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I caught him masterbating before he took a shower and he doesn't know about it, we've been arguing lately so I get it's a stress reliefer and he's told me he's done it before while where together, but seeing him do it in action... it felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest and cracking.. lately it feels like I'm not good enough for him and he somehow reminds me of it and all I want to do is cry and I can't make him happy.
 

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This almost certainly has nothing to do with you. He's probably always masturbated, no matter how great the relationship. I'd say many men do occasionally, even if they have sex daily with their partner.
 

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Males masturbating is nothing new and he might do this regardless of the situation at home or in the bedroom. I wouldn't necessarily look at this as a reflection on you or whatever the current situation is. You might be reading too much into him knocking one out. Is there some way you could use this as a segue into talking about your difficulties? Maybe say I saw you stroking your **** and I wished it was me doing that for you? Depending on the depth of your issues, it might be a way to break the ice.
 

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I don't see this as a problem at all unless it is a preoccupation impacting your sex life. Most people have fantasies or want a brief pleasure. Of course ask him if he's into porn by himself since that can be addictive.

It would be interesting to read a comparative longitudinal study of male and female masturbation. Some differences and many similarities I'd hazard.
 

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"Show me someone who says he doesn't masturbate and I'll show you a liar" - High school gym teacher teaching sex Ed.

If he's healthy and normal, he likely does this every day he doesn't have sex with you.

Don't take it personally, unless he refuses to have sex with you.
 

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I would work to figure out how he interacts with you on a physical basis. After all - the best device on the planet for male self gratification is the vagina.

Some thoughts -

Maybe he has the desire to experience orgasm more than you? and doesn't want to burden you with servicing him

Some folks have to have the "emotional" connection when experiencing coitus. I venture a lot of males just want the
pleasure of their own experience and don't want to "use" their partner as a toy.

Maybe he has some issue with his performance and interaction with you and avoids ego bruising interaction by "relieving" himself?

Also, (my perspective) self-gratification doesn't require taking a shower, shaving, tooth-brushing-mouthwash etc before starting the fun. Getting cleaned up and psyched - 20 minutes minimum - getting on by oneself - 5 min. and no or very minimal cleanup.

this is just a few things to think about

more - physical function - males have to have their penis get stiff enough to shove into the female. Self gratification
not so much. Does he have issues with his equipment? Drugs/alcohol abuse? Other physical condition?

aaaannnndddd - men are VISUAL creatures - so? what is his perspective on your visual sexual being?

If you have a hairy body like Bigfoot - you mind find him a bit put off? How do you smell to him? What is your figure like?
(Apple/Pear/Coke bottle or ????)
Bad Breath? Coughing/sneezing/farting/burping while starting the per-coital activities?

as two people get close - emotional/mental interaction becomes paramount - that is COMMUNICATION.
Is communication lacking?

Have you two discussed what you like the other to do? Pettiing? Kissing (and what)? oral?
How about the "lead up" to the fun-in-the-sack? Does he come in the door from work and think he can instantly
toss you onto the floor and pounce? Most females need a bit of warmup to get in the mood. If "he" doesn't want to bother - then he works on hair-in-the-palm growing.

If he is of the persuasion (morals?) then 'sex on demand' is a prostitute for "eff-buddy" - but he may hold to his marriage vows so that is off the list of possible ways to reduce tensions.

there is probably some more/other angles to consider

Best to ask - does he desire you as a sex partner? - touchy subject but until you have that conversation - his self-gratification is going to bother you - maybe even cause resentment
 

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I'm just going to stand by with the pliers. Give me a holler if you get something caught in your cheek.
 
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I caught him masterbating before he took a shower and he doesn't know about it, we've been arguing lately so I get it's a stress reliefer and he's told me he's done it before while where together, but seeing him do it in action... it felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest and cracking.. lately it feels like I'm not good enough for him and he somehow reminds me of it and all I want to do is cry and I can't make him happy.
Yeah it is really ****ty to see it so unexpectedly especially when things are so unpleasant in the relationship.

I caught mine in the kitchen. I was horrified. Especially because our relationship was really hurt by what he did to me. To this day I still have that image in my head.

