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My "advice" is that there really is no advice to give. While the OP did a terrible thing by cheating, I actually think she is showing more courage than I ever did by leaving the marriage and being willing to tell her husband the truth about the affair. When I was a wayward I spent a lot of time listening to negative reinforcement about how awful I was, much of that was on forums like this. I took advice from other wayward spouses that told me the best thing to do was reconcile. Nobody ever bothered to ask me if I actually loved my wife. Years later a therapist did.

After years of false reconciliations initialized primarily because of guilt and because I thought I could "fix" myself, ultimatly all I did was cause more pain, and delay everyone including my own children from moving on. So I think the OP has it right. Tell her husband the truth and file for divorce. As for the AP, it might work out, or it might not. But I could say the same for any man that she decided to become involved with. If it doesn't work out, it certainly doesn't sound like the betrayed husband is a plan B. I don't think she wants him anymore. So basically I agree with the guy that says this is nothing more than your standard garden variety exit affair.
You are right. No one is disputing that it is an exit affair. These are cowardly, lacking in integrity. That is all that is being pointed out.
And, the odds of success may be impacted not only by the integrity of the two participants, but by the fallout. She may have familial disapproval, ex spouse resentment, and some stigma to deal with, as well.
In my XW's case, the kids hated the OM. Her family banned him from ever setting foot in their homes.
She had an honorable option, divorce. It is straightforward and simple. Mainly accounting. Yet, she chose this path. That speaks volumes.
 

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Dude, if you read my post carefully, I'm not absolving or justifying OP of anything, and I said so.
My point was towards the poster response to OP as an attack towards a person that is looking for help in this forum how to give her husband the news because the marriage is over. He didn't need to tell her all that finger pointing, Scarlett letter branding crap.

We should be giving advice to OP how to do just that, instead we are pontificating.
Folks vent, for sure. But, there may be value to her in hearing how abusive she is being. Usually, it falls on dead ears, though.
As far as this being gender specific, that women are chastised more than cheating men, I just do not see that in this forum or his post. Cheating men are excoriated here, regularly.
 

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As far as this being gender specific, that women are chastised more than cheating men,
Female cheater: Jezebel, who..re, bit*ch, skank, seductress, ****, tramp, harlot.

Male cheater: cheater.
Anything else doesn't even comes close to one of the adjectives for a female.

I didn't say that women get more chastised than men here at TAM, but in general, around the world, still to this day, specially in parts of the world, a woman cheats, to the stake. A man cheat, oh, he's just being a man.
 

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I am sure it had a big impact on my marriage and most of those things are true. How could it not.
We were not interested in each other back then and it just wasn’t an option with the circumstances I would have been 22 and younger. I will keep these things in mind though thank you.
You're in a bad marriage, so get out. That's all you need to do. Cut out the drama as much as possible.

Do NOT, however, assume your AP is going to be the same after this. Once he has you, he will find some things "inconvenient", like when you have to deal with your Ex, or when your daughter has to come first when he wants a date or sex. Remember, during an affair, you are not in a reality situation - he only gets to have you when you have escaped your real life. He doesn't have to share money with you, or time with your daughter, or chores. All that stuff gets in the way of this fantasy, real quick. Most people in affairs do not realize this.
 

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Female cheater: Jezebel, who..re, bit*ch, skank, seductress, ****, tramp, harlot.

Male cheater: cheater.
Anything else doesn't even comes close to one of the adjectives for a female.

I didn't say that women get more chastised than men here at TAM, but in general, around the world, still to this day, specially in parts of the world, a woman cheats, to the stake. A man cheat, oh, he's just being a man.
That's not just with cheating. Unfortunately, I think it has to do with the way women have been historically divided into basically two categories (''virgins'' or ''sluts'') since the dawn of time in societies all over the world, including the US. Men are given praise for have a high number of sexual partners, women are often still thought of in a negative light who have done the same, etc...

