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i heard this from my wife the other day. i asked her why of course. if i because i was a bad father. she said no. i was a great father. if i was a bad husband, she said no. i was a good husband.
so why?:scratchhead:

apparently because im not "nice"
i asked her what she meant by that. i donate, im fair with people i think.
she said "because i dont like anyone. im just not nice to anyone".

you guys get this too?

i asked a friend (who in her mind i must not be nice too???).

he says it must be a ploy. And that his wife says he isnt "nice " either.
:scratchhead:

Other thing i have heard from her is me not a "family man". which i dunno. i do support the family. i spend time with them. i dont know.,

But i drive home today from work. im looking around. i have to admit i never envisioned my life would end up this way. wife, kids, house in suburbia, we have have the dog. suv is basically nothing but a station wagon. so out of work, i come in the house, sons loud, yelling, this and that, he is young. i get this. baby is crying. And she is smiling and walks up and gives me a kiss.
And all i kept thinking, was how did this all happen?
i was the one that i always thought would end up single and living in a condo. i had a maid when i met her. i had a sportscar. Now there is a suv in the driveway. i lived in vegas. now in in suburbia with a white picket fence.
This was my idea of hell growing up. i envisioned hell as a house in suburbia with a picket fence and a station wagon.
it isnt a money thing, we arent poor. It is a lifestyle thing.
Maybe this is what she meant, by me not being a "family man". Maybe that side of me shows through. Maybe the excitement in my voice she hears over going somewhere, or being away from the suburbia house, is really something she caught on to i didnt. Is there a chance she can hear dread in my voice when i say im coming home?
Is this how some guys, just one day go out for a gallon of milk, and are never seen again?
it has me thinking. Even my mother said she was shocked i settled down. Happy, but shocked. she didnt envision me or me even being capable of this type of life. i hated the suburbia american family thing. The idea of the american dream was my idea of hell.
it has me thinking.....
 

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Discussion Starter #2
and yes. i did tell my wife this. My thoughts. her only answer was "im a damn good wife to you, i try very hard to make you happy. you should have thought of all this before you stuck your **** in me and got me pregnant with the first kid, or the second, or the third."
kind of hard to argue with that.

I think part of it is her, and some of our spats, i think most of it is me. In fact 99 percent of this, is me. this isnt my first time around on this. last time i took a vacation from the family for a couple months. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances on me taking some time away but i still saw them. just didnt live with them. I actually moved into another property for a while and still saw them, had intimate relations with the wife. Just didnt live with them. Also about nine years ago, i kind of shut down on my wife. blocked her out. i think i was close to bailing then. But i didnt.
i never actually bailed, i made sure she and child or children were supported. Still paid the bills. i just seem to have a problem with the entire thing itself to some degree. I used to go on vacation back to vegas by myself. Without the family. Looking back on that, i guess that would appear odd. i just would get the urge to be back there.
Maybe it is obvious, written all over me and she just looks at me and knows it. Maybe i dont have to explain a thing to her.

you guys ever go through this?
 

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Paying the bills alone does not a good husband make.

I never thought I would be married either; I envisioned being a single woman who dated a lot but never married. Now I am wearing rings, my last name has changed and I get excited about recipes.

Your wife likely feels that you are not truly committed to the family and that's why she thinks you are not nice. It is pretty selfish to "take a two month vacation" away from your family just because of your own needs. I wouldn't put up with my husband going to Vegas alone or living apart from me. That is not what marriage is and maybe your wife thinks that you are setting a bad example for your sons.

How old are you? Could this be a midlife crisis? I don't think you are being very fair to your wife or your kids. Your actions are sending the message that you cannot be trusted not to bail on them just because you feel like pretending you're a bachelor.

What made you change your mind about marriage and fatherhood?
 

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36. could be a midlife crisis. But that would mean i visited it at 26, 29, and 36. i keep getting back there......
i didnt choose to have a family. it happend. i dont regret it, but i think i honestly feel kind of like a fish out of water with the entire thing. Like i dont quite fit. square peg, round hole.
i probably harbor some resentments as well, and maybe never quite settled down. appeared to settle down, but maybe i really never quite accepted it...:scratchhead:

Really has nothing to do with my wife and kids, i love my wife and kids, more of a square peg, round hole situation...:confused:
 

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Of course you knew that unprotected sex could easily result in a baby right?

What made you decide to marry your wife if you knew you didn't want this life?

Did you get married because she was pregnant?

Who do you resent?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
im a little schizoid too, and prior military. i think i commented on here before im kind of like being with plant. I naturally am detached. Just am. My entire family is that way, raised that way, personality and i have no doubt being in the service made it worse. I do make efforts in family things. But maybe she just sees it.
And i get bored quick. like real quick.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Of course you knew that unprotected sex could easily result in a baby right?

What made you decide to marry your wife if you knew you didn't want this life?

Did you get married because she was pregnant?First one. yes. Big part of it. And family upbringing.

Who do you resent?
i dont regret that though. right thing to do. And probably good for me. keep me straight and narrow. lol.
i think i resent being stuck with a station wagon and a house in suburbia with a picket fence though.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Think im going to go get a stiff drink before i decide to go the the store for a gallon of milk.

i need a drink.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
okay, drink in hand.
cant blame the wife. she is like the betty crocker perfect submissive wife. she has done a lot of things to test me, get my attention. Basically do things wrong to make sure i was still there and get me to react. But realistically, i was gone for a year once when i was in the service. well mostly deployed, i stopped in vegas after for a while before i came home. And as already said, there is more to being a husband than paying the bills. im not exactly easy to deal with. she is probably closer to mother teresa for being able to be married to me at all.
 

