Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 1040 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I asked my husband to leave last Tuesday.....I have another thread that explains more of our details...ongoing problems for years....I have said many times he should leave...this time he did.

He told me in October he wanted a divorce, but never left. This led to me nagging and constantly wanting to talk about the relationship. (During the last 4 months I do believe he was actually making small efforts to make things work - I ignoredthem).

Finally last week he told me a couple of things that made me feel like a heal. I went to my first counseling session last monday which was eye opening....but on Tuesday I was all over him like usual....he said a few things I was not prepared for and I told him to get out...he left the next morning and said he would be home over the weekend to get more stuff...

He came home saturday morning and just left sunday night (he spent most of the time with our daughter - but we had some good friendly conversation ourselves)....

I was happy go lucky most of the weekend until I realized he was leaving....we had not disussed this separation so I was clueless...he came upstairs and asked why the sudden change in attitude...I said because he is leaving...he said YOU KICKED ME OUT...and you did it a lot the last few years....

I proceeded to apologize for MY part in the failure of the marriage. Basically - he cheated on me 10 years ago...and long story short - I thought I forgave him but I clearly never did. I had a wall up - I became a *****, our sex life sucked because I did not want to make him happy, I was miserable to be with.

This came to me after the counselor on Monday, a male friend on Tuesday and a divorce counselor on Thursday all said - you hhave NOT FORGIVEN the man and have spent 10 years making him feel like **** for something he probably already feels like **** for.

He has told me he does not love me anymore and wishes he just left 10 years ago.....

But tonite he REALLY listened to me when I told him I was sorry and that I do lvoe him, and I do not think he is the horrible person I probably made him feel like.

We have been together for 20 years by the way....I love him more than anything.

After I was done talking he did actually hug me which shocked me because I know how angry he is.

He said he wsa in a motel last week, but did rent a room with a coworker for 30 days.....and he already paid for it....but he thought we should take the 30 days anyway....he will come by on the weekends to see our daughter....and he said in a few weeks we can try to go out on a date or two if all goes well....

I AM ON THE ROAD to forgiveness...I already feel that wieight lifted......he of course is not convinced.....

I am still doing the 180 to a point since I do not want him to think I am a snilveling mess....and I want him to see I WILL be OK without him, but also want him to know I do not want to be without him.

I respected his choice to leave tonight, did not beg him to stay or anything and let him go.

I am not sure what to do from here....how can I show him I DO FINALLY FORGIVE HIM and do think the world of him if I do not talk or see him?

I am thrilled he said lets see what happens since he swore up and down there was nothing left....but this was before last week...

.....I do not regret asking him t leave...because if I did not I would not have spoke to the 3 people who have made me realize what a ***** I have been and how I have been reading him so wrong or not at all....but I WANT HIM BACK and to make it better than ever...

How do I do this........
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
685 Posts
I'm not exactly sure, but keeping with therapy is a start. Is it possible to see your counselor more than once a week? Many request that in the early stages just to flesh things out.

Work on you. That's all you can do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
Forgiving after you have been cheated on takes a lot of work. Good that you see the need. Don't be too hard on yourself that it is difficult. And as you now know, you have to do it if you want the marriage to work!
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,124 Posts
Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. I know that the affair was a long time ago. But I think it would help you now to know what to do.

Then after you read that book, read the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.



.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks guys! I did not read the surviving an affair book - I guess i never really looked inside to see the hurt and anger I was still feeling so never thought I needed any help until last week.

I did read last week men are from mars, divorce busting and how to be married to a difficult man (he is difficult, he admits it) - and those helped me tremendously.

I have heard a ton about the his needs her needs and want to go today to get that one....

I have 2 more counseling sessions this week....one is to deal with ME and myself....the other is strictly for the marriage.....

My 2 concerns are that he is still not getting help for his issues - and he does have them....

And how can I show him I am different if we are not together....he will think it is all an act if I only see him a few hours a week...

And do I still not call text or email him.....even though we just had an "OK' weekend.....

He really seemed sad to leave yesterday, and I am still shocked he hugged me so I just wish I knew what he was thinking/feeling.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
This might be dumb, but just tell him. Tell him and then back your words up with actions. But get all the secrets and awkward topics out f the way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I did tell him last night. I clearly stated how sorry I was that I broguht this damn affair up OVER AND OVER AND OVER for 10 years - in turn making him feel like **** EVERY TIME.

I apologized for the wall I PUT UP which in turn caused him to put his wall up - no, he has not been perfect - but my inability to forgive and move on is what killed this. I have been miserable to live with.....not fun and carefree but brooding and angry....even my daughter finally told me this...she is 10.

I told him I love him, I told him that I do think he is a better man than he has ever been and that I am proud of him. I reassured him that although my actions and words may have told him soemthing different - that I am proud to call him my husband....and that I do not want him to ever think I do not think the world of him.

