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I hurt my fiancee by deleting pics of her ex.

5611 Views 86 Replies 25 Participants Last post by  Madman1, 
M
So I'm posting here for advice being is i am trying to make up for a serious mistake i made in handling a situation with her. So the story goes almost a year ago my fiancee (girlfriend at the time) was living with me and we were slowly rolling around to the idea of marriage, so in doing so we were both talking about thing in our life's we needed to come to peace with. Her biggest one was re-structuring her relationship with her ex whom she has 2 kids with. One of the ways she was going to go about this was to go through her big stack of pictures (all on CDs) and delete him from them so she could still have all of her pictures of the kids for her and our photo albums (digital or otherwise.)

As she was doing this she invited me into the process explaining to me what she was doing and how she wanted it done, (delete anything with him in it/or if its a picture with him and the kids to crop him out). I quickly decided to not be part of it as it kinda hurt me to be looking at pictures of her old life. Well after about 2 to 3 weeks of the Cd's sitting on the coffee table i got bored one day and went through about 6 of the 20 or so discs and deleted all of the pictures i felt she wanted me to. Now i have to admit that in doing so it made me feel better because we had been fighting a lot at that time over him and his place in our life's. But at the same time i honestly thought i was doing her a favor and in a way i felt like she would be happy that i did it being is she kept putting it off and we kept getting into little arguments over the fact that she wasn't doing it. Keep in mind that this whole thing was her idea (deleting/cropping the pics), she repeatedly told me what she was planning on doing and in no way did she ever suggest to me that she wanted to hold on to any of the pictures for any reason. So after i went through a couple discs i threw them away and told her about it.

She got mad, then told me how she understood why i did it, and told me that the only reason she was mad was because she had thought of saving a couple select pictures to give to him so he had some of the kids. My response to this was OK you still have 15 more discs to go through, can you still do this with what is left? her answer was yes and it ended right there...or so i thought. a couple days later i took out the trash and found all the garbage bags ripped open and all the discs that were thrown away were gone. So i go and ask her about it, she admits that she dug them out and hid them, to this i started feeling like i was being mislead and started feeling hurt that she would go through so much trouble to save pictures of her ex. So i asked her if she would throw them away and we could put this whole thing behind us, she agreed and we did.

Flash forward to present day and her and i have hit a spot where we are separated but working very hard on coming back together being is she is now pregnant with my 1st child. Now it seems the only thing that she is upset about/holding against me is this scenario. She says that she is incredibly hurt that i would do that to her, she is hurt that she would let me do that to her and she doesn't know if she will ever get over it. She says that it was "her job" to do and she is accusing me of being that type of over controlling/manipulative person that i really am not.

Now don't get me wrong, i totally understand that she is hurt, i now understand WHY she is hurt and i feel like a gigantic ass for doing what i did. In principle i know i was wrong, i over stepped my bounds, i took her offer of involvement and ran with it and i put her in a position where she felt like i was going behind her back and destroying something that she wanted to destroy herself. I robbed her of that and that's what she hold against me the most. Since this i have come along way in dealing with the blended family and her ex in general and i have even cleared the air with him and am working on being the best step dad i can be with him still being in those kids life's. Now i have done a recovery on my PC where i have been able to retrieve most of the pics that got deleted and have apologized profusely and i want to make this right by her. She is very upset still and i am at such a huge loss, i don't know what to do except apologize, get the pictures back and promise to never do something like that again but i fear that its not enough. Please help me, i love the hell out of this woman and want desperately to make this work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Coffee Amore
That's one big wall of text. It's hard to read. Maybe you should break it into paragraphs.
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Chris Taylor
No more apologies.

Tell her it is apparent that despite the facts surrounding the situation, she is not willing to forgive and that is no basis to advance into a marriage. Ask her if she is willing to derail the marriage based on this. Because if she can't get over this, you're headed for more crap.

