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Honestly, i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.

I went to a thearapist. He refused to say anything with certainty. He asked me to fill a form and bring my wife. I have zero interest in going for counsellung with her because she will justify and i cant bear it.

Also, today i mentioned going to counseller, she questioned me the purpose of it.

I asked the counseller to tell me what is happening. He didnt, thats why i found this group and posted and you guys gave me a lot more inputs than that therapist did after paying a lot of money. All he seemed to be interested in was more money, more time and he clearly indicated reconciliation.

He was asking me to focus on my wife's well-bring, like i did anything else all my married life.
Get rid of your therapist.
 

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She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.

But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved.

I didnt abuse her, didnt call her names, didnt say she cheated on me. Back then(5 months back), i only told her that she might have taken emotional support in my absence and I understand but i didnt like it. I aslo asked in the conversation, a bit harshly if they had been texting regularly and talking. Thats it, she brought down the roof back then and almost did it today also.

I apologized for evrything, took responsibility for everything and put an end to it.

Today she told me that 5 months back she decided to look for emotional support from anybody else as i am "useless".
I ruined my life for her and our kid, suffered in loneliness, i dont get the love any dad would get from his daughter(as i was not present all these years), i had been totally committed, i have put her ahead in everything. I gifted her a beautiful villa. I bought her a car better than mine. I always encouraged her to meet friends and be happy. The only reason for my existence was to care and provide for my family.

And am "useless".

That worthless student continuously flirting with my wife is her source of support.

Am not even supposed to ask if i feel bad.

It is not 10 years of separstion, 11. Yes, i was totally in love with her. Still am, but today i realized, thanks to her reaction and all inputs from this group, that she has to earn my love. I shouldnt and need not make everthing all about her and her happiness. She cares about me for sure. But i never ask her anything. I expect nothing. Of course she does the cooking, but i cook too. She runs errands at home and i go for supplies and all. May be i dont share equal work but i do share. And i do take lions share of her intellectual work. Whatever degree and research she has, its 70% my work. I didnt sleep for days to finish her work so that she can progress in her career, because i know how much it means to her. I paused my career change plans for a month and gave precedence to her work.

Yet, i am "useless".

Today, i lost it.
Bud, wake-up. This is blame shifting. Very common.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
She is playing you like a violin.
 

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i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.

Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.

But now i feel am taken for granted. I dont drink, or smoke or spend a penny unnecessarily while spend for anything and everything my wife or kid needs.

Nothing, absolutely nothing made any difference to her when she said am "useless".

Enough. Let her find her emotional support from whomever she wants. If he needs anything from me, she has to ask and earn it. Am not free. She doesnt own me that i do everything for her and then get called "useless".
Sometimes when you do too much you get taken for granted.
Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s helped many. You need it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
I can’t wait to hear about the health reason you’ve been separated for 11 years., That’s crazy. Accepting her having dates with other men. Crazier than that. Do you live with her now? You’ve supported her for 11 years and seen her once a month all that time?
I didnt accept her dates. I told her politely that i dont like it and she goes wild as if i said something wrong.

Yes, from past 8 months, i live with her
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
Sometimes when you do too much you get taken for granted.
Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s helped many. You need it.
This is absolutely, 100% true. I feel she doesnt value 1 bit what i have done for the family while i suffered silently.

Thanks for the book, will read it today itself.
 

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I thought she saying "i wish you had an affair" speaks for her pure heart and bottomless love for me and made me feel even more deep in her love.
Give me a break. If you had an affair, it would somewhat level the playing field and she'd feel less guilty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
I didn’t catch that.
They’ve been separated for 11 years and he’s basically had no relationship with “his” daughter over allergies. That’s nifty.
We had been separated because of her allergy to coastal weather. Daughter stayed with her, and would see me once a month. So the bond never established like it would be for a regular dad and daughter. I did and do everything for my daughter. But all she wants is mom and I dont blame my daughter. She is just a kid.
 

