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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
What century were you born in. Are you even married? How many years?
 

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Every time I see horse**** like this I get this image of an unmarried guy with a comb-over talking through a PowerPoint presentation in a Holiday Inn conference room...
actually, happily married for 20 years, 6'1 and 185lbs

so you should picture a guy much better looking than you and who has a net worth about 10 times yours
 

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actually, happily married for 20 years, 6'1 and 185lbs

so you should picture a guy much better looking than you and who has a net worth about 10 times yours
Interesting. Cause all that I see is a guy with a keyboard, a huge ego and a complete distortion of actual psychology. Been with my wife for 27 years, and this male has complete and utter tunnel vision for his wife. In fact, preceding marriage, I was fearful that I would get tired of the same woman year after year after year. However, my love for her grew by leaps and bounds in ways and directions that my adolescent mind had no concept of when I married her at age 24. If I see a pretty woman when I am out and about, I think, "oh, cute lady", and then my mind goes right back to fantasizing about my super hot wife of 27 years. Please, do not try to paint us all with the same broad brush, as it does you no service. BTW, does your wife of 20 years, know your views on this? Would be interesting to get her take.
 

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Interesting. Cause all that I see is a guy with a keyboard, a huge ego and a complete distortion of actual psychology. Been with my wife for 27 years, and this male has complete and utter tunnel vision for his wife. In fact, preceding marriage, I was fearful that I would get tired of the same woman year after year after year. However, my love for her grew by leaps and bounds in ways and directions that my adolescent mind had no concept of when I married her at age 24. If I see a pretty woman when I am out and about, I think, "oh, cute lady", and then my mind goes right back to fantasizing about my super hot wife of 27 years. Please, do not try to paint us all with the same broad brush, as it does you no service. BTW, does your wife of 20 years, know your views on this? Would be interesting to get her take.
This! Me also! 25 yrs. Have never fantasized about having sex with another woman while having sex with my wife even. I am into my wife, do not want any other. My wife is the woman of my fantasy life.
 

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This! Me also! 25 yrs. Have never fantasized about having sex with another woman while having sex with my wife even. I am into my wife, do not want any other. My wife is the woman of my fantasy life.
I'm right there with you brother. My wife is my absolute fantasy woman and she is incredible at fulfilling all of my fantasies! Maybe we are just blessed, I don't know.
 

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I'm right there with you brother. My wife is my absolute fantasy woman and she is incredible at fulfilling all of my fantasies! Maybe we are just blessed, I don't know.
I like to say I am Divinely Favored. My wife said she wants it on our headstone, "She kept his belly full and his balls empty"

I told her i was going to put, "They have a love few experience and many do not comprehend"
 

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actually, happily married for 20 years, 6'1 and 185lbs

so you should picture a guy much better looking than you and who has a net worth about 10 times yours
Oh wow, I doubt a real down to Earth woman that respects herself as an individual in this day and age would be married to someone that thinks like you. Humans evolve dude! We are more than sex and hormones. We are capable of being half of two people who truly know and live the meaning of love. That is what a marriage truly is. Two humans joined as one.

If you think boinking other women is OK and not something you must eradicate from your logic, you have most certainly not evolved. You are pretty much stunted. You should love your wife of 20 years even more than when you met and married. That is what evolved humans do!

Sheesh, no wonder marriage is a failing institution! If a happily married male thinks of his wife and marriage the way you do 20 years later, WTH can we expect our young adults to think about marriage? Their relationships don't stand a fat chance in hell.
 

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Oh wow, I doubt a real down to Earth woman that respects herself as an individual in this day and age would be married to someone that thinks like you. Humans evolve dude! We are more than sex and hormones. We are capable of being half of two people who truly know and live the meaning of love. That is what a marriage truly is. Two humans joined as one.

If you think boinking other women is OK and not something you must eradicate from your logic, you have most certainly not evolved. You are pretty much stunted. You should love your wife of 20 years even more than when you met and married. That is what evolved humans do!

Sheesh, no wonder marriage is a failing institution! If a happily married male thinks of his wife and marriage the way you do 20 years later, WTH can we expect our young adults to think about marriage? Their relationships don't stand a fat chance in hell.
I was actually being snarky in response to a stupid post --I don't have any inflated opinion of myself

Marriage is a failing institution because we live in a broken, gynocentric society that offers little to men

that sounds outrageous, but it really isn't. Here is the truth:

1. According to women, fidelity and honesty is weakness. Men who cheat, bed dozens of women, lie, etc. are the desirable men. This is reinforced through women's magazines, fiction, film and television. If you want guys to behave honorably towards women, then the culture needs to change.