And I think he heard me.....that is when he hugged me......

I know the next 30 days are the right thing......I just hope he can break his wall down to let me back in......that is my biggest fear - that he will not trust me to be a better wife, the person I used to be.

I have said in the past I would stop the heavy talks and nagging...but I never did.....I KNOW I CAN know because the counselor has helped me see what I could not see on my own....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
My advice... Don't worry about the "30 days" thing. Work on yourself. Let him see that you're serious about changing. Go on your dates with him. Then, when his room rental thing is done, he can decide what to do next. It might be to move back home, it might be to start a divorce, or it might be to rent the room for another 30 days. No matter what, none of these things involve the immediate end of your marriage after 30 days are up.

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
rickster - that is horrible advice - not sure why you would even say that. I have no problem being single, that is NOT what I want - and clearly he is not 100% sure either. What he wants is his fun easy going wife back.....

PBear - thanks.....I know I am overthinking things and need to just play it out - even the therapist said my type A personality is killing me.....and making me too uptight.....I am trying to step back....but it is hard...

....and Thoreau --- proof that men and women see things SOOOO differently! :)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
Do not key on the 30 day rental period. Do not have calendar timetable or deadline - that puts way too much pressure on both of you.

Look at it this way - it might take more than 30 days, or it might take less. Don't pressure yourselves - because you have enough pressure just trying to re-connect with each other. If he feels pressured for time he might push back. If you feel pressured for time you might do something that appears desperate.

For the rent money - look at it as a sunk cost. Do not go by the rental timetable - even if he moves back halfway through a rental period it doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Actually, just proves that Thoreau has a dirty mind!
Wazza you say that like its a bad thing! I am currently separated....I cannot even begin to tell you how dirty my mind is at the moment.... :)

Cedarman, thank you - I am trying not to worry about the time frame....I was honestly shocked he even kind of gave one...I think he really needed this time as much as I did....I do not regret asking him to leave, because if I did not I would not have picked up the books, went to the therapist and really realized how miserable I have been - and it was more because of my internal issues than necessarily him....although it was him that caused that internal stress --- how I handled and dealt with it is all on me...

He was here last night since he went to our daughters conference at school...so he stayed until about 8pm, the 3 of us were on the couch watching the Simpsons...first time the 3 of us have been on the same couch watching TV in I do not know how long....

We talked and laughed and it was nice, but that big elephant in the room is killing us....I want that comfort level back that we had years ago....I know it will not happen overnight...but I HATE THIS.....

Patience is not my better quality....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
Your taking steps to repair...keep it mellow...stay calm and in stride...don't control stuff...let him make some big boy decisions...not every encounter has to be heavy conversation...some things can be kept light. Don't sweat the small stuff...keep a slight po light 180 going for yourself for self preservation...make personal choices about you...self improvements....be attractive...someone he wants to be around...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I am DEFINITELY not having any heavy conversation - that is what pushed him away in the first place. There is honestly nothing for us to talk about....I need to find forgiveness. That is really all this is about - me tearing my wall down - and hopefully now getting him to. 10 years of wall building is a tough one....

....and I am doing for me.....I am still going on the premise that this is over and trying to keep my life going...I am trying to not read to much into anything anymore....but I love this man with all my heart....and I know he says he is not in love iwth me anymore.....but some of his recent actions really make me feel differently....(just wish I had seen and realized those actions were his attempts at trying sooner!)...

He is mad I asked him to leave....he is mad I never forgave him for something he did 10 YEARS AGO....he is mad that he has told me things and I did not listen, but someone else would tell me the same and I would "get it" -----

I know I cannot control his feelings - and am doing everything I can to fix my issues wiht not letting things go.....

I just wish he would be more open with me ....... it is hard to know how to be without him telling me where he is.

I like that we can have lite conversation, that he looks at me when we talk....that he agreed to go to a wedding iwth me in 2 weeks that I thought we had no chance of going to together......these are all I hope good things.....

But then I think I am reading too much into things....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
758 Posts
The guy still loves you, or he wouldn't give you the time of day - much less agree to go to a wedding with you.

You couldn't make me attend a wedding right now at gunpoint, lol
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
LOL! Thanks old timer. Not for nothing, I think he is only talking to me at all because of our daughter....and the wedding is actually one of his childhood friends....so I am not convinced it is because of any feelings he has for me unfortunately....

But as my counselor said I need to start seeing these little things as positive signs.....just hard to do since I just want him home...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
758 Posts
Be patient. And consistent.
Your actions speak louder than any words you can ever say.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
486 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Consistent I can do.....patience is asking a lot.

I swore I would do no contact the rest of the week (although that terrifies me+....and it is KILLING me..... :-(

And I asked him to leave......and now I feel like a schmuck. Although I know it was the right thing since I have done SO MUCH self learning.....but it hurts horribly.....
 
1 - 20 of 1040 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top