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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.

Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.

There is a guy, her collegemate who proposed to her while in college. Thats ok. But again about 5 years back after we have a kid and he has 2 kids, he expressed his regret for not marrying my wife to one of his friends. That friend told my wife and she shared it with me. I politely told her to avoid the guy who proposed. She said she asked him and he said sorry.

A week back she was no where to be seen in the house and finally found her on terrace talking to someone. On asking who it is, he told the name of the same guy's wife. On asking a followup question, it was clear she was lieing to me. My wife is a glib lier and lies day in and day out but white lies i thought. Never once i thought she would lie to me. But she did.

Today morning i accidentally saw her phone and found that she has a ice-cream meetup with one guy or a group, her students. The guy has DP holding a 3 year old boy. Her students are grownup men, sometimes married but she uses "dear" to everybody, lots of emojis and talks like she absolutely adores them, to all grownup men. I told her that as a teacher she can talk respectfully and no need to show so much affection to grownup men. But she defends it saying her teacher used to address her as dear in school and thats why she is doing it. In school she was a kid, these men are not kids. One of them proposed to her, yet she contiues.

I blindly beleived my wife to be way innocent and honest as she has been telling me all this. I thought, if she wants to cheat, she doesnt have to tell. But last few weeks its clear that she has been continuing to flirt and even planned ice-cream meet and was so apologetic and effectionate to tell the other guy for not being able to come and will plan again. It is now clear that she has not been telling me everything and now i dont know what is what. I still cant say she is physically involved but she chose to delete conversation daily but not change her behaviour. I see no point in talking to her about this because am certain she will only justify it as normal and nothing and might even go frenzy and throw things apart as if i said something wrong.

Once in a while she feels sad that whoever thinks a lot about her(me) they get separated from her. I used to tell her why would i go anywhere. Now i dont know.

Someone please tell me what is happening.
 

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We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.

Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.

There is a guy, her collegemate who proposed to her while in college. Thats ok. But again about 5 years back after we have a kid and he has 2 kids, he expressed his regret for not marrying my wife to one of his friends. That friend told my wife and she shared it with me. I politely told her to avoid the guy who proposed. She said she asked him and he said sorry.

A week back she was no where to be seen in the house and finally found her on terrace talking to someone. On asking who it is, he told the name of the same guy's wife. On asking a followup question, it was clear she was lieing to me. My wife is a glib lier and lies day in and day out but white lies i thought. Never once i thought she would lie to me. But she did.

Today morning i accidentally saw her phone and found that she has a ice-cream meetup with one guy or a group, her students. The guy has DP holding a 3 year old boy. Her students are grownup men, sometimes married but she uses "dear" to everybody, lots of emojis and talks like she absolutely adores them, to all grownup men. I told her that as a teacher she can talk respectfully and no need to show so much affection to grownup men. But she defends it saying her teacher used to address her as dear in school and thats why she is doing it. In school she was a kid, these men are not kids. One of them proposed to her, yet she contiues.

I blindly beleived my wife to be way innocent and honest as she has been telling me all this. I thought, if she wants to cheat, she doesnt have to tell. But last few weeks its clear that she has been continuing to flirt and even planned ice-cream meet and was so apologetic and effectionate to tell the other guy for not being able to come and will plan again. It is now clear that she has not been telling me everything and now i dont know what is what. I still cant say she is physically involved but she chose to delete conversation daily but not change her behaviour. I see no point in talking to her about this because am certain she will only justify it as normal and nothing and might even go frenzy and throw things apart as if i said something wrong.

Once in a while she feels sad that whoever thinks a lot about her(me) they get separated from her. I used to tell her why would i go anywhere. Now i dont know.

Someone please tell me what is happening.
Forget the innocence part. Insert gaslighting.

I hope you find out more info sooner rather than later and view objectively.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I never probed. I let her be. In the 10 years we were apart, i have consciously isolated myself from my friends in the city i worked so that i should not develop comfort zone and be happy with my life in the absence of my wife and kid and so that i can work hard to change career. Finally after building the finaces and i took sabbatical i realized she has ample sources of emotional support and attachment while am the one who is lonely.
 

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We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.

Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.

There is a guy, her collegemate who proposed to her while in college. Thats ok. But again about 5 years back after we have a kid and he has 2 kids, he expressed his regret for not marrying my wife to one of his friends. That friend told my wife and she shared it with me. I politely told her to avoid the guy who proposed. She said she asked him and he said sorry.

A week back she was no where to be seen in the house and finally found her on terrace talking to someone. On asking who it is, he told the name of the same guy's wife. On asking a followup question, it was clear she was lieing to me. My wife is a glib lier and lies day in and day out but white lies i thought. Never once i thought she would lie to me. But she did.

