[brokenman2012]

Hi all, just looking for some advice.

My wife and I are in our mid 20s, been together for approx 7-8 years and married for nearly 1 year. She recently told me she wasnt happy and just wanted to go out with her friends and have fun while I figure out what I want. She was in another state at the time and my first instinct overcame me and I flipped out on her, mainly through fear and pain.

The fear set in that since I had been so emotionally unavailable to her that there may be someone else. I dont think she would go out to cheat on me as such, but more that someone may have stumbled in to her life and made her smile again. So in the peak of my fears I asked if there was anyone else and she said no and was furious that I would even consider it.

The lead up to this was all my fault. I have been cold and isolated myself from her for a long time now, due to my own issues and insecurities. I have not done any work around the house, or the yard, or wanted to go out much etc. She has her own issues also, loved ones in her life have passed away and she is still dealing with it, though she is seeing a counsellor about it. Also she is busy with work/study. I know now how much she needed me to lighten the load and I wasnt there for her.

I know more than ever we need each other to lean on for support but right now she has told me just to leave her alone and give her the space she needs to decide what she wants. Of course I was panic stricken and just wanted to express how I feel, so I bought her flowers the next day and wrote a short loving note on them, tried talking to her and txting her a few times things like 'hope your having a good day, i love you' etc etc. Of course I got no replies and when I try talking to her she says if I keep pushing and dont give her space then she will end it right now, that she already has thoughts of ending it but is trying to talk herself out of it.

She is quite busy with work and study, and then spends all of her time going out to bbqs, clubs, etc. with friends. I assume this is part of getting the space that she cant really get at home with me sitting down the other end of the house.

The first 4-5 days I was a real mess randomly bursting in to tears when I thought I was just getting a hold of myself so I took some time off work and got stuck in around the house/yard, signed up to a gym. It has been about a week now since it boiled over and with all the time to reflect on myself Im actually in a much better mental state overall. I have never had such a wake up call in all my life but I think it may be too late. Her main way of coping with pain in her life is to shut out and cut off the people involved and just move on. I think she knows this is not the healthy way to cope with things but I also know how her overall unhappiness may overrule everything.

I read somewhere about the '180' and although I do not agree with it entirely in this case (since my distance caused it) I did take some good points away from it about self improvement etc.

I have read so many posts on various forums and have found some info to make me understand some of this but would like to hear some peoples oppinions. I just want her to be happy again. I know if given the chance I can make our lives as good as they can be. I love her more than anything in the world and I know she still loves me too but is so hurt/angry/scared that she may not let me back in.

Im back at work now and I work late so at least she can have the space to herself in the evenings and I wont bother her when I come home. I know the best case scenario now is for her just to calm down a bit and decide that if we put the work in that we can survive this because i know we are stronger than this, though the reality is that I think she will realise that with all this space and going out that she can be completely happy without me.

I am ready to give her complete space but my instincts keep telling me to leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have, even though its been screwed up for a while.

I may have rambled a bit through this post but everything is just pouring out of me. To recap, I see that everything that has happened has been my doing even though unintentional. Hoping that we can talk and convince her to see a MC together.

If anyone can give me any tips to help her and help us it would be much appreciated.

 

[Frostflower]

Hi all, just looking for some advice.

My wife and I are in our mid 20s, been together for approx 7-8 years and married for nearly 1 year. She recently told me she wasnt happy and just wanted to go out with her friends and have fun while I figure out what I want. She was in another state at the time and my first instinct overcame me and I flipped out on her, mainly through fear and pain.

The fear set in that since I had been so emotionally unavailable to her that there may be someone else. I dont think she would go out to cheat on me as such, but more that someone may have stumbled in to her life and made her smile again. So in the peak of my fears I asked if there was anyone else and she said no and was furious that I would even consider it.

The lead up to this was all my fault. I have been cold and isolated myself from her for a long time now, due to my own issues and insecurities. I have not done any work around the house, or the yard, or wanted to go out much etc. She has her own issues also, loved ones in her life have passed away and she is still dealing with it, though she is seeing a counsellor about it. Also she is busy with work/study. I know now how much she needed me to lighten the load and I wasnt there for her.

I know more than ever we need each other to lean on for support but right now she has told me just to leave her alone and give her the space she needs to decide what she wants. Of course I was panic stricken and just wanted to express how I feel, so I bought her flowers the next day and wrote a short loving note on them, tried talking to her and txting her a few times things like 'hope your having a good day, i love you' etc etc. Of course I got no replies and when I try talking to her she says if I keep pushing and dont give her space then she will end it right now, that she already has thoughts of ending it but is trying to talk herself out of it.

She is quite busy with work and study, and then spends all of her time going out to bbqs, clubs, etc. with friends. I assume this is part of getting the space that she cant really get at home with me sitting down the other end of the house.

