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She is still in contact! She has no respect for you or your marriage. Oh a year? I am calling bull**** on that assertion by her. It went physical the first time they met in IMHO. You should man up NOW. First read up and implement the 180. Let her know that three is a crowd in a marriage and you will not share her. Next serve her with divorce papers. Nothing says you mean business like having papers served on her.

Consider Exposure. Expose to close friends and family. Nothing kills an affair like exposure. Please quit being a doormat.
 

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"EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her? "

First, expose her to your/her family -- she is NOT an angel by any means. Don't care what she does to make it "look" like she is a good person -- she is not.
Second, I HOPE you have copies of those texts someplace and keep them safe.
Third, you WILL NOT be able to make the marriage work -- she is still in contact with the POSOM -- how do you expect to have a marriage with him still invovled?

Get your finances together, get to a NUMBER of the best divorce lawyers in your area (so she can't use any of them), pick the best who will GET YOU the best deal out of this, and then hand her divorce papers.
It is the only way to shock her out of this, if at all.
Honestly, after what she is doing, WHY would you want to stay married to that. She is NOT the person you think you know -- she is now showing her true self and you deserve way better than someone who cheats on you.
 

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She is an angel? And? Lucifer was an angel. And look how THAT ended?

You need to get tested for STDs, make sure she knows this, and you need counselling for you to help you recover from what she has done to you.

Marriage counselling will not work because she is still cheating.

Why the confession? Perhaps he proposed to her and she kept putting him off until she admitted she was married or he found out in some other way and was so angry that she wasted three years of his life and threatened to expose her as a cheater?
 

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I believe that you should follow standard protocol for this until such time as you determine what you want, and what her motivations were. I generally believe that consequences should be meted out based on the aforementioned. Your first stop should be with legal counsel. Have a divorce drawn up. You never know what the reaction will be until you have those pieces of paper in your hand. What are your rights and obligations. Second, you need to contact the OM and his wife. Nobody emerges from this unscathed. Third, if they work together, that stops now. Even if it hurts her career, and damages you financially, the pain will be longer lived if she keeps falling into affairs. I usually recommend a period of separation. I have advised one woman that a separation does not mean that you are free to have an open relationship with your AP, it means that you are cut off from both. You get to see what life is like when you are totally alone and are fighting to keep your marriage. Oh and by the way, the game, and the conversations. They are done. Period.

You need to eat, drink, sleep and work out. She needs to explain herself. That is just for starters.
Read here, and heed our advice. Most of us have been through this in one form or another. Some of us are professionals who see variations of what you are experiencing. Keep checking back.

And Gandalf, I urge you to do the one thing they absolutely positively hate. Tell. Tell everyone. I have had women in my office saying that their husband destroyed every bit of reputation they had, by telling every single friend and relative. I have had men saying that their businesses and lives were destroyed as their credibility was now non existent. The first and best reaction to an affair is to drag it out into the light. Affairs thrive in the dark, shine a light on the wrongdoing. You need to see her reactions to this in order to gauge effectively what your path is going forward.
 

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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so ****ING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
Truth is you must file.
No other choice will lead to meaning and happiness for you.
Sorry.
 

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She's trusting and loving? No that would be the description of the husband that made her actions possible. While you bust your but for the family, making it possible for her to have time and resources to play Mother Teresa, you get less from her. You trusted that the emotional distance and all the time away from you was because she's so selfless, but it so she can steal moments to spend time with her lover. If she's not in touch with her lover, she's spending time with her older sibling. YOu received the little that was left in the tank and probably attributed her emotional distance as her being tired but it was her way of creating distance as to not cheat on her lover.

For nearly a decade your loving and trusting wife betrayed the family, putting her emotional energy into another man. Don't buy that it went physical for the past year. This has been a sexual PA since they met 3 years ago. After 6 years of an EA, it must have been explosive night of passion when them met.

As for her confession, I strongly doubt it was given out of guilt; at least not guilt for cheating on you. Either POS was found out by his wife or someone saw them together OR possibly she hopes you divorce her, so she can be with her "soul mate." Her continuing to tell this guy she loves him AFTER she confessed, is the proof you need that it had nothing to do with guilt. She goes through the motions with you but her heart belongs to POS.

Personally I think you should file for divorce but it appears you're not there yet and want to try and salvage this travesty of a marriage. If that's what you really want then you must bring the light of day to her deeds. If you cover up her years of infidelity, her family going to think she's being bullied and that you all of a sudden became a control freak.

Don't let embarrassment due to thoughts of being less of a man keep you from fully exposing her. I know you feel emasculated by her betrayal but it has nothing to do with you being less of a man. It's about a wife who thinks she's entitled to your resources while giving her love to another. Also don't fear pushing her away. She's more checked out that you think. If facing the truth of who she's been for nearly a decade, causes her to run off, then let her go.

