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I am never going to trash talk my husband to our daughter.
Well, it's good that you say that. Unfortunately, I've seen it done in subtle ways and at the same time, the parent doing it denies they are disrespecting the other parent. It's usually the mother who undermines the relationship with the father. Maybe because mothers usually get custody. Maybe for other reasons.

Just think. You don't like your ex (or soon to be ex), which is why you are leaving him. You think the OM is great, which is why you are going with him. Try as you might, some of that attitude will go through to your child. Kids absorb that sort of thing by osmosis.

And you will try to encourage a relationship with your new husband (OM) and your child. We see all too often that the new man becomes the primary father figure and the child's real father becomes second tier. I think custodial mothers sometimes underestimate how much of a role they played in that happening.

It takes an extraordinary effort to encourage your child to keep their primary father relationship with the man you left for someone else. You left him because you felt the new guy was better, and some of that attitude has to show through to the child.

Family counseling may be helpful for the future.
 

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Might scare your daughter. My XW did this. My kids were really scared.
She will be going through a lot as it is.
Mine moved the AP in within a month of me leaving. My kids have absolutely no relationship with him, three years later. My 11 year son refers to him as a “piece of furniture”. I say this all with a tale of caution for OP’s future ‘unicorn and rainbow’ relationship with her AP. The kids are the ones who pay the price for their parents complete selfishness and lack of judgment and character.
 

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Discussion Starter · #203 ·
i don't see how you avoid coming out of this looking like anything but a monster. You really handled things poorly starting a new relationship while still in the old one. You really need to consider how admitting an affair( on your way out the door) is going to present you to friends, family and peers. It's hard to shed the stigma of the scarlet letter. Not many have any respect for a toddler's mom who is out banging her boyfriend while daddy is home babysitting.
It is going to be really bad with friends and family especially since my family knows him. I am hoping they come around eventually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #204 ·
Well, it's good that you say that. Unfortunately, I've seen it done in subtle ways and at the same time, the parent doing it denies they are disrespecting the other parent. It's usually the mother who undermines the relationship with the father. Maybe because mothers usually get custody. Maybe for other reasons.

Just think. You don't like your ex (or soon to be ex), which is why you are leaving him. You think the OM is great, which is why you are going with him. Try as you might, some of that attitude will go through to your child. Kids absorb that sort of thing by osmosis.

And you will try to encourage a relationship with your new husband (OM) and your child. We see all too often that the new man becomes the primary father figure and the child's real father becomes second tier. I think custodial mothers sometimes underestimate how much of a role they played in that happening.
The only thing I worry about is the alcohol use but throughout the week he doesn’t get that crazy. As long as he is good to her (he is) and he isn’t deep in his alcoholism I don’t care what he does.
 

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Nothing said here matters at all. It’s the Chlo94 world, everyone else including her own flesh and blood is just living in it.

I will just hold out hope for your poor kid that you wake up and stop putting them through your bad choices at some point. Life isn’t as simple as finding a new daddy, and blending families is way more difficult that you can even comprehend in the very best of circumstances. You simply do not have the life experience and healing from your personal issues to be in a healthy relationship, but I do hope that one day you will be a healthy person for your child who is getting the short end of the stick over and over.
 

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The only thing I worry about is the alcohol use but throughout the week he doesn’t get that crazy. As long as he is good to her (he is) and he isn’t deep in his alcoholism I don’t care what he does.
Well it's good that you are finally admitting what you really think of your husband. All the 'I still care about him' BS from earlier was pretty annoying, considering your adultery and plans to move yourself and your daughter in with his replacement tout suite.
 

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Discussion Starter · #207 ·
Well it's good that you are finally admitting what you really think of your husband. All the 'I still care about him' BS from earlier was pretty annoying, considering your adultery and plans to move yourself and your daughter in with his replacement tout suite.
I do care about him we just shouldn’t be together. I was just trying to say that I’m not going to trash talk him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #208 ·
Nothing said here matters at all. It’s the Chlo94 world, everyone else including her own flesh and blood is just living in it.

I will just hold out hope for your poor kid that you wake up and stop putting them through your bad choices at some point. Life isn’t as simple as finding a new daddy, and blending families is way more difficult that you can even comprehend in the very best of circumstances. You simply do not have the life experience and healing from your personal issues to be in a healthy relationship, but I do hope that one day you will be a healthy person for your child who is getting the short end of the stick over and over.
She is 3 and I think this will be better for her too long term.
 

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R
Exactly what difference would it make if we did or did not move in together immediately?
Because you are a MOTHER and you have a child who you are about to put through trauma. For the love of God can you be a mother FIRST? At least for a little while? What will your family think of this? Or were you kinda raised like this? SMDH.
 

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Honestly? Your cognitive dissonance kind of trumps his drinking. Then again, we know you're never going to be happy. The hots for the cheating filth you've decided to monkey branch to will soon get stale too... and on and on... from one branch to another... all the while blaming the world, the other person's character flaws, your personal circumstances (which you'll probably blame on someone else), et freaking cetera.
That's typical Red pill garbage, spewing out of your hateful post.