That said, I haven't seen men given passes on here (in general) when it comes to cheating. They're treated pretty equally as women, in terms of the responses and advice. Just my observation, anyway.

Back to the OT - I posted a few pages back OP, but hope that you're taking in all the advice. It may seem overwhelming, but we're trying to help you see that affairs rarely work out when they morph into actual everyday relationships. Because affairs are an escape from reality. Not saying you should stay in your dysfunctional marriage, but leaping to starting a new life with your AP may backfire, and your child is the one who is caught in the middle, here.

Anyway, good luck with your situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #248 ·
It clearly does. I’m a working mom and I couldn’t wait to get home to my kiddos. I still can’t and they’re teenagers. You must have been spending many precious mommy hours away from her and with your boyfriend. And if you think a 3 year old’s world can’t be disrupted you obviously know nothing about children. She won’t understand why she doesn’t get to see daddy everyday. Expect sleep and potty training regression. They just express themselves differently. And you’re willing to give her up half of the time! Your mothering abilities are questionable at best. You’re also willing to alienate your own family. That’s a lot of eggs you’re putting in one basket, which speaks to your level of immaturity. Beyond my own child, I would have never risked the pain I would have caused my own parents. If you really want to start doing things right, you’d move out on your own for a while, but you’re not even considering any of the advice from people here so I’m not really sure why you’re on TAM. The affair is done, the decision to leave has finally been made, so maybe it’s time to think about someone other than yourself and your own wants for just a little while. Hell, if you really cared about the fallout you’d skip the part about the affair, tell everyone you’re leaving because you’re unhappy and keep the affair secret for another 6 months after you leave. Of course that doesn’t work either because he deserves to know. Further, you say you plan on telling her someday. What if daddy is a great dad to her? You thinks she’s going to be okay with this when she’s 12? 16? If they have a good relationship she will always see you as a cheater. Someone as selfish and self centered as you probably isn’t going to be the best mom of an older kid either. She won’t always be 3. I’m going to take this one step further, although I’m talking into the wind. You keep saying your boyfriend is a good guy. If he truly were, he would have told you that you two need an honest start to your relationship, and told you he’d wait while you ended your marriage before anything happened. You could have planned your exit 8-10 months ago. Your ability to justify this is mind boggling. No one says you need to stay in a unhealthy marriage, but you’ve literally done everything the wrong way.
I understand where you are coming from and I should have done things differently. This did not affect my time with my daughter as much as you would think and I do 90% of everything for her. Most of the time she was in daycare where she would have been anyway. I know it will be a huge adjustment for her depending on how and what happens and I will be there for her. I love her and will always take care of her.

My family knowing is a huge thing I am dreading and it is going to be bad. I hope that when my daughter gets older she will understand more and that life is complex sometimes.

If I am waiting with divorce papers when my husband gets home it will most likely come out anyway. He isn’t going to accept it for no reason and would come out when we are arguing about divorce or separation.
 

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If he is an alcoholic who drinks every day, how is your daughter safe with him? Does he drive after drinking with her in the car? When you have left he may well have a lot of time alone with her. How can you make sure she is going to be safe ?

I would never ever take a young child away from her dad and move straight in with another man. Poor child is going to be so very confused. I would recommend at least a year in your own with her gradually introducing them to each other over that time.
It's funny how he's an alcoholic who she can't wait to get away from, unless she needs him to watch their small child while she has a date with her affair partner... SMH.

Hopefully her husband will have the foresight to insist that they do not introduce other partners to their child for a period of time for the welfare of the child. I've seen that period include all of the time before the actual divorce, and for a period of time after, maybe a year or so. That would put OP in quite a pickle. And if she disagrees, then suddenly she has a very expensive contested divorce on her hands. But as we've established above, what's best for her daughter takes a back seat position to what she thinks is best for herself, so maybe she doesn't care.
 