2. Women don't want good husbands and fathers. They want exciting bad boys whom other women want. Very few women desire a man because she herself finds him admirable, honorable, or desirable. They want a man because other women find him desirable and exciting. Very few women want guys who will be "good fathers and husbands". Such men are viewed with contempt in our culture

Don't shoot the messenger: I wish things were different, but they aren't. Garbage men with good jaw lines and abs are what women want. And in some cases, vapid women with big boobs and limited intellects are what guys want --this is the world we live in
 

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I was actually being snarky in response to a stupid post --I don't have any inflated opinion of myself

Marriage is a failing institution because we live in a broken, gynocentric society that offers little to men

that sounds outrageous, but it really isn't. Here is the truth:

1. According to women, fidelity and honesty is weakness. Men who cheat, bed dozens of women, lie, etc. are the desirable men. This is reinforced through women's magazines, fiction, film and television. If you want guys to behave honorably towards women, then the culture needs to change.

2. Women don't want good husbands and fathers. They want exciting bad boys whom other women want. Very few women desire a man because she herself finds him admirable, honorable, or desirable. They want a man because other women find him desirable and exciting. Very few women want guys who will be "good fathers and husbands". Such men are viewed with contempt in our culture

Don't shoot the messenger: I wish things were different, but they aren't. Garbage men with good jaw lines and abs are what women want. And in some cases, vapid women with big boobs and limited intellects are what guys want --this is the world we live in
Bullet point 1 is ridiculous. Only fools marry dysfunctional fools. Real women want it all in a partner. Loving, loyal, great provider, caring, responsible, etc. No one wants drama and trash to build a family with.

Bullet point 2 is also wrong. Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers.

Same as real men don't marry whores. Only fools marry whores and procreate with them.

I don't think you have a clue what real women want because you got it all arse backwards. What world were you brought up in?
 
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Bullet point 1 is ridiculous. Only fools marry dysfunctional fools. Real women want it all in a partner. Loving, loyal, great provider, caring, responsible, etc. No one wants drama and trash to build a family with.

Bullet point 2 is also wrong. Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers.

Same as real men don't marry whores. Only fools marry whores and procreate with them.

I don't think you have a clue what real women want because you got it all arse backwards. What world were you brought up in?
And that is when the good men tell the girls to go back to their bad boy Fbuddies and keep having fun with them and get the hell away from me. You were not interrested then.. Im not interrested now. 😁
 

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Bullet point 1 is ridiculous. Only fools marry dysfunctional fools. Real women want it all in a partner. Loving, loyal, great provider, caring, responsible, etc. No one wants drama and trash to build a family with.

Bullet point 2 is also wrong. Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers.

Same as real men don't marry whores. Only fools marry whores and procreate with them.

I don't think you have a clue what real women want because you got it all arse backwards. What world were you brought up in?
you write "Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers"

which doesn't contradict my point at all. I didn't say women wouldn't marry guys who would be good husbands and fathers. I said that women want unreliable, hot, bad boys.

you are lacking in self-awareness here. You are literally confirming the stereotype that women settle for nice guy, provider types, and that such men were not their first choice. It is hard for guys to come to terms with this, and a lot of guys still want to live in their little romantic fantasy world when it comes to this stuff, but that is a reality for a lot of them.

Men don't want the bad-boy's leftovers, but a lot of men end up with those leftovers. The nice-guy, husband type ends up with the emotional and sexual baggage.

and even though you say "real men don't marry whores", men do it all the time. Do you think they even know they are marrying whores? I am not sure the exact criteria for a promiscuous woman, but in my book it is multiple ONS, N count over 10 (depending on age), and other stuff like threesomes, etc. But more to the point, it is women who seek short term, hedonistic encounters with no strings attached.

I have known very few women who do NOT fall into that category. My wife was 32 when I met her, and her "number" was double mine at least, and included a few ONS when she was in college. Now she didn't do anything crazy, but that stuff alone was enough to make me very upset when I heard about it, and I even broke off our engagement for a time. We reconciled, married, and have had a good marriage, but I took a big risk.

But women will scream about the double-standard of stud vs. *****, to which I say this:

women desire promiscuous men and routinely seek such men out--they are viewed as high-quality lovers and alpha males

men generally reject promiscuous women

in our gynocentric culture, women are setting these rules, and men are following along. If women heavily penalized and rejected guys who sleep around, there would be a lot less of it.