The exposure must be to the entire family, including PG version to any teenage kids. Don't help her deceive others into thinking you're having marital problems because you're just growing apart. Without consequences, it's more likely that she'll continue to betray you. Remember that adultery flourishes while hidden.

PS: Stop calling this POS a gentlemen. Do you really think he didn't know she was married after 9 years? She said that so you won't expose him to his wife. Which you MUST do.
 

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Well, your WW wanted to get the guilt off her mind. She has done so. Back to doing what she was doing guilt free now. Life is good for your WW...at least in her mind. Guilt free and all. File man...just file.
 

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Your wife has a cupcake in one hand and a knife in her back stabbing hand.

You don’t mention kids. If you have any, they need to be DNA tested. No matter how that turns out you are their dad.

I didn’t catch how far away this guy lives.

Your wife lies with ease. Everything she tells you has to be independently verified. Never give her your sources. Just say something like you know she is lying. How do you know she isn’t still banging him? Do you know him?
 

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jsmart said:
She goes through the motions with you but her heart belongs to POS.
This is a common position for cheaters. They like the advantages, good life, facade before the family and friends, and kids.... but they want to "buy it cheap".... with no fidelity, dedication, or effort on their marriage and especially not upon you. Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 2, "What To Do After D-Day".

Your wife has now relieved herself of guilt. She can proceed to cake-eating with no inhibitions, now.
 

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She's already divorced you, in her world.
You just refuse to except this.....We all do this as BS.
File, get your train moving forward.
 

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Her staying in contact the OM proves that she didnt confess out of guilt, and proves she doesnt want to make your marriage work. You say this is your life now, well right now this is your choice to stay where you are. Until you make a better choice, nothing is going to change.
 

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What kills me about this is everyone thinking his WW is some super kind and loving woman. This has been going on for so long that it's become normal for him. It is poor Gandalf, that's been the trusting one. He actually believed this "gentlemen" didn't know after 9 years that she was married.

His WW gives to everyone but the man who's had her back. I'd gamble that he's endured years of duty sex. A woman doesn't give herself to another woman without completely detaching from their husband.
@Gandalf the Sad , I hope you don't run off because our response are hard to hear, you desperately needs TAM. You must expose your wife to all and expose POS to his wife. Your WW is trying to protect her man by lying about him not knowing.

Do NOT be afraid to blow it all up. Consistently we see here on TAM that it is the BHs that try to nice their wives and rug sweep the affair that end up with indifferent wives who try to continue the affair. It is the bold, decisive BHs that go Shock and Awe, that end up with WWs that scramble to save the marriage.
 

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I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call.
Why should she stop contacting him? Your actions have shown her that you don’t think what she did was a big deal. She told you what she did and nothing changed. You went straight to working on the marriage and her life went on as it always has.

What would your actions be if she backed her car into your mailbox and knocked it over? It seems that your actions would be about the same.

If you immediately fix someone’s problem they are never impacted by its magnitude.

Let’s say that your doctor told you that you had cancer. Then they immediately added that the cure is in their pocket. How upset would you be that you had cancer?
By offing working on the marriage right out of the box she hasn’t had to even THINK of consequences.

That’s why I say that divorce must always be on the table even if in your own mind you 100% want to R. Your value in a long marriage is stability, family, reputation, quality of day to day life and someone to grow old with in sickness and in health.

You have allowed her to take all that for granted. You’re like a dad that will never kick his teenage daughter out of the house no matter what she does. Why shouldn’t she continue to sneak out of her bedroom window to see the boy he doesn’t approve of? The only way he can get her to take things seriously is to convince her that he might actually kick her out of the house.

The only reason to not at least mention divorce is that you’re afraid that she will take you up on it. If you can’t live without her no matter she does you’re so screwed.
 

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Her staying in contact the OM proves that she didnt confess out of guilt, and proves she doesnt want to make your marriage work.
I said it before, and I'll say it again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. When my WW refused to dump the OM, I should have been done in the next 5 seconds with any attempt at trying to work on the marriage. Instead, it took me another year to recognize that she had no intentions of a "working" marriage with me, she only wanted me to pay the bills, provide a built-in baby sitter so she could go phuck him. She didn't want our marriage, she only wanted what it could provide, that she knew damned well wouldn't be provided by the OM (who already had a wife and family).

jsmart said:
It is the bold, decisive BHs that go Shock and Awe, that end up with WWs that scramble to save the marriage.
Let me clue you in on something. I went Shock and Awe. I told everybody. The affair was over within a month. The OM liked having a wife and a girl friend, but he couldn't handle having two wives. However, the marriage was over. I wasted a year of my life. Should have been 5 seconds. Shock and Awe, and haul a$$.
 
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