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Allergy to coastal weather, or an allergy to you? Why didn’t you move to where she was? No job?
How is your love life the last few months?
Is there such a thing as an allergy to the weather?

you do realize that your relationship is pretty bizarre, right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 ·
Allergy to coastal weather, or an allergy to you? Why didn’t you move to where she was? No job?
How is your love life the last few months?
Is there such a thing as an allergy to the weather?

you do realize that your relationship is pretty bizarre, right?
The allergy is real. She tried to stay with me multiple times but it was horrible allergy. I took her to hospitals with no use. Finally in our home city, she was fine.

I have a job people would kill for. High paying, very respected position but sadly no operations in my home city. I kept preparing to do masters so as to make career switch, and the dad passwd away and i was caught in family issues. Finally it took me these many years to come out of all this, leave my job and move to where my wife stays. Am in the process of changing career now.
 

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This is absolutely, 100% true. I feel she doesnt value 1 bit what i have done for the family while i suffered silently.

Thanks for the book, will read it today itself.
It’s short and has helped many. Good luck. You can’t fix her but you need to be the best you can be.
I suspect once you open your eyes you may not like what you see. You only need enough for you.
Nothing else really matters. Many just can’t make a decision and stay bound.
 

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Before you speak with her speak to a lawyer to see what divorce looks like. More importantly learn what precautions you need to take to protect yourself.

She is not going to leave you. You are a possession and a punching bag. She will also not admit to anything.

You will not be able to implement much less enforce any boundaries on her and her interactions with other men.

If you want to part ways it will have to be on your initiative. You will not be discarded unless there is a better upgrade willing to keep her.

If you do choose to leave her you should exercise care and caution because she will turn combative. Your departure in any form will represents a loss of control that she will find unacceptable.

Find a separate residence. Quietly move out - while she is at work or away for several hours. Have her served with divorce papers. Really won't matter how she learns of the divorce or how diplomatic you choose to be. She will turn angry and combative because she has lost control over you and the situation.

Conversation, reason, therapy are all useless avenues when dealing with an individual like your wife. She cannot be reasoned with. Her way or no way.
 

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The allergy is real. She tried to stay with me multiple times but it was horrible allergy. I took her to hospitals with no use. Finally in our home city, she was fine.

I have a job people would kill for. High paying, very respected position but sadly no operations in my home city. I kept preparing to do masters so as to make career switch, and the dad passwd away and i was caught in family issues. Finally it took me these many years to come out of all this, leave my job and move to where my wife stays. Am in the process of changing career now.
What’s the diagnosis on the allergy? What is she allergic to?
So you’re saying you saw a woman 12 days a year and gave up your dream job to live with her? How’s that working for you? She’s having ice cream with other men who are proposing to her?

You’ve made some poor choices.
should have divorced 11 years ago.
 

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Sometimes people use the threat of suicide to manipulate and shut down the conversation.
If she ever threatens suicide, immediately call the police (who are trained to deal with it). Let the professionals determine if she's a threat to herself.

You both should read and discuss: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

It'll provide you both with the information (research and experience of others) you need to discuss her behavior.
 

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Thanks a lot for these inputs. Thanks for making me think about what i want, and the boundary issues. This helps me makeup my mind. Really grateful to everyone for the inputs.

Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.

You are abaolutely right that she built a life while i suffered inexplicable loneliness. I always felt that she never empathized with my loneliness even when i brought it up. All she would say in a well-meaning way is "i wish you had an affair so that you wouldnt suffer like this". But then she would be jealous even if there is 1 girl in a team of 6 along with me for an adhoc presentation. She wont express much but crystal clear in few words "oh, there is a girl in team".

I thought she saying "i wish you had an affair" speaks for her pure heart and bottomless love for me and made me feel even more deep in her love.

I feel the same even, now but after seeing that she is still in touch and such jubiliation speaking to that same guy, am feeling it would be better to hear a 3rd person perspective on how i processed all of it.
It speaks of her being guilty of it, she would not feel as bad if you had been screwing around also.
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
What’s the diagnosis on the allergy? What is she allergic to?
So you’re saying you saw a woman 12 days a year and gave up your dream job to live with her? How’s that working for you? She’s having ice cream with other men who are proposing to her?

You’ve made some poor choices.
should have divorced 11 years ago.
How could i divorce her? On what ground? Because she had to move to another city as her health was bad? Couldnt do that. Didnt even think.

She clarified that the ice-cream guy is a women not man
 
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