The first 4-5 days I was a real mess randomly bursting in to tears when I thought I was just getting a hold of myself so I took some time off work and got stuck in around the house/yard, signed up to a gym. It has been about a week now since it boiled over and with all the time to reflect on myself Im actually in a much better mental state overall. I have never had such a wake up call in all my life but I think it may be too late. Her main way of coping with pain in her life is to shut out and cut off the people involved and just move on. I think she knows this is not the healthy way to cope with things but I also know how her overall unhappiness may overrule everything.

I read somewhere about the '180' and although I do not agree with it entirely in this case (since my distance caused it) I did take some good points away from it about self improvement etc.

I have read so many posts on various forums and have found some info to make me understand some of this but would like to hear some peoples oppinions. I just want her to be happy again. I know if given the chance I can make our lives as good as they can be. I love her more than anything in the world and I know she still loves me too but is so hurt/angry/scared that she may not let me back in.

Im back at work now and I work late so at least she can have the space to herself in the evenings and I wont bother her when I come home. I know the best case scenario now is for her just to calm down a bit and decide that if we put the work in that we can survive this because i know we are stronger than this, though the reality is that I think she will realise that with all this space and going out that she can be completely happy without me.

I am ready to give her complete space but my instincts keep telling me to leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have, even though its been screwed up for a while.

I may have rambled a bit through this post but everything is just pouring out of me. To recap, I see that everything that has happened has been my doing even though unintentional. Hoping that we can talk and convince her to see a MC together.

If anyone can give me any tips to help her and help us it would be much appreciated.

Hi Broken and welcome.

First of all, it is not all your fault that this has happened. You even admit that she has some issues of her own, and that she is working and studying on top of them. She is seeing a counsellor, which is good. What about you? Are you dealing with whatever was making you cold and neglectful?

Please don't leave text her or her notes, etc. She has made it clear that she wants space. Be respectful and give her that. Focus on yourself. Don't sit at the other end of the house. Go out with your friends. Don't let her cake walk, that is, live like a single woman knowing she has you to fall back on as planB. You deserve better than that.

Lastly, don't try to tell her, rather show her that you have changed.

Good luck.

 

[brokenman2012]

my plan is exactly that. It took me a few days and a lot of thinking to accept that i dont have any input in her decision. The only thing i can do now is to show her how much of a wake up call this is for me and exactly what she will be giving up. And if she still decides that she doesnt want to make it work at least i will be heading in the right direction for myself.

I havent ever talked to anyone about my own issues, would have many times liked to ask her for help or just to listen but she carries so much weight on her shoulders already. This is the first time i have ever really had to stare myself in the face and already i know i have grown from it.

So many things i would like to say to her but i know right now she wont care. Just have to keep on the right path and hope she wants to stick around.

Just wish there was a way to shed the anxiety of waiting around for her decision.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[brokenman2012]

btw, in the same discussion as telling me she needed space, she also said she was not going to be a push over anymore and she was going to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to. I said i didnt understand because ive always encouraged her to go out and i have never stopped her doing anything at all. This doesnt sound like her and makes me think someone has been in her ear saying things like this, or maybe shes just blowing off steam. Any thoughts?
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[TBT]

she was going to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to. Posted via Mobile Device

Someone could be whispering in her ear,and even though they are just words in a post I can almost picture a petulant child saying something like that,no offense intended.Not very realistic in marriage as you both bring your own needs and expectations to the relationship.People need to compromise in marriage for sure,but there should be some firm boundaries so that you're on the same page in ensuring your marriage stays strong and healthy.Though your wife may not be having an affair now,her unhappiness in your marriage and her gravitating to the fun,single lifestyle can place her on the so-called "slippery slope" that leads to an EA and/or a PA.You may find the book "His Needs,Her Needs" helpful.Written by Dr.W.Harley and you can find more information on the marriagebuilders website.It basically deals with building a strong and healthy marriage.Hope you find the help you need here.Take care.

 

[brokenman2012]

well all i can do for now is keep improving on myself and my quality of life and hopefully she agrees to give it another shot.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I am ready to give her complete space but my instincts keep telling me to leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have, even though its been screwed up for a while.

Yeah, DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE INSTINCTS...the same ones that caused you to get into this mess in the first place (from YOUR perspective, she caused her own share of the mess as well.)

leave a note or a small reminder around the house to make her remember what we have

DON'T DO THIS! I understand your thinking, but as a woman I have to say WE HATE THIS! It is PUSHY!! It is making it (once more) ALL ABOUT YOU! 'Leave me alone' means 'LEAVE ME ALONE.'

make her remember what we have

Do you HONESTLY think she doesn't remember what you had? If she didn't remember the good times, then you can be sure she would have RUN OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE a long time ago! The only thing keeping her "in" right now is remembering what you USED to have and wondering if THAT (and the possibility of rekindling it) will be enough to keep her going in the future. Rest assured, she HASN'T forgotten -- thus, her indecisiveness.

