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The medical condition part is genuine. I was the one who took her around hospitals. She was allergetic to weather of the city i worked in.

What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.

What are my options. I feel i will only feel more pathetic if i confront her because she will not just justify her actions but also will make feel like crap and blame me.

If i emotionally disconnect with her and live in same house, its like a living in a dead house without emotions. How long can i live like that?

I dont think i want separation but cant continue like this either.

If i turn a blind eye and never see her mobile, everything will be good. I will never feel she is emotionally involved with someone else. Or may be the refusal of intimacy and not giving me time were are all symptoms i ignored. I dont know anymore
The problem is that your wife does not respect you and is behaving very badly - and you have allowed it for years.
The problem is that you have been too weak, timid, afraid, passive or whatever, to set / enforce basic behavioral expectations with your wife.
The problem is you.
Why have you tolerated this behavior for so long?
 

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How could i divorce her? On what ground? Because she had to move to another city as her health was bad? Couldnt do that. Didnt even think.

She clarified that the ice-cream guy is a women not man
Nobody can help a man whose wife leaves him after 6 months of marriage and keeps him as a wallet for 11 years, and you’re back for more while she dates other guys and goes into a rage to put you in your place whenever you whimper a little at her Shenanigans.
Good luck,
I’m unable to advise further.
Your wife treats you as you have trained her to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #63 ·
The problem is that your wife does not respect you and is behaving very badly - and you have allowed it for years.
The problem is that you have been too weak, timid, afraid, passive or whatever, to set / enforce basic behavioral expectations with your wife.
The problem is you.
Why have you tolerated this behavior for so long?
I did not know, as i was not living with her. I always felt that whatever time and affection she genuinely gives is what i should value and not try to probe or restrict her in anyway. But i was wrong
 

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Discussion Starter · #64 ·
Today i had a talk. She was going hyper at the very idea of talking to a therapist. I told her that a healthy marriage needs good communication. She refused. I assured her that the counsellor is off. Then i did tell her that she said such a big thing as looking for someone else and she didnt even try to talk it out. She said "who is the reason i said it". She was basically blaming me for asking about ice-cream date. I accepted its my fault but if she doesnt even bother to clear the air, i will have to consider all possibilities such that you already cheated me or planning to cheat me. She ddidnt say anything. And then i told her that i want our marriage to be happy and last forever and asked her if she wants the same. She doesnt say anything. So i told her that i cant ask something and answer it myself. So she said yes and started throwing a few kitchen utensils. And then when i was discussing, she said "break the relation, break it, am not dependent on you". I cooled her down and after a while asked her "did you cheat me?". She just froze and didnt say anything. Instead asked me why am asking. I said you are the one who said you wanted to look for someone else. She asked "who is responsible for making me say it?". I said its me, am responsible but what you said is not a small thing. Thats why am asking.

If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. Am really confused
 

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Today i had a talk. She was going hyper at the very idea of talking to a therapist. I told her that a healthy marriage needs good communication. She refused. I assured her that the counsellor is off. Then i did tell her that she said such a big thing as looking for someone else and she didnt even try to talk it out. She said "who is the reason i said it". She was basically blaming me for asking about ice-cream date. I accepted its my fault but if she doesnt even bother to clear the air, i will have to consider all possibilities such that you already cheated me or planning to cheat me. She ddidnt say anything. And then i told her that i want our marriage to be happy and last forever and asked her if she wants the same. She doesnt say anything. So i told her that i cant ask something and answer it myself. So she said yes and started throwing a few kitchen utensils. And then when i was discussing, she said "break the relation, break it, am not dependent on you". I cooled her down and after a while asked her "did you cheat me?". She just froze and didnt say anything. Instead asked me why am asking. I said you are the one who said you wanted to look for someone else. She asked "who is responsible for making me say it?". I said its me, am responsible but what you said is not a small thing. Thats why am asking.