Some couples therapy may help. One thing my marriage counselor told us recently is that there must be forgiveness in a marriage. If there isn't, the marriage can't work.
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southern wife
All this drama................over pics of her life before you where she has 2 kids with someone else? :confused:

Sorry, but that's her kid's Dad and one way or another he will ALWAYS be in the picture. You knew this going in, but his pics bother you? :scratchhead:
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4
I agree with Southern Wife. If my bf got rid of my ex fiances pictures I wouldn't give a DAMN. I have no attachment to him or them.

She had the chance to destroy them herself after she dug them out of the trash. But you know what? She HID them instead.

Flames not quite gone for that ex I'd say.. Hell, I'm indifferent / dislike my exes.
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M
Well to be honest, yes, in a lot of ways i did have a really hard time at first dealing with the ex. Not only was he abusive and neglectful to the kids whom i love as my own but she had nothing but terrible terrible things to say about him, and was very good at convincing me that i SHOULD hate this guy. Like i said, i was weak and have since come a long way from where i was at in that scenario. I have never been a parent before, let alone a step parent and there were a lot of things i needed to learn...and i have. But i do agree with the sediment...it was really dumb, i see that now.
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I
I'm sorry but you can't be responsible for this entirely. There was a major communication breakdown. She told you she wanted you to be a part of the process but you declined. But then you changed your mind not knowing she had changed HER mind about doing it all by herself. This is simply a communication issue. It doesn't need to be Dooms Day. I understand that she may want certain pictures kept for the sake of the children as they get older but in the scheme of things this is pretty minor, in my opinion.

Honestly, she needs to let this go. And you need to accept less responsibility for it.

I am concerned as to how she's going to react when you REALLY screw up!
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C
You should have left the photos for her to deal with, but that's history now - what you're dealing with now is the present. If she feels that she can never get over you deleting the photos, then I don't see any foundation on which to build a marriage. You've apologized, you can't do more, and it's up to her to deal with how she intends handling this from now on.
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southern wife
Have either of you checked the 'Recycle Bin' on the computer to see if the pics are still there?
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anotherguy
southern wife said:
All this drama................over pics of her life before you where she has 2 kids with someone else? :confused:

Sorry, but that's her kid's Dad and one way or another he will ALWAYS be in the picture. You knew this going in, but his pics bother you? :scratchhead:
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:iagree:

I totally agree on this. I am inclined to say 'grow up'. She has selected you, and you are controlling, insecure and childish.

Huh. thats an ad homenim attack. Sorry. What I mean is - your decision to take and toss pictures in some crazy attempt to purge the uncomfortable (for you) bits of someone elses life is inexcusable. It is perverse and a towering example of selfishness.

You do NOT break trust like that, making a decision to delete memories for someone else. These arenot just pictures of her 'her ex' right? These are pictures of he,her ex, kids maybe. Good times maybe. I dont care what she did - you are totally in the wrong here. You shoud say so - own it, and find out if she is willing to forgive you. 'im sorry' isnt enough. You need to articulate that you understand the magnitude of what you have done - and what the motivation is for you to take those steps.

Her reaction - according to your account - makes me wonder if your descriptions of things has been sanitized or is not exactly the way she would describe them - but thats just me speculating.

If my (fiancee) did that to me - I can tell you one thing - I would have ditched her so fast her head would spin. Strike 1, done. If I had been digging in the trash for a CD - I bet I had good reason.
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kipani said:
Flames not quite gone for that ex I'd say.. Hell, I'm indifferent / dislike my exes.
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Not necessarily. I divorced my ex over 25 years ago and I still have my wedding photographs and photographs of my ex with our son. I don't keep them for personal sentimental reasons, but feel that I have to keep them for our son one day.
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M
I have owned up to it, i do fully accept responsibility for my actions. And i am going way beyond just saying "sorry" i have recovered almost all the pictures and they are hers to do whatever she pleases with them. I was wrong for all the reasons that are obvious. And yes i was insecure and yes i did act childish. We are all human, i screwed up, i admit that and want to make it right, let alone never do it again because i have learned from it and i never plan on doing anything like it again.
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southern wife
Cosmos said:
Not necessarily. I divorced my ex over 25 years ago and I still have my wedding photographs and photographs of my ex with our son. I don't keep them for personal sentimental reasons, but feel that I have to keep them for our son one day.
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Ex's are Ex's for many reasons. But when you have a child with that person, you can't just "erase the past" by tossing out the pics. That person is still very much part of the present and future of the child.

