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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thank you universe for reminding me that there is no hope for us!

We have done the in house seperation for alittle over a month now and I was starting to think this is okay. No big arguments and we are going through our day to day stuff just fine. Maybe a new spark will start us up.

UNTIL last night happened!

My wife had made plans earlier this week with her boss to take our kids and her bosses kids to see a movie. Just my wife and 4 kids, fine thats cool right? It should be yes but my wife has a special way with things. See I was not invited, hint #1...which is fine because at this point I don't like to be in public with her, the public humiliation has just hurt to bad.(I'll explain that alittle more later)

The movie was at 7pm so I was to make sure the kids are all ready by say 6:30. I get the kids from school start dinner, homework, etc. Well we have all been sick so my daughter fell asleep on the couch around 5pm. I text my wife that our daughter is napping. She responds back freaking out to make sure I have them ready by 6pm?!? Weird thats kinda early.....this is feeling like something else is going on. Hint #2.

But I shrug it off and tell myself that I have to put my faith in her to make the right decisions. Well she gets here and she does not have her bosses kids with her and I question her where they are at. Hint #3. She made up some BS excuse and loaded our kids up and took off.

Whatever, shrug it off move on because I do not control her and she needs to make her own good decisions. Start cleaning up after dinner, drink a couple beers. Then I realize the 3 hints and put them together as a "something is just not right moment"? Well again I shrug it off and tell myself I am just paranoid.

They get home at 9pm and I put the kids to sleep, FB for a while and go to bed.

On to this morning, wife gets ready goes off to work. I am making the kids breakfast and remember the 3 hints and get the paranoid feeling again. So I say to my kids "so did you have fun at the movie, it was just you guys and bosses kids right"?.......:rolleyes:

Nope, she was there with her best friends husband and a couple of their kids. No bestfriend though. If you don't know my story she has a friend who she is BFF with to the point of EA. Maybe even PA with friends husband I don't know, it hurts but I just don't have it in me anymore to care.

AND on to the public humiliation, maybe to some this isn't humiliating but to me it is and we have discussed it and she could care less. I will do my best to explain...

When we are out in public together as soon as there is anyone else around she automatically puts me on the bottom of the list, won't acknowledge me at all until she needs something. No holding hands, hugs, kiss, no real show that we are together. If you didn't know us actually you probably wouldn't even guess that we are married. Example- We would go to Thanksgiving with her family, she would take off and I would be sitting with the kids and we would barely see her for the rest of the afternoon/night. It feels like she doesn't even want me/us there with her. It has always hurt and bothered me but as long as she showed me love sometime such as at home or when we jump in the car I seemed to be fine

UNTIL she met this friend that took over our alone time too and there wasn't any healing time anymore. She was always on the phone, texting, FB, at their house, whatever.

So some point in our relationship after the BFF was introduced to our life my wife started acting different, giving me the feeling that she was thinking the grass looks greener kinda thing comparing our life to theirs. Well I always felt alittle weird after that like something else was going on with my wife. There were little things here and there that made me more and more uncomfortable. A big one was at my daughters B-day party the BFF husband was basically eyeball fkn my wife the whole time.

Whatever I am done. I don't even think I can do this in house seperation anymore for the kids, I am pretty sure I don't love her anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Ugh Sometimes it takes me some time to sort through things but this is feeling like she was using the kids as a buffer to go on a date with him. FML...
 

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I am sorry to hear what you are going thru.Really.But had there been no kids involved,I would have really felt that you should not put with any nonsense and let her rott in hell by getting a quick divorce;

The STBX in my case did the same thing to me,always made others a priority but yes he did not show direct infidelity or may he did I am not aware;I do not care now;Let him rot in hell;

Take care of yourself and the kids;
 

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I'm still living with my stbxh and still have the same feelings you had up until she pulled this fast one.

She has some nerve getting the kids involved. Trust your gut, at least you can move on now.

You said that you didn't really care about what she did, well that's already a good sign of moving on because the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sorry.
Have you the BFF that her H is cheating on her?
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See thats another thing that I don't/can't understand, BFF is a hardass and I couldn't see her putting up with anything like this. I don't know if she is in denile or supportive but she does not seem to be bothered by this which makes me feel like I am overreacting?!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Here's another story.

This Halloween we met with BFF family and another family to trick or treat. During trick or treating as usual she completely ignores me and helps BFF and husband with their kids and I take care of our 5yr old daughter and help other friends with their 5yr old twin girls. We were alittle slower so the group drifts apart, wife and BFF family ends up further and further till we couldn't even see them.

They stop when we are almost finished to let us catch up. Kids decide to hit a couple more houses, other friends decide they are cold and want to take off. BFF husband decides to take their 2yr old back to their car to warmup. My wife decides that since she let other friends borrow a costume she better go get it and say bye so she takes off with or 5yr old to warm up in the car, thinking this is not right something is weird here. Me and BFF continue with a couple kids and hit a few more houses, I was just filled to the brim with wtf's so I tell BFF I am taking off. I get back to the cars and here is my wife standing in the car door with BFF husband chatting it up while my daughter is screaming her lungs out in the van because she is sooo cold.

AHHH it makes me soo livid!

