurt and sad. I feel stuck and hopeless like things will never get better. I know what I need to do, but I'm not sure if it's right or if I will regret it. I need to leave my husband and create a life of my own.

I do not love my husband and have grown very cold toward him. Due to many hurtful words said repeatedly throughout the marriage of 17 years, I find it really hard to conjure up loving and romantic feelings toward him. Unfortunately for me I'm unemployed or rather underemployed due to a shortage of work. I'm desperately trying to get something else, just to be out from under his control. I have no money. I have no power. I'm afraid to ask for some money out of the savings account. I don't even have access to it.

My husband has not been feeling well the last 3 or 4 days and has been enjoying the attention of his mom,dad and sisters calling him every 5 seconds. He limps around the house moaning and being a big baby. However, he has enough strength to go to work and to yell at me and remind me just who it is that makes money and pays for everything. I'm so tired of it. He does this often because he can. What can I really do about it?

I wish I could leave today. I'm stuck. I'm praying that a really good job comes through for me soon. I'm desperate.

I feel like I will never be happy. It's just not going to happen for me. My parents had a terrible marriage as I was growing up and honestly getting pregnant and married at 18 was my way out. Plus I was helping him get his immigration status here. If I could go back in time...I would do so many things different.

I'm trying to have faith but it's dwindling. I'm so depressed. I'm really down on myself for not being able to get a job. My husband has been rubbing it in my face that even our 16 year old is making more than me at the moment. I haven't gotten any shifts at my workplace (I'm a casual, on call employee) and she has a pt job at McDonald's. She's very good, going to school, making good grades and working her job and saving her money. I'm very proud of her! However, my husband just basically yelled out in front of the whole household "at least she's going to work, that's more then you do"...wow, well didn't that shut me up. Please pray something comes through for me soon...

Part of me knows I can do better, but part of me feels like maybe I cannot and I'm a failure and always will be. I don't know what to think a lot of the time....

This is a cycle that goes around and around and I KNOW that because of my position of powerlessness does it continue. I just need a way out because I'm sinking.
 

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ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I would leave if I could. I can't live on the street.
 

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I would leave if I could. I can't live on the street.
If he really treats you that bad, then I would not have any remorse for taking some of his money for the years that you have had to endure it and support him. You are married, which means half of everything is yours, regardless of what he says.

You can go if you really want to, you just need to be creative and have an open mind, and you have TO REALLY WANT TO!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I really want to. I mean it's to the point where I don't care what I lose. I'm so tired and weary. I need some if the money from the account but my stomach is in knots even to broach the topic. It will cause a huge blow up with him insulting me and telling me how I never do anything and if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have anything. I just want to live in peace.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I can't tell anyone IRL about this because its embarrassing and I've mentioned these problems to others in the past and I've done nothing to change things for myself. I'm still here. I'm afraid sooner or later my kids will stop respecting me. Mom is the lazy one with nothing and dad keeps it all together. Hell I partially believe that.
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Lavender, I know how it feels to be completely dependent on a man for your food and shelter and LIFE. I have a college degree but there is a huge gap on my resume because it was very important to my husband that I stay home with my children.

Thankfully, my husband is not an outright abusive man but I still feel like a child or a dependent in our relationship, even though me staying home enables him to work in a pretty exciting field.

So in December I decided to take back some of my power. I took over managing the household budget. I get a hefty chunk of cash, plan the household expenditures and when my husband needs cash for food or gas he has to come to me. All the bills still come out of our bank account which he controls but the cash budget it controlled by me.

There must be something you can do to take back a bit of your power. Make a plan, go back to school, find another job, ANYTHING. That way you are doing something productive and hopefully beginning to detach yourself from him.

And if he is an abusive butt, I wouldn't lose one wink of sleep over taking some money and starting a new life.
 
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Lavender, I know how it feels to be completely dependent on a man for your food and shelter and LIFE. I have a college degree but there is a huge gap on my resume because it was very important to my husband that I stay home with my children.

Thankfully, my husband is not an outright abusive man but I still feel like a child or a dependent in our relationship, even though me staying home enables him to work in a pretty exciting field.

So in December I decided to take back some of my power. I took over managing the household budget. I get a hefty chunk of cash, plan the household expenditures and when my husband needs cash for food or gas he has to come to me. All the bills still come out of our bank account which he controls but the cash budget it controlled by me.

There must be something you can do to take back a bit of your power. Make a plan, go back to school, find another job, ANYTHING. That way you are doing something productive and hopefully beginning to detach yourself from him.
And if he is an abusive butt, I wouldn't lose one wink of sleep over taking some money and starting a new life.[/QUOTE]

Unfortunatly your husband is abusive so it will be much more difficult for you. He wont give you any control over finances. You need to become as independent as you possibly can, slowly but surely. Seek help from friends, family people who love you will understand. It is very difficult to build yourself up in the midst of constant critisism and degradation. You need to completely tune him out. Dont bother argueing, ignore him, walk away when he starts acting up. Dont even listen to it. Really look at your options realistically for the quickest route out, make a plan and let it be at the forefront of your mind at all times.