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Dutiful marriages rarely work out. They become a slow death trapped in a seemingly perfect life.

Nobody should get married because of family expectations. This is YOUR life to live and not your family's. You alone have to live your truth and you have not been honest with yourself.

Not coming home immediately after a year long deployment is a red flag. Weren't you excited to see your wife again?

Have you had any counseling for the schzoid PD?

What will be your next steps?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Dutiful marriages rarely work out. They become a slow death trapped in a seemingly perfect life.

Nobody should get married because of family expectations. This is YOUR life to live and not your family's. You alone have to live your truth and you have not been honest with yourself.

Have you had any counseling for the schzoid PD?

What will be your next steps?
no. i test high on schizoid and antipersonality with online tests. Younger i tested high end on antipersonality. had a issue in school and i had to take a psyche eval before i could go back in or i would have been expelled.. Well, that and my parents waving a lot of cash around to get me back in and threatening to sue. Yes, i was mean to someone and was almost expelled i went after another kid and chased the down the road till i caught them outside the school. so probably schizoid and antisocial. But they love that **** in the military so i didnt have a issue. Family life is a much different story.

next steps? dont know. finish my drink i guess.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
and yeah, i missed my wife. But after that round, i didnt want to see anyone for a while. i wasnt fit to see anyone for a while. i had to clear my head. it wasnt a good year.
 

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There's your answer,
I naturally am detached. Just am. My entire family is that way, raised that way, personality and i have no doubt being in the service made it worse. I do make efforts in family things. But maybe she just sees it.
And i get bored quick. like real quick.
You may be in attendance with the family, at events, and do all the things that dad's and husband's do ... but from your wife's perspective, you aren't 'present'.

You aren't engaged, involved, invested in those things.

I'm just guessing. But given what you've outlined, it obviously is working for the both of you.
 

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short answer

marriage is not for most men let alone most people. Its something that people should really think over. Most are not capable of being happy in a marriage its something they force upon themselves and their own actions merit their happiness in life. Nobody else to blame but yourself you alone can change things and decide where your mind is for that day and life.
 

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and yes. i did tell my wife this. My thoughts. her only answer was "im a damn good wife to you, i try very hard to make you happy. you should have thought of all this before you stuck your **** in me and got me pregnant with the first kid, or the second, or the third."
kind of hard to argue with that.
Well maybe, just maybe a little more thought about the consequences and responsibilities of children might have been advisable.
But I don't think many of us men think with our big head when our little head takes over.
And I'm sure your wife was a more than willing participant in proceedings.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
There's your answer,


You may be in attendance with the family, at events, and do all the things that dad's and husband's do ... but from your wife's perspective, you aren't 'present'.

You aren't engaged, involved, invested in those things.

I'm just guessing. But given what you've outlined, it obviously is working for the both of you.
probably what it is. i never pretended to be the perfect family guy either. Never said i would be. I try. She would actually probably do better with a man more needy as well, so she feels needed. There are needy men out there, i just dont happen to be one of them. But for her to do that she wouldnt be allowed to be the submissive codependent. Guess i cant have it all, and she cant either. Someone who is needy wouldnt be taking care of her and she wouldnt have this life. Granted, she might have more of the family man she wants, but she could end up with a dead beat to so who knows.

From the sounds of it, it isnt just me who runs into this. i get the feeling from the responses i may be one of the norm. Thankyou. You are probably all right to varying degrees.
 

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If you get in your head that you need to be "nice" you're screwed. This is what women tell you to be and then when you are they lose interest in you. Don't fall for it.

This forum is filled with "nice guys". And about the kids, mum always try to make them into perfect "nice" guys. Who then get screwed over by not so nice people. Try not to let that happen.

That little insecurity your wife is displaying, saying you're not a "family guy" when you clearly are in your mind is very likely that horrible intent to tame her men. Problem is, if she succeeds then you lose value.

Counter-intuitive as it is you should not allow your wife to re-engineer you! Remember that women have plenty of nice guys around. Yet she choose you! This wasn't an accident. Don't become the guy she didn't choose.

That doesn't mean that you should not act married and as a family man. It means you should be more besides that.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Maybe she can see you're not really happy in your life and she's hoping things will be different for her sons.
except you. But thanks for the reply.By her tone, she isnt concerned about my sons being happy. She is concerned they will be detached ****heads and not family oriented men.
Perhaps she wants to emasculate them at a young age to help their future wives. She is already telling our three year old son all about being "nice". But then again he throws things, would stab you with a fork or hit you over the head and isnt very nice so.....
He doesnt listen to her anyway half the time. None of the kids really do. i actually dont either. so no one really listens to my wife in the house. in some ways her life does suck i suppose. Could be another thing that frustrates her. She says "my kids" just wont listen to her. That is how i know she is having a bad day when they are my kids and not our kids. or she will say "you need to deal with your kids i cant do it they wont listen to me".

Apparently im not a family guy but im a scary enough father figure to keep the children in line.
 

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Perhaps she doesn't want the kids growing up thinking its okay to bail on the family as long as you "pay the bills". That would not be acceptable to me, and it almost appears as if you are building a walk away wife.

I am guessing you are completely okay with her deciding she wants to bail, and you just come home to a note stating "best wishes with the children, I will be back when I feel like it"??
 
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