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Why would this be bad with your family. Isn’t it obvious that your husband is a drunk and that you need to get away from him? Or maybe he’s not as bad as you’re making him out to be? Also, they will see right through the fog that your head is in and see mr wonderful as being a scoundrel that pursued a married mother.

I’m not saying that you guys didn’t have issues but marital history revisionism is so common from WWs. You see how many threads are on CWI section of TAM? You start reading the threads and you see how often that line of justification takes place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #251 · (Edited)
Why would this be bad with your family. Isn’t it obvious that your husband is a drunk and that you need to get away from him? Or maybe he’s not as bad as you’re making him out to be? Also, they will see right through the fog that your head is in and see mr wonderful as being a scoundrel that pursued a married mother.

I’m not saying that you guys didn’t have issues but marital history revisionism is so common from WWs. You see how many threads are on CWI section of TAM? You start reading the threads and you see how often that line of justification takes place.
They know we have problems but I still had an affair and they know the man rather well so it isn’t going to be pretty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #252 ·
If he is an alcoholic who drinks every day, how is your daughter safe with him? Does he drive after drinking with her in the car? When you have left he may well have a lot of time alone with her. How can you make sure she is going to be safe ?

I would never ever take a young child away from her dad and move straight in with another man. Poor child is going to be so very confused. I would recommend at least a year in your own with her gradually introducing them to each other over that time.
He isn’t that bad during the week but if it gets worse or he is drunk I will have to do something and it will have to be something I keep an eye on.
 

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They know we have problems but I still had an affair and they know him rather well so it isn’t going to be pretty.
Your family knows through your words that you have marital problems? I find it hard to believe that you were telling your family about him being an alcoholic and they not being concerned for your safety, or bless your words don’t match with how he really is or maybe it’s just the way he is around them.

Either way, when they find out that you have been having an affair for the past YEAR, they will see that
1. He’s not a good guy
2. That your complaints about your husband were very likely exaggerated to justify your affair.

I know you already replied to her but you should really let @Teacherwifemom last post marinate in your mind. You really need to slow down this monkey branching that you’re so enthusiastic to do. If like Marty Mcfly he is your density, it will happen without being forced or rushed.
 

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It is probably going to be within the next couple of weeks I am just trying to figure out what to say to him.
what are you afraid of? His feeling? really
nothing going to change between now and then

be honest with him tonight and tell him you have been having an affair for the past 10 months - do not minimize because he will dig through information eventually and make the situation worse
 

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Female cheater: Jezebel, who..re, bit*ch, skank, seductress, ****, tramp, harlot.

Male cheater: cheater.
Anything else doesn't even comes close to one of the adjectives for a female.

I didn't say that women get more chastised than men here at TAM, but in general, around the world, still to this day, specially in parts of the world, a woman cheats, to the stake. A man cheat, oh, he's just being a man.
Actually, I see the opposite fairly frequently.
Man cheats, he is a dog, a pig etc.
Woman cheats, she was neglected, abused, needs not met, etc.
We must have vastly different experiences.
 

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If he is an alcoholic who drinks every day, how is your daughter safe with him? Does he drive after drinking with her in the car? When you have left he may well have a lot of time alone with her. How can you make sure she is going to be safe ?

I would never ever take a young child away from her dad and move straight in with another man. Poor child is going to be so very confused. I would recommend at least a year in your own with her gradually introducing them to each other over that time.
Delayed gratification and selflessness in regard to one’s own children are just two of many virtues that seem to always be missing in affair situations.

Of COURSE she cannot comprehend why she should wait to take up playing house with OM, she doesn’t have the ability to think of this child as anything else but an extension of her own ego.

“I want a pony and I want it now” mentality at its finest. Watch as she and OM start having more ego extensions right away to further justify how “right” they are, bringing more kids into this situation with broken people doing broken things.

Hurts my heart when people treat their own children like pets instead of nurturing and protecting them emotionally and physically.
 
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