OP, my advice to tell your pregnant wife that you made a huge mistake, you did it because you were feeling selfish and jealous, and that you love her and want to be with her.....and feeling that way about her...it's hard to see her with another man. But also tell her you know she had a life and kids before you, and you respect that. Tell her that you're looking forward to YOUR life WITH her and your child! :)

Come on, dude, pour it out..................not just "I'm sorry!"
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anotherguy
Friend - Im not trying to make you feel worse, but I admit... I was horrified by this. Yikes.

You need to throw yourself on the mercy of the court. That was a class-A mess up and I bet its going to take some work to recover some of the trust that was lost. She is nver going to forget that if you deleted a pic of her or someone that she cherished - possibly for reasons you dont even relize. You now.. the time she blew milk out her nose? Whatever. She may be able to forgive - but she will not forget.

Good luck.
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southern wife
mrmartin406 said:
I have owned up to it, i do fully accept responsibility for my actions. And i am going way beyond just saying "sorry" i have recovered almost all the pictures and they are hers to do whatever she pleases with them. I was wrong for all the reasons that are obvious. And yes i was insecure and yes i did act childish. We are all human, i screwed up, i admit that and want to make it right, let alone never do it again because i have learned from it and i never plan on doing anything like it again.
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Ok good! So what was her reaction and are you still separated?
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M
This has all come back up in the last 24 hours. For the last 10 months or so it hasn't been talked about once since it happened. I have been pouring my heart out to her. I feel like a huge ******* because i see how i messed up, i don't want to be that, I'm trying to be better everyday.
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southern wife
So are you still separated?
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KathyBatesel
I can't agree with most of these posts, I'm afraid.

Sure, it's her child's father, but her behaviors weren't the "I'm putting these away for my child to enjoy someday." They were the "I'm putting you to the test to see how jealous I can make you" variety. Inviting you to stand around looking at pics of her with the ex, and when you don't, leaving the CDs in plain sight for you to gaze upon day after day - even after you had arguments about it! Then, when you did nothing more than comply with what she said you could do, she flies into a panic, digs them out of the trash, hides, them. Oh, I forgot, and says she was going to take time to make a nice little gift for her ex. Isn't that just the icing on this sweet little cake?

I'm being harsh here, because I imagine she was conflicted and her behavior at the time may have been understandable to some degree. However, today it's not. Her anger over it stems from her own unfulfilled fantasies more than anything you did.
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M
yes, she has been gone for about a month. She left because of other reasons which we have worked through due to most of them were stress from a rough couple months of me working 70+ hours a week for 2 1/2 months straight. We have been going to counseling, everything was moving forward and we came to a point where we were planning on moving back in together and moving forward with our life's and then we hit a brick wall and this is the why i guess.
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anotherguy
KathyBatesel said:
...Her anger over it stems from her own unfulfilled fantasies more than anything you did.
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Im going to call BS on this point.

We dont know her motivations. I think it equally likely that she was keeping pictures for the same reason I keep them. Not because she want to have sex with her Ex or is inflicting some kind of jelousy test. 'unfulfiled fantasies'. Yeah, right.

The OP should be able to discern that, but you simply dont do this anymore than you would throw away someone elses college yearbooks or their old presents received from others etc.

People DID have lives before someone else came into the picture to 'clean house' for them to their liking.

Sounds like they are working through it - but that this has surfaced in the way that it has - just before moving back in together - 10 months later - to me sort of agrees with my perception of the situation. Hopefully they will be able to get past it.

The 'brick wall' may simply be that she is still unconvinced that she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone who would do that. I have no idea. You may need to decide how long this can continue for yourself. You are in NO position to suggest an ultimatum - but to me a year should be plenty of time for her to determine if she is willing to let it go of if you both need to move on. She will not be able to use this as an axe to grind for all time.

Whats it worth to you, I guess is the question. Keep in mind that she is still in the picture (no pun intended..), so thats a good sign.
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