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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a complete mess. I talked to my husband last week and let him know I decided we needed to get divorced. This was a decision I have been struggling with for 2 years, but finally decided it was time. He listened to what I had to say, but then responded with things such as- "no, I cant let you go" and "This cant be happening". I told him he didn't have much of a choice, because it is just too late. He left for an hour, came back and said he wasn't going to try to convince me. I felt so relieved, but then he said he wanted one thing... for me to try one more time. I felt like I had been knocked over. I have given him so many chances, and finally made my decision, and NOW he wants to try? I told him no, and that we should take the rest of the night to process. the next day I told him nothin had changed. He was literally on his hands and knees begging me for another chance. He is taking all blame, saying things will be different. It makes me feel so guilty that he is so upset, but I keep reminding myself, there are reasons I came to this conclusion. The next day he makes me watch a video about making a marriage work, and then throws at me a program he bought that he wants to do with me that will "fix" our marriage. Its a 6 week program. I told him no, that it wont work, and if I agree to it, it will be him trying for 6 weeks, while I wait for it to be over. He doesnt care, he still wants that chance. He keeps begging, and pleading, and now I am feeling beat down. The decision I had made is starting to turn grey, and I am afreaid to give in and end up back in this position in a few years. I am scared because I think the program could work, but I am not sure if I want it to. Here is some of our backstory.

Dating for 4 years, married at 21. Now married for 9 years. 2 kids, 4 and 7. Lots of problems- He doesnt respect me. He put me in a physical situation with another other couple that I TOLD him I didnt want to be in, and pressured me. (I didnt though). He has been caught posting a profile on a gross website looking for a woman (or multiple)- although he swears he just made a profile to check out the site. He doesnt try in our marriage. He is short with me. He lies to me about stupid things, and about bigger things. I have caught him lying about hanging out with someone he has hour and a half conversations with- he says shes gross and they are just friends. That they just talk about work. We havent had sex in over a year, and it was a year before that. I just cant bring myself to.

Trying to list all the things I feel are wrong is a lot harder than I thought. I think over the last 4 years I have just pushed a lot of them out of my mind, in order to try to make the marriage work. At one point, 2 years ago, I left him, but when he cried and begged, I agreed to try. I sought counseling, and we went to marriage counseling together, and I feel as though I have tried everything. It was a big deal for me to make the decision to divorce, because I love my kids, and also, I hate hurting people. I dont want to hurt my husband, and I dont want my friends and family to judge me. They think any marriage can work if you try, but I know now, that BOTH people have to try for it to work.

Now, I am having a very hard time. He SAYS he is willing to work. He said he didnt realize how serious it was (but hello I tried to lave once before). He thought it was MY issue. We were going to MC for ME to change, and that he thought I would just 'come around'. I feeel like I gave him many chances, but he feels the opposite. He wants one more- I feel as though I gave him that one more chance many times.

I just dont know if I want it to work. I mean, obviously I DO- I dont want to deal with a divorce, but I just dont want it to work, deep down. I think we could coexist decently, but I dont think the passion would ever come back,a nd I am not sure I could ever get over the issue with the other couple, and the website stuff- not sure I can trust him.

When I made the decision to divorce, it felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shuolders, and I was almost excited. NOW I am a mess again, feeling like I have a decision to make again. He is asking for just 6 weeks, and says if it doesnt work, at least he will feel like he tried everything. I am scared if I agree I will end up here again in 6 weeks, but with less to stand on- or it will be another 3 years before I have the guts to do it again.

How do I tell him NO to 6 weeks, and we ARE divorcing, when he is trying so hard now? Do I just give it to him? Should I try to make it work with this guy that everyone sees as amazing, but I feel differently about?

I feel like a failure, and am blaming myself. Feeling selfish for hurting him and eventually my kids, all because I want to be happy. Maybe settling is best for everyone else and I should just do that? :( I dont know what to do. I am sorry for rambling, but any advice, or thoughts would be appreciated.

thank you.

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4,721 Posts
If your internal self is the little voice saying not to give him another chance and you would only be doing the 6 weeks out of pity or not wanting to "hurt" him...don't do it.

You owe it to yourself to take a stand. It sounds like your H thinks if he begs and pleads this time you will stick around. If you take him back he will just repeat behavior and, like you mentioned, you will be back in this position again years later.

