Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 40 of 71 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.
You have drifted apart too much, she is clearly better placed with all her men-students, you are alone and have no one. Just begin the separation process and start looking after yourself
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,116 Posts
I would ask a trusted friend or family member to be there with you or in the next room while you discuss this with her. If she acts out, you’ll at least have a witness in case she wants to come up with a different version of events, and/or for your own safety.
False domestic violence claims happen here regularly. You’ve been warned.
One guy here didn’t listen. He ended up handcuffed and taken to jail.
An ounce of prevention goes a long way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.

Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.
Most of the things you're questioning, you've answered yourself. What you wrote above is a good example.

She's abusing you, emotionally, financially, psychologically. It's hard for you to see because you don't think the way she does, and you actually care for her.

But if YOU did the things to her as she is doing to you, would you say she would be right to divorce you? Of course you would.

Reverse the scenario and tell yourself what advice you would give. I think you're seeing things through a loving, naive filter, but you know the truth; she's an abuser. It just hurts a lot to consider it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Forget the innocence part. Insert gaslighting.

I hope you find out more info sooner rather than later and view objectively.
Yesterday night i had the chance to see her mobile. She wrote nothing nasty but absolutely emotionally connected at a deeper level. That guy was texting her literally everyday.

In one conversation she was upset that he had cut the call abruptly. She wrote she doesnt like that behaviour and he went crazy apologizing like a lover and literally begging her to take his call. 20 messages straight back to back. I dont see her reply to it. Next message is where they both talk normal. May be she picked the call and sorted it out. Clearly no student-teacher relation.

Am not saying it went beyond what is there in chat but i was right about deeper emotional connect.

To be honest, that guy was relentlessly after my wife. She wasnt after him for sure but it is clear as daylight that he was neck deep into her and she knew it but didnt backout or warn him. Her replies are normal which is ok, but she mustve stopped talking when she knew he was behaving like madly in love. But when she talks to him, her body language and tone is completely different. So, this much is confirmed, she knew that that guy was madly after her and she chose to pretend she doesnt see it and of course continued to talk. A lot of chat is like he saying "i wana talk to you" and she is like "i will call later" or tomorrow. Sometimes straight calls may be.

But from the time i confronted her 5 months back when she went berserk on me, i dont see any messages between them.

There were a few messages where he says "mam, you forgot me".

There is this other guy, a young collegue to whom she is sending lots of smilies and trying to connect at an emotional level but that guy has been keeping a firm boundary. He didnt send a single emoji/smiley though my wife did.
In this case, that guy seems like a good chap. She is the one pushing the boundary.

Other than these two, i didnt find anything much. May be deleted chats. Whatever i saw is whats left after all this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
You are posting here for a reason, you've been dissatisfied with the way your wife is emotionally and/or inappropriately have been behaving toward other men in her professional setting, but it seems that you just want to keep justifying things in order to not take a decisive action towards getting to an end one way or another of the situation.

You have kept her blackmailing behavior towards you as the main excuse to do nothing, other than meekly and cheeky telling and asking her to stop, with the obvious threats of self harm coming from her to appease you. You want to know why she makes those threats? Because she knows that's the way to keep you put. She has you figured out. It is you who hasn't figured yourself out where and how you stand in this relationship. She's confy in that knowledge.

If you continue in this very same path, then she got it made, while you will continue to mulling to yourself the perceived grievances with no end result in sight. You've been given plenty of advice as to what and how to do it. Use that advice and JUST DO IT.

Stop with the explanations, justifications for those fears and act. Do something.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
You are posting here for a reason, you've been dissatisfied with the way your wife is emotionally and/or inappropriately have been behaving toward other men in her professional setting, but it seems that you just want to keep justifying things in order to not take a decisive action towards getting to an end one way or another of the situation.