So do I seem to be justified in some paranoia?
 

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Wait. She's having an EA with her BFF? And PA with the husband?
Are they having a three way relationship?

Why are you still living together? I feel bad for you but I just don't get how people can do this. You are obviously wanting things to work out and it's just going to hurt more seeing her move on. And you are right. She doesn't want to be around you. You are separated. I'm so confused. Why would she show you affection or attention if you are separated?
I don't know the whole thing sounds bizarre to me.
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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Wait. She's having an EA with her BFF? And PA with the husband?
Are they having a three way relationship?

Why are you still living together? I feel bad for you but I just don't get how people can do this. You are obviously wanting things to work out and it's just going to hurt more seeing her move on. And you are right. She doesn't want to be around you. You are separated. I'm so confused. Why would she show you affection or attention if you are separated?
I don't know the whole thing sounds bizarre to me.
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See thats just it I don't have any real evidence of a PA with husband just instances that are not right and make me feel like something else is going on. The EA is absolute but my wife just won't admit it.

Our home life is very complicated. In August I couldn't handle the confusion anymore of feeling wronged but being told by her it is OK and that I was wrong. I had started self treatment. Started reading books and reading here and found out that this is NOT right, she had me in such a deep fog and I was really really confused to the point where I thought I was going ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I knew deep down that this is wrong but her telling me I was the one that was wrong I was the bad guy had me just mentally wrecked.

September after being shown the light of truth from this site and reading marriage/self help books I told her I was considering divorce. She freaked and accused me of throwing her out to the dogs and that I was just like everyone else in her life that just threw her away. See she was a foster child and was adopted at one point but they ended up getting rid of her....plus a ton of other **** that happened. Very sad story for sure.....

Anyway I did start filing out the paperwork but have not finished yet because I was still working through all this and questioning if I was wrong in jumping into divorce. It's hard because she does need some very intense therapy and I know that and do care for her. And we do have two kids together.

So the Halloween thing instigated me moving into our freshly finished basement November 1st. So not a legal seperation yet just physical/emotional seperation.

And the public ignoring has always happened in the entire 8yr relationship, it just escalated to a new level these last couple years since she met BFF.
 

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Here's a hint for cheating wife's and husbands and just in general. If you have to lie to cover up your actions you are doing something wrong.
Even my 13 year-old daughter recognizes this in her way... The other day, I was teasing her a little about how much time she spends with her new (and admittedly very cool) tablet. I asked her to put it away for a while, and joked, "You're almost as bad as your mother and her cell phone**." She defended herself by saying, "At least I don't try to hide it under a blanket like she does."

**And before you say it, yeah, I realize it probably was an inappropriately disrespectful joke to make about my wife in front of my daughter... no excuses, except that it's become a common complaint amongst everyone in our household and I slipped. At least I caught myself in time to NOT explain exactly WHY her mother hides her phone under the table or a blanket when she's texting.



Pb.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Here's a hint for cheating wife's and husbands and just in general. If you have to lie to cover up your actions you are doing something wrong.
Yes that is another thing, she is now a compulsive liar. She will lie to me about anything If she thinks even for a second it might upset me. BUT she will do whatever anyway.

Oh and her cell phone and Iphone are ghosts as far as I am concerned, I only see them when she is on them otherwise they are hidden away and she guards them like a hawk. Hmmm paranoid of something?
 

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Her past alone is a huge red flag. She probably has an adult version of attachment disorder.
So were you trying to rescue her when you met?
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Yes that is another thing, she is now a compulsive liar.
Been there done that. I think 98% of everything that came out of my wife's mouth was a lie once she started seeing this other guy. If I called her out on any of them she would just become vicious and ugly and stick to her story. No matter how ridiculous is was.
 

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I think you need to move this to coping with infidelity and read the sticky threads at the top.
Usually they recommend if an affair is suspected, you demand a polygraph, full transparency including all phones, passwords, accounts, etc.
You do a 180 and set the demands of this is how it's going to be or we divorce.
Right now she is controlling everything. Why should you be in the basement if she is cheating?
And there is a script cheaters follow, she is doing really good so far with the boohoo-ing and guilt.
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I've known a few people in three way relationships and this sounds like one.
Is she bisexual?
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I am starting to think she might be bi because it seems she is now becoming completely infatuated with her boss. So much as to start straightening her very curly hair and she even purchased a box of hair bleach because she wants to go blonde. Hmmmm her boss has straight hair and is blonde.

But I don't think there is a 3-way thing going, her BFF is not that way at all. And in all actuality my wifes BFF I am for sure doesn't see the friendship as my wife does, I have over heard the BFF mocking my wife to other people when my wife is not around like making comments about how sometimes she has to tell her to just go away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Her past alone is a huge red flag. She probably has an adult version of attachment disorder.
So were you trying to rescue her when you met?
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YES!!!

I didn't know it at the time but that is my psch disorder, I have to save things. I can't remember what it is called but I am working on changing it because it can be very destructive.
 

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Codependency?
I used to sort of be the same way. But really someone who was in foster homes and adopted then rejected has scars that are so deep any kind of truly intimate relationship is going to require years and years of therapy.
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