Why has he not tried IC? Why is it all YOUR issues?? B/c you want to leave? Who can blame you if he is cheating on you!

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4,156 Posts
You have just been EMOTIONALLY ABUSED for SO LONG, that you're all screwed up in the head by his manipulations and pity party.

Tell him NO, and MEAN IT. If you try this program for 6 weeks, you KNOW IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS he isn't REALLY going to try to make LASTING changes. He'll make JUST ENOUGH change to say, 'Look at how HARD I'm trying!' And as soon as you're back to stay, he'll be back to being a douche-bag! All it will do is make you have to make the same declaration 6 weeks from now and then he'll be saying 'You were just stringing me along. Look HOW HARD *I've* worked...and for what? You got the kids' hopes up FOR NOTHING!' All a bunch of manipulative LIES, but he'll tell them to you nonetheless.

He has had THIRTEEN Y-E-A-R-S to get on the same page as you, and has he BOTHERED? Hell, no!

He has had THREE SOLID YEARS to do the things that needed to be done, make the changes that needed to be made since THE LAST TIME you couldn't take any more of his emotional abuse. Did he BOTHER to make the changes? Hell, no!

Trying to FORCE you into GROUP SEX?!? WTF is his problem? That's only okay if you're BOTH OKAY with it.

Websites for himself to get involved in group sex? Feel free, buddy, just don't bring your skanky azz home to me and expect me to take the leftovers. Signed up 'just to look around', yeah. And Jerry Sandusky is just a BIG VICTIM of a conspiracy by everybody he's ever known. uh-huh!

YOU are teaching your children (by example) HOW to be grown men and women. You are teaching them (by example) HOW to be husbands/wives, what a marriage looks like, what they should expect, how to model their own marriages. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN DEALING WITH IN 20 YEARS?

If you would be ASHAMED to let your children read the things you've written about your husband, then you should be ASHAMED to stay married to him and have him be a daily, living, example of a man and a husband. DO BETTER FOR YOUR CHILDREN THAN THIS!

You have NEVER been with any man except your husband. You've been with him since you were 17yo. I would guess you're somewhat concerned about life after him, life without him. Well, honey, it can't be WORSE than being with a man who has NO RESPECT for you as a person, as a woman, as a wife, as the mother of his children. ANYTHING after this is pretty much gravy.

You CAN do so much better for yourself and your children. You need to LEAVE THIS MARRIAGE N-O-W!

1.) Talk to a divorce attorney about you and the kids leaving the home or having your husband leave the home. Tell him about the website and the attempt to force you into group sex against your will. If your H tries to make a play to have the children, WHAT WILL THEY SEE when they're spending visitation time (overnight) at his house? (*shudder*)

2.) Get into IC immediately. Don't say you don't have money; look for free, low-cost, sliding-scale therapy. Ask via women's crisis lines (because you are DEFINITELY ABUSED) for direction to affordable therapy, housing, working on job skills (if necessary), etc.

3.) Enlist your family's HELP in this matter. If your parents are supportive of you, then EXPLAIN to them the problems you have had with your H. He will TRY TO MANIPULATE THEM and everyone around your marriage. You need to pre-empt him by getting to them FIRST with THE TRUTH.

4.) Be sure to talk to your counselor about your kids and see if THEY will need assistance.

Keep coming to TAM for people who WILL SUPPORT YOU! Many of us have been RIGHT EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE (some even with the same group-sex problems), others have been in similar situations or know close friends/relatives who have.

No-one is here to judge you! We ALL have lived through screwed-up marriages (some are still in them trying to find some sanity, some answers); that's why we came to TAM JUST LIKE YOU. To find some answers, some non-judgemental advice, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent, whatever you need (literally 24/7 since people are on here from around the world).

Hang tough, Lynn! You're fighting for yourself AND your kids!

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468 Posts
This sounds similar to my life. I wanted a threesome. I disrespected my wife while at families homes for get togethers, even just us out in public. I never cheated on my wife and never would.

I haven't been the greatest husband. However, we've had LOTS of great times. My wife and I were doing fine (for what it's worth) up until younger guys came up to help our business. SHe wanted attention and I was busy building / working. We had a fight, she kicked me ot the dog house and she went and slept with a 19 yr old twice.

