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Discussion Starter #1
but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!

I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...

1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?

2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?

3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?

4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?

5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?

6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐
 

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I hope this isnt weird to ask...

I always felt things were a little off sex wise, or at least could have been better. I’m just not sure how much of my “icky” feelings were me being weird about things or if I just genuinely have a terrible sex life. I just don’t want to be going around with unrealistic expectations and constantly being confused and disappointed once this divorce thing is all worked out. Sometimes the grass isn’t really greener, ya know?
 

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It sounds horrific to me. I can’t even...

Others will come with more support soon I’m sure. @Lila is around I think.

You are probably going to get some two by fours, so buckle up. My take, get your little kids and yourself out of there. What you are describing is going to set into your children’s psyche about what relationships are like. They deserve better, even if that means you are single for a while or a long time.
 

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Hi,

1. Yes, and you would definitely know!
2. Depends, but 3x is a pretty good amount, especially considering your husband sounds pretty bad.
3. Holy ****. Don't do something that hurts. You are probably damaging yourself. Some women enjoy it but they have caring partners who make sure they are physically prepared for it, and are CAREFUL.
4. No that's not normal. Your husband is a brute.
5. I'd say 15, given the fact that I'm inferring what an ******* your husband is and what kind of horrible sexual dynamic he's providing you.
6. Your husband sounds abusive.
7. None of that happens when giving oral to a caring partner!

I'm not the first who will say, I'm very glad to hear you are removing yourself from this marriage!!!



but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!

I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...

1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?

2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?

3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?

4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?

5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?

6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!

I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...

1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?

2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?

3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?

4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?

5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?

6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐
1) Yes. You will feel like someone riding a huge roller coaster for the first time and thinking it was so fun that you want to go again!

2) Anywhere to multiple times a day to once or twice a month. Most long term relationships settle around 2-3 a week.

3) You should just say NO to anything that hurts. Sex should not hurt or cause pain.

4) That is NOT OK! You should be able to say NO and be respected.

5) There is no standard answer for that question. From foreplay to a cuddle afterwards might last an hour. Penetration may only be 5-15 minutes of that.

6) Totally normal. Unfortunately doctors and pharmaceutical companies try to profit from that.

7) Oral can be a pleasurable part of sexuality.

@HorseShowMom it sounds as if you are married to someone that is NOT a loving person and abusive. Please get some therapy on your own. As in without your husband there so that you can talk about these things in detail with a professional that will help you do what is best for you.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Well it isn't the ladies forum so here are some answers from the other side,
"1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?"
despite being average or less and having every defect possible (ask any of the gals on the forum) I have managed to join Mrs Nail in orgasm using pretty much every PIV technique we've tried. And even had some limited success with other methods. So either she is a world class faker who keeps coming back for more, or I'm just very lucky in only one very narrowly defined area.
"2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?"
yes, yes , yes all of the above and more. Everything from ABC sex (Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Christmas) to the old joke about royalty "once a king, always a king, but once a knight . . . is Never enough."
"3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?"
This is the part that is hard for a male to answer, because prostate massage is a pretty good thing, yes orgasmically good. But I have it on good report from Ducky Doolittle that at least one woman likes it.
"4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?"
Rapey is not normal. Rapey is not good. I get turned down too much, but even at that it is very hard for a good man to be upset Because his partner is tired. or in pain. The Rule is always NO means NO.
"5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?"
Yes all of those or any of those, depends a lot on what you want to do. 2 weeks ago we spent 2 hours at it from wake up massage thru foreplay to a good one for each of us. But usually we don't have the stamina for that kind of performance.
"6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble."
Normal is not a good word in this kind of conversation. But to answer your intent:
People who aren't getting "satisfactory" sex often get bored. If you are never getting there, why warm up the engine?
People who have been in a long relationship with a restrictive partner can get bored of the same ole' same ole'.
People who are emotionally detached get tired of sex pretty damned quickly.
Some people have been married 50 years and still look forward to the next encounter.
"7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol"
This is actually the question I answered for. Yes I do enjoy Giving Oral. I enjoy it a lot.

Now having said all of that, @Faithful Wife has declared the truth of the matter. It is clear, even to an emotionally retarded man like me, that your marriage has been sexually abusive instead of a loving bonding. In your place I would divorce. You have had enough damage for me to suggest a sex therapist if I knew anything about it.
 

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So glad you did not ask your mom.