Get a free consultation from a lawyer to see where you stand financially upon divorce. This will help you in making decisions. If you decide to and you can leave now make sure your lawyer freezes all accounts so he cant take and hide all the money.
 

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ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.
Selfishness is not a factor in a situation like this but survival is. What is good for her is to leave now, she cant because she raised the kids allowing him to succeed in the workforce. She has nothing as he controls all the finances. It isnt selfish to take care of yourself when you are being abused and mistreated. You think you can just sit a man like this down and be honest?? It would be wonderful if it were that simple

When i told my ex I wanted a divorce, he stopped buying food, shut the phone and stopped giving me any money. Like an idiot i used to give him my pay checks. He hid the car keys, and refused to watch our kids so I could take jobs as I was a substitute teacher at the time.
 

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ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.
Agreed!!!
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You are married, which means half of everything is yours, regardless of what he says.
Uh, not necessarily true ... even in community property states.

However, Lavender, I think you should get hold of a family law attorney to find out what is your's. Generally, an attorney wants to see, at least, your federal tax returns from the last five years. You can often get a free initial consultation.

Alimony is a thing of the past, unless age and longevity of marriage are considered major factors. However, spousal support, for a period of time determined by the court, would allow you to get on your feet.

Yes, this economy stinks. But if you are software savvy (or can learn such skills), you can get work as an office temp. There is also retail, although in this economy, even retailers are cutting back on their workforce.

The thing is, you DO have a right to access accounts that are solely in his name if those accounts were created during the marriage.

Yes, you DO need a way out, and that is why a lawyer is crucial in giving you the guidance to achieve this. It is entirely possible that you could pay legal fees from the money you would receive from the divorce.

Knowledge is power. Use it.
 
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Oh yes, it can be very hard especially when you have no outside support.
My STBXH had an affair...when we agreed he leave, he took everything. And I started over with nothing. Btw my ex was extremely verbally and mentally abusive. So yes, if you want it bad enough you can do it.
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ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.
I don't see a problem with someone covering their ass against a partner who abuses them.

In fact it is hard, very hard

It's not possible to be up front an honest with an abuser as it just causes more and worse abuse.

Selfish thinking is what she appears to need here.

It would seem you need to bide your time OP and stash any cash you can get a hold of where he won't find it.

Keep looking for that stable job.

Do you have any family or friends who could lend you a hand?
 

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I can't tell anyone IRL about this because its embarrassing and I've mentioned these problems to others in the past and I've done nothing to change things for myself. I'm still here. I'm afraid sooner or later my kids will stop respecting me. Mom is the lazy one with nothing and dad keeps it all together. Hell I partially believe that.Posted via Mobile Device
This was a big part of my motivation to leave. Your kids may very well lose respect for you as well not to mention how they may carry this dynamic into thier own relationships.
 

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Did you have children?
Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I have signed up with a temp agency and scored decently on the Micorosoft programs, I HOPE that an opportunity comes through...Also, I'm applying for any and everything I see.

My husband only has about $3500 saved up but I can't access it. I did contribute to it and I know that I'm entitled to half. It's just he gets so wound up and extremely verbally abusive around the whole money thing. I'm literally afraid to ask for it, due to whatever repurcussions that might incur. Even it I got half and paid down on an apartment, then what? My kids would be devestated...I know separations happen everyday, but I am so paralyzed by the whole "what if" ...

My parents are totally broke and can barely support themselves unfortunately. I have no idea of living with my dad and his miserable cantakerous ways...that is what I ran away from 17 years ago. He has calmed down some in his old age, but can still be miserable and raise hell when he's stressed.

I don't have money to speak to a lawyer...

Screw it...maybe I should demand my half of the money and leave and figure it out as I go? My husband would make sure that it would be the biggest mistake I ever made.

Why do I feel like I can't do this?
 

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My STBXH had an affair...when we agreed he leave, he took everything. And I started over with nothing. Btw my ex was extremely verbally and mentally abusive. So yes, if you want it bad enough you can do it.
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I agree, if you want it bad enough you find a way but did you have children you needed to care for? Picking up and just leaving on your own is one thing. Having children to feed is another.
 

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I agree, if you want it ba denough you find a way but did you have children you needed to care for?
Originally Posted by inarut:
Did you have children?
Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
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[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
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Originally Posted by inarut:
Did you have children?
Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
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[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
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I edited my post before I saw your response to it. I'm sure you have valuable info to share. How did you do it?
 
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