In my case, I had a fair number of girlfriends when I was in my 20s, but didn't have any ONS. Almost all of my relationships were relatively long-term and serious. I didn't want to be the guy who pumps-and-dumps women, or who insulted women by trying to get in their pants quickly. I was under the illusion that women wanted serious, respectful relationships.

but women don't want that, at least when they are in their 20s. There are no "good girls", there are just girls who haven't been caught.

and we could probably change this culture, but I don't see it happening any time soon.
 

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It's always amusing to me when a guy informs me of what I, as a woman, really want.

I never chased "bad boys" because fidelity and honesty were always important to me. I have no desire for a man who's promiscuous because I have no desire to be one in a long line.

So be careful before you start making sweeping statements about what "women" want.

And FYI, I have observed that a lot of men who have this mentality actually have no problem with promiscuous women. They're upset that said promiscuous women aren't sleeping with them. Said men aren't looking at nice girls.....they're chasing the hottest thing they can find while *****ing about how she only wants bad boys.
 

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you write "Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers"

which doesn't contradict my point at all. I didn't say women wouldn't marry guys who would be good husbands and fathers. I said that women want unreliable, hot, bad boys.

you are lacking in self-awareness here. You are literally confirming the stereotype that women settle for nice guy, provider types, and that such men were not their first choice. It is hard for guys to come to terms with this, and a lot of guys still want to live in their little romantic fantasy world when it comes to this stuff, but that is a reality for a lot of them.

Men don't want the bad-boy's leftovers, but a lot of men end up with those leftovers. The nice-guy, husband type ends up with the emotional and sexual baggage.

and even though you say "real men don't marry whores", men do it all the time. Do you think they even know they are marrying whores? I am not sure the exact criteria for a promiscuous woman, but in my book it is multiple ONS, N count over 10 (depending on age), and other stuff like threesomes, etc. But more to the point, it is women who seek short term, hedonistic encounters with no strings attached.

I have known very few women who do NOT fall into that category. My wife was 32 when I met her, and her "number" was double mine at least, and included a few ONS when she was in college. Now she didn't do anything crazy, but that stuff alone was enough to make me very upset when I heard about it, and I even broke off our engagement for a time. We reconciled, married, and have had a good marriage, but I took a big risk.

But women will scream about the double-standard of stud vs. *, to which I say this:

women desire promiscuous men and routinely seek such men out--they are viewed as high-quality lovers and alpha males

men generally reject promiscuous women

in our gynocentric culture, women are setting these rules, and men are following along. If women heavily penalized and rejected guys who sleep around, there would be a lot less of it.

In my case, I had a fair number of girlfriends when I was in my 20s, but didn't have any ONS. Almost all of my relationships were relatively long-term and serious. I didn't want to be the guy who pumps-and-dumps women, or who insulted women by trying to get in their pants quickly. I was under the illusion that women wanted serious, respectful relationships.

but women don't want that, at least when they are in their 20s. There are no "good girls", there are just girls who haven't been caught.

and we could probably change this culture, but I don't see it happening any time soon.
Stop thinking about what women want so much, you’re going to hurt yourself.
 

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Couple of things stick out.

You have a difficult time coping. Your means of coping is not to run a few miles, go a few rounds on a punching bag, hit the gym, pick up the phone and talk to a friend, etc... Your means of coping was to go find a stranger and form an intimate relationship with them. Where does that come from? (Hint: Look at your childhood) Get on top of that, because life WILL throw you more curveballs and you WILL resort to this behavior again in some form.

Another thing is that you have, in a roundabout way, put the burden of this on your wife's shoulders. "If I had just emptied on her emotionally, I wouldn't have cheated". Okay... or you could go talk to a friend, therapist, write a journal, etc. Why does the wife have to be the one you dump on in this circumstance? Now that you've done the damage of the affair, she's probably not going to be there in the near future when you have your next crisis. You'll get some eye-rolling and exasperated sighs (resentment and disgust), which will set you back further.

So, in late November, I started to have an emotional affiar.

Something happened that blew up my mental health. I looked at my wife dealing with the situation extremely well. I was afraid to talk to her about how I was dealing with it. I figured that I shouldn't be feeling worse than she is, that I didn't want to burden her with my issues. I know that is dumb. I know it is irrational. It was a mistake.

A few months later, I was crippled with everything that was bothering me just being shoved further down. I became withdrawn. I became depressed. I lost the ability to talk to my wife.

So I took to find someone on Reddit to talk to in November. I recreated my relationship with my wife in the span of 3 months. I wanted to say things to someone and feel like I wouldn't be **** on, dismissed, or feel weak. I said things that I am not proud of, shared inappropriate pictures, spoke ill of my wife. I made this other woman fall in love with me. During this time and shortly before, I had reached out to my doctor about talking to a therapist multiple times. I was told there would be referrals and never received one.

