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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had a basic EA. Text and Photos exchanged. Nothing physical. I was temped but could not let it go there. Not even terribly emotional on my side. I was more intriqued than anything.

Wife found out. I was open, honest about everything. Gave her accesss to everything. Cut all contact and happy to do so. I was simply lonely because wife and I had been having difficulties.

I am committed to wife. She is obviously distraught.

So it's been a couple weeks. She has stated she wants to stay together and we will make it work. I have been attentive, affectionate and really being around for her. She's talking and being somewhat affectionate here and there but will not let me touch her intimately in any way. The lack of this part of our marriage is a large contributing factor of how we got here to begin with.

Anyways.... what's reasonable here? How long should I expect it to take for us to get some normalcy back in our relationship. For her to come to me and initiate affection as I am? For us to resume sexual relations? I know there will be triggers..... but it's been a couple weeks thus far and we feel like really nice roommates. What should I expect here...... I just want to start reaffirming and showing my love for her and hopefully have that reciprocated. I can't even initiate because she stops me if I try and touch her at all. The brow beats me if I try and discuss it.
 

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Theres no such thing about a basic EA, and you don't know where it would've led.

Don't talk as if you grew conscience and put an end to it and confessed.

Your wife had to snoop and find out.

Check your ego at the door because you come off as really obnoxious after getting a 2nd chance and getting grumpy cause your wife wouldn't want to be intimate with someone getting pics from other women.

If you want to 'show your love' then do some research on what a betrayed spouse needs after an affair, do it, and give her all the time she needs.
 

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Whatever you do, do NOT downplay the affair. Don't blame your wife for your straying. You made the choice. T2 is partially right. It can take 2-5 years to get past an affair. Ad for the sex... Dude, it's only been 2 weeks and you're trying to put the blame on her already? "The lack of this part of our marriage is a large contributing factor of how we got here to begin with." No, do NOT throw that as the EXCUSE for cheating on your wife. You cheated because you had poor boundaries and selfishly thought only of yourself.

Now, how did she find out about it? That's going to affect how she treats you as well. What has she read/heard/seen about your affair?

ETA: It doesn't matter if YOU are over it (which I HIGHLY doubt you are over it already), SHE is not. She JUST found out. My husband was in the very beginning of and it took me a couple MONTHS before I started to NOT see those texts in my mind all the time. I still have flashes every now and then...and we aren't even a year out yet! Seriously, expecting her to rug sweep this? LMAO! Don't count on it. You want to know when it will be "normal" again? When SHE is ready for it... and not a moment sooner!
 

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How was your sexual intimacy with your wife prior to you having the EA?
 

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You are only out a couple of weeks out. If you want to put things in perspective....think about how you would feel if she had done this to you. I am only 5 months out and still have a hard time believing that he wants me and only me. Remember you were the one who turned her whole world upside down. Give her time and compliments. Just hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. It goes a long way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that was difficult as she was a friend of the family.

Her husband found old pics etc and forwarded them to my wife. She knows I talked to our friends... she knows I didn't let it go any further.

1) I don't blame my wife, it's all on me.

2) I am doing research online.... that's why I'm here.

3) She feels I cheated and had an affair. Although I see how she could feel that way... I don't view it the SAME as having had a physical affair.

And I'm not distraught.... I never had actual "feelings" like that for the other woman. Which is why it doesn't feel like an affair to me because I WASNT emotionally connected. That said... I realize I was an ass and I feel like an ass. Now I'm trying to figure out what I should do.... and what is reasonable expectations because I have NEVER been through something like this before.
 

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How long did this EA go on? You say it was not physical and not emotional. So what did go on? Dirty talk? Picture exchanges? Dates?

Your wife now knows that you will cheat on her given the opportunity. She does not feel safe and loved anymore. So you have to take the time now to make her feel safe and loved.

The first thing to do it be completely transparent with her. Give her all your passwords, etc. Answer all her questions. She will ask you questions over and over. Just answer them truthfully and patiently... .over and over.

Get the books "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and the ones linked to below in my signature for building a passionate marriage.
You need to rebuild your marriage. These books will teach you how to build a passionate, affair proof marriage.

You are 100% responsible for having an EA.

The two of you share 50/50 the state of your marriage before the affair.
 

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About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that was difficult as she was a friend of the family.

Her husband found old pics etc and forwarded them to my wife. She knows I talked to our friends... she knows I didn't let it go any further.

1) I don't blame my wife, it's all on me.

2) I am doing research online.... that's why I'm here.

3) She feels I cheated and had an affair. Although I see how she could feel that way... I don't view it the SAME as having had a physical affair.


And I'm not distraught.... I never had actual "feelings" like that for the other woman. Which is why it doesn't feel like an affair to me because I WASNT emotionally connected. That said... I realize I was an ass and I feel like an ass. Now I'm trying to figure out what I should do.... and what is reasonable expectations because I have NEVER been through something like this before.
-- Yes, you should have stopped contact. Hindsight, of course. But even with it being difficult, you should have said "hey, honey, we have a problem here and I need your help fixing this before I do something stupid."

-- What kind of pictures were they?

