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So, in late November, I started to have an emotional affiar.

Something happened that blew up my mental health. I looked at my wife dealing with the situation extremely well. I was afraid to talk to her about how I was dealing with it. I figured that I shouldn't be feeling worse than she is, that I didn't want to burden her with my issues. I know that is dumb. I know it is irrational. It was a mistake.

A few months later, I was crippled with everything that was bothering me just being shoved further down. I became withdrawn. I became depressed. I lost the ability to talk to my wife.

So I took to find someone on Reddit to talk to in November. I recreated my relationship with my wife in the span of 3 months. I wanted to say things to someone and feel like I wouldn't be **** on, dismissed, or feel weak. I said things that I am not proud of, shared inappropriate pictures, spoke ill of my wife. I made this other woman fall in love with me. During this time and shortly before, I had reached out to my doctor about talking to a therapist multiple times. I was told there would be referrals and never received one.

I did find what I was looking for though. I found the courage to talk to my wife, although awkwardly, I brought up the topic that sent me down this dark path. She didn't cringe, she didn't ridicule me. As soon as the conversation began, I lost any interest in ever talking to this other person again. I deleted anything I had of her.

Come to Saturday night, this other woman reached out to my wife. My wife and I sat and talked for 35 hours straight. It was angry, then sad, then angry, and so on.

My wife talked to a therapist yesterday morning and it was suggested that we spend through the weekend apart. We left on the best terms I think we could have before I left for a hotel.

With all of that said, I feel awful about everything that happened. I am making no excuses for my actions. They were terrible and I regret them fully.

I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. I have taken steps already and don't want to stop taking steps to help heal the wound. I have shot down any notion by my wife that she played any role in what happened. I know where the fault is.

I am open to anything. I will answer any question. I will take whatever comes my way here. I know every situation is different and I won't find the answer to what will save my marriage here, but I am open to hearing steps that I could take.
 

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So your wife is talking to a therapist, but what about you? You need to be seeing one as well to get to the bottom of why you did this and to figure out how to make sure it doesn't happen again. Saying you won't do it again isn't enough.

If the doctor didn't give you a referral then you should have called back or found one on your own, did you? Or did you just use that as your excuse?

Do not push for marriage counseling right now, it's too soon for that. You need to give your wife space if she needs it. You need to answer EVERY SINGLE question she has, regardless of whether you think it's a good or bad idea. If you have already answered the question, answer again. You need to gladly give her full access to your phone, computer, etc., forever. You need to get off Reddit because that will probably trigger your wife and is too risky for you. You completely destroyed the trust and now you need to spend years earning it back through your actions, not your words. You need to understand that this may take YEARS to fix, not weeks or months. If you're not in it for the long haul, spare her the extra hurt and get out.

You can read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Another one is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
 

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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
 

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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
😳 Wow...just ****in wow.
 

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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
:rolleyes:
 

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At times a lot of us have that urge to bend someone’s ear about our marriage. I suppose that’s natural. But graduating from that to badmouthing your wife and sending **** pics is way beyond a lack of respect to your wife and your marriage. You feel bad, you damn well should. You have a tough row to hoe so start hoeing.

Your wife should immediately have access to you phone, emails and phone location. You should get a therapist ASAP and detail this in front of the both of them so that the therapist can guide you and your wife through this event. You might also search your thoughts for what you think was failing in your marriage that lead you down this path and why you weren’t man enough to address those things with your wife.
 

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Well, even though I don’t want to give you advice on how to make this right with your wife... I will. Maybe because you might have a hint of being sincere to me that rings true and you didn’t one time point any fingers at your wife for your gross behavior. But you already have a huge strike against you for trying to hide it and then letting the truth come out through the OW which I’m guessing was not pretty.

So here is what I suggest, when you talk to her again, you ask her what she needs you to do. Then you do it, with gusto. Then you ask her the same thing regularly and keep doing what she needs. Anticipate what would make her feel better about you as a person and do that too.

Maybe one day she will feel gracious enough to forgive you and build a life with you again. Maybe she will only feel gracious enough to forgive you but leave you. Or maybe she will tell you to get lost and hate you forever. But if you want a chance, that’s what I suggest.
 

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she may stay with you but she'll never be able to trust you again and that will make her never feel the same about you she once felt. So don't expect her to unconditionally adore you going forward. And I agree with Bobert that you need to go to therapy yourself. I mean you let something get out of control. None of us are perfect.
 
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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
I don't know where you got the idea that "men" are not monogamous; HUMANS are not monogamous by nature, that's the correct statement.
Without getting into a human sexual evolution dissertation, I will just let you know that genes are the driving force in any living thing that exist in this earth in a push to express themselves in the next generation, to that extent, every species on earth creates their own set of parameters within the species that are acceptable for the purpose of procreation.

Within the human species males and females have expectations when trying to mate, it may seem different for each sex, but the end result is the same: to be able to bring the progeny to successful adulthood in order for them to continue the procreating process and the continuity of the genetic material.

Everything in between is just psychobabble created by humans in order to have harmony within the species. And for males to ensure that that progeny is theirs, not another male.

From a purely biological point of view for females, the only thing that matters is that their progeny makes it to adulthood while they being able to procure that they have a network of individuals that will help them to that effect in the eventually that the male is not longer available to help raising the progeny.
Modern society and economics have mostly in developed countries change that biological imperative, and somehow in underdeveloped countries.

Bottom line your assessment is incorrect, nothing but psychobabble.

Within our parameters as thought out in western societies, the OP **** up, is trying to make amends. The wife will now decide if she will forgive/ forget? (Doubtful), but could happens. It will be up to her now.
 

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I don't know where you got the idea that "men" are not monogamous; HUMANS are not monogamous by nature, that's the correct statement.
Without getting into a human sexual evolution dissertation, I will just let you know that genes are the driving force in any living thing that exist in this earth in a push to express themselves in the next generation, to that extent, every species on earth creates their own set of parameters within the species that are acceptable for the purpose of procreation.

Within the human species males and females have expectations when trying to mate, it may seem different for each sex, but the end result is the same: to be able to bring the progeny to successful adulthood in order for them to continue the procreating process and the continuity of the genetic material.

Everything in between is just psychobabble created by humans in order to have harmony within the species. And for males to ensure that that progeny is theirs, not another male.

From a purely biological point of view for females, the only thing that matters is that their progeny makes it to adulthood while they being able to procure that they have a network of individuals that will help them to that effect in the eventually that the male is not longer available to help raising the progeny.
Modern society and economics have mostly in developed countries change that biological imperative, and somehow in underdeveloped countries.

Bottom line your assessment is incorrect, nothing but psychobabble.

Within our parameters as thought out in western societies, the OP **** up, is trying to make amends. The wife will now decide if she will forgive/ forget? (Doubtful), but could happens. It will be up to her now.
Men and women are not the same, and they approach the sexual dynamic quite differently

you touch on this, but then say human are not monogamous. That wasn't my point.

the issue here is that the OP isn't being honest with himself and lacks self-awareness. That is OK, happens to a lot of guys, including myself

men are nor built to live in a gynocrentric, post-feminist culture
 

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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
Complete and utter bullcrap!

You can look at someone and think they are attractive and not be think I would like to stick my Dck in her. Well maybe you can't.

My fantasies do not include other women than my wife. I do not fantasize about Fing some other chick or actress when with my wife. BTW those that do are committing adultry by God's standards.

Romance should be with your wife, not something you missed out on with other concubines.

If you feel that way then it is best to not marry so she can find a decent loving hubby that is not resentful because he wants to go screw other women.

If your marriage is right you will not want another. My wife is 52 and im 49, we have sex at least daily, i dont do quickies...45min to 1.5hr usually. We both want more and are yearning for my retirement next year so we can spend more time together. We wished we owned a business together so we could be together all day.

All men...bullcrap!
 

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There is the pop-psychology way of looking at this, and then there is the truth.

Men are not monogamous by nature --we become fascinated by women and drawn to them, and it isn't just one woman. No matter what every guy on this forums says about being a white knight who only has eyes for his wonderful wife, this is the truth.

Men sacrifice romance and autonomy in order to build a family with a good woman. We take a risk and invest in this family, and forgo romance with other women.

Why is this important? Because:

1. You are resentful you had to give up this autonomy and access to other women. Most guys feel this at one point or another, but you let it fester in your mind to the point that you started reaching out in cyberspace to other women. You tried to recreate the thrill of a new romance.

2. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife. Ponder on that one ...

The blow to your mental health is an excuse, or a midlife crisis. A lot of people have had blows to their mental health, but they didn't go have affairs

Dude: be 100% honest with your wife on this: no excuses, no sugar-coating, no complaining about depression and anxiety. Come clean and you will reach an understanding.

we are all human beings, and we all have faults and character flaws

STOP complaining about your mental health, and stop being weak around your wife. No tears and pity --it isn't masculine

No "therapy" or counseling. It isn't productive for men in regards to stuff like this.

Your wife will get over this and respect you again if you come to terms with why it happened and are honest with her.
Every time I see horse**** like this I get this image of an unmarried guy with a comb-over talking through a PowerPoint presentation in a Holiday Inn conference room...
 

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It is going to take time, and a lot of work on your part to salvage this. Give her access to your phone and computer passwords, be prepared to give up social media or reddit if she asks, basically, "i'm sorry" won't be enough. Don't be surprised if she doesn't trust you or want to have sex for a while - you broke her trust in a major way. Complaining about her to the other woman and naked pictures? That's going to be hard to process. You should both see a marriage counselor and individual counselors. You need to face up to the question - if marriage really makes you feel so emasculated that you feel the need to flex by complaining about your wife and sexting a virtual stranger, do you really want this marriage? What do you need to change about your reactions and behaviors to make this work? Would anything need to change in your marriage for this not to happen again.

When I was married, my XH sexted and exchanged inappropriate messages with women. I moved to a different bedroom. It took months and evidence of affairs before I left. Be aware that if she is willing to give you a second chance you will need to be truly remorseful and really address together the underlying reasons why you did this.
 
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