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My husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half (together for 3) so you'd think that excitement would still be there. It's not. He LOVES sex. He'd do it twice a day if he could. I could go without it for the rest of my life. He gets sex 1-2 times a week (excluding period week and another topic) not because I want to do it but because I can't stand living with him when he's deprived. He gets easily agitated (but never violent) and very emotional. He acts like I am the meanest wife ever, questions my love for him and talks about how he can't go on in a virtually sexless marriage. And that's if we go 4 or five days without it! During my period he STILL makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex even though I think it's gross. I am constantly made to feel guilty for not giving him the intimacy he "needs". He has never admitted to me outright that he thinks I'm cheating (I must be if I don't want sex 24/7 from him, right?:slap:) but he gets onto my computer, checks my search history, my facebook messages, on my phone, etc. I try hard to not make him feel like he's getting pity sex but I am not a good actor. I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me. However, I don't think the issue lies within me, or at least not within JUST me. He is so clingy, needy and needs constant affirmation. I think that all the guilt trips from back when I did enjoy sex but turned him down for one reason or another have made me not enjoy sex. Now I even DREAD sex and I think it's because of him constantly giving me guilt trips.

Am I nuts? Am I being unreasonable?

I'm trying to meet his needs but I feel like he has no regard for my feelings. My excuses aren't that I'm too tired, or that I have a headache (despite the horrible tension headaches I've had lately dealing with this issue); it's that I don't feel like having sex.

Please give me any advice you can offer, even if it's what you think I won't want to hear...please.

Derbygirl
 

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You two will have to work this out if the marriage has any hope of lasting. One thing that women need to fully understand is that men NEED sex to feel emotionally connected to their woman. But it isn't fair of him to expect it twice a day from you! Men need to understand that women NEED affection that doesn't always necessarily lead to a sexual encounter. It's all about compromise. My advice is to get to a counselor ASAP who can help you reach an agreeable solution. Honest communication and maturity from both sides is the only answer. A therapist will definitely help with this. If you don't want to end up in divorce court, the professional help will be worth whatever you spend on it. Good luck. Sounds as if you both are feeling hurt and resentful. That's like a cancer that will just keep getting worse if left unresolved.
 

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I do understand that men need affection and that's why I'm trying so damn hard to change. The problem I have I guess is that he doesn't acknowledge that 1) I'm trying to change, and 2) my feelings should be as important to him as his are to me. We are going to try counseling but he doesn't believe it will help. That means that it probably won't.
 

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Wait wat?... so when my wife expects it 3x daily from me it's fair and that I'm an unappreciative a$$hole? Sorry... but that comment struck me...

But I agree with everything else, and yes men need the emotional connection as well

@Derbygirl

Have you confronted him with this?
 

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Oh yes. It always turns into a fight with me apologizing for my feelings and spending the rest of the day on the verge of tears. I have four kids all 10 and under and they see me cry so much. It's got to be killing them.
 

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=/
I might offend some men by saying this but... he really has to harden the fk up

My wife and I have always been brutally honest with not just the sex but the game/romance/tease, she DRILLS IT into me whenever I turn her off, to her, it's the same as hurting her or leading her on/leaving her hanging

Despite our issues, our sex life is generally good; its a little too often for my tastes and we're in MC atm.

The truth is I appreciate the fact she makes it easy for me to learn all her buttons. I'd rather that then someone who fakes orgasms or some crap. Brutal honesty and transparency when it comes to sex, but that's just us...
 

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I feel like your thread is a perfect example of why this (common) problem is really just one viscous cycle where everybody loses and nobody feels fulfilled


Because from what you wrote, no, I don't think you're in the wrong:

Needy, Clingy, Pouty behavior= SEXUAL REPULSIVE TO WOMEN

( oh...and the same goes for men too...thats why some of these wives that agressively pursue their husbands get rejected as well)

In order for something to be an "object of desire"...it needs to feel at least a little bit elusive

(this should be attraction 101...yet so many people have a hard time getting this)


So anyway, I get why you can't "fake" intense lust and desire for him, when his behavior kills those very feelings within you

The problem is, if you never act extremely amorous and into him...then even if you're having sex multiple times a week...he's never gonna feel satisfied,and reassured that you love him...because your enjoyment and desire to sleep with him...is the biggest piece of his sexual fulfillment puzzle

And that's why it's the never-ending, everybody loses circle

To Change? Hmm...

He needs to change...(or be educated)...he needs to read MMSL or NMMNG or any other of a number of books that help men read to relearn their "gender role" and its proper behavior (i.e. Being a Man)

As for you....well, here's the thing...women hold the keys to their own sexual arousal far more than men do

So while waiting for him to make major changes in his behavior (which really is a must)...you can try to focus on all the things you do love about him (you did marry him for a reason right?)...

basically psych yourself up about him...and then when it's time for intimacy...if you can get into it coming from a place "of love"...enjoying it from a place of love...he'll probably be far more satisfied (and so will you)

(kinda like calling on your higher-self/better-nature to make you be the bigger person...and again, provided you actually do on some level love your husband...it is doable...whether you allow yourself to do it is another story)

Good Luck!!
 