Today morning i accidentally saw her phone and found that she has a ice-cream meetup with one guy or a group, her students. The guy has DP holding a 3 year old boy. Her students are grownup men, sometimes married but she uses "dear" to everybody, lots of emojis and talks like she absolutely adores them, to all grownup men. I told her that as a teacher she can talk respectfully and no need to show so much affection to grownup men. But she defends it saying her teacher used to address her as dear in school and thats why she is doing it. In school she was a kid, these men are not kids. One of them proposed to her, yet she contiues.

I blindly beleived my wife to be way innocent and honest as she has been telling me all this. I thought, if she wants to cheat, she doesnt have to tell. But last few weeks its clear that she has been continuing to flirt and even planned ice-cream meet and was so apologetic and effectionate to tell the other guy for not being able to come and will plan again. It is now clear that she has not been telling me everything and now i dont know what is what. I still cant say she is physically involved but she chose to delete conversation daily but not change her behaviour. I see no point in talking to her about this because am certain she will only justify it as normal and nothing and might even go frenzy and throw things apart as if i said something wrong.

Once in a while she feels sad that whoever thinks a lot about her(me) they get separated from her. I used to tell her why would i go anywhere. Now i dont know.

Someone please tell me what is happening.
Someone please tell me what is happening
What is happening is that your wife is almost definitely having affairs (emotional and/or physical), and if not, she is ripe for the picking.

You know this. You have known this for years but chose to stick your head in the sand and ignore the red flags.

What sort of medical condition causes someone to live apart from their spouse and father of their child for a decade?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
The medical condition part is genuine. I was the one who took her around hospitals. She was allergetic to weather of the city i worked in.

What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.

What are my options. I feel i will only feel more pathetic if i confront her because she will not just justify her actions but also will make feel like crap and blame me.

If i emotionally disconnect with her and live in same house, its like a living in a dead house without emotions. How long can i live like that?

I dont think i want separation but cant continue like this either.

If i turn a blind eye and never see her mobile, everything will be good. I will never feel she is emotionally involved with someone else. Or may be the refusal of intimacy and not giving me time were are all symptoms i ignored. I dont know anymore
 

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At the very least confront her, let her know your expectations with fidelity, and the consequences for her infidelity (separation), she can make the choice whether to start respecting your boundaries or not.

You can keep putting your head in the sand but it will never stop if you do. Meanwhile your wife is having an affair that you are fully endorsing with your inaction.

Up to you what to do. Personally I would separate without any option of reconciliation but that's just me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
At the very least confront her, let her know your expectations with fidelity, and the consequences for her infidelity (separation), she can make the choice whether to start respecting your boundaries or not.

You can keep putting your head in the sand but it will never stop if you do. Meanwhile your wife is having an affair that you are fully endorsing with your inaction.

Up to you what to do. Personally I would separate without any option of reconciliation but that's just me.
Thanks for giving your thoughts. Am just scared how she will react. Am scared even to ask her why she is in touch with those guys we already discussed to avoid. I know what she will say "just talking once in 6 months is no harm".

I got your point. Am just speaking loud. Thank you
 

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The 10 year separation was where you went wrong. You should have done more faster to move to be together again. While you became a hermit & lived an austere life, she built a life.

She does have boundary issues & you know she lied to you. She told you she stopped interacting with the one man but it turns out she is still in touch with him. The lying is bad.

You probably can stop her from having friends, even male ones, or calling her students "dear" so what do you want? What would be acceptable to you? Tell her what you need. If she won't meet you half way you need to consider divorce because she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks a lot for these inputs. Thanks for making me think about what i want, and the boundary issues. This helps me makeup my mind. Really grateful to everyone for the inputs.

Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.

You are abaolutely right that she built a life while i suffered inexplicable loneliness. I always felt that she never empathized with my loneliness even when i brought it up. All she would say in a well-meaning way is "i wish you had an affair so that you wouldnt suffer like this". But then she would be jealous even if there is 1 girl in a team of 6 along with me for an adhoc presentation. She wont express much but crystal clear in few words "oh, there is a girl in team".

I thought she saying "i wish you had an affair" speaks for her pure heart and bottomless love for me and made me feel even more deep in her love.

I feel the same even, now but after seeing that she is still in touch and such jubiliation speaking to that same guy, am feeling it would be better to hear a 3rd person perspective on how i processed all of it.
 

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Well if you're scare, that's that.
So let me ask you, scare of what? That she will leave you and leave you alone?
Well you have been alone for over a decade? What's to be afraid of? You're a grown man, I can't understand your fears, and rugsweeping your boundaries in order to appease her. That sounds like beta behavior to me.