You have kept her blackmailing behavior towards you as the main excuse to do nothing, other than meekly and cheeky telling and asking her to stop, with the obvious threats of self harm coming from her to appease you. You want to know why she makes those threats? Because she knows that's the way to keep you put. She has you figured out. It is you who hasn't figured yourself out where and how you stand in this relationship. She's confy in that knowledge.

If you continue in this very same path, then she got it made, while you will continue to mulling to yourself the perceived grievances with no end result in sight. You've been given plenty of advice as to what and how to do it. Use that advice and JUST DO IT.

Stop with the explanations, justifications for those fears and act. Do something.
Thank you. Makes a lot of sense. High time we talk about this and she sets boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.
She is being manipulative by threatening self harm and having fits. You are letting this control you. She is also projecting by being jealous of your female coworker while she’s flirty with her students. You have ceded control of your marriage to her. You are in one way or another a cuckold.

Your isolation was/is of your own doing and not your wife’s. You have lived this way in deference to your wife. Nevertheless, it was your choice. You get what you accept. Get some counseling to learn how to stand up for yourself and regain your worth in your own eyes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,760 Posts
I never probed. I let her be. In the 10 years we were apart, i have consciously isolated myself from my friends in the city i worked so that i should not develop comfort zone and be happy with my life in the absence of my wife and kid and so that i can work hard to change career. Finally after building the finaces and i took sabbatical i realized she has ample sources of emotional support and attachment while am the one who is lonely.
so you are claiming to be married to a woman you’ve been apart from for 10!yrs. dude.
That’s crazy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
so you are claiming to be married to a woman you’ve been apart from for 10!yrs. dude.
That’s crazy
She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.

But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved.

I didnt abuse her, didnt call her names, didnt say she cheated on me. Back then(5 months back), i only told her that she might have taken emotional support in my absence and I understand but i didnt like it. I aslo asked in the conversation, a bit harshly if they had been texting regularly and talking. Thats it, she brought down the roof back then and almost did it today also.

I apologized for evrything, took responsibility for everything and put an end to it.

Today she told me that 5 months back she decided to look for emotional support from anybody else as i am "useless".
I ruined my life for her and our kid, suffered in loneliness, i dont get the love any dad would get from his daughter(as i was not present all these years), i had been totally committed, i have put her ahead in everything. I gifted her a beautiful villa. I bought her a car better than mine. I always encouraged her to meet friends and be happy. The only reason for my existence was to care and provide for my family.

And am "useless".

That worthless student continuously flirting with my wife is her source of support.

Am not even supposed to ask if i feel bad.

It is not 10 years of separstion, 11. Yes, i was totally in love with her. Still am, but today i realized, thanks to her reaction and all inputs from this group, that she has to earn my love. I shouldnt and need not make everthing all about her and her happiness. She cares about me for sure. But i never ask her anything. I expect nothing. Of course she does the cooking, but i cook too. She runs errands at home and i go for supplies and all. May be i dont share equal work but i do share. And i do take lions share of her intellectual work. Whatever degree and research she has, its 70% my work. I didnt sleep for days to finish her work so that she can progress in her career, because i know how much it means to her. I paused my career change plans for a month and gave precedence to her work.

Yet, i am "useless".

Today, i lost it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #33 ·
i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.

Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.

But now i feel am taken for granted. I dont drink, or smoke or spend a penny unnecessarily while spend for anything and everything my wife or kid needs.

Nothing, absolutely nothing made any difference to her when she said am "useless".

Enough. Let her find her emotional support from whomever she wants. If he needs anything from me, she has to ask and earn it. Am not free. She doesnt own me that i do everything for her and then get called "useless".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,760 Posts
She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.

But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved.

I didnt abuse her, didnt call her names, didnt say she cheated on me. Back then(5 months back), i only told her that she might have taken emotional support in my absence and I understand but i didnt like it. I aslo asked in the conversation, a bit harshly if they had been texting regularly and talking. Thats it, she brought down the roof back then and almost did it today also.