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Sex can never be successful without communication

Sure the first bang my wife and I had after over a year of complete sexual tension was intense and mindblowing - to the point I fell so hard in love with her (again). But to keep it up, honest communication is everything. Guess that's something my wife and I do right, though half the time in the past she gets lazy really.
 

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My husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half .... He LOVES sex. He'd do it twice a day if he could. I could go without it for the rest of my life. He gets sex 1-2 times a week (excluding period week and another topic) not because I want to do it but because I can't stand living with him when he's deprived. He gets easily agitated (but never violent) and very emotional. He acts like I am the meanest wife ever, questions my love for him and talks about how he can't go on in a virtually sexless marriage. And that's if we go 4 or five days without it! During my period he STILL makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex even though I think it's gross. I am constantly made to feel guilty for not giving him the intimacy he "needs". He has never admitted to me outright that he thinks I'm cheating (I must be if I don't want sex 24/7 from him, right?:slap:) but he gets onto my computer, checks my search history, my facebook messages, on my phone, etc. I try hard to not make him feel like he's getting pity sex but I am not a good actor. I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me. However, I don't think the issue lies within me, or at least not within JUST me. He is so clingy, needy and needs constant affirmation. I think that all the guilt trips from back when I did enjoy sex but turned him down for one reason or another have made me not enjoy sex. Now I even DREAD sex and I think it's because of him constantly giving me guilt trips.

Am I nuts? Am I being unreasonable?
Yes, I think you are nuts and unreasonable. It may not be your own doing butmarriage is asexual relationship. It sounds to me also like bait and switch, as you previously "enjyed sex" and now don't.

A large percentage of men receive sex as their love language. This is a deep seeded emotional need. Turning a man like this down repeatedly will result in nothing but resentment. You both need to work this out or resign yourself to misery and or divorce
 

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I could go without it for the rest of my life.

I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me.
Do you think you are an asexual person? :confused:

Such a person would want nothing to do with intercourse. Intimacy is generally limited to hugging/kissing.

If you were single would you want to have sex with someone else?
 

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When my kids were little, my husband had to fight a bit to get sex. Usually, I was fine once we were started, but felt no interest in the lead up. Back then, we had to schedule sex to make sure he was getting it.
This was more than 12 years ago & he recently asked me why I did not want sex back then. The only answer I could come up with was that it was just another demand on me, I had little time when there was not someone climbing all over my body, I wanted space around me more than anything else.
I will say that this became a huge issue in our marriage & we were separated for over a year. That was what lead me to realise what I had lost.
You need to understand that your husband desires you to want him physically & affirm him both verbally & by your actions. Now, you may say that he does not meet your needs, so why should you meet his? I say, who is going to be the bigger person & step up to the plate first? If you make changes, if you are willing to talk to your husband & listen to him without justifying your actions, you may be able to save your marriage.
 

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Does no one read closely?????? The most important thing said is Derbygirl has 4 kids under 10!!!!!

I thought I was reading about a couple in their early 20's with no experience or sexual knowledge. This is at least her second marriage (if married the first time), and he has taken on the role of step dad to probably at least 3 of them.

She should have known better her feelings about sex (and so should have he).

Add to that all the other things that must be going on under the roof, I frankly understand why derbygirl may not want sex right now in this stage of their lives.

And 15 posts in not one question as to what sex is like when they have it (i.e. does he know what he is doing and is he ggg in bed?) or whether she ever liked t or whether this is the lassic bait and switch......
 

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It sounds as though your H had unreasonable expectations about marriage. i.e. that marriage would provide him with a cookie jar he can open any time and help himself. But how did he get these expectations? It could be that during your courtship you were willing to put out on a regular basis, and after you married you focused more on getting your needs met. He might feel vulnerable, as if his sexuality was used to snag him into a relationship. Are those kids all his? From a guy's point of view, he is looking at your past sexual relationship/s that produced all those kids. Fertility is intimidating!
 

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Does no one read closely?????? The most important thing said is Derbygirl has 4 kids under 10!!!!!

I thought I was reading about a couple in their early 20's with no experience or sexual knowledge. This is at least her second marriage (if married the first time), and he has taken on the role of step dad to probably at least 3 of them.

She should have known better her feelings about sex (and so should have he).

Add to that all the other things that must be going on under the roof, I frankly understand why derbygirl may not want sex right now in this stage of their lives.

And 15 posts in not one question as to what sex is like when they have it (i.e. does he know what he is doing and is he ggg in bed?) or whether she ever liked t or whether this is the lassic bait and switch......
Sorry, But she entered into marriage with this man and with that comes an expectation of an adequte sex life. These are, from what I read, not the husbands children, I stand by my previous post.
 

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The less the have sex the more he will aCt that way. The more he acts that way the less sex you will have with him. You're in a bad cycle and its not about you or him....its the whole relationship. You're the one seeking out help it seems....so you're prob the best one in the relationship right now to change that cycle. If you guys can get on the same page, even better. Remember why you married him, think about how you guys first met....and then try sex with those fresh thoughts in your mind. You have a lot to loose, so at some point you have to make a choice here. Thinking about working on your marriage is one thing....making concrete changes to break the cycle you guys are in is another.
 
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Sorry, But she entered into marriage with this man and with that comes an expectation of an adequte sex life. These are, from what I read, not the husbands children, I stand by my previous post.
It sounds a little cold...but I sorta agree.

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