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43 Posts
Hi all, just looking for some advice.
My wife and I are in our mid 20s, been together for approx 7-8 years and married for nearly 1 year. She recently told me she wasnt happy and just wanted to go out with her friends and have fun while I figure out what I want. She was in another state at the time and my first instinct overcame me and I flipped out on her, mainly through fear and pain.
The fear set in that since I had been so emotionally unavailable to her that there may be someone else. I dont think she would go out to cheat on me as such, but more that someone may have stumbled in to her life and made her smile again. So in the peak of my fears I asked if there was anyone else and she said no and was furious that I would even consider it.
The lead up to this was all my fault. I have been cold and isolated myself from her for a long time now, due to my own issues and insecurities. I have not done any work around the house, or the yard, or wanted to go out much etc. She has her own issues also, loved ones in her life have passed away and she is still dealing with it, though she is seeing a counsellor about it. Also she is busy with work/study. I know now how much she needed me to lighten the load and I wasnt there for her.
I know more than ever we need each other to lean on for support but right now she has told me just to leave her alone and give her the space she needs to decide what she wants. Of course I was panic stricken and just wanted to express how I feel, so I bought her flowers the next day and wrote a short loving note on them, tried talking to her and txting her a few times things like 'hope your having a good day, i love you' etc etc. Of course I got no replies and when I try talking to her she says if I keep pushing and dont give her space then she will end it right now, that she already has thoughts of ending it but is trying to talk herself out of it.
She is quite busy with work and study, and then spends all of her time going out to bbqs, clubs, etc. with friends. I assume this is part of getting the space that she cant really get at home with me sitting down the other end of the house.
The first 4-5 days I was a real mess randomly bursting in to tears when I thought I was just getting a hold of myself so I took some time off work and got stuck in around the house/yard, signed up to a gym. It has been about a week now since it boiled over and with all the time to reflect on myself Im actually in a much better mental state overall. I have never had such a wake up call in all my life but I think it may be too late. Her main way of coping with pain in her life is to shut out and cut off the people involved and just move on. I think she knows this is not the healthy way to cope with things but I also know how her overall unhappiness may overrule everything.
I read somewhere about the '180' and although I do not agree with it entirely in this case (since my distance caused it) I did take some good points away from it about self improvement etc.
I have read so many posts on various forums and have found some info to make me understand some of this but would like to hear some peoples oppinions. I just want her to be happy again. I know if given the chance I can make our lives as good as they can be. I love her more than anything in the world and I know she still loves me too but is so hurt/angry/scared that she may not let me back in.
Im back at work now and I work late so at least she can have the space to herself in the evenings and I wont bother her when I come home. I know the best case scenario now is for her just to calm down a bit and decide that if we put the work in that we can survive this because i know we are stronger than this, though the reality is that I think she will realise that with all this space and going out that she can be completely happy without me.
I am ready to give her complete space but my instincts keep telling me to leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have, even though its been screwed up for a while.
I may have rambled a bit through this post but everything is just pouring out of me. To recap, I see that everything that has happened has been my doing even though unintentional. Hoping that we can talk and convince her to see a MC together.
If anyone can give me any tips to help her and help us it would be much appreciated.
My wife and I are in our mid 20s, been together for approx 7-8 years and married for nearly 1 year. She recently told me she wasnt happy and just wanted to go out with her friends and have fun while I figure out what I want. She was in another state at the time and my first instinct overcame me and I flipped out on her, mainly through fear and pain.
The fear set in that since I had been so emotionally unavailable to her that there may be someone else. I dont think she would go out to cheat on me as such, but more that someone may have stumbled in to her life and made her smile again. So in the peak of my fears I asked if there was anyone else and she said no and was furious that I would even consider it.
The lead up to this was all my fault. I have been cold and isolated myself from her for a long time now, due to my own issues and insecurities. I have not done any work around the house, or the yard, or wanted to go out much etc. She has her own issues also, loved ones in her life have passed away and she is still dealing with it, though she is seeing a counsellor about it. Also she is busy with work/study. I know now how much she needed me to lighten the load and I wasnt there for her.
I know more than ever we need each other to lean on for support but right now she has told me just to leave her alone and give her the space she needs to decide what she wants. Of course I was panic stricken and just wanted to express how I feel, so I bought her flowers the next day and wrote a short loving note on them, tried talking to her and txting her a few times things like 'hope your having a good day, i love you' etc etc. Of course I got no replies and when I try talking to her she says if I keep pushing and dont give her space then she will end it right now, that she already has thoughts of ending it but is trying to talk herself out of it.
She is quite busy with work and study, and then spends all of her time going out to bbqs, clubs, etc. with friends. I assume this is part of getting the space that she cant really get at home with me sitting down the other end of the house.
The first 4-5 days I was a real mess randomly bursting in to tears when I thought I was just getting a hold of myself so I took some time off work and got stuck in around the house/yard, signed up to a gym. It has been about a week now since it boiled over and with all the time to reflect on myself Im actually in a much better mental state overall. I have never had such a wake up call in all my life but I think it may be too late. Her main way of coping with pain in her life is to shut out and cut off the people involved and just move on. I think she knows this is not the healthy way to cope with things but I also know how her overall unhappiness may overrule everything.
I read somewhere about the '180' and although I do not agree with it entirely in this case (since my distance caused it) I did take some good points away from it about self improvement etc.
I have read so many posts on various forums and have found some info to make me understand some of this but would like to hear some peoples oppinions. I just want her to be happy again. I know if given the chance I can make our lives as good as they can be. I love her more than anything in the world and I know she still loves me too but is so hurt/angry/scared that she may not let me back in.
Im back at work now and I work late so at least she can have the space to herself in the evenings and I wont bother her when I come home. I know the best case scenario now is for her just to calm down a bit and decide that if we put the work in that we can survive this because i know we are stronger than this, though the reality is that I think she will realise that with all this space and going out that she can be completely happy without me.
I am ready to give her complete space but my instincts keep telling me to leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have, even though its been screwed up for a while.
I may have rambled a bit through this post but everything is just pouring out of me. To recap, I see that everything that has happened has been my doing even though unintentional. Hoping that we can talk and convince her to see a MC together.
If anyone can give me any tips to help her and help us it would be much appreciated.