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I am a complete mess. I talked to my husband last week and let him know I decided we needed to get divorced. This was a decision I have been struggling with for 2 years, but finally decided it was time. He listened to what I had to say, but then responded with things such as- "no, I cant let you go" and "This cant be happening". I told him he didn't have much of a choice, because it is just too late. He left for an hour, came back and said he wasn't going to try to convince me. I felt so relieved, but then he said he wanted one thing... for me to try one more time. I felt like I had been knocked over. I have given him so many chances, and finally made my decision, and NOW he wants to try? I told him no, and that we should take the rest of the night to process. the next day I told him nothin had changed. He was literally on his hands and knees begging me for another chance. He is taking all blame, saying things will be different. It makes me feel so guilty that he is so upset, but I keep reminding myself, there are reasons I came to this conclusion. The next day he makes me watch a video about making a marriage work, and then throws at me a program he bought that he wants to do with me that will "fix" our marriage. Its a 6 week program. I told him no, that it wont work, and if I agree to it, it will be him trying for 6 weeks, while I wait for it to be over. He doesnt care, he still wants that chance. He keeps begging, and pleading, and now I am feeling beat down. The decision I had made is starting to turn grey, and I am afreaid to give in and end up back in this position in a few years. I am scared because I think the program could work, but I am not sure if I want it to. Here is some of our backstory.

Dating for 4 years, married at 21. Now married for 9 years. 2 kids, 4 and 7. Lots of problems- He doesnt respect me. He put me in a physical situation with another other couple that I TOLD him I didnt want to be in, and pressured me. (I didnt though). He has been caught posting a profile on a gross website looking for a woman (or multiple)- although he swears he just made a profile to check out the site. He doesnt try in our marriage. He is short with me. He lies to me about stupid things, and about bigger things. I have caught him lying about hanging out with someone he has hour and a half conversations with- he says shes gross and they are just friends. That they just talk about work. We havent had sex in over a year, and it was a year before that. I just cant bring myself to.

Trying to list all the things I feel are wrong is a lot harder than I thought. I think over the last 4 years I have just pushed a lot of them out of my mind, in order to try to make the marriage work. At one point, 2 years ago, I left him, but when he cried and begged, I agreed to try. I sought counseling, and we went to marriage counseling together, and I feel as though I have tried everything. It was a big deal for me to make the decision to divorce, because I love my kids, and also, I hate hurting people. I dont want to hurt my husband, and I dont want my friends and family to judge me. They think any marriage can work if you try, but I know now, that BOTH people have to try for it to work.

Now, I am having a very hard time. He SAYS he is willing to work. He said he didnt realize how serious it was (but hello I tried to lave once before). He thought it was MY issue. We were going to MC for ME to change, and that he thought I would just 'come around'. I feeel like I gave him many chances, but he feels the opposite. He wants one more- I feel as though I gave him that one more chance many times.

I just dont know if I want it to work. I mean, obviously I DO- I dont want to deal with a divorce, but I just dont want it to work, deep down. I think we could coexist decently, but I dont think the passion would ever come back,a nd I am not sure I could ever get over the issue with the other couple, and the website stuff- not sure I can trust him.

When I made the decision to divorce, it felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shuolders, and I was almost excited. NOW I am a mess again, feeling like I have a decision to make again. He is asking for just 6 weeks, and says if it doesnt work, at least he will feel like he tried everything. I am scared if I agree I will end up here again in 6 weeks, but with less to stand on- or it will be another 3 years before I have the guts to do it again.

How do I tell him NO to 6 weeks, and we ARE divorcing, when he is trying so hard now? Do I just give it to him? Should I try to make it work with this guy that everyone sees as amazing, but I feel differently about?

I feel like a failure, and am blaming myself. Feeling selfish for hurting him and eventually my kids, all because I want to be happy. Maybe settling is best for everyone else and I should just do that? :( I dont know what to do. I am sorry for rambling, but any advice, or thoughts would be appreciated.

thank you.
 
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