7.Choking, crying, being deprived of oxygen sound like you are being forced. This is not normal sex, but abuse. There are degrees of yielding, but you sound like only you were forced to give oral or whatever. Did HE ever spend time on 1--7 to give you pleasure, understanding, love, intimacy and feeling of connection?

I'm wondering if he is ignorant, a bully, or just plain mean? Do not let your husband blame you. One really, good experience should open your eyes. Do not despair your future has to be better.

This can be a touchy category. My husband withheld sex because I liked it. Then I was desperate. There are really good books, including erotica, that will help you.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Wow. I have so many feelings about all of this. Its become abundantly clear to me over the last two days that I’m in an abusive marriage that needs to end. Im now trying to come to terms with exactly how messed up the whole situation really is. I just figured if I wasn’t bleeding profusely or covered in bruises, it wasn’t “really” abuse. I’ve been working with my therapist for 8 months and have been on antidepressants for 5 months. She’s been right about everything, and I’m finally seeing it. I’ve hardly talked to her about the sex stuff. I’ve tried a couple of times and just turn beet red and can’t look at her. It’s so hard to talk face to face about it. But I have so many questions, and maybe a slight need to feel validated, like maybe I don’t know much about sex but this was wrong and maybe not entirely my fault for not liking it. In any case, your responses have been super helpful. I’m actually surprised that an orgasm is a real thing. Sounds like fun haha 🤪
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?
Yes, women have orgasms. Some have multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session.
Most women (about 75%) cannot have orgasms from PIV (penis in vagina) alone. Instead, we usually get them from foreplay.. some kind of stimulation before or after intercourse. This is why a loving man is important. He needs to want to please you sexually and not make it all about him.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?
People are different. 2-3 times a week is about average. There are people who like to have sex everyday.

3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?
Anal can be feel good for a woman. If it’s done wrong, it can hurt like hell. Plus, even if done wrong it can cause serious damage to the rectum. Do not do anything that makes you cry and/or hurts. Any man who would force a woman endure pain like this is not a good man.

If you don’t like anal, don’t do it. Let your next guy know that this is off limits for you.

4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?
You have the right to say no anytime you want. If you are sick, say no. If whatever is going on with the sex is hurting you, you have the right to say stop/no and if he does not, it’s rape.

Not it’s no normal for your husband, or any guy, to get ‘rapey’ after you say no. That’s actually called rape. Legally, a husband is committing rape if he forces his wife to have sex against her will.

5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?
When you say ‘sex’ are you just taking about intercourse, or are you talking about all the forlay and after play too?

Sex can take a few minutes up to hours, several hours. It just depends on what you’re doing. A morning quickie is, well quick. But on a weekend, you might spend the afternoon/evening (or entire day) just messing around sexually.

6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.
With the sex life and marriage, you are describing, yes, it’s very normal to become less interested. You might really like chocolate cake and ice cream. But if someone served you rotten chocolate cake and ice cream several times a week, you are not going to want any of that desert, are you?

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol
Yes, some women enjoy giving oral… at our own pace, doing it in a manner that we can deal with. What you are describing does not sound like anything I’d want to do.

Remember that those porn ladies are actress. When they are doing that, they are not thinking about anything loving. They are thinking about how they are going to spend all the money they earn sucking on something that is just a stupid prop to them.

If you ever try oral again, don’t try to emulate porn stars. Instead go slow and explore at your own pace. Don’t choke yourself. You are doing it wrong if you choke. Don’t let any guy try to guilt you into hurting yourself or being uncomfortable. Why any man would want that kind of oral/sex is beyond me.
Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐
Most likely you don’t like sex much because you have never had good, loving sex. If you want to see more realistic ‘porn’, try looking for erotic or sensual porn.
 

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Many think that only physical abuse is important. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as damaging or more so. Read about emotional abuse--you will recognize yourself, I'll bet.

Your therapist can help so much better if you can be open and honest. They have heard EVERYTHING and will not show surprise--often they knew and were waiting for you to disclose.

Orgasms are real, super real. Perhaps you might try a vibrator--yourself alone-- and see what happens. Invest in a good one....or just start with a Walgreen's type massager --$20.00. They are with heating pads, etc.
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

No self-respecting man/woman would ever force their partner to do something that is vehemently against their will!

Loving sex should be done freely and respectfully, and performed from the depth of one's heart, and never out of one's perceived fear, performance anxiety, as a bargaining chip, a medical or physical malady, or through a partner's manipulative coercion to either perform a certain egregious act or their undue fearful persuasion not to permit their partner to perform sex at all!
 

