[diwali123]

Well our MC thinks I do. I feel like I used to bury my anger, I was abused by my father, have been in counseling a LOT. My first marriage was horrible, not physically abusive but extremely emotional and verbal abuse. He was sadistic in our divorce and ended up sleeping with my best friend and they both lied about their relationship.
Yes I have reasons to be angry and I have tried so incredibly hard to get through it. I am so much better than I was four years ago.
Still at times his gf/my ex friend has done things like drive my daughter around when she can't get a license and is dangerous. The state and police wouldn't help me and I threatened to take matters into my own hands so to speak.
A few weeks ago we had a bad session and I had been trying to stop smoking. I ended up getting so mad and down, I was crying and he called the counselor which kind of pissed me off more. I ended up leaving because I just was afraid I was going to say something horrible to him.
She says it was borderline personality behavior and I should be able to say I'm leaving and where I'm going and when I'll be back. I feel like after everything I have been through my patience is just gone when it comes to core issues. I hate that and I don't know how to stop. I feel like he isn't anything like my ex and our MC validates that. He refuses to fight with me and then it just makes me feel like I'm the "crazy" one.
Honestly it's amazing I am able to function in a marriage at all when I think about it. I said for a long time that I could never get married again after what my ex put me through. And here I am, the angry one.
Any insight welcome.
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[Prodigal]

I feel like after everything I have been through my patience is just gone when it comes to core issues. I hate that and I don't know how to stop. I feel like he isn't anything like my ex and our MC validates that. He refuses to fight with me and then it just makes me feel like I'm the "crazy" one.

Honestly it's amazing I am able to function in a marriage at all when I think about it. I said for a long time that I could never get married again after what my ex put me through. And here I am, the angry one.

Yes, you are angry. And you absolutely must deal with your own anger issues in order to function properly in a relationship. You don't know how to stop? If your MC isn't giving you exercises and tools to stop, then find a new MC.

So he refuses to fight with you? I hope you realize how fortunate you are, because it sounds like you are just spoiling for a knock-down, drag-out fight.

And that will solve ... WHAT? Will it absolve your anger? Will it resolve your issues? Doubt it.

Uh, no offense intended, but you DO sound like the "crazy" one here. And I don't think you are crazy at all.

JMO, but I think behind every angry person is a very hurt person who doesn't want to face the hurt.

Maybe it is time for you to address the hurt and say to heck with the anger. Heal the pain, and the healing of anger will follow.

Again, JMO.

 

[KathyBatesel]

I agree completely with Prodigal. You sound like you're sabotaging yourself. Do you even have a solid idea of what a good relationship looks like? Do you have examples in your life of people who have great problem-solving skills? What could you learn from them?

 

[diwali123]

Well he doesn't refuse to fight, he just isn't as quick to be angry as me and he doesn't think as quickly I guess when he's mad. Sometimes I feel like its more I'm mad at life or god or whatever it is I sort of believe in.
We haven't been in MC long enough to get to that issue yet in depth. I'm meeting with her this week on my own.
I am not offended, I just sometimes wonder what the hell happened that I'm like this. It's like I'm watching myself thinking who is this person doing this?
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[Mavash.]

Been there done that and have the hefty therapy bill to prove it. Sigh my heart goes out to you. Having anger issues really really sucks.

I don't know that I can add anything other than to say it's totally fixable if you put the work in with a good therapist. Within 6 months of weekly IC I had my anger under control and I no longer felt the need to provoke my husband into a fight.

 

[diwali123]

I don't know what to think. I've been in counseling a lot in my life and I have never had a counselor who makes me feel bad about myself like she does. I feel like she takes his side. She says we have different ways of communicating and then makes it sound like his way is right. Seriously I feel like she sees him almost like this innocent child that needs protection. He is a man and just because he appears to be shy, quiet and mild mannered in session doesn't mean that's always how he is. I feel like he has too much anger with his kids and I have mentioned that before and she just glosses over it. I have mentioned that he is an aggressive driver and that he scares me sometimes and she glosses over that too.
It's like she has a thing for him almost. Not sexual but like she sees herself in him. She always says that she totally relates to the way that he reacts to our conflicts because that's how she is too. He tends to withdraw and get really quiet and there are times I say something totally innocent and neutral and he gets upset and won't talk to me for an hour. He's like in a trances. She says that's normal! So he doesn't need to work on that, I need to work on approaching him when it's a good time for him.
I went into MC with my eyes open to the fact that I have things that I need to work on and willing to face it but I feel like she really takes his side, defends him, makes him out to be the victim and I'm in the wrong because I like to talk openly and honestly about conflict when it happens instead of going into a trance in lala land.
Something just doesn't feel right here. I feel like my anger two weeks ago was partially at her because I felt ganged up on and like we are paying all this money and it's all about how he's perfect and I'm wrong.
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[Mavash.]

Same here. My therapist took my husbands side too. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow but in my case she was right. As the more aggressive I was the one who needed to change first. There is no way my husband was equipped to 'man up' to me. Ever. Even now he can't do it. Won't do it. And she did not have a thing for him she was simply doing her job and doing it well I might add.

My husband is a conflict avoidant and until I understood that concept yes he was the victim. I know now I can't just talk openly like I like I used to about things that bother me. My husband shuts down if I do. I had to learn how to reach him without triggering him. Not easy btw.

Just the other night he did something that bothered me and I felt him withdrawing when I tried to discuss it with him. I took a deep breathe and started over. I came at him with love, compassion, patience and vulnerability. I kept my voice low and soothing. That totally worked.