As a man you need to understand your boundaries. If you let yours be pushed aside, then those are either not a boundary or you just don't have enough self respect or you just lack character.

She can do whatever she wants because she knows that there are not repercussions. You just beach and moan, but in the end you just let slide, again and again. Time to get your balls from wherever you left them and give an ultimatum: other man or you? Which If it were me wouldn't even do that. I would serve her with divorce papers. Actions speak louder than words.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
The 10 year separation was where you went wrong. You should have done more faster to move to be together again. While you became a hermit & lived an austere life, she built a life.

She does have boundary issues & you know she lied to you. She told you she stopped interacting with the one man but it turns out she is still in touch with him. The lying is bad.

You probably can stop her from having friends, even male ones, or calling her students "dear" so what do you want? What would be acceptable to you? Tell her what you need. If she won't meet you half way you need to consider divorce because she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.
The 10 years i worked like mad. I built financial muscle to leave job and change career. I wrote GMAT and got 740/800, GRE 330/340. I was looming to study in universities which dont have coastal weather she is allergic too. All did in these 10 years was to reunite with her.
 

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Ugh. You shouldn’t have to fear your wife. I would gain some legal advice and how an attorney would suggest you deal with it, that way if she starts acting erratically when you discuss all this with her, you’ll know how to deal with it. Sounds like your marriage is incredibly one-sided, you’re being used by your wife and she’s either having affairs or is considering it.

She’s jealous of other women being around you because she doesn’t have any boundaries and thinks you might not, too. Projection, in other words.

I would start with legal advice first and go from there. You’ll at least have a safety net in your mind. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of issues that she needs help with but unfortunately, many people don’t get help, they instead escape into affairs. You can pretend like this doesn’t bother you or stand up for yourself. I hope you choose the latter.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well if you're scare, that's that.
So let me ask you, scare of what? That she will leave you and leave you alone?
Well you have been alone for over a decade? What's to be afraid of? You're a grown man, I can't understand your fears, and rugsweeping your boundaries in order to appease her. That sounds like beta behavior to me.

As a man you need to understand your boundaries. If you let yours be pushed aside, then those are either not a boundary or you just don't have enough self respect or you just lack character.

She can do whatever she wants because she knows that there are not repercussions. You just beach and moan, but in the end you just let slide, again and again. Time to get your balls from wherever you left them and give an ultimatum: other man or you? Which If it were me wouldn't even do that. I would serve her with divorce papers. Actions speak louder than words.
Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I am not saying you were apart from her to slack off. I assumed it was that you sacrificed to better yourself & your family but 10 years is a long time. She built a life without you. This is the result.
I totally agree with what you said. I was just explaining that it took me 10 years to relocate to ensure my family doesnt suffer any financial issues.
 

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Send your kid to the friend's for a sleep over & then sit down with your wife.

Instead of attacking her behavior or demanding changes, make a nice dinner & talk to her about your desire to become closer again. Ask how she sees something like that playing out. Ask what she needs & wants. Talk to her about hurt her actions make you feel. Ask lots of questions. Don't make too many statements & see if that advances a better reconciliation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ugh. You shouldn’t have to fear your wife. I would gain some legal advice and how an attorney would suggest you deal with it, that way if she starts acting erratically when you discuss all this with her, you’ll know how to deal with it. Sounds like your marriage is incredibly one-sided, you’re being used by your wife and she’s either having affairs or is considering it.

She’s jealous of other women being around you because she doesn’t have any boundaries and thinks you might not, too. Projection, in other words.

I would start with legal advice first and go from there. You’ll at least have a safety net in your mind. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of issues that she needs help with but unfortunately, many people don’t get help, they instead escape into affairs. You can pretend like this doesn’t bother you or stand up for yourself. I hope you choose the latter.
Thanks a lot. It is now clear from inputs of all of you that business as usual isnt going to work. Thank you
 

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Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.
I would ask a trusted friend or family member to be there with you or in the next room while you discuss this with her. If she acts out, you’ll at least have a witness in case she wants to come up with a different version of events, and/or for your own safety.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Send your kid to the friend's for a sleep over & then sit down with your wife.

Instead of attacking her behavior or demanding changes, make a nice dinner & talk to her about your desire to become closer again. Ask how she sees something like that playing out. Ask what she needs & wants. Talk to her about hurt her actions make you feel. Ask lots of questions. Don't make too many statements & see if that advances a better reconciliation.
This sounds like a fantastic advice. Thanks a lot. I feel she will agree to what i ask but not like she understands what am asking is reasonable. She will sound like am asking unreasonable but she will still do it, like she is sacrificing. And i hate that behaviour.

But still, this is a great piece of advice. It makes to my list of cards. Thank you
 
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