I apologized for evrything, took responsibility for everything and put an end to it.

Today she told me that 5 months back she decided to look for emotional support from anybody else as i am "useless".
I ruined my life for her and our kid, suffered in loneliness, i dont get the love any dad would get from his daughter(as i was not present all these years), i had been totally committed, I gifted her a beautiful villa. I bought her a car better than mine. I always encouraged her to meet friends and be happy. The only reason for my existence was to care and provide for my family.

And am "useless".

That worthless student continuously flirting with my wife is her source of support.

Am not even supposed to ask if i feel bad.

It is not 10 years of separstion, 11. Yes, i was totally in love with her. Still am, but today i realized, thanks to her reaction and all inputs from this group, that she has to earn my love. I shouldnt and need not make everthing all about her and her happiness. She cares about me for sure. But i never ask her anything. I expect nothing. Of course she does the cooking, but i cook too. She runs errands at home and i go for supplies and all. May be i dont share equal work but i do share. And i do take lions share of her intellectual work. Whatever degree and research she has, its 70% my work. I didnt sleep for days to finish her work so that she can progress in her career, because i know how much it means to her. I paused my career change plans for a month and gave precedence to her work.

Yet, i am "useless".

Today, i lost it.
read what you write. It doesn’t take a phd to see what’s going on with you. You need to get to a therapist and find out why you’re willing to be a martyr for someone. Why you like to be abused. Why you are so naive and delusional.

you are not thinking clearly. She’s been using you for money and cheating for years.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,760 Posts
i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.

Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.

But now i feel am taken for granted. I dont drink, or smoke or spend a penny unnecessarily while spend for anything and everything my wife or kid needs.

Nothing, absolutely nothing made any difference to her when she said am "useless".

Enough. Let her find her emotional support from whomever she wants. If he needs anything from me, she has to ask and earn it. Am not free. She doesnt own me that i do everything for her and then get called "useless".
Dude, just divorce her and move on. Separating for 10 years after being married 6 months…… whatever is that other than a divorce? You are useless to her for anything except money. Can’t you see that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #36 ·
read what you write. It doesn’t take a phd to see what’s going on with you. You need to get to a therapist and find out why you’re willing to be a martyr for someone. Why you like to be abused. Why you are so naive and delusional.

you are not thinking clearly. She’s been using you for money and cheating for years.
Honestly, i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.

I went to a thearapist. He refused to say anything with certainty. He asked me to fill a form and bring my wife. I have zero interest in going for counsellung with her because she will justify and i cant bear it.

Also, today i mentioned going to counseller, she questioned me the purpose of it.

I asked the counseller to tell me what is happening. He didnt, thats why i found this group and posted and you guys gave me a lot more inputs than that therapist did after paying a lot of money. All he seemed to be interested in was more money, more time and he clearly indicated reconciliation.

He was asking me to focus on my wife's well-bring, like i did anything else all my married life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,037 Posts
Thanks for giving your thoughts. Am just scared how she will react. Am scared even to ask her why she is in touch with those guys we already discussed to avoid. I know what she will say "just talking once in 6 months is no harm".

I got your point. Am just speaking loud. Thank you
There is harm in her contacting them even every 6 months -- she promised YOU that she WOULD NOT do it. So, she is lying and breaking your trust. This is YOUR boundary and she doesn't care.
You should try to get a few voice activated recorders and leave them where you know she is talking to these folks so that you don't hear. I BET you will be very surprised at what she is doing, and NO, it's not good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,037 Posts
i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.
She IS cheating -- this is called an emotional affair -- that IS cheating. She is connecting and talking and sharing with other men that she SHOULD be doing with you.
You said it yourself. She is looking for a real relationship outside your marriage. You are just there to be a money provider and to provide the life she feels she is entitled to -- while SHE gets to act like she is single.
Let her be single and divorce her.
 
21 - 40 of 71 Posts
Top