Dealing with men like this takes skill. But you must be willing to humble yourself first to be able to do it and that isn't easy either.

 

[bluepocket]

You're taking very extreme views. You think the MC believes he's 'perfect' and you're 'always wrong'. I'd bet my last dollar she never said anything close to that.

This black and white thinking is dangerous. You're not leaving room for any leeway. Your relationship is not black and white, it's multicolored.

You need to accept that your anger is a major part of hurting your relationship. It is a problem that can only be controlled by you.

You say you 'think' you have anger issues and also that you've been in counselling for years. Have you been told you have anger issues? Have you been given techniques and tools for how to deal with this anger? If so, then you DO have anger issues and you need to accept that to move forward.

You must accept the possibility that the MC is right. The anger stems from you and is not DH's fault. DH is suffering and coping with it the best he can. Your behavior needs to improve and that will only happen by accepting MC's advice.

 

[SunnyT]

Why not put the marriage counseling on hold....until you get your anger issues solved? Get some independent counseling with someone else...work thru that, and then you should be better equipped to handle the how-to's of marriage counseling...including how to fight effectively!

 

[KathyBatesel]

Diwali, you're getting some good advice here. Your past relationship was sadistic, and you've gone the opposite direction to a guy who is conflict avoidant and neither "type" of guy worked for you. It might be that your response to anger is an important element that hurts your relationships.

Your counselor took a big risk by identifying borderline personality disorder. Your response is exactly what I'd expect to see if that's the case. I hope you'll learn how to put your feelings on a shelf and just "try out" some of the things your counselor suggests. Remember that you can always go back to doing things your own way if they don't work, but you *do* have to give it a fair shot - as in apply the principles for 4-6 months before deciding it doesn't work.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Mavash said: Just the other night he did something that bothered me and I felt him withdrawing when I tried to discuss it with him. I took a deep breathe and started over. I came at him with love, compassion, patience and vulnerability. I kept my voice low and soothing. That totally worked.

Dealing with men like this takes skill. But you must be willing to humble yourself first to be able to do it and that isn't easy either.

So very true....about the humilty.

About coming to him with - love, compassion, patience and vulnerability. When I was younger, I had some anger issues going on....not too pleased with God... didn't like my family life/situation... my husband never seemed to take this personally -he knew it wasn't about him. I purposely read a couple books on ANGER to understand my emotions & do what I could do to get them in check.... this was all I needed, I even got a book on Humility -thinking I could Up this some.

My husband is like some of your husbands here, naturally more a peace maker -conflict not his thing... I have always been able to talk to him about anything though, he never clams up , tries to leave.... It is likely because I have always shown a vulnerable side, humble and sensitive before him.... if I hurt him or did anything wrong from my end, I was always quick to come to him, make it right...put my actions where my mouth was.... soothe him as best I could...until he was "with me in spirit" - this is so very important for connection..and leading another to feel safe with us.

 

[diwali123]

I don't think she was saying I'm borderline just the way I acted that day seemed like it. My ex is BPD and after 14 years dealing with him it's hard not to pick up some of it. I think I had to develop such a thick skin and get really tough with my ex to survive and get out. I hate that I had to turn into that kind of person.
I have only ever had counselors tell me that I wasn't in touch enough with my anger. Maybe I opened Pandora's box during the divorce, and now here it is and I can't control it.
What surprises me is that my h used to get into big fights with his ex. His son still talks about it. I don't know why he is so different with me.
I think it comes down to we are both afraid of losing each other. I think I'm so afraid of being hurt again and he is too.
When he withdraws I tend to see it as being passive aggressive I know that's not right.
We discussed some incredibly personal sexual things in counseling and I felt very uncomfortable with the way some things were presented to me that day. She did apologIize for the way she put some words in my h's mouth that he never said.
I guess that's it Mavash, I just don't know how to handle a guy like him. I've never been with someone who is so quick to go quiet out of fear and is so afraid of letting me down or hurting me. It's like my brain can't catch up to the reality of who he is and I don't like that in myself.
Thanks everyone for your insights.
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[KathyBatesel]

This ^ is encouraging.

Is there any chance of you maybe seeing another counselor at the same clinic for your IC? The reason I ask this is because you're clearly uncomfortable with this one, and it's possible that there are some "counter-transference" issues going on (common with counselor/patient relationships.) If there are multiple counselors at the clinic, you'd be able to better have your needs met, while your husband might feel his are, too, and they would be able to collaborate to keep each OTHER on track as professionals.

 

[Mavash.]

I guess that's it Mavash, I just don't know how to handle a guy like him. I've never been with someone who is so quick to go quiet out of fear and is so afraid of letting me down or hurting me. It's like my brain can't catch up to the reality of who he is and I don't like that in myself.

I don't know what your husbands personality type is. I'm just telling you about mine. Mine quickly goes to shame, fear, and feels BAD when I try to discuss anything conflict related. Suddenly he's 10 and I'm his mother upset with him for breaking the front window with a baseball. I see his body language change and he's no longer an adult he's a vulnerable boy who is in trouble yet again and who can't do anything right.

The ONE thing my husband hates more than anything is for me to be mad at him (it triggers him back to his past) so I have to strike that from my vocabulary. I can be hurt, left out, neglected, pick any other emotion but if I go to anger he shuts down and it's game over.

 

[diwali123]

She even said he goes into little boy mode. I don't know how to deal with it because he and his son have the same exact facial expressions and he looks just like him when he does that. I just don't know what to do....I told her I feel like he just disappears and that is scary for me.
I do think there's a lot of transference going on definitely. She reminds me of someone but I don't know who.
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