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Everyone else has said pretty much everything I would have, except this is not your fault. No normal woman would enjoy any of that. Your husband is abusing you and making you do sex acts that make you feel uncomfortable whether physically or mentally is sexual abuse. Find a man who respects you and helps you rebuild your confidence, that should take care of all of your questions especially #1.
 

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Everyone else has already told you that you have a lousy sex life with your inconsiderate husband.

I notice your occasional refusals were gentle enough. What would happen if you were more forceful when you said NO. Because you might have to be more forceful as you separate, and set your boundaries.

You asked about orgasms. And yes they are real, but the majority of women don't have them from penetrative sex, they have them from the clitoris being stimulated orally, by fingers, or using a vibrator.
This means that there are women who don't have orgasms with their partner, if that partner isn't stimulating them in this area.
But, they can have an orgasm all by themselves if they stimulate this area.

I don't know if you have ever tried to bring yourself to orgasm (solo) in the past, but that is how most women first learn.
But as not all women want or like this, then they would need a good lover to help them get there. And it doesn't sound like you have a partner that would encourage and support you in the way you need.
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

I’ve been working with my therapist for 8 months and have been on antidepressants for 5 months. She’s been right about everything, and I’m finally seeing it. I’ve hardly talked to her about the sex stuff. I’ve tried a couple of times and just turn beet red and can’t look at her.
Just so you know, this is very common.

It's common for people to go through therapy, avoid the subject of sexual abuse (and yes, that's what this is), "finish" therapy and be "healed", then drop that on their therapist and they have to start over.

The problem with avoiding that topic is that you are delaying your healing. I would highly suggest bringing it up at your next session. Alternatively, print out your post here and let her read it. Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, you may want to go hide under the couch. Trust me, the therapist won't be shocked in the slightest. They won't laugh at you. They won't think you're stupid. Therapists have heard everything.

If you want to have a good sex life in the future, you need to talk to your therapist. Chances are it won't be as simple as finding a loving partner and bam, your past is erased.
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

Just so you know, this is very common.

It's common for people to go through therapy, avoid the subject of sexual abuse (and yes, that's what this is), "finish" therapy and be "healed", then drop that on their therapist and they have to start over.

The problem with avoiding that topic is that you are delaying your healing. I would highly suggest bringing it up at your next session. Alternatively, print out your post here and let her read it. Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, you may want to go hide under the couch. Trust me, the therapist won't be shocked in the slightest. They won't laugh at you. They won't think you're stupid. Therapists have heard everything.

If you want to have a good sex life in the future, you need to talk to your therapist. Chances are it won't be as simple as finding a loving partner and bam, your past is erased.
This is excellent advice!!!! Please please do as bobert suggests. He is well versed in what can happen when you ignore sexual abuse. Your therapist can and will help if you let him/her know what’s been going on. If you don’t, you will most likely have trouble with your next partner even if he is a good, loving partner.

Your story is very sad but unfortunately not unique. Get help so you can enjoy the rest of your life!!!!

*hugs*
 

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Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...

But I have so many questions, and maybe a slight need to feel validated, like maybe I don’t know much about sex but this was wrong and maybe not entirely my fault for not liking it.
If your husband loved you and cared about you, he would have picked up on the fact that sex is painful for you. If you have told him that and he still doesn't care to try and help address this problem, then that makes this problem ten times worse.

A common problem is that some people may really like sex and masturbate a lot (including females), but get upset with their spouse (about finances or something normal) and then struggle with feeling resentment come time to be intimate with one another. Situations like that can make it impossible to get aroused with a spouse and sex almost comes to a complete stop (perhaps once a month or less). That is what a sexual problem looks like in a normal relationship. Under no circumstances does the person that wants sex just keep insisting it has to happen when the other is experiencing both emotional and physical discomfort. The person wanting sex will insist on solving problems in the relationship so that sex can naturally resume.

As a matter of fact most men will refuse pity sex. This is when a wife is not in the mood but will say, "just do what you need to do and make it quick!" This is because in a marriage sexual intimacy is something that should be enjoyable for both, and when one struggles it causes both to struggle and not be able to enjoy anything.
 

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I am a pro-sex guy, but absolutely you should be saying NO to this scumbag every damn day. The only two by fours I have are for your selfish, abusing hopefully STBXH.
 
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