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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so ****ING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
 

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Why do you want to exactly? If you want to be mad at yourself be mad at allowing yourself to still be bullied.

You know with the right "decent" women she will just tell you she is unhappy so you can work on it she won't use it to go have an affair. And as far as being unhappy, I bet you are unhappy now right? Why shouldn't you go **** someone? You should ask her this, by her logic you should right?

Seriously dude your wife sucks, you are settling and life is short. I bet she probably always sucked to some extent, people like your wife usually do. You probably just don't know any better. It's not you it's her.

YOUR WIFE IS NOT A PATH FOR HAPPINESS ANY MORE.

Go get a lawyer and file.
 

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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
The only defense you have is you wanted to save the marriage. Worrying about what others say about your wife is an excuse to stay in a poor maririage. Worrying about the good things she does for others is an excuse.

Did she tell you she was unhappy or is that you making another excuse?

Problems in the marriage are 50/50, not the cheating.
I am not trying to be mean, but her cheating is not your fault.
 

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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call.

You jumped into trying to save the marriage? Why? If they are still talking the affair is ongoing. You are on a fools errand bud

When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind.

You stayed so in essence you are accepting an open marruage on her end. Why?

How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
It's not up to you to make the marriage work at this point. It's all on her.

Sounds like you're making the very stupid mistake of helping hide their affair.

Better wake up. At this time all you're doing is enabling a cheater and feeding her cake.

You feed a cake eater they just want more cake.

So you want to work on the marriage? The affair has to end first which it hasn't.

You're only good option at this time is full exposure. Other mans wife, his and your wife's family and friends. No warning and do it all at once.

I suspect you are to affraid to fo anything. What's that get you? More of the same.

You're probably worried you might make her mad and push her away. Don't be. She already left.
 

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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
You can’t.

And you can’t make it work without her either way — she has to carry her own weight.

And that will involve, among other other things, PERMANENTLY cutting any and all contact with her affair partner.

No texts, no phone calls, no emails, no in-game messages, social media contact, and FFS no in-person contact of any kind.

If she’s not willing to do that then just cut her loose. You’ll both be happier in the long run, even if you can’t see that right now.
 

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You can’t.

And you can’t make it work without her either way — she has to carry her own weight.

And that will involve, among other other things, PERMANENTLY cutting any and all contact with her affair partner.

No texts, no phone calls, no emails, no in-game messages, social media contact, and FFS no in-person contact of any kind.

If she’s not willing to do that then just cut her loose. You’ll both be happier in the long run, even if you can’t see that right now.
This ^^ If she won't do those things, and hesitates for even a second, there's your answer.

The marriage won't stand a chance at all if she remains in contact with the POSOM.
 

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I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel.
Sorry, now you are a member of a club that none of us wanted to join. But, you can let yourself go on this one. Cheaters are very adept at living a "double life". They hide their activities well from others, mostly from their spouse whom they are betraying. They become excellent liars and hypocrites. Con artists, if you will.... real pros.....


How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
Well, BTDT. I tried to make the marriage work. For more than a year. But, the "bottom line" came. I didn't want to accept it, but I came to the "breaking point", after which I did the "180":

THE 180

The 180 did absolutely nothing to change my wife. It did not make me trust her in any way, actually, my "epiphany" was that I could not be "safe" with her emotionally. I could not be intimate with her anymore..... It was OVER.....it was over from the day I found out about her affair.....I just didn't want it to be.....

The 180 helped me, though, to bring myself out of the ashes and live my own life again.....

So, this is my life now.
Well, BTDT, too. I accepted and ate the $hit $andwich. But, there came a time, after that year I told you about, that I decided that I wasn't going to eat it ever again. I made my life different, going forward. She wasn't a part of it, that's all.

@frusdil has it exactly right. But, I only know this because of "hindsight". We went to a MC who handed her a telephone, right there in the meeting, and told her to call her AP and tell him her forever goodbye, right here, and right now. She wouldn't. That's when I should have paid the guy, walked out of the office, and never gone back to her again. He told me that I had every good right, on that basis, to end my marriage. He was right..... but it took me another year to see it.

And, @GusPolinski has it exactly right, too. You will be happier..... but it's hard to see that right now. It was, for me. But, I finally got there.
 

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I would be tough like hell.
Do not beg, plead or do the pick me dance.
It will NEVER work!
Give her divorce papers.
It will shake her up.
Her response will tell you everything.
If she wants to save the marriage, fine.
Clock is now ticking.
If not, you will know.
Kick her out like trash.
Tell her that.
Communication is the key.
Tell her how you feel.
All day long.
How much you hate her and her actions.
How she destroyed your marriage.
Every day, so she will remember it for the rest of her sad life.
Make sure you tell her what you want
and if she does not agree you will expose her for what she really is.
No mercy for her.
Do not feel sorry for her.
She is an adult and crushed her life and marriage.
Cheating is 100% her fault.
Tell her all that.
 

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How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
Why WOULD you?

She's been cheating on you for 3 years now. You got a sudden 'confession' from her for reasons unknown at the moment but I'm willing to bet it wasn't due to guilt or remorse. When they cheat for a long time and then you get a sudden confession out of the blue, that usually means they only told you because they thought they were about to be exposed.