My world has been turned upside down. I've been kicked while down, stomped on, made fun of and all by my friends and family. It hurts me almost as much, if not more, to know how I"d been. However, I also realize that it's no excuse for cheating. I realized how much my wife and daughter mean to me. I'm changing. i've been changing. For myself. I've been getting help online, from someone here and another forum.

I've done the "I'll change and be better" Before bit too. However, this isn't the same. My eyes have been woken up. Opened WIDE OPEN. And I regret not putting my wife #1. She is my world, my daughter and my wife are the only thing for me in this life. I can't imagine a life w/o them. NOW... I see. NOW I know it's for real. To me? I AM doing the changes necessary. I WILL NOT go back to being a half azzed husband.

However, My marriage may just be over. My wife has been on anti depressants, slept with a young man, has tons of stress and I just don't know if she can pull through with faith in me. I am here, I am going to be everything she's been needing me to be.

Men can change. Men can be woken up. I'm sorry. To all of you that have been treated this way. It's almost an illness. However, I realize now what it all means and truly believe I'm better. No, you don't get better over night. But It's not been over night for me either. It's been almost 2 months.

If you're the world to a man, and throw him on the ground and stomp on him hard enough, he will change for you. Sometimes it takes a LOT of tuff love to get it, but you HAVE to work on things as well! My wife couldn't talk to me, so I'm making changes so that'll be much easier for her to tell me when I'm doing wrong.

If you love him at all, please think about my situation. I'm devastated. I truly am. My world is crumbling. I love this woman (and my daughter) with all my heart. I've NEVER been slapped with reality like this before.

2.5 months ago my wife came to me, prior to our blow up and the young guys coming around, and told me "baby, I love you soo much. please don't you ever leave me, I don't know what I"d do without you. Thank you for loving me and giving me Jordan"

That's when it clicked. Wheels started turning. I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. I should've acted sooner. She even said, had I given her the attention I'd given her after our fighting, we'd probably not even be going through this.

I kinda skipped, I'm sorry. (edited by teh way, or adding ths content) I'm sorry it's so rough. My situation isn't that bad. But, I just wanted to tell you where I stand as the party you're talking about. My world has never been rocked like it has been in the last 2 months. I'm devastated. I can't handle this alone, hence why I'm here. Now, if your man is in my position, he may be screwing up, clinging etc. But you also have to make sure he IS WHERE I'M AT! I know my heart now, I know my mistakes.. NOW... it may be too late, but if your man is willing to do w/e it takes, maybe give a chance? I'm seriously working on myself and etc. I just hope that i'ts not too late for my family.
Some... men.. CAN change. Some can, but they have to WANT to change! Hope this helps a bit. This is from his point of view.. because I'm there.

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859 Posts
The lies, the pressure for kinky sex, the garbage about not really going on the site looking for's all a sign of a compulsive liar.
MC may just give him more tools to manipulate you with.
If YOU want to do the six weeks just to prove to your family that you tried it is up to you. It could be the 'out' you need, if you are a woman that needs to prove that she did everything.
But either way he needs major help and IC with his compulsive, pathological lying and scheming.
He's panicking now.He only seems amazing to people because you've shielded him.
Could you ever want to touch him again? The doubt would always be there.

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19,381 Posts
Ask him about individual counseling.

His attitude should tell you everything.

No reason for you to get involved in him, but also no reason to rush the paperwork.

Tell him IC 2x/week for 3 months.

Then you'll have a talk with him.

No promises.

And, observe how he reacts to that from 50,000 feet.


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468 Posts
Yeah, he's got a lot more issues than I do / did. I hope he flips for you like I did for my wife. I realize now, that I want to live FOR my wife, not just with her.

If he's really wanting to work on it, he'll do w/e you want him to and he'll actually change and you'll see the counseling help. I'm only getting online help for a few weeks now and my family and friends are telling me how different (better) I am already. I haven't yelled (except at a telemarketer that WONT STOP CALLING... lol) And I haven't gotten road rage, I haven't called people names.... I have been much nicer to everyone... and I FEEL GOOD about it! It's NICE to be this good, instead of so hateful.

If you can't see the "new man" in him, he hasn't had his world crushed...imo. But again, my world truly is / was crushed... but it probably needed to happen for me.

Good luck, I hope things get easier / better for you.
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