If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. Am really confused
I'm really confused.
She does bad.
You confront.
She huffs and puffs.
She avoids to talk.
You take the blame and put your head back in the sand.

How do you think this is going to end?
How is this working out for you?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Go back to post one and read everything you posted.
It's basically the same thing over and over.

At some point YOU will have to figure out why YOU are in this predicament and why YOU choose to remain like this.


If anybody else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me
Then why do you allow her to hurt you?
This is on you.
 

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She answered your question she is/was cheating....you don't have to be a mind reader to understand her non verbal language...i would tell her that i am going to speak with an attorney and discuss my options and tell her if she wants to save this marriage she batter grow up and figure out what she wants...sorry brother but you have to do this
 

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If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. Am really confused
Nothing to be confused about Dawg; she likes the situation as its been, with you gone most of the time and her free to bang other guys. I've see y'alls type relationship often among military couples where the husband is deployed and the wife is free to do as she pleases. She is miserable and goes nuts when he gets back because she has to revert back to being a ordinary wife with an ordinary husband. So of course she'd rather break the relationship than have you crimping her style. You've got some choices to make my man. If you want to stay in the marriage, just tell you not to have any friendly Henrys warming up you bed hours before you arrive.
 

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I guess OP lost his balls long time ago and is not longer able to get them back.

I guess thst he will live the merry-go-round, over and over without actually doing anything. Can't help those that don't help themselves.
 

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OP you've interpreted your consideration for your wife's needs and freedoms as your greatest act of love for her, and yet - look what's happened to her respect and love for you as a consequence.

You've been misguided.

In my younger days I did these sorts of "unselfish" acts of human kindness and love for a girlfriend of mine. Gave her a place to stay to get away from her abusive parents, paid her rent for a bit, got her on her feet, encouraged her education and independence, and soothed her fears. In the end she despised me. All SHE wanted in her heart was a passionate, present sex partner who took what he wanted. The human kindnesses were forgotten.

I don't know what your wife wants exactly, I can't read her mind, but it's not what you're delivering. The irony being, you keep doing it for HER.
 

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We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.

Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.

There is a guy, her collegemate who proposed to her while in college. Thats ok. But again about 5 years back after we have a kid and he has 2 kids, he expressed his regret for not marrying my wife to one of his friends. That friend told my wife and she shared it with me. I politely told her to avoid the guy who proposed. She said she asked him and he said sorry.

A week back she was no where to be seen in the house and finally found her on terrace talking to someone. On asking who it is, he told the name of the same guy's wife. On asking a followup question, it was clear she was lieing to me. My wife is a glib lier and lies day in and day out but white lies i thought. Never once i thought she would lie to me. But she did.

Today morning i accidentally saw her phone and found that she has a ice-cream meetup with one guy or a group, her students. The guy has DP holding a 3 year old boy. Her students are grownup men, sometimes married but she uses "dear" to everybody, lots of emojis and talks like she absolutely adores them, to all grownup men. I told her that as a teacher she can talk respectfully and no need to show so much affection to grownup men. But she defends it saying her teacher used to address her as dear in school and thats why she is doing it. In school she was a kid, these men are not kids. One of them proposed to her, yet she contiues.

I blindly beleived my wife to be way innocent and honest as she has been telling me all this. I thought, if she wants to cheat, she doesnt have to tell. But last few weeks its clear that she has been continuing to flirt and even planned ice-cream meet and was so apologetic and effectionate to tell the other guy for not being able to come and will plan again. It is now clear that she has not been telling me everything and now i dont know what is what. I still cant say she is physically involved but she chose to delete conversation daily but not change her behaviour. I see no point in talking to her about this because am certain she will only justify it as normal and nothing and might even go frenzy and throw things apart as if i said something wrong.

Once in a while she feels sad that whoever thinks a lot about her(me) they get separated from her. I used to tell her why would i go anywhere. Now i dont know.

Someone please tell me what is happening.
When you say one of them 'proposed' what exactly do you mean? He proposed sleeping with her?
 
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