We as human tend to hypocritically point fingers, and mark with a scarlet letter other people, specially when it is a case of a woman cheating on her husband, like it is something so unatural for humans. NO IT IS NOT UNNATURAL for humans to cheat, because we are not a monogamous species. We never have, never will ever be a monogamous species.

What we have is social contracts to which we are supposed to adhere, but if you look at the history of mankind, we have never adhere too well to it, but with the exception of a percentage of the population.

In this particular case, OP is your typical exit affair case in order to have a clear cut out of the relationship. Lots of people do this instead of having the balls and the integrity of just ending the relationship first. At least OP is having the guts to come clean to end the relationship. No need for you and some others to burn her at the stake, while you use your pitchfork.
 

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She is 3 and I think this will be better for her too long term.
Yes I understand you have to find a way to sleep at night. What I’m telling you is from experience with step parenting and blended families, it’s not as easy as you think it is. You just refuse to face that what you’re doing could very well be the worst thing rather than the best for your kid.
 

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I think it was just worth the risk. I wouldn’t say he is fine with everything no and that is part of the reason we are taking this step. It has not been under ideal circumstances.
It is not really a risk issue but a moral one. Your husband done this man no wrong. Yet, he is a participant in abuse of your husband. Does this not concern you?
 

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i don't see how you avoid coming out of this looking like anything but a monster. You really handled things poorly starting a new relationship while still in the old one. You really need to consider how admitting an affair( on your way out the door) is going to present you to friends, family and peers. It's hard to shed the stigma of the scarlet letter. Not many have any respect for a toddler's mom who is out banging her boyfriend while daddy is home babysitting.
This was true for my kids, as well as my XW' s family. She lost their respect. I just do not think cheating is worth it, especially with divorce so readily available.
 

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He's likely to ask some direct questions. Don't lie, but don't necessarily answer his questions directly.

Q: Is he better than me?
A: It's different. Not better or worse. It's different.
Q: Is he better?
A: Not necessarily physically. That's not why this happened. I'm in a better mental head space when I'm with him, so THAT is better.

Make your answers about you, not about him or your AP, if you can. After all, this is really about you and your choices, it's not about the two of them.

You can expect to see some of the same vitriol hurled at you by those who've been betrayed and posted on this thread. Read through it a few times to prepare yourself and think about how you'd answer your husband if/when he asks.
 

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That's typical Red pill garbage, spewing out of your hateful post.

We as human tend to hypocritically point fingers, and mark with a scarlet letter other people, specially when it is a case of a woman cheating on her husband, like it is something so unatural for humans. NO IT IS NOT UNNATURAL for humans to cheat, because we are not a monogamous species. We never have, never will ever be a monogamous species.

What we have is social contracts to which we are supposed to adhere, but if you look at the history of mankind, we have never adhere too well to it, but with the exception of a percentage of the population.

In this particular case, OP is your typical exit affair case in order to have a clear cut out of the relationship. Lots of people do this instead of having the balls and the integrity of just ending the relationship first. At least OP is having the guts to come clean to end the relationship. No need for you and some others to burn her at the stake, while you use your pitchfork.
I see no red pill stuff, merely antipathy for cheating.
 

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He's likely to ask some direct questions. Don't lie, but don't necessarily answer his questions directly.

Q: Is he better than me?
A: It's different. Not better or worse. It's different.
Q: Is he better?
A: Not necessarily physically. That's not why this happened. I'm in a better mental head space when I'm with him, so THAT is better.

Make your answers about you, not about him or your AP, if you can. After all, this is really about you and your choices, it's not about the two of them.

You can expect to see some of the same vitriol hurled at you by those who've been betrayed and posted on this thread. Read through it a few times to prepare yourself and think about how you'd answer your husband if/when he asks.
So don’t lie, just lie. Got it.
 

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REDACTED. Quoted story from Private section

If he was such a great catch, why didn’t you get with him years ago? Because you had him in the friend zone. But like @oldshirt said, you now see him as a savior knight who’s going to take you away from your husband who you now have no tolerance for.

You’ve been romantically involved with this guy a year so it really has colored your memory of your marriage. Not saying your husband and you didn’t have issues but I’d bet you have been distant and cold towards your husband this past year. Don’t you think that impacted your husband? You don’t think there’s a possibility that the more you became attached to your great friend, that you were colder to your husband and that he may have started to act up? Thereby feeding the husband bad OM good narrative in your head?

These are just thoughts that you need to consider. You can go ahead and formerly blow up your family but I think that when real life hits and you’re in a real relationship with this guy, the shine both of you see for each other will start to tarnish. Knowing a guy or gal through an affair is completely different than knowing them in marriage. Throw in a kid, and potential baby daddy issues and that is a lot of negativity to overcome for a guy that was probably in your friends zone.
 
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