One thing I can say for sure though is that you can be a little relieved that he was not jacking off to porn. Now that is where serious **** happens. Until you see stuff like that I don't think you should be too worried.

Men masturbate and there is just no way around it for us girls. If they wanna do it, they will. But if they aid it with something else then it spells trouble. So as long as it is only himself then I believe it should be ok.

He probably needed a release and really did not want you to resent him more in light of the circumstances so he turned himself into DIY Bob for a minute or two. But it does hurt my dear, it certainly ain't the best feeling in the world.

Be kind to yourself and just do something uplifting for yourself. And once your tarnished heart is stronger and your self esteem a little brighter, call him out on this nonsense and tell him to do you instead. You'd be surprised about his reaction. Give him the option and if he doesn't want it then fine, you can choose another outcome for yourself.

But I don't think things will blow up to these proportions. You will be able to figure this thing out once you are calm and able to think with a clearer mind.

Hang in there dear.
 

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Masturbation is a totally normal and healthy function for males and females.

It sounds like you have relationship problems and you, yourself, sound like you have some issues to work out with your self worth, etc. But this has nothing to do with his masturbation. Maybe he would masturbate less or not at all if your sex life and general relationship were better but that still doesn't mean it's the masturbation that's the problem.

Think of it like people spending less time together when they have problems - e.g. watching Netflix alone vs as a couple, going off more and more and doing your own things instead of things together. Perfectly normal for couples in strong relationships to do things separately but if the balance shifts too much to being alone and drifting apart then that could be indicative of a problem.
 

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Yeah it is really ****ty to see it so unexpectedly especially when things are so unpleasant in the relationship.

I caught mine in the kitchen. I was horrified. Especially because our relationship was really hurt by what he did to me. To this day I still have that image in my head.

One thing I can say for sure though is that you can be a little relieved that he was not jacking off to porn. Now that is where serious **** happens. Until you see stuff like that I don't think you should be too worried.

Men masturbate and there is just no way around it for us girls. If they wanna do it, they will. But if they aid it with something else then it spells trouble. So as long as it is only himself then I believe it should be ok.

He probably needed a release and really did not want you to resent him more in light of the circumstances so he turned himself into DIY Bob for a minute or two. But it does hurt my dear, it certainly ain't the best feeling in the world.

Be kind to yourself and just do something uplifting for yourself. And once your tarnished heart is stronger and your self esteem a little brighter, call him out on this nonsense and tell him to do you instead. You'd be surprised about his reaction. Give him the option and if he doesn't want it then fine, you can choose another outcome for yourself.

But I don't think things will blow up to these proportions. You will be able to figure this thing out once you are calm and able to think with a clearer mind.

Hang in there dear.
The kitchen is a little different then the shower.

Plenty of women masturbate too. Which is good for the men they are with because they learn their bodies and can teach their partners.
 

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I do feel a bit bad for the OP as we all seem to have been a bit harsh on her after only her first post. I agree maybe she overreacted but I hope she didn't get sacred away.
 

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You should have jumped in and joined him. THATS what guys want...not being judged for doing it.
Come here.... let me take care of that for you.

That’s how you should have handled it.

The thing is.... it’s your issue...not his. Don’t make it into his issue.

News Flash: The majority of men master bate regardless of their state of married bliss/misery.
Be careful giving this advice so confidently -- my STBX had NO interest in me knowing he was masturbating or allowing me to share in the experience with him in any way at all. For HIM masturbating was a way to shut me out of his sexual life and reject me.

Some guys don't want their very willing female partners to join in and take care of it with them.
 

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Some guys don't want their very willing female partners to join in and take care of it with them.
This can be true in few dead and moribund relationships.......

but in the vast vast vast vast vast majority of cases, most men would be more than happy to have his partner join in or at least lend a hand.

I would even be willing to bet good money a guy would accept an offer to join in from a complete stranger if a stranger walked in on him (female or his particular sexual preference of course)

Any guy that would reject his partner lending a hand if she walked in on him, is completely done with her and done with the relationship.

I am sorry 😞
 
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