I did find what I was looking for though. I found the courage to talk to my wife, although awkwardly, I brought up the topic that sent me down this dark path. She didn't cringe, she didn't ridicule me. As soon as the conversation began, I lost any interest in ever talking to this other person again. I deleted anything I had of her.

Come to Saturday night, this other woman reached out to my wife. My wife and I sat and talked for 35 hours straight. It was angry, then sad, then angry, and so on.

My wife talked to a therapist yesterday morning and it was suggested that we spend through the weekend apart. We left on the best terms I think we could have before I left for a hotel.

With all of that said, I feel awful about everything that happened. I am making no excuses for my actions. They were terrible and I regret them fully.

I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. I have taken steps already and don't want to stop taking steps to help heal the wound. I have shot down any notion by my wife that she played any role in what happened. I know where the fault is.

I am open to anything. I will answer any question. I will take whatever comes my way here. I know every situation is different and I won't find the answer to what will save my marriage here, but I am open to hearing steps that I could take.
 

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you write "Young females that enjoy their freedom and sexuality have fun with bad boys, but choose to settle down and form a family with men that will be good husband's and fathers"

which doesn't contradict my point at all. I didn't say women wouldn't marry guys who would be good husbands and fathers. I said that women want unreliable, hot, bad boys.

you are lacking in self-awareness here. You are literally confirming the stereotype that women settle for nice guy, provider types, and that such men were not their first choice. It is hard for guys to come to terms with this, and a lot of guys still want to live in their little romantic fantasy world when it comes to this stuff, but that is a reality for a lot of them.

Men don't want the bad-boy's leftovers, but a lot of men end up with those leftovers. The nice-guy, husband type ends up with the emotional and sexual baggage.

and even though you say "real men don't marry whores", men do it all the time. Do you think they even know they are marrying whores? I am not sure the exact criteria for a promiscuous woman, but in my book it is multiple ONS, N count over 10 (depending on age), and other stuff like threesomes, etc. But more to the point, it is women who seek short term, hedonistic encounters with no strings attached.

I have known very few women who do NOT fall into that category. My wife was 32 when I met her, and her "number" was double mine at least, and included a few ONS when she was in college. Now she didn't do anything crazy, but that stuff alone was enough to make me very upset when I heard about it, and I even broke off our engagement for a time. We reconciled, married, and have had a good marriage, but I took a big risk.

But women will scream about the double-standard of stud vs. *, to which I say this:

women desire promiscuous men and routinely seek such men out--they are viewed as high-quality lovers and alpha males

men generally reject promiscuous women

in our gynocentric culture, women are setting these rules, and men are following along. If women heavily penalized and rejected guys who sleep around, there would be a lot less of it.

In my case, I had a fair number of girlfriends when I was in my 20s, but didn't have any ONS. Almost all of my relationships were relatively long-term and serious. I didn't want to be the guy who pumps-and-dumps women, or who insulted women by trying to get in their pants quickly. I was under the illusion that women wanted serious, respectful relationships.

but women don't want that, at least when they are in their 20s. There are no "good girls", there are just girls who haven't been caught.

and we could probably change this culture, but I don't see it happening any time soon.
Damn. Talk about a negative view of women and marriage. Who crapped in your Wheaties? Is your wife just as you describe women? Is she aware of your view of women? Is she some "bad boy's leftovers"?

Look dude, I get that SOME women may be as you describe (I've known a few), but the majority are not! Just look at some of the poor women, here on TAM whom were good, solid, LOYAL wives, only to be screwed over by their WH. Man, you must have really been hurt by somebody in your past.. You might think about starting your own thread about your issues and we can all discuss it with you. You seem like you need some IC.
 

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Yes a lot of talk about what women want.

I chased the bad boys and I was promiscuous. And I’m so glad I was just like this because I knew when I ‘settled’ as so many men like to call finding a decent man, I wasn’t going to be wondering about all the extra wild ‘c*^k’ I could be chasing.

Because none of that was worth what I have now and I’ll never look back or wonder what else is out there. I’ll be his bad girl forever, and to me he’s an absolute demon in bed.

There. It’s crude and unladylike but it had to be said. ‘Settling’ means something completely different to some of us.

We can generalise too and say all men want a nice quiet decent loyal wife after they’ve also sowed their wild oats, but I won’t go there.
 

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actually, happily married for 20 years, 6'1 and 185lbs

so you should picture a guy much better looking than you and who has a net worth about 10 times yours
Major delusions of grandeur it seems LOL
 
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