Think about it OP. Why on earth would she 'confess' to you then continue LYING to you when you ask her questions about the affair? That right there is a glaring indication that her so-called 'confession' wasn't altruistic at ALL. I'm willing to bet her boyfriend was possibly threatening to tell you because she finally told him she was married and he was angry at her (and rightfully so), or perhaps HE also has a girlfriend/wife and she found out about these two and your wife was petrified she'd tell you. You got that phony confession from your wife for a reason - and it's NOT because she's wracked with guilt. I think that ship sailed a long time ago.

If you choose to stay with her, then know that you're choosing to stay with someone who thought it was perfectly fine - for over 3 long years - to LIE to your face on a daily basis, betray you on a daily basis, deceive you on a daily basis, gas-light you on a daily basis, and disrespect you on a daily basis.

Why would you WANT to stay with someone capable of that type of vile behavior?
 

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An honest spouse would have come to you and told you something before they decided to cheated. Maybe she did and you ignored it. An honest spouse would have left and then found someone else, which is not cheating.

Let me add, to me, three years is not guilt, someone saw them or the guy made a request. A few days or months maybe, three years I do not buy a guilty confession at all. You did something that made her think you discovered the affair or the other guy asked her to get married.
 

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Hello,

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?
Sorry. So sorry. You don't. And so long as she is continuing with him and not fully engaging with you, she does not really want to. Maybe regardless she does not really want to.
 

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I'm so sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you found this forum. Lots of helpful people here. Listen to them, they know the drill. Your wife is trying to have the best of both worlds. She's taking all the advantages of being married to you while she's off ****ing someone else. I can't even imagine the mind of someone who actually thinks that is okay. If you don't want to share your wife, you're going to need to end things with her. Do the 180 for your own sake, not hers. It will only help you in the long run.

Keep coming here. It's a good place to get guidance and support.
 

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YOU don't "make this marriage work".

She does.

If she doesn't then it's over.

This is one thing I learned from my ex and his EA (maybe PA at one time but know knows). I made all of the effort, including dragging him to counseling which he minimally participated in. He not only made no effort to deal with anything, he actively withdrew the efforts he used to make as a normal part of the marriage to punish me for "not letting it go" and "wanting to be miserable".

Yet he was shocked when I divorced him.

You sir shouldn't be making any effort right now....that should be coming from her and you can respond.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of her....I got rid of my ex and am much happier.
 

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An honest spouse would have come to you and told you something before they decided to cheated. Maybe she did and you ignored it. An honest spouse would have left and then found someone else, which is not cheating.

Let me add, to me, three years is not guilt, someone saw them or the guy made a request. A few days or months maybe, three years I do not buy a guilty confession at all. You did something that made her think you discovered the affair or the other guy asked her to get married.
Yep.
 

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Honestly. Your marriage is done.
You cannot make it work...she is the one who strayed and needs to put in all the work. But you say she’s still talking to her AP and saying she loves him? Enough is enough.
I agree with others here that say she didn’t just all of a sudden feel like she had to say something...there is definitely more coming. Be prepared.


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if she wanted the marriage to work and was truly repentant, then she wouldn't be having any more contact with him now. She has told you but the affair carries on, so what was the point of doing that?

If you still want to stay after all she has done and is doing, give her the choice of a)staying in the marriage which means stopping ALL contact for good and going to MC, or b)a divorce.

Also find out if he is married or in a relationship and if he is tell his wife/partner.

Who cares if she makes cup cakes, she is acting appallingly. They are going to realise soon that she isn't an angel at all.
 

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The saying goes: If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. Here are the tough choices you have to make to save it:

1. You forgave her before you even knew what you were forgiving. You gave her no consequences. What did you expect her to do, give up a 9 year long emotional affair, and a year long physical affair just like that?

2. File for divorce now. IF she changes for the better, (not likely) it can be stopped at your discretion. It may shock her into reality, it may not. Either way, you are closer to getting out of infidelity sooner either way. And, you will never trust her again totally.

3. Get an STD exam now, and insist on her doing the same. If not, divorce. She has been letting another man put his body fluids in her.

4. Start doing the 180 NOW. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

5. Insist on no more game play. Stop paying for her stupid game. Open all communications to you. If not, divorce.

6. Tell her that you want a timeline of the affair with descriptions of everything to be backed up by a polygraph exam. If not, divorce.

7. A no contact letter reviewed by you. No closure messages with him, either written or phone. If not, divorce.

8. A letter written by her outlining what she plans to do to rebuild the marriage.

9. She choses him or you immediately. If not divorce.

10. No begging from you, no more proposing to rebuild the marriage. She broke it, she has to fix it.

11. Start separating finances.Cut her off from your health insurance. Cut her out of your will.

12. Postnuptial agreement if you stay married.

13. Tell her to get a different place to live. She needs to see what living without you means.

14. Expose to friends and family. Find out if he has an SO. Expose to her also.

15. Women are drawn to courage, strength, and decisiveness. The only people that come out of this kind of crap with themselves intact are those who show strength. She has to see that you are ready to move on without her. She has to believe it or you will not save your marriage.
 

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. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?

Unfortunately you probably can’t. Very sorry you are here.

She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her."
This is what annoys me probably the most about these ‘confessions’. It is not done out of compassion to the spouse, it is only done out of the need of unburdening yourself from the guilt and dumping it onto the partner.
In her case, I think it is also done out of the need of putting the ball into your court for you to make the decision to leave her (and perhaps get you to look like the bad guy).

This is why I would never want to know. I would expect my partner to come to me and just say: “look, I’m not happy, I decided we should to go our separate ways” or just shut up and be the best wife you can be going forward and never speak a word of it.
Hate these bull**** mind games.


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