 

[brokenman2012]

Thanks for your input. I wont be leaving any more notes/gifts etc around the house I was just mentioning that its a recurring feeling. She made it quite clear when i bought her the flowers that even though they were nice that it was a form of smothering and just needs to be left alone. I have never been pushy or controlling in the slightest with her and this is definately not the time to become that kind of person.

your third point brings me a great deal of comfort, I agree with you that if she didnt remember the good times we had that she would have already told me that we're done.

She has been out with friends the whole weekend and with the few words exchanged when i got home from work (just hi basically) i can tell she still sounds quite down in spirit but not as angry as she has been. maybe she will be ready to have an actual conversation with me in the not too distant future, but I wont be forcing that out of her. she will talk to me when she is ready.

thanks a lot for your input, its comforting and insightful to get a females perspective.

 

[brokenman2012]

just a quick one, wondering if I should get rid of the flowers i bought, they are still where i left them. but would she take this as a negative sign or more that i have backed off?

any thoughts?

thanks again for all the feedback

 

[bribrius]

so your wife tells you not to leave notes, or flowers, and not to talk to her.

And this is any better than what you were doing?

And while you are sitting there moping around, "waiting her decision" she is going out clubbing? And possibly going to someone else anyway? If she isnt getting the emotional support from you SHE IS GETTING IT FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE. Which will lead to , if not already, a physical affair.

My man. say it just isnt so. That you are really doing this?

Do yourself a favor, get your wife back under control. Give her a flat out ultimatum. Come back to marriage reality, or file. Give her those choices.
i think just on the grounds she doesnt want you to give her flowers it is enough for a ultimatum. Tell her you need a woman with you that you can have sex with and talk to and she just isnt quite cutting it.
why are you dealing with this again, why?????
she is being no better than what you did, in fact probably worse.

 

[bribrius]

just a quick one, wondering if I should get rid of the flowers i bought, they are still where i left them. but would she take this as a negative sign or more that i have backed off?

any thoughts?

thanks again for all the feedback

yeah, i got some thoughts. But they involve telling her where she can put the flowers.......

 

[brokenman2012]

no im not just sitting around, did for a few days just feeling pretty busted up but now going out etc. I cant jut sit around and wait while she lives a single girls lifestyle so it might be time to give her at least a time frame. Something makes me quite sure she has made at least an emotional connection somewhere else and im not at all comfortable with it
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[brokenman2012]

just an update. seems there is much more to the picture than i was allowed to know until now. At this point she has been consumed by her OCD and there is absolutely nothing i can do to help other than just stay out of her way and leave her be.

I do appreciate everyones feedback and comments, not really sure where our relationship is heading but my only priority at the moment is her health.

 

[Dewayne76]

Broken, please keep in touch! let us know how things are going. Get on the forums and talk, read... sometimes it helps... sometimes it helps a LOT.

Hope things get better for you.

Dewayne

 

[brokenman2012]

ill keep back with any update, im really at a loss. bottom line is she wants space to think, so ill give her the space. best case scenario here is that she agrees to see a counsellor together i think. but things are leaning more toward an actual separation at the moment

 

[Schofield25]

Any thoughts?

 

[Frostflower]

What do you mean she is consumed by her OCD? Is she getting help for it?

 

[brokenman2012]

yes she is getting help for it. honestly i am at my wits end and tired of everything. right now she is out for dinner and drinks with friends while i have to top up the mortgage account which she has dipped in to so that she can have a fun night then come home and ignore me.

im cutting her off as of right now.

 

[Frostflower]

yes she is getting help for it. honestly i am at my wits end and tired of everything. right now she is out for dinner and drinks with friends while i have to top up the mortgage account which she has dipped in to so that she can have a fun night then come home and ignore me.

im cutting her off as of right now.

You might want to protect yourself and separate all your finances. This would also send a message to her that a) what she is doing has consequences; b) this is serious; c) she can't have her cake and eat it too and d) you may not be around should she decide that plan B (you) are a better deal than plan A (party time).

 

[brokenman2012]

my thoughts exactly. i will be taking over full control of my finances and limiting her control over the joint finance (mortgage). i will still be taking a week away, just as much for myself as it is for her. that will give her nearly 2 weeks by herself to think and if she hasnt made a decision by then i will be preparing our house to sell and that will at least put some time frame on it, although realistically it may take months to sell there will be a deadline in place that she cannot ignore.

i am completely confused now as to whether it is our relationship or her own issues or both that are driving her to need space and time to think. all i know at this point is that i cant just hang around on the end of a string waiting for her to decide if she still loves me and wants to make it work.

i have told her i am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track and my actions around home demonstrate that. i have told her if she needs someone to talk to i am only a phone call away and ill always answer. she seems completely uninterested.

even though i have been a crappy husband most of the time i still have more respect for myself than that and need to at least start preparing to move on with my life and its her decision if she wants to be a part of it.

i think i can safely say i have experienced every emotion related to this type of event and now completely drained and working purely on myself from now on.

all the comments on my thread are greatly appreciated and have helped me a great deal during this so thank you very much to everyone.