-- Many people don't see EAs as anything "bad". Some see them as just "crossing boundaries" in friendship. But, it is still cheating, nonetheless. You put forth energy into talking with this woman, rather than discussing these things with your wife. This is what hurts your wife. Well, that and if the pics you sent to the OW were explicit...

-- So, what can you do? Give her time she needs to process this. Give her the space she needs. When she asks you a question, over and over, and over again...answer it each and every time... and don't get b!tchy with her about it either. Don't get the "God, why aren't you over this already??" attitude with her. She will be over it when she is over it... it's a process SHE needs to go through, and you need to keep communication open with her. You need to keep everything transparent. THIS is what you need to expect from this situation.


And YOU need to be patient. You hurt her, deeply... and now, you need to let her heal in her OWN time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Maricha75: Thanks... helpful words.

I'm trying to do all of that. There was one semi explicit picture from me. The rest were all tame. She sent me hundreds of explicit photos.

I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good. The worse part about this I think is that she was thin, blonde, and pretty. My wife is dark, and gained a little weight the last few years. She has said exactly that to me. It has killed her self confidence etc. But the truth is, i was and still am more attracted to my wife than I ever was her.... because I do have the emotional connection and still see my wife when I look at her the weigh I did when we met. I KNOW she has changed... but I don't really see it. I'm stuck in time. That's a hard point to make her understand though.
 

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Maricha75: Thanks... helpful words.

I'm trying to do all of that. There was one semi explicit picture from me. The rest were all tame. She sent me hundreds of explicit photos.

I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good. The worse part about this I think is that she was thin, blonde, and pretty. My wife is dark, and gained a little weight the last few years. She has said exactly that to me. It has killed her self confidence etc. But the truth is, i was and still am more attracted to my wife than I ever was her.... because I do have the emotional connection and still see my wife when I look at her the weigh I did when we met. I KNOW she has changed... but I don't really see it. I'm stuck in time. That's a hard point to make her understand though.
Disagree. IMHO, this is bad. If she isn't dealing with it head on and talking it through with you, IMHO she is retreating into herself and will construct her own reality about everything that happened within the EA. Exchanging pictures? My guess is that in your wife's eyes you DO find this slender blonde more attractive than your wife. What kind of pictures were they? Sexy? Nudes? Candids? If the pictures were provocative in any way then your wife will think you are giving her a line of bullsh!t by telling her that you find her more attractive than the OW. She hears your words, but she saw your actions. Guess which one carries more truth?

You need to keep your wife engaged in discussing the EA and providing her with constant reassurance. It will have to be balanced out with giving her time to process everything too. But the bottom line is that is she stops talking to you about this completely, then it could either fester into deeper resentment if not dealt with or she may be developing her own exit strategy and go the route of divorce.
 

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Oh and EA last a couple months.... although at the beginning was just a friendship that got carried away.
That's irrelevant - an EA is an EA regardless of how it began. In fact, it would have been better if the woman was a complete stranger than a friend. Double betrayal in your wife's eyes since the both of you were friends with the OW and her husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
That's irrelevant - an EA is an EA regardless of how it began. In fact, it would have been better if the woman was a complete stranger than a friend. Double betrayal in your wife's eyes since the both of you were friends with the OW and her husband.
I agree... but one of the posters asked so I answered the question.
 

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Oh and EA last a couple months.... although at the beginning was just a friendship that got carried away.
Most EAs and PAs are just friendships that get carried away.

I agree that you need to keep your wife engaged to help her heal. She could very well be slipping into a shell. And once there she might never come out.

Keep in mind that a high percentage of BS's end up having affairs of their own after they find out about their spouses infidelity.

This is not just something you did and now she has to 'get over it'. This is something that has opened a pandora's box in your relationship.

You need to take charge of the recovery here. You break it? You own it. You get to fix it. She may or may not go along to recovery.

Take a look at the books I suggested above. They are the best advice you can get.
 

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I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good.
Actually this is bad, very bad, if she doesn`t get it out and deal with it directly she will hold it in and it will grow into resentment.
Nothing destroys a relationship like resentment.

The lack of sex is going to have to be put on the back burner for awhile until some time has passed and she decides whether or not she even wants to fix that problem.

If she decides not to you should end the marriage.
 

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About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that was difficult as she was a friend of the family.
Huge- Public embarrasement. Double betrayal. Complete violation of boundaires here. Try to wear her shoes, imagine her doping what you did with some of your friends, both socializing as if nothing was happening. Imagine
OM laughing at you.
She feels I cheated and had an affair. Although I see how she could feel that way... I don't view it the SAME as having had a physical affair.
She doesn't feel a sh1t. You cheated on her. She's dealing with your betrayal not comparing herself with the rest of the world. This is the fool's relief. You are minimizing this to the extreme. Better get a little more insight on EAs, their damage is the same. She could be less damaged from a string of ONSs with random strangers.
EAs kill marriages everyday, ask anyone, if your have a family lawyer as a friend ask him. Ands is precisaly the minimizing, the lack of empathy for the betrayed feelings due the ''not PA'' what ussualy ends the marriage.
Read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Google EA, go to her website.
 
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