Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been married now for 2.5 years, and I don't even know where to start. I'm a wreck and I feel like no part of my life is in order and fulfilling. The one part I thought would make me so happy and help me to bear my work and family aspect of life, feels like a huge failure. In fact, my whole life feels like one big, prolonged disappointment. I feel like I've been living in hell and I'm trapped, these past few years. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel so alone.

Have you ever felt alone while in a relationship? It feels worse than ****. Like your're not worthy of being human, like you are invisible. My husband has severe communication issues and will stonewall me whenever we get into an argument, which is often. And due to the his past actions or behaviors, that have now traumatized me, I feel like no matter how hard I try to forget, something will trigger those emotions and they will all come flooding back. It all started with the lack of support I received from my family and husband during our wedding planning. That is supposed to be FUN and JOYOUS, isn't it? Well it was THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I expected my family to be pushy and controlling and always wanting things THEIR way, even though it's not THEIR ****ing wedding, but I never expected my husband to abandon me during this process. I thought we could navigate that TOGETHER!! I never expected him to stonewall me always and abandon me to pick gifts meant for OUR LIFE, for the bridal shower, BY MYSELF. Or for me to look for an officiator WITH MY DAD and without him! Are you kidding me?? I wasn't happy before the day, during, or after. He made me cry two days before the wedding and did not comfort me at all and I cried myself to sleep. He manipulated me before the bridal shower and threatened to not go to our wedding. He never complimented me during our wedding, never said how beautiful I was, never seemed to care. The funny thing is, when I told him I wanted to cancel the wedding 2 weeks before, he acted and cried like it was the end of his life. What he did to me was the end of mine. It was the end of my happiness and joy. I expected the man I would marry to be supportive and loving, and he was the opposite. Every holiday or special occasion after that has been full of sadness, he never bothered to get me anything for Christmas, that year we got married. My birthday and valentine's day of the next year, was full of tears for me again, as we had an argument as usual, and he stopped talking to me for several days. Who continues that on their spouse's birthday? Every holiday has been marred. We never had a honeymoon and he never said 'let's go on a honeymoon', "let's spend some time together". Time and time again, I feel his actions show me the absolute opposite of love. I've lost all hope and joy for my life. I feel these feelings of sadness and resentment have turned to anger and hatred. Even after 1.5 years since our wedding ceremony, I'm traumatized by all the hurt and pain he has caused me these past few years. I don't know how to forgive someone like that. The dreams I used to have for starting a family are gone, because of his character. I now don't want to think of having a family with someone like him. If he can't make me happy with just us, and he isn't showing signs of being a good husband, how can I see he will be a good father? That to me is the epitome of a good man.

I'm lost without hope, I feel like I'm in the dark and I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't know how to move on from these negative life changing experiences....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,823 Posts
It sounds to me as if you yourself came into this relationship/marriage while you were not in anyway emotionally healthy enough. The issue as I see it from what you have said isnt all about him but that you married a man you werent happy with and expected him to change and become the man you wanted him to be. That didnt happen and why did you expect it to?.
Loads of people have rocky times when planning a wedding and often it is the female who does things like buy the gifts as happens in most marriages for birthdays and Christmas etc afterwards. Thats pretty normal. Many men are just bad at that sort of thing.
You seem somewhat over reactive about things that have happened. Not being bought presents isnt traumatic. Thoughtless maybe, but far far from a trauma. Nothing you have said has happened warrants being called traumatic in anyway and certainly not 'life changing'. The marriage isnt what you thought it was going to be, you have only been married for 2 years and have no children so if you must leave then do so and move on.
Whatever you do, I would suggest that you get into some good long term counselling to see what the issues are with you and go from there. Maybe you saw him as your night in shining armour to rescue you from the family you seem to dislike and resent, and he hasn't measured up to your standards.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,643 Posts
It sounds to me as if you yourself came into this relationship/marriage while you were yourself were not in anyway emotionally healthy enough. The issue as I see it from what you have said isnt all about him but that you married a man you werent happy with and expected him to change and become the man you wanted him to be. That didnt happen and why did you expect it to?.
Loads of people have rocky times when planning a wedding and often it is the female who does things like buy the gifts as happens in most marriages for birthdays and Christmas etc afterwards. Thats pretty normal. Many men are just bad at that sort of thing.
You seem somwhat over reactive about things that have happened. Not being bought presents isnt traumatic. Thoughtless maybe, but far far from a trauma. Nothing you have said has happend warrants being called traumatic in anyway and certainly not life changing. The marriage isnt what you though it was going to be, you have only been married for 2 years and have no children so if you must leave then do so and move on.
Whatever you do, I would suggest that you get into some good long term counselling to see what the issues with you and go from there. Maybe you saw him as your night in shining armour to rescue you from the family you seem to dislike and he hasn't measured up.
THIS!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
I've been married now for 2.5 years, and I don't even know where to start. I'm a wreck and I feel like no part of my life is in order and fulfilling. The one part I thought would make me so happy and help me to bear my work and family aspect of life, feels like a huge failure. In fact, my whole life feels like one big, prolonged disappointment. I feel like I've been living in hell and I'm trapped, these past few years. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel so alone.

Have you ever felt alone while in a relationship? It feels worse than ****. Like your're not worthy of being human, like you are invisible. My husband has severe communication issues and will stonewall me whenever we get into an argument, which is often. And due to the his past actions or behaviors, that have now traumatized me, I feel like no matter how hard I try to forget, something will trigger those emotions and they will all come flooding back. It all started with the lack of support I received from my family and husband during our wedding planning. That is supposed to be FUN and JOYOUS, isn't it? Well it was THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I expected my family to be pushy and controlling and always wanting things THEIR way, even though it's not THEIR ****ing wedding, but I never expected my husband to abandon me during this process. I thought we could navigate that TOGETHER!! I never expected him to stonewall me always and abandon me to pick gifts meant for OUR LIFE, for the bridal shower, BY MYSELF. Or for me to look for an officiator WITH MY DAD and without him! Are you kidding me?? I wasn't happy before the day, during, or after. He made me cry two days before the wedding and did not comfort me at all and I cried myself to sleep. He manipulated me before the bridal shower and threatened to not go to our wedding. He never complimented me during our wedding, never said how beautiful I was, never seemed to care. The funny thing is, when I told him I wanted to cancel the wedding 2 weeks before, he acted and cried like it was the end of his life. What he did to me was the end of mine. It was the end of my happiness and joy. I expected the man I would marry to be supportive and loving, and he was the opposite. Every holiday or special occasion after that has been full of sadness, he never bothered to get me anything for Christmas, that year we got married. My birthday and valentine's day of the next year, was full of tears for me again, as we had an argument as usual, and he stopped talking to me for several days. Who continues that on their spouse's birthday? Every holiday has been marred. We never had a honeymoon and he never said 'let's go on a honeymoon', "let's spend some time together". Time and time again, I feel his actions show me the absolute opposite of love. I've lost all hope and joy for my life. I feel these feelings of sadness and resentment have turned to anger and hatred. Even after 1.5 years since our wedding ceremony, I'm traumatized by all the hurt and pain he has caused me these past few years. I don't know how to forgive someone like that. The dreams I used to have for starting a family are gone, because of his character. I now don't want to think of having a family with someone like him. If he can't make me happy with just us, and he isn't showing signs of being a good husband, how can I see he will be a good father? That to me is the epitome of a good man.

I'm lost without hope, I feel like I'm in the dark and I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't know how to move on from these negative life changing experiences....
I don't know you or your husband so I can only go off what I have read in your post. I think you should broach the topic of divorce with him soon. You might find that ending the marriage is a welcome idea and will be seen as one that can put you both on a path towards happiness.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,763 Posts
You married an abusive rat bastard. You knew it before you did it, and his crocodile tears fooled you. You may only have this one life! Do NOT spend it with someone who makes you miserable. Get on the phone first thing Monday to a family law attorney. Paying them will come out of the divorce settlement. Make the husband take 50/50 joint kid custody, if you have kids, which is the norm in the US now anyway. Don't let him take them when it doesn't interfere with his life. That's his problem. You will have to work full time too and you'll both have to get childcare when you need to, but it will not be YOUR problem how he manages it. Get all the visitation finalized and written up by a judge. Don't be informal or you'll regret it. He needs rules because he's a jerk.

You will be FAR happier and less lonely without him.
 
  • Like
Reactions: sokillme

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,064 Posts
I'm not sure why you posted this in the Relationships and Addiction forum, since you make no mention of your husband having a drinking/drugging problem. From what you've posted, I'd say cut your losses, divorce him, and move on with your life. He showed you who he was before you married him. He's showing you who he is now. Believe him. Don't fall for any further manipulation. Tell him you're miserable and you want out. Seriously.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
I say just leave him. It will be better for both of y’all. I will say this 2 times please I mean please do not get another man involved emotionally or physically while you are married. End the marriage and look for someone that meets you’re expectations. I am not at all means saying you will let another man involved but just want to let you know that route is 100 percent the worst way to go!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,745 Posts
I've been married now for 2.5 years, and I don't even know where to start. I'm a wreck and I feel like no part of my life is in order and fulfilling. The one part I thought would make me so happy and help me to bear my work and family aspect of life, feels like a huge failure. In fact, my whole life feels like one big, prolonged disappointment. I feel like I've been living in hell and I'm trapped, these past few years. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel so alone.

Have you ever felt alone while in a relationship? It feels worse than ****. Like your're not worthy of being human, like you are invisible. My husband has severe communication issues and will stonewall me whenever we get into an argument, which is often. And due to the his past actions or behaviors, that have now traumatized me, I feel like no matter how hard I try to forget, something will trigger those emotions and they will all come flooding back. It all started with the lack of support I received from my family and husband during our wedding planning. That is supposed to be FUN and JOYOUS, isn't it? Well it was THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I expected my family to be pushy and controlling and always wanting things THEIR way, even though it's not THEIR ****ing wedding, but I never expected my husband to abandon me during this process. I thought we could navigate that TOGETHER!! I never expected him to stonewall me always and abandon me to pick gifts meant for OUR LIFE, for the bridal shower, BY MYSELF. Or for me to look for an officiator WITH MY DAD and without him! Are you kidding me?? I wasn't happy before the day, during, or after. He made me cry two days before the wedding and did not comfort me at all and I cried myself to sleep. He manipulated me before the bridal shower and threatened to not go to our wedding. He never complimented me during our wedding, never said how beautiful I was, never seemed to care. The funny thing is, when I told him I wanted to cancel the wedding 2 weeks before, he acted and cried like it was the end of his life. What he did to me was the end of mine. It was the end of my happiness and joy. I expected the man I would marry to be supportive and loving, and he was the opposite. Every holiday or special occasion after that has been full of sadness, he never bothered to get me anything for Christmas, that year we got married. My birthday and valentine's day of the next year, was full of tears for me again, as we had an argument as usual, and he stopped talking to me for several days. Who continues that on their spouse's birthday? Every holiday has been marred. We never had a honeymoon and he never said 'let's go on a honeymoon', "let's spend some time together". Time and time again, I feel his actions show me the absolute opposite of love. I've lost all hope and joy for my life. I feel these feelings of sadness and resentment have turned to anger and hatred. Even after 1.5 years since our wedding ceremony, I'm traumatized by all the hurt and pain he has caused me these past few years. I don't know how to forgive someone like that. The dreams I used to have for starting a family are gone, because of his character. I now don't want to think of having a family with someone like him. If he can't make me happy with just us, and he isn't showing signs of being a good husband, how can I see he will be a good father? That to me is the epitome of a good man.

I'm lost without hope, I feel like I'm in the dark and I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't know how to move on from these negative life changing experiences....
The only problem you have I can tell as you have decided your marriage is your life. It's not, there looks like there is no hope for your marriage but there is plenty of hope for your life. Divorce and move on. You haven't been married for too long it won't be that hard.

My friend your lost of hope is more about you feeling of powerlessness, but you have all the power, it's your life, you get to make the choice. People make mistakes sometimes big ones. In this case you hurt yourself but that doesn't mean you have to live with it forever. Find your courage and move on with your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,745 Posts
It sounds to me as if you yourself came into this relationship/marriage while you were not in anyway emotionally healthy enough. The issue as I see it from what you have said isnt all about him but that you married a man you werent happy with and expected him to change and become the man you wanted him to be. That didnt happen and why did you expect it to?.
Loads of people have rocky times when planning a wedding and often it is the female who does things like buy the gifts as happens in most marriages for birthdays and Christmas etc afterwards. Thats pretty normal. Many men are just bad at that sort of thing.
You seem somewhat over reactive about things that have happened. Not being bought presents isnt traumatic. Thoughtless maybe, but far far from a trauma. Nothing you have said has happened warrants being called traumatic in anyway and certainly not 'life changing'. The marriage isnt what you thought it was going to be, you have only been married for 2 years and have no children so if you must leave then do so and move on.
Whatever you do, I would suggest that you get into some good long term counselling to see what the issues are with you and go from there. Maybe you saw him as your night in shining armour to rescue you from the family you seem to dislike and resent, and he hasn't measured up to your standards.
Speaking as a man, not good at gifts at one thing, lots of women are not good at gifts too, but there is NO EXCUSE for not getting gifts at all. Or going on a honeymoon or supporting her when she is struggling. Just on the gift thing, Men who don't get gifts are just lazy PsOS. I am tired of that excuse. It's not brain surgery. I'm sure they can buy the next game, or tool or part for their car. Get online spend 10 mins and buy something.

If that is what you are saying then shame of you for accepting so little.

Nope this ain't the 50s, OP set the bar much higher then that, you will have a better life even if you are alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,823 Posts
Speaking as a man, not good at gifts at one thing, lots of women are not good at gifts too, but there is NO EXCUSE for not getting gifts at all. Or going on a honeymoon or supporting her when she is struggling. Just on the gift thing, Men who don't get gifts are just lazy PsOS. I am tired of that excuse. It's not brain surgery. I'm sure they can buy the next game, or tool or part for their car. Get online spend 10 mins and buy something.

If that is what you are saying then shame of you for accepting so little.

Nope this ain't the 50s, OP set the bar much higher then that, you will have a better life even if you are alone.
In my experience its nearly always the wives who write the Christmas cards, organise the wedding invites, buy the family gifts etc, they are just better at it.
Either way none of this is a trauma, or 'life changing'. Those are things like being raped, or your spouse being killed, or being beaten up, or loosing a child or being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not being bought a present or having a honeymoon doesn't fall into that category. Its not ideal but its not a major life event in anyway.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,763 Posts
It's a lack of respect though, and it cuts deep.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
809 Posts
In my experience its nearly always the wives who write the Christmas cards, organise the wedding invites, buy the family gifts etc, they are just better at it.
Either way none of this is a trauma, or 'life changing'. Those are things like being raped, or your spouse being killed, or being beaten up, or loosing a child or being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not being bought a present or having a honeymoon doesn't fall into that category. Its not ideal but its not a major life event in anyway.
I know we're each subject to our own opinion, and this is said with respect, but....why do you feel like you get to judge what traumatizes people and what does not traumatize people? If the OP says she feels traumatized by what she's through in her marriage and with her husband...it's not our job to tell her what she is and is not traumatized by.

This is HER story...not yours and not mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,745 Posts
In my experience its nearly always the wives who write the Christmas cards, organise the wedding invites, buy the family gifts etc, they are just better at it.
Either way none of this is a trauma, or 'life changing'. Those are things like being raped, or your spouse being killed, or being beaten up, or loosing a child or being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not being bought a present or having a honeymoon doesn't fall into that category. Its not ideal but its not a major life event in anyway.
They still get gifts for their spouses though. Dude sounds like a terrible husband. Why waste your life.
 
  • Like
Reactions: hubbyintrubby

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,064 Posts
Let's see if the OP comes back or if she's a one-hit-wonder. Sounds like a lot of drama and immaturity on both sides. This marriage is kaput. Hopefully, she'll get out. But who knows? Some people get into a cycle of drama and find it hard to escape.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Diana7

·
Registered
Joined
·
96 Posts
Divorce him and move on, what else is there to do? You can't change someone and you sound like you are very miserable in this marriage. I dont see any way it can continue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,823 Posts
I know we're each subject to our own opinion, and this is said with respect, but....why do you feel like you get to judge what traumatizes people and what does not traumatize people? If the OP says she feels traumatized by what she's through in her marriage and with her husband...it's not our job to tell her what she is and is not traumatized by.

This is HER story...not yours and not mine.
Thats why I suggested she needs help and counselling, because she clearly has other issues that make things that are not THAT bad seem like major life traumas. How will she cope with real life trauma if /when they come her way if she cant cope now? Its sounds as if she and her family have lots of issues as well and things like that just get taken into the next relationship if they are not dealth